Surviving on Your Own

Fading into Darkness

"Hey Duo," I murmur. "What's up?"

His violet eyes pierce me with a disbelieving expression.

"You know my man Heero?" Noah asks Duo, slapping him on the back of his shoulder.

"Yeah, we go way back," Duo whispers. Noah gives him and I a suspicious look. Noah knows, or think he knows, that I'm a Gundam pilot. He has no idea of my ties to Duo, but he's skeptical.

Climbing on my lap, Landi chimes, "Hee-kun is one of my luv bugs!"

I can't tear my eyes away from him, he's looking at me like he's seeing a ghost. He looks so different, in a good way. I would have never thought he would gain so much height. His body is forming into that of an attractive man, more so than the boy I knew. Even the shorter hair is a nice touch. It flows in chestnut waves around his face and torso. Dear God, I knew I was attracted to him before, but goddamn.

Our staring match comes to an end as Noah passes him a green bottle of something. Turning his back to me, he swallows a large gulp. My eyes fall solemnly back into Landi's face. Tilting her head, she runs a soft hand down the side of my face, gently avoiding the bruises, seeing the sadness that surrounds my air.

Leaning in close, resting her forehead against mine, she whispers playfully, "How about we get fucked up and dance the night away?"

Nodding, that sounds good. We stand and surround the short dresser in the hotel room, my gaze keeps fluttering back to Duo, whose violet eyes find mine more often than not.

"Whaddya want baby?" Landi mumbles in my ear.

Leering into her big hazel eyes I respond, "Something up, something great."

"Okay," she winks. "But none of that meth shit," she mutters. "Tonight, we roll in the snow." Code words for meaning we're going to roll on ecstasy and snort cocaine, wink wink, the snow.

Shifting to the other people in the room, Landi waves a small baggie with capsules inside. "Who wants to party?" She squeaks excitedly, shashaying her shoulders.

Noah and three other guys and two girls whoop, all except for Duo. Our eyes once again make contact as I place the pill in my mouth, swallowing it with a shot of vodka. Complete astonishment graces his face, making his eyes widen again in amazement. I bet he's not happy with me part taking in this little drug induced adventure.

After ingesting the X, we inhale a few lines of coke. Again, I notice Duo is the only person in the room who doesn't participate. He just sucks on a bottle of whatever, nervously. I over do the coke a little, snorting four lines in twenty minutes. Ecstasy takes thirty to forty five minutes to kick in, and I don't want to wait to be blitzed again.

Landi cranks up some hardstyle techno music, and pulls me to dance with her. In minutes I find myself surrounded by all the females present, undulating against me. Two of the guys join our dance party, Duo and an orange haired dude stick close to Noah, talking money, I assume. Duo and I consistently make eye contact as the minutes pass. I think we're both a little more than shocked to see each other.

My high picks up momentum as I move about, swaying, jerking, flowing to the music. My skins tingles, perspiration seeps from my pours, every cell sings. My body temperature increases into an almost unbearable state, I lick my lips, mouth dry, I feel good.

With my eyes closed, I've almost forgotten Duo's presence until Landi murmurs in my ear. "You wanna make that hot friend of yours jealous?"

I nod, smirking, "Yeah, I do." She turns, and bounces her booty in the air. I grind up behind her, grasping her soft curvy hips so we move together. Bending at the waist, she pushes her rump into my crotch and twerks provocatively. We continue our bump and grind dance until she's got her arms thrown around my neck, circling our midsections together.

A tap at my shoulder, and I glance over and catch Duo's eyes. I stop dancing and turn to face him. "You wanna grab a smoke with me outside?" He asks. His usually animated face is a blank stare, but the energy wafting from him tells me he's mad.

"Yeah," I yell over the music. "Just gimme a sec." I push pass him to the dresser. Cutting enough coke for two lines, I ask him if he wants any. He shakes his head and I use a rolled ten-dollar bill to snort the fat line I've cut. It's a lot, but I figure I'm gonna need it for where this conversation might be headed.

Jumping on the balls of my feet, I tell him, "Lead the way." Eyeing me dubiously, he walks out of the hotel room and I follow. We walk up one fight of stairs to the roof.

I watch as he takes a long gulp from a flask."Gimme a swig." It almost sounds like one word, but he understands me through my high fast paced communication.

Handing me the bottle, his violet eyes still appraise me in an unsure way. Mmm, fuck its tequila. Like the shit, but don't love it. I hand the bottle back.

"When'd you start using?" He asks, taking a large swallow from the bottle.

Shrugging, I don't care to answer. It's none of his business. "When you cut your hair?" I rebuttal.

He smirks, "Very recently." He's quiet for a moment before he says, "You're different. I can't tell if it's good or bad."

My teeth rattle together, not from the cold, but from the drugs. "You seem different too," I respond. He's not just different physically, I may not have Quatre's space heart, but I can sense a dark energy when there's one around. Lizard brain and all. Those strange colored eyes lack a certain life, the laughter they once held.

It's quiet for a while as he lites a cigarette and smokes. Passing it to me, he asks more questions. "That weird looking chick your girlfriend?"

"No, just a friend...How's that Schiebeker girl?" I want to take back the words as soon as they leave my mouth. I knew he had been working with her, but I really don't want to know whatever kind of relationship they may have.

"Hilde? Ah well, she was my girl, but we broke up recently."

Again, the word vomit. "What happened?"

"I'd rather not talk 'bout it," he says with a grimace. Eyeing me again with suspicious violet orbs, he belittles, "Never would have thought you'd be a drug user, Yuy. Gotta say I'm pretty disappointed."

Livid. That makes me fucking livid. He doesn't know what I've been doing or going through since the war ended. Maybe he would have if he had stayed in contact. "Fuck you," I fume.

"Excuse me?"

"I said, Fuck. You. You don't know me or my life. You're not a part of it anymore! And that's all your fucking fault!"

"My fault? How the hell is it my fault?" He yells, stepping close to tower over me.

Shoving him back, I holler, "You said you would come see me, or something like that! So I waited! I waited for you to call, to show up, to fucking email me! But you didn't! You promised and it was a lie! So I'll say it again, FUCK YOU!" And with that, I turn and make a hasty exit from the roof.

I've let my emotions get the better of me again. I can't deal with this. Can't deal with him, and not what...what happened. Thinking about it gives all the bruises, scrapes, and welts life. I can feel the pain consuming by body like a fire. The filth, I need to shower off again. Why'd he have to be here? Why now? Why everything?

I'm trembling violently as I push my way back into the hotel room. I need a hit. I need one now. I need it bad. I find my duffel and drag it into the bathroom, no body from the little party notices me. I go through the process of cooking as fast as I can with quavering limbs. But finally it's done.

Injecting it into my blood, it hits fast. Too fast. And I know I've over done it this time. But I don't care. Warmth, happiness, is all I feel. The pain has disappaited. Sucked down further and further, I think my time is up. I should be scared, panicked even. But I'm not. If this is my time to die, then so be it...my world fades to black.