Surviving on Your Own
Belonging
It's been a month since that first night I shot up. So far it's not interfering with the rest of my life. Well, except now I bark out at people when they come into my office. I'm afraid someone's going to look at me and just know. I'm more isolated now, but I don't care because I have my place of peace to look forward to. I've also started the annoying habit of bouncing my leg a lot while I sit at my desk. I get too impatient for the end of the day to come. Too impatient for the weekend, and it's only Monday.
There's a knock at my door. Fuck, just leave me alone. It's Noah, my other "teammate".
"Hey Heero, ya got a sec?" He asks.
No, I don't. "What do you want?" I ask coldly.
He closes the door and sits at the edge of my desk. "That's a little rude. Ya know, you look like you could use a bump," he says with a smirk. What the fuck does that mean? I glare at him and say nothing. "I doubt you brought it to work though."
"What are you talking about?" I growl.
"You're using the smack you stole aren't you?" He asks, his smirk turning into a grin. Oh fuck, I new someone had to have noticed. Fear grips at my every fiber. I'm going to loose my job. I just know it. I must look horror stuck because he laughs. "Calm down man, I won't tell anyone. You're lucky I was tinkering around with the security feed when I saw you take that stuff. And don't worry, I erased the footage. It's like you were never there."
He's a smooth talker like Duo with green eyes like Trowa. Why would he "watch my back" like that? There's something he's trying to get at. "Why are you telling me this?" I ask.
"Well you're gonna need some more at some point right? And so am I. You did what I do. Take from the burn pile because no one will notice it being gone. So I think we should look out for each other," he grins at me. "I need to get what my clients want and I could use a look out."
"If you've known what I did the whole time, why wait until now to ask for my assistance?" How can I trust someone who's doing the same devious thing I am? I've hardly interacted with this guy. He's very charismatic like Duo, and it was for that reason that I've avoided being around him.
He shrugs his shoulders. "Well I didn't know jack shit about you, so I tried to research you, and came up with nothing. You don't have any degree, or college experience to get you this job. And whatever you did before coming here is a damn mystery. I couldn't even hack your files," he admits. Good, I put my own security measures around mine and Wufei's files. No one can get into those. "But whatever you did, or have done, I don't care about. I'll let you keep your secrets, I won't ask you about your past. You seem to be the type to hold many secrets, so I'll let you have them. I just want your help," Noah ends his little speech with a grin.
It would be nice to have someone watch over my shoulder, I guess. And someone who I can help in return. "What do you want me to do?" I ask.
He smiles even bigger, "Just hack the security cameras, watch and then erase."
"You'll get me what I need as well?"
"Of course," he holds out his hand. I grab it and we shake. "You and I are gonna work great together I can tell," he smiles again and tosses his black hair out of his eyes. "But first, as your new appointed buddy, imma help you out."
"What do you mean?" I don't need help with anything else. I just want him to leave my damn office.
"You're craving like crazy. You've been bouncing your leg nonstop. I got some with me," he says. Excitement and hunger clutches the pit of my stomach. We shouldn't do this here, not at HQ! But I want it. Noah pulls a necklace out from under his shirt. It looks like a big blue marble with a silver top attached to a chain. He unscrews it and takes my hand. Clasping my thumb and index finger closed, he dumps a small amount of white powder into the fold.
I just stare at it. "Well, fuckin snort it man. Take that edge off, it'll make the day easier," Noah claims. He does the same on his hand, snorts it through his nose, and then licks the remaining residue off. "It might make you less of a prick too," he laughs. I grunt.
I copy him and, oh god, I feel better instantly. It'll be enough to get me through the last two hours of work. "I'll get you one of these," Noah says while shaking his necklace. "And we should hang out sometime," he says as he makes his way to the door.
"Why?" I ask. Why would he want to associate outside of our little deal?
"Cuz, you seem like an interesting dude, and ya can never have too many friends, am I right?" With that he leaves my office. He wants to be friends? Fine, I could use a 'friend'...
Next day at work Noah gave me my own marble necklace. Only mine was purple. I love it. It's one of the few gifts I have ever received and that alone makes it special. It's a light soft purple, almost lavender, like Duos eyes. And that's why I love it even more.
Noah had filled the marble from his own supply. Said he did it because "we're friends now and friends do good by each other". I like that. I still don't think I can trust him as far as I can throw him, but its nice to have someone who has faith in me. Someone who doesn't know my history. Someone who doesn't want to use me as a weapon.
Friday Noah wants me to interfere with the security feed while he takes what he needs, and what I need. Which is good because I've gone through most of my baggie. I'm not out, but I'll need more soon. I still can't believe that I've gotten involved with drugs. With heroin. I mean, fuck, heroin? I choose the worst poison to get attached to and fall in love with, and now I'm hooked.
It's after hours now, and I'm in the locker room. I used to work out at least an hour after every shift, now I do it twice a week. And I don't push myself like I used to. I change into my swim trunks and head for the restroom.
In a stall, I snort a bit of H off my hand. I give myself a few minutes for the buzz to hit. It's not as good as shooting up, but I'll do. I go back to my locker and leave my new gift inside it. I do my best to avoid eye contact like I've always done, but now it's for a new reason. Drugs like heroin and morphine make the pupils tiny, not hugely dilated like so many other drugs. I don't want anyone to know.
I make my way over to the Olympic size pool the Preventers have here and jump in the deep end feet first. It's so peaceful here underwater. Muted sounds and liquidated vision. I sink to the bottom and rest. If I could I would stay here. If I could choose my way to die then I would like to drown (1). Maybe that's why I crash landed in the ocean more the once. Maybe I know this is how I will die someday.
I hold my breath until my lungs start to ache. Pushing my feet against the bottom of the pool, I launch myself back to the surface. I gasp for breath and realize, I used to be able to hold my breath for much longer. I know it's the heroin causing my inability to hold my breath.
So I swim, lazily. I'm not really here to work out anymore. I just want to enjoy the feel of the water rushing past my skin as I glide through it. I love swimming. Maybe I should move to Earth so I can swim in the ocean again. The Sea is a mighty force that requires respect. She can take you down and under, refuse to give you back, and take your life. That is one of the many splendors of Earth. Mother Nature is a fierce force to be reckoned with. I'd really like to go back someday...
It's Wednesday and Noah has decided to move into my office. I asked him why he wants to be in here with me.
"Because! Randall is a fuckin bore, and were partners now," he says with a wink and set down a box of junk on the desk he hauled in here. I don't know how to feel about this. I just met the guy and he's moving his shit into my space. I don't know, I want company, right? And he's the only one who knows about my...habit. And now we are accomplices.
"Dude, you need to let more light into this place. It's like a damn dungeon in here. No wonder people are weirded out by you when the vibe in here is creepy," Noah laughs as he opens the blinds and turns on the extra lights. Maybe that's why people get uncomfortable around me. It's not me, necessarily, it's my office...maybe.
He arranges all of his things on his desk and takes a his seat. Well, looks like I've got an office mate.
Noah and I worked diligently through work earlier. It's Thursday, and I just want it to be the weekend already so I won't have to leave my apartment. I was pleasantly surprised to find that Noah wasn't a constant chatter box. He was fairly quiet all day. We talked a bit, and did a few "bumps" throughout the day. We keep our office locked so no one just barges in.
After work, Noah insisted he come to my place "in order to get to know each other better". So that's what we're doing now. Standing in my rather bland living room.
I notice a red light flashing on my video phone on my desk. Damn, Relena called again. She's been trying to get a hold of me, see how I'm doing. I haven't answered once, either because I wasn't here when she called or because I was high, and I don't want to see her when I'm like that. Or maybe it's that I don't want her to see me like this. I erase her message without watching it.
I turn my attention back to Noah, who's been rifling through my kitchen. He gives me a funny look. "Dude you've got like nothing here," he says baffled. You have spectacular observation skills. "You got a rinky dink table with one chair. And you have one plate, cup, bowl, spoon, knife, and fork. What the hell? Don't own anything more than the very bare essentials?"
"It's all I need," I answer.
"You're a strange one, you know that?" Yeah, I figured I was a little odd. "You got any foil up in here?" He asks. I retrieve it from a cupboard. He dumps some of his smack from his necklace onto the foil.
He sees me watching and asks, "Ever smoke it before?" I shake my head. "You'll like it, not as much as shooting, but it's an experience, ya?"
He holds up the foil, pulls a small straw and lighter from his pocket. I watch as he burns the bottom of the foil and inhales the smoke through the plastic tube.
After watching I follow his technique and smoke my own. Inhaling it tastes bad, but I feel it go straight to my dome. I exhale slowly and repeat until its gone. I can feel myself ascending to heaven.
"Wow," I hear Noah say. I roll my head to look at him. "That's the first time I've seen you smile, and look anything but royally pissed off."
I laugh and he grins wider. God, that felt good too. Laughing. Maybe there's hope for me to be normal yet.
"Hey tomorrow I'm having a little get together, you should come," he says.
"I don't know about that," I frown.
"Just think about. It'd be us and like three other people. One of em is my girl, Landi."
I shrug in response. "Imma hound you about it at work tomorrow," he laughs.
And bug me all day at work he did. Yesterday he had been quiet and enjoyable to work with in the same space, but today he wouldn't shut the hell up until I agreed to go over to his place.
After I agreed, we got back to work. Around three o'clock Noah decided it was time for him to go snatch our stuff from the burn pile. I hacked into the security feed, and blocked the cameras from picking up the images I was seeing on other monitors. From the time he entered the evidence basement to the time he left was all of ten minutes.
I watched as he took baggie after baggie of stuff from the burn piles and shoved the goods into inside pockets of his jacket. He took more than what we needed, and it was then that I remember he said he had 'clients'. He took pills, weed, and other bags full of powder.
The second he stepped out of the evidence room, I erased the footage and put that camera back on its normal feed to the security room. It was like he was never there.
After work, I followed him to his apartment on the other side of town in my own car. Once I inside his place, I met his 'girl', Landi. She is officially the most interesting looking girl I've ever met, and that's just my judgment on her physical appearance. She's short and skinny with very pale skin. Bleached blonde hair that's shaved on the sides of her head. Her bangs are cut high up on her forehead, and the hair on the back of her head his long and looks like an intentional mess (2). She's got big hazel eyes that almost seem too big for her face.
As soon I as I came in she literally bounced over to me. "So this is Heero, eh?" She asked in high voice.
"Yup, the one and only," Noah informed.
"It's great to finally meet you," she squeaked as she pulled me into a hug. I patted her on the back.
She dragged me all over the apartment, giving me a tour of the place and then she made me sit in the kitchen while she cooked something for Noah and I.
"She's a firecracker," Noah laughed. I nodded in agreement.
We ate the pasta Landi made and talked for a bit. I got to know them better. Landi stared at me with unshielded fascination, and touched me in someway or another whenever she could. It made me a little uncomfortable, but I got the impression she's like this with everyone.
Two men joined us later in the evening, but I didn't pay them much attention. They stayed in the kitchen with Noah, making a purchase I assume. Landi had hauled me into the living room to show me some of the music she liked. It was kind of hard to listen to it with her yammering away though, but I quickly found her personality and constant chattering endearing. She's very, for lack of a better word, bubbly. And though I find that characteristic in most people very annoying, with her it doesn't bother me at all.
"Hey babe, where's the rig?" Landi asked over her shoulder to Noah.
"Bedroom," he called back.
She disappeared for a few minutes and came back with the paraphernalia we need to get high. "You shoot, right?" She asked me. I nodded. "Here, I'm going to do it for you okay? Since we're friends now."
She cooked a batch in a silver spoon with a giant lighter. I helped her with the process of getting it in the needle so it wouldn't spill. I took off my tie and rolled up my sleeve.
"Hey, no don't do it that way. You'll get track marks if you use your arms too often. Tie it around your leg and we'll use your saphenous vein in your calf," she tells me. I do as she says. The vein bulges a little and she slips the needle in. I untie my work tie and she presses on the plunger. It takes a minute for it kick in, and I lay on the plush rug in the living room beside her. She combs her fingers through my hair before she starts cooking up a batch for herself.
I listen to the music that's playing lowly in the background of my haze, "I don't want to be the one, The battles always choose, 'Cause inside I realize, That I'm the one confused,". (3)
"I like this song," I mumble. My voice sounds like a groggy groan. Landi lays down beside me, her high taking ahold of her. We lay face to face and she smiles at me.
"It's a really old song. I like it too," she whispers like she's telling me a secret. She goes back to stroking my hair, it's helping me get closer to the peak. I love the sinking feeling this drug creates. No matter what surface I'm on, I feel like I'm falling into it. A few moments later she whispers more to me, "You have a good heart Heero. I can sense these things from people. Makes me wonder why you're doing this shit."
"I don't know," I reply honestly. "Are you saying you don't have a good heart?" Her hand glides from my hair to stoke my face, her thumb swipes along my cheekbone under my eye.
Her eyes darken and seem a little empty as she whispers, "Not all the time."
I spent the night at Noah's and Landi's place on their couch. We spent Saturday "hanging out" and getting fucked up. Noah had customers come in and out of the apartment. I don't think it's wise of him to sell out of his home like this, but I keep my mouth shut. It's not my operation.
Some of the people stayed for a while and I was eventually convinced into trying cocaine. That was an intense experience all on its own. It brought me up in a hyperactive way. I became more and more talkative with each line. It felt good to talk and and laugh. I felt normal, not my quiet reserved self.
"You have a beautiful smile, Heero!" Landi told me boisterously.
I spent most of the day talking with Landi. During the evening a few more men and women came over, they were going to roll, which I learned meant taking ecstasy. Landi and I rolled with them including Noah. It was fun, I even danced with the both of them.
We stayed up all night high on ecstasy and doing copious lines of coke, dancing, laughing, and just enjoying the night. We stopped around five in the morning, and we smoked weed to bring us down. I snorted a line of H to come down even more and take the shaky edge off from all the uppers. Even though experimenting had been fun, and I like each drug in a different way, my favorite is still heroin.
That morning I passed out in Noah's and Landi's bed, with her in the middle of us. I think I've found a place to belong.
Sunday was spent mostly sleeping. The three of us woke way past noon. I felt extremely worn down, groggy, and just weird all over. Noah and Landi took care of me though, so that was nice.
She gave me multiple glasses of orange juice and water. We three crammed onto the couch and watched old movies and smoked weed. That helped me feel better and find an appetite. After eating we resumed our movie marathon. Landi made me lay with my head in her lap, stretched out over the sofa on my stomach. Noah sat on the floor leaning against the couch. He didn't seem possessive or territorial over Landi, which I find strange. Even though I've only known her for three days, she's shown me a lot of affection, but he doesn't appear to be jealous of this.
Not that he should be, I'm fairly certain I'm a homosexual. Whatever, I guess it just doesn't matter. Landi scratched my head and even massaged my shoulders a bit. I like her touch, it's warm and kind, just like her.
(1) Most of us, including myself, fear drowning. But I've read many accounts from drowning survivors claiming that their last moments before unconsciousness are extremely peaceful and serene.
(2) I'm basing the character Landi off Yolandi Visser from Die Antwoord because I love her.
(3) "Breaking the Habit" Linkin Park