Authors note: This series has taken me over the brink of heartbreak and back. I was first encouraged to write it by my spectacular, Brilliant and loving friend, "BrandyGold" and without her constant pep talks, sanity saving hugs, and her ability to bring out the best in me, these new chapters would not have been possible to write.
She is my avenger, my personal superhero. She saved me from the darkest part of my life, helping me write all my feelings out, and when we do visit together, it is the one time I am truly happy.
So with a tender heart, I re-introduce the story, on behalf of her. For today is the anniversary of when we first met, and that would have not happened if i hadnot been brave enough to write this in the first place.
.day. we write countless stories, and I am eternally grateful for having a friend like her.
I love you so very much Ashley, and thank you, for helping me learn to love again.
Chapter 8
"Echo"
Tony hesitates outside his own bedroom door, dreading the conversation he's about to have. After the "incident" in the lab several weeks ago, he could hardly let Loki touch him. He knew it shouldn't have bothered him, he knew that it wasn't really Loki. But his body had been broken, torn by one he thought he in doing what all Starks do best, he ignored his feelings, smothering them under layers of self resentment and glasses of incredibly fucking expensive scotch.
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"Lokes?" Tony asks softly. He smacks his lips together, still tasting the smoky liquid, and knocks on the door again. "Loki, you've been in there for three days." He groans frustratedly. "Look you can't stay in there forever." He sighs heavily, his breath caught in his chest.
"Come on. Please? Please Lokes? I haven't heard a peep from you. Jarvis won't even let me in! And I'll be damned if I have to drag a suit up here and bust open the door myself. Is that really what you want? You want me to smash open the door, sing your fucking praises and beg you to come back into my arms? Well... Well, screw you Loki. You and your damned, feelings, and your heart. " Tony screams at the door, his liquor addled brain getting the best of him, like always lately.
Oh yea, that's bound to get him back Tony. Insult him and threaten him.
"Fuck." he swore dully and sunk down again the door.
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"Loki, I didn't mean it ok? I swear. It's just hard to think without you. I don't even remember to eat when I can't have you next to me. Isn't that just pathetic? I can't sleep, I can't eat, hell, I can't even work anymore Lokes. I'm completely lost here... I need you. Don't you need me to?" Tony cries, and the bottle slips from his hands and spills onto the floor.
Tears run down his face, and he tries to wipe them away clumsily. "Just a word. Any word. Yell at me. Swear. Even a knock if you don't want to talk. Just one. Please? On three, knock if you're alive." He blurts and looks up to the sky, body near limp with exhaustion and fear.
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"One," Tony says loudly, and his voice echoes in the empty house.
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"Two, " He stammers, biting his lip and praying, praying he hears something, anything to tell him Loki is still there.
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"Three." He squeaks, throat so tight he can barely breathe. Tony fights for breath, clutching at his chest.
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Silence
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Tony lets himself go, his body shaking hard with unbridled sobs. His body is empty and numb, and breathing is an effort almost too much to bear. He cries like a child, messy with swollen eyes and choking back snot. Memories of him pulling the lock at his own door, begging to be let out of his room flood into his head. Tony remembers being locked up for days, simply to be out of sight.
He lifts up his hands, looking at his scarred nails from all the wooden splinters so long ago.
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"Loki..." He whispers, trying to look through the crack of the door frame. "Are you there?" He calls, over and over, all night like a bleating lamb. But nothing answers back.
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-Many sleepless hours later-
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The morning is a sluggish one, and Tony heaves his body to a sitting pose against the door. His head reels and he crawls on all fours to the closest washroom and empties his stomach violently. Tony grips the porcelain rim, trying to steady himself against the spinning world.
"Tony?" A high, sweet voice calls out. He hears Pepper trip over something downstairs and swear colorfully. "Uh, that's gross. Tony? Tony! Are you here? God, it smells like something died. I swear if you sacrificed a goat to get Loki to talk to you-" She started and opened the door, hitting Tony's foot.
Tony gags and vomits again. "My.. *hic* bad leg pep. Owww." He moans and curls up in a ball.
"Oh Tony, up! You are not going down this tunnel again, I wont let you. Come here, I've got you." Pepper croons and hauls him to his feet, where Tony promptly dry heaves.
He's about as steady on his feet as a newborn eight legged goat, and pepper half drags him into the shower.
"You're still grieving, its alright to still be upset, but this isn't a healthy outlet. You made me swear never to let you be like your father, and I intend to keep my word. We are getting you clean, fed and you are going to drink at least half a gallon of water before you do anything else. "
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Tony hears peppers heels get kicked off against a wall, the squeak of the shower knob, and suddenly there's cold water in his face. He coughs and wheezes, and protests vividly as he's stripped to his bare butt in front of his most trusted friend. "Pep... Pep slow please... Quiet."' he begs, but his lady in a white suit had already gentled her moments and began scrubbing him down, starting with his face.
"No talking mister." She scolds, but her voice is soft, and Tony reluctantly allows her touch. It's comforting to him, being held again, and she seemed to know that.
Tony gets his face scrubbed with a soapy washcloth, and he tries to talk again, to express his urgency.
"Loki..."
"Will still be here in an hour. Come on Tony, I thought we were passed the blackouts." She asked, gently dabbing at a small cut on his cheek.
Tony looks away, heavily ashamed. "I... I needed it alright?" He spits out closing his eyes.
Suddenly there is a warm kiss on the crown of his head, and, now soaking wet pepper smiles so tenderly at him, that it clean breaks his heart. He cries again, clutching to her as she holds him close, and rubs the dirt off his back.
"Hey... Get it all out big guy, it's ok." She croons to him, and tony sniffles pathetically. "You know I still love you, even if you did fall off the wagon, alright? I'm not going anywhere, and I'm not leaving you. Not now, or ever. You're stuck with me Tony, and that's final." She promises, and wipes a tear from his eye.
Her small dusting of makeup (only ever enough to hide the bags under her eyes) has melted away, and Tony thinks she's never looked so beautiful, her eyes bright with promise, and her smile as warm as the sun.
"I know." He says lamely, and Jarvis pipes up from overhead. "I'm afraid your permanently bonded to me as well, master Stark." His British butler echoes, and Tony manages a small smile. "In fact, my programming would cease to operate without your daily affirmations." He chirped and the lights dimmed slightly, lessening Tony's hangover headache.
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He sat on the tub floor, letting pepper scrub his arms and chest. "We talked about this Tony, you knew it was not going to be easy to confront Loki." She confessed, and Tony felt her finger tilt his chin up as she scrubbed his neck.
"I know you need answers from him, and I know you need to know why he did it-"
"-He said it wasn't him." Tony defended, and caught peppers wrist in frustration.
"Tony let go please." She asks and waits patiently.
He releases her after a heartbeat and murmurs. "Sorry. It's still so raw. He hasn't said anything in days, and I'm... I just need to see him ok? He confessed and blushed as pepper began to wash his legs. "I still play it over in my head, every single night." He whispers and picks at his frostbitten skin on his wrists. "I swear all I did was try to help him. Pep, I wanted to be able to find out how his magic worked, he's scared to death of his father and I-" Tony's voice cracked and his chest seized. "I know what that's like." He spat and looked to Pepper for answers. "Can't he see that? Doesn't he know I did it to try and save him? And when he... turned.. God Pepper, he was a thing not a person. He was different and powerful and I couldn't fight him." He sobbed and held onto her hand. "He said he loved me, loves me, Pep." Tony clutched his wrists in memory of what happened. "Whatever that thing was, liked what he did to me. To my body." Tony confessed and Pepper was there, stroking his hand with her thumb as the cold water poured over them both.
"I'm here..." She soothes and tucks his hair behind his ear. "I cant Imagine how was terrifying it was for you Tony."
"It was my fault." He started and clutched his head. "If I had cared more, if I had payed attention to how scared he was, it wouldn't have happened."
"Tony this isn't your fault."
"Yes, it is Pep. I made him go into the scanner, I pushed him further than he was comfortable. And I was too fixated in my damn machine that it nearly killed him. Whatever took over, it just took what it wanted from my body. It wasn't Loki, not really."Tony's head spun and he felt the water stop. Pepper was drying him off now, and he slumped into her hands.
"Tony, sweetie, there is no excuse for what he did, and I know you still love him, but he raped you Tony."
"Don't say it!" He screeches and lashes out, trying to stop her words, and instead, slapping Pepper across the cheek. She blinks and looked at him hollowly, her split lip dripping blood onto her soaking white jacket.
"Pep I didn't mean to-" He started, but she stood up and picked her heels up off the floor.
"Get dressed, and sit down at the kitchen table until I get there." She says emotionlessly, holding her cheek, blood now dripping between her fingers.
"Pep I'm sorry!" He cried and lunged for her ankle, just missing it as she opens the door.
"I know you are Tony." She blurted and walked down the hall away from him. "Its not your fault."
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It took Tony a quarter of an hour to collect all the pieces of his clothes from the laundry basket, and he walks down the stairs with a limp. When Tony reaches the kitchen, he sees Pepper, sitting at a table, sipping a cup of her chamomile tea.
"I noticed Loki seemed to have been drinking these." She says, gesturing to her little half empty box.
"He claims it calms him down. And... He made coffee for me once in one." Tony smiles fondly and takes the other mug in his hands, rubbing his finger up and down on the hot handle. He looks down into the green tinged liquid, too ashamed to meet his companion's eyes.
"I'm sorry." He squeaks out, voice cracking under the strain of his inner turmoil. "Pep, I never meant to hurt you. I'm so sorry for that. I don't deserve you." He stammered and put a hand on his wrist to stop the shaking.
Tony watches her take a long swallow, and sigh heavily. "I'm still mad at you for hitting me. You didn't need to go that far. You're reckless when you drink heavily. Don't you remember your birthday? What you did to Rhodey? To Natasha and me?" She pleads, extending her hand to catch hold of Tony's shaking hands. "But this isn't about me right now, it's about you. You and Loki. Tony if you really want to try with him, then I'll do my best to support you."
Tony smiles and let Pepper hold his hands."Thanks dear, I knew you-"
"I'm not finished Tony." She says softly to him. "On three conditions. Firstly, you and he will attend some form of therapy until you work things out. Secondly, this house will get cleaned, and no more excessive drinking. And lastly, Tony, until we know that Loki won't turn... Into whatever he did, I don't trust him to be intimate with you. " Tony watches her lean over the table and kiss his hand. Tony feels pepper get up, and walk around to hold him. "I'll see if I can talk to him, ok? Just to see. Why don't you go play with dum-e, U and butterfingers? See if you can fix Jarvis." Pepper kisses his temple, and he watches her climb the stairs to his old bedroom.
Tony sits there, too numb to move, sipping his cold tea.
He waits until his drink is gone, and he takes the damp bag and places it under his eye, trying to soothe the migraine he can feel coming.
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When it's clear Pepper won't be coming down anytime soon, Tony reluctantly makes his way down to the garage. He punches in the code, and the familiar cool metallic smell calms him down. He decides to check on Loki's device, to be close to some part of him, if only in theory. The metal half rings sit lined up on his desk where he left them, all thirty three in a neat little line. Tony pushes up his stool, and brushes his hands over them, as if caressing Loki himself.
He picks up the second smallest sized batch, and starts carefully working the telomerase algorithm applied fluid, into the miniature reactor inside the bloðorn rings. Each one has to have the carefully measured fluid painstakingly dropped into the reactor, and if successful, the ring glows a deep orange.
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It takes him four hours just to calibrate one.
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The work is frustrating and delicate, but one how relieving. It feels good to tinker again, and having a problem he can actually solve. Tony takes a break after the sixth ring is successfully lit up, and checks on his most important piece. A stone kiln sits in the corner of his lab, horrendously out of place against his modern decor. He puts on his welding jacket and gloves, and lifts the heavy face shield down. Tony walks carefully up to the scorching hot bowl, and peers inside the shielded window. The same deep orange glow radiates from within, and it pulses as the power cycles through it, mimicking a heart.
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A small smile crept up on his face and he lovingly stroked the kiln. His future lay in there, and the potential for so much more. This was his legacy, and hopefully, a way to keep Odin from getting to Loki.