Fucked
I had to go. No way I could stay. Though a part of me is happy to have seen him again, another side is dying. He could never want me now, not after what has happened to me and what I've become. After I fell asleep he re-dressed me and I know that he bore witness to all my scars and bruises. He knows. How could he want to be with this pathetic version of me? I'm far from the person he once knew. And so I left. Disappeared in the early morning without waking him up to thank him for saving my life. My only farewell to him was a gentle kiss on his forehead.
Duo's better off without me.
Running into Wufei in the hanger had been a surprise, an even bigger shock when he let me go freely since it clearly goes against his principals. I think my blunt honesty and true feelings towards him stunned his psyche. And I meant every word I said. He is one of the few people I considered a friend. We were brothers in arms. Maybe we're still friends, but I doubt he'd want to associate himself with the likes of me now.
Why did I let myself become like this?
Pondering the meaning of my wasteful existence, I travel through space and head for earth, that big, blue, life-sustaining planet. With the autopilot engaged and the gravity turned off, I float about, high as kite after I've rebound my chest and wait to hit her atmosphere. Duo fractured my sternum and there's not much I can do about it except to use medical grade wraps to bind my chest as tightly as possible. As for the drugs, I still have the violet ball necklace and found two extra grams stowed away in a compartment. It won't last me long and when I land I'll be on my own to find more. A search I've never committed alone before, so I'll have to find the seediest of people to do so. When I'm close to Earth, I refuse the itching urge to keep my high going so I can make it safely and land somewhere in Europe. If I could, I would land in Belgium and visit Relena, but I can't distract her from the work she's doing. At least one of us is still doing something beneficial for the people of Earth and Space.
I decide to land in Germany, east of Hamburg and I use an acquired alias to keep my spacecraft off the Preventer's watch list. Doesn't take all that long to find a youth hostel that I can afford with the little amount of cash I've got on hand. Can't access my accounts, I'm more than sure that the Preventers have put a watch on my bank funds. If I run out, there are plenty of unwholesome ways to get more. I've sunk this far; why not sink a little lower?
My first night in the dingy, damp room I spend shooting up and watching world news on a shitty black and white, static ridden television screen, and listen to a prostitute in the next room fuck john after john. I hope she gets tipped decently for all the effort she puts into her loud, fake orgasms.
The rain from outside leaks in through cracks around the windowpane, past yellow water stains, dripping with new moisture and puddle onto the floor. The crummy mattress I lay atop of is lumpy and has no frame, just situated on the hard floor like a forgotten piece of trash. Stain covered and probably never washed, these sheets smell like absolute shit. Numbly, I stare at my cell phone, gazing at the number displayed on the touch screen, wishing so desperately to press my thumb over the call button and hear her voice. I miss her so much, equally to how much I miss Duo only in a completely different way. They're both the friends I never deserved, one who is the physical embodiment of all my ideals, the other the body and mind of everything I desire that goes past friendship. I don't deserve either of them or anyone at all.
Rolling onto my side, I drag the sheet over my shoulders and curl myself in. It's cold in here and the sheets are torn, worn, and littered with cigarette burn holes. I enjoy my perpetual state of numbness that brings along the friends lethargy and apathy, allowing me to not give a damn about anything or anyone. In a way it's sort of like being in "mission-mode", all for the mission, but this is more like all for me and fuck the rest. Completely selfish and I know that, but after all I've been through and done I think I deserve to be a little selfish from time to time, no matter how damaging it may be to my body.
The week passes in a misty haze. I keep myself sedated and I've had to start injecting into my right arm because the track marks in my left are beginning to look intimidating and worrisome. Luckily for me there's a cheap Chinese take-out restaurant on the corner of the block, which is were I get box after box of chow mein. Not in the mood for much variety and am lacking an appetite, so I stick with what I like and what's easy.
I'm almost out of dope now. I've got one hit left and I'm trying to hold on to it. While wishing that I had a source – a dealer – here, I remember the hooker in the next room and come up with the idea that she might know someone, possibly give me a name if I pay her to.
Getting to my feet, I walk sluggishly to the door. I can already feel the first touches of withdrawal coming on. My hands, forehead, and pits are perspiring more than normal. I can feel myself becoming more and more anxious, the hairs on the back of my neck standing on end. I'm itchy and not at the same time, an overall uncomfortable sensation in my skin.
Moving down the hallway, I lean heavily against the door to room six and knock. A young woman close to my age opens the door. She's a little older than me, a little taller too, and has long, unkempt blonde hair that flows over her supple breasts. Red rounded scars over the blue veins in the fold of her arm tell me she's a user also.
"What do you want?" she asks in a heavy German accent.
"I was wondering if you could help me out," I reply elusively, pulling a wad of cash from my pocket.
"Come in."
Stepping into the small room that's identical to my own, she reaches her long arms to take off her shirt and pulls it over her head, throwing it to lie on the floor.
"Um," I mumble, staring at her breasts as her nipple grow taut in chilled air. "I'm not here for that."
"Then what is it that you want?"
"I need a hook up," I say, stretching out my left arm so she can see what I'm getting at. "I'll pay you for helping me out."
"You want methamphetamine or heroin?"
"H."
"My pimp is also my dealer. I can get you want when he comes by, but you cannot be here."
"When will that be?"
She looks around the room, spies a clock and says, "One hour."
"Alright."
Briefly discussing prices and quantity, I leave a good chunk of my cash with her and tell her that I'm in the next room so I'll know if she rips me off.
Two hours come and go; I hear everything going on in the next room. My ear is pressed to the wall because I can't fight off the anxiety, and I need to be reassured that she isn't going to be a bitch and jip me. I don't want to have to do anything extreme, but I will if she tries to fuck me over.
A soft knock on my door and she comes in, thankfully wearing a shirt.
She sits on the edge of my mattress and drops a decent sized, saran wrapped dime bag of black tar heroin in my hand. It fits pretty well in my palm, and judging by its weight I can safely say that it's the half-ounce I wanted.
"Thank you," I mumble, making haste to set up my rig and get down to business.
She looks around the room and then back at me. "Do you mind if I stay and cook up a hit with you?" Rolling my eyes, I give her a glare from my side vision. "I have my own shit, alright. I'm not asking for some of yours."
"Okay, do you have your own needle because I don't share mine."
She nods and pulls out her own set up from a little beat up pink purse.
While wrapping a torn strip of bed clothe around my right arm, I ask her, "What's your name?"
"Candy."
"What's your real name?"
"Claudia. Who are you?"
"Heero," I respond, pull the tourniquet off my arm and take the plunge. It hits good and lay on my back as it kicks in.
Claudia, candy or whatever rolls me onto my side, stuffs pillows behind my back and advises, "You shouldn't stay on your back, Heero, in case you get sick."
Groaning is the only response I can give. I watch her with half lidded eyes as she gets doped up and comes to lie beside me, face to face. Her eyes are the same shade of blue as Relena's. It makes my chest constrict so I close my eyes and drift away.
Claudia keeps me company over the next few days when she's not entertaining. After spending four days with her I decide to leave Hamburg in exchange for Brussels. I had a short e-mail correspondence with Relena, and she urged me to visit her as soon as possible. She thinks the Preventers are looking for me, she's probably right. Even if they weren't looking for me, I'd go see her. I'm tired of being alone.
After packing up the few things that I own into my duffel bag I get on a train destined for Belgium. I told her I would be sneaking onto her estate and climbing up to her balcony sometime around midnight to avoid security guards and ultimately her brother. Last thing I need is to deal with Agent fucking Wind. I tried my best to stay sober throughout the day, but I ended up taking a few tokes off of some foil while I was loitering around Brussels and waiting for the stroke of midnight.
Getting onto her property is actually quite the difficult task since I was the one to create the current system that protects her home and I trained her guards. That said, I do know the few weakest spots, and when and how often the guards patrol on foot, so I know when to hide and remain in the shadows and where to breach the system. Scaling up onto her balcony proves to me that I'm doing a lot of damage to my body because by the time I finally get both feet down my breathing is labored and I'm more strained than I should be.
She told me she'd leave her door unlocked and when I enter her bedroom she's there, seated on her the edge of bed in a silk nighty. The look Relena gives me is the very antithesis of relief. I probably look like absolute shit compared to the last time she saw me.
She jumps off the bed, walks speedily up to me, clutches my face between her hands and searches my eyes for something. "What's happened to you?" she whispers.
Wrapping my fingers gently around her slender wrists, I mutter, "I haven't been doing so well lately."
"What's been going on? Tell me," she pleas, stroking her thumbs over my cheekbones.
"Just a bunch of shit. Maybe I'll tell you about it tomorrow."
Her brows furrow, her mouth forms a sad frown, and she nods her head forlornly. We talk for a little while. She shows me to the room I'll be using, which is located next to hers. She tells me to keep the door locked and stay there during the day because Milliardo has been working in her estate. That's pretty easy to accomplish since I can do without food until the evening. I have my own bathroom, and I've got enough shit to keep me zonked out of my head.
I came back to the real world around thirteen hundred hours to find a plate of food on the bedside nightstand. I know Relena must have been the one to leave it, and I groan into my pillow because all my paraphernalia is on the other nightstand. If I had known she would come in to bring me lunch, I would have at least attempted to hide my shit in a drawer or something. Should have known she'd come to check on me. God, I'm such a fucking idiot.
Long after nightfall she comes back to my room, knocking on the door lightly. I open it to allow her in and we sit on the large bed. Waiting for her to say something, I fiddle with a pillow placed over my lap and try to squelch the nauseating dread of this conversation.
"Heero," she says softly. Always softly, the way she has always said my name in that sighing sort of manner. "When did you start…star-start that doing that?"
"Using heroin?" I say it for her. Obviously, it's a painful topic.
Her large blue eyes widen, and she hisses, "That's what that stuff is?!"
Nodding, I divert my gaze from hers.
"Heero, why are you doing this?" she begs to know, scooting close to me and grabbing my hands.
I shrug.
"Look, it- it's alright. We can get you help. We can find a secluded rehab. You can use a fake name, and we can get you the help and care you need."
Shaking my head, I mutter, "No, no, I don't want help."
"But why?"
"I don't want to stop," I tell her honestly.
As if her face could appear more shocked, it does, and she looks like she just might cry. Please Relena, don't waste your tears on me.
"If you keep doing this, you'll die."
Again, I shrug. This makes her flip from depressed to furious. She slaps me across the face. Hard.
"Just because you don't give a fuck-" wow, she's livid. I've rarely heard her swear. "-about your damn life, doesn't mean others don't! What would Duo or the pilots think of this?!"
Rubbing my stinging cheek, I mumble, "He already knows."
"He does, does he?"
"And so does Wufei."
"And they haven't tried to stop you?"
"I wasn't around them long enough to give them a chance to speak their mind…but I would have said the same thing to them."
She climbs off the bed and makes for the door. With the knob in her hand, she glares at me from over her shoulder and confirms, "This talk isn't over."
With Relena gone I go into the bathroom to smoke with the vent on. I feel like a piece of shit for using her like this, having her hide me and continuing my drug use in her home, but I can't bring myself to stop. I know she's deeply concerned for me and that I should go to some kind of rehab, but I really don't see the point. For the first time ever I'm being selfish like everybody else and I'm happy. I don't think I could be happy without the drugs. I'd go back to thinking over my mistakes and back to the night terrors. Fuck that shit.
My time with Relena goes by in a daze, much like the rest of my life, but she brings a certain amount of comfort to my tumultuous soul. Each night she begs me to fix myself, and each night I tell her I don't want to change. Most evenings she stays by my side until I fall asleep, and occasionally she'll remain with me until the sunrises. I know I should leave, but I really want to stay. This is a solid place that makes me feel at home, and part of me knows that if I had never left before I wouldn't be the way I am now. Another regret to add to the ever growing list of mistakes. The other benefit of living with Relena again is the copious amounts of solitude. Even though I miss Noah and more importantly, Landi, I can't help but feel relieved to not be pulled around from place to place and obligated to partake in socializing with strung out strangers. It was a good experience while it lasted, but I'm a loner by nature and it feels good to embrace this facet of myself again. I guess I don't work well in a group anymore. Whatever, I just want to be on my own for most of the day with Relena's interruptions as a welcomed tool to keep from going completely insane.
After spending a little over a week at Relena's I was used to waking up alone, so you can imagine how surprised I was to awake and find someone sleeping next to me. Even more astonished to see it was Wufei when my vision came into focus. What the hell is he doing here? And how did he get past me in the middle of the night? Gazing around the room I spy Trowa on chair in the corner of the room staring out the window with dark, worried eyes.
"Why are you here?" I groan out quietly.
His tired green eyes turn to me. "Wufei and I are looking for Quatre. You wouldn't happen to know where he might be, would you?" he asks on a whisper.
"No. I saw him on TV when I was in the hospital. He lost his job."
"Why were you in the hospital?" he asks, tilting his head.
"It was nothing," I deflect.
"Will you help us search for Quatre?"
"I don't, maybe," I mutter while picking at the comforter. Helping them would be the 'right' thing to do, but that means I'd have to leave which isn't what I want to do. "Why is it so important that you find him?"
"I think he needs our help. Being forced to step down from his career couldn't have been easy."
"I'm sure he can take care of himself," I point out the obvious. Well, maybe it's obvious to me and not him. Rolling onto my side I pull open the drawer where I hid my shit and find nothing there. My anxiety spikes through the roof. "Where's my shit?" I practically yell. Trowa doesn't say anything, just sits there like an asshole looking scared and I feel Wufei shift in the bed. The back of my neck heats up, radiating into my skull and what little control I have left is shattered. "Where the fuck is my shit?!" I scream.
"I flushed it," Trowa mutters with a shrug.
"YOU WHAT?!" I shriek, leap from the bed and run into the bathroom. "What the hell gives you the right to go through my shit and throw it away?!"
Inside the confined room I see my black canvas roll up bag with the needle, spoon, and lighter still in place but no smack. My fingers tear at my hair and I scream with my mouth closed for half a second before my eyes settle on the silver chain around my neck in the mirrors reflection. My necklace! Unscrewing the ball from the silver top, I dump the remaining contents onto the counter. It's only enough for one line, and so I snort up most of it and lick the residue off the marble.
It's not enough. I have to get more. But only after I've beaten Trowa fucking Barton to a bloody pulp.
Existing the bathroom, I glare daggers at my former friend.
"I was doing you a fucking favor by throwing that crap away! That shit's going to kill you! How could you even do it in the first place?" Trowa yells at me from across the room.
It's good he's on his feet now because I'll have the pleasure of knocking him on his ass. Sprinting across the room, I slam into him and shove him into the bookcase, fists flying. Each blow he attempts to deal me, I block, which leaves him with the only option to shove me away, ineffectually. I'm too caught up in the moment, lost in the rage to notice that Wufei has come up behind me and viciously kicked me in the nuts until it's already happened.
From the floor I bellow, "What the fuck is the matter with you?! Now I'm going to have to find another hook. That shit was suppose to last me awhile."
Trowa kneels and grips my shoulder as my hands are busy cupping my genitals, and he says, "You don't need drugs, Heero. Once we get you clean you'll realize that."
Slapping his hand away, I yell, "Fuck you! It's my life! I can do whatever the fuck I want now that the war's over."
Now it's Wufei's turn to get in my face: "You saved the world from extinction! And now you want to spend the rest of your life in a drug induced daze? What kind of loser are you? You of all people should be proud of your accomplishments!"
The tears of frustration in my eyes threaten to spill over and I pathetically sob, "Should I be proud of the innocent people I killed too?"
Wufei's dark eyes soften, the anger lines around his eyes loosening. He whispers almost apologetically, "We all killed innocent people, Heero. That's what happens in a war whether it be by accident or a necessary casualty, it happens. We're all dealing with it."
"No," I seethe, "We're not all dealing with it. I was supposed to be better. I was trained to be the best. I wasn't supposed to make mistakes!" How do they not get that? I was suppose to be better. I was designed to perform to be highly above average. I fell far below that standard.
"You're only human," Trowa flabbergasts.
"Yeah, well this human I am and this body that holds me together needs some fucking H to function," I yell.
My uni-banged alley shouts, "You don't need heroin to make you whole!"
"It's my life! This is my fucking life now! Nobody tells me what I can and can't do! So just fuck off and leave me alone!" I seethe, scamble to my feet, and pull on my clothes. I have to get out of here. I have to get more smack. I have to get it now or I'll explode! I can already feel the DT's itching up my spine.
"You can't leave," Wufei reprimands me.
"Why the fuck not?"
"If you're seen you'll cause a lot of problems for Relena. You don't want to do that to her, do you?" Trowa adds.
I throw my head back in exasperation because I know he's right. I can't do this alone, not when I'm on the Preventers top ten hit list. They're on it too, but together we're better than separate, so I demand, "Well then you two are just going to have to help me. I can't stay here like this. I need a hook and then I'll be good again."
"What don't you understan-" Wufei begins to shout, but the bedroom door is kicked in with a sickening crack that sends us all running for the balcony.
There's no time to assess the danger, we all flee as fast as we can.
I don't even make it to the double doors, as depressing as that is, before hands grab at my body and drag me to the floor. With my face gaining a hefty carpet burn; I realize that Preventer Agents are hauling me back into the center of the room and that they've captured the Trowa and Wufei as well.
Well…shit…we're fucked. And that's putting it kindly.
Multiple Agents hold the three of us, and I can't fight the will to break free. So even as Zechs – that blond motherfucker – emerges from the group of two dozens Agents, I struggle in the arms of what I can assume to be the Preventer's finest – second best to us former Gundam Pilots.
"We're taking you in and sending you to a special program," Zechs says, sticking me in the arm with a needle.
I try to retort something catty, but whatever was in that syringe hits hard and fast.
The room spins, twirls on the Earths axis before the lights shut off and everything turns to darkness.
Seconds, minutes, hours, days later my eyes flutter open and a blinding light fuzzes my vision. From what I can hear, there's a running river or possible a heavy flowing faucet? My open sleeping mouth is inhaling something earthy. My sight comes into focus, the harsh light decreases, and I can see the dark – and taste – dirt of some ground. Rolling over onto my side, my eyes burn from the heat of solar flares.
I'm on Earth, but where?