Chapter 11: Cats Cradle

There was a soft knock on Dean's door that startled him. He'd been nestled into his couch with his hand wrapped around a bottle of Jack. For a moment, he prayed that whoever it was would just go away if he ignored it. No such luck. With a sigh, he got up and stowed away the bottle first; only once it had been tucked away did he go to the door. Dean didn't bother looking through the peephole before opening it.

At his doorstep stood Castiel Novak -not in his usual black suit, either. "Isn't this practically naked for you?" slipped out of Dean's mouth before he could stop it. Cas was still wearing slacks, but there was a lack of a jacket and his sleeves were rolled up. Even his tie was a little askew.

Cas let himself smile a little before asking with a hand motion towards the inside of the apartment if he could come in. Dean moved out of the way to let him pass. "It's been a long day and we're preparing to wind down. Some of us are heading back to Quantico tonight, others tomorrow."

This made Dean feel uncomfortable. He wasn't quite ready for Cas to leave, especially with everything that had happened. It almost felt like someone was preparing to pull a rug from beneath his feet. "And where do you fall in that category?"

"My flight leaves at 4 am, I have a lot of work to get done at the office."

"Right," Dean muttered softly. He led them into the kitchen and pulled out a beer for Cas and himself. He held it out with a quirked eyebrow. "Unless you know. Drinking on the job."

"The case is currently closed, at least our involvement in this chapter," he took the beer from himself, fingertips brushing against Dean's.

Satisfied that he could get Cas to stick around just a little longer, he popped open his beer on the counter and then went digging for a bottle opener for Cas. He stopped as out of the corner of his eye he saw Cas pull out his belt buckle from the leather belt and crack open his own. That shouldn't have been so hot, but it was, and at least now he had an excuse to stare openly at the other man's lower half. He knew he'd drunk a little too much whiskey beforehand, and that the beer was a bad idea, when his eyes searched to find Cas' outline to get a vague idea of his size.

"Agent Winchester," Dean's head snapped up, his face was starting to get red, "I believe the phrase is, 'my eyes are up here'?"

The only thing that stopped Dean from crawling underneath his cramped sink and letting himself rot there was the glint in Cas' eye and the amused smirk that played on his lips.

Trying to save face, Dean stuttered out a petulant, "Yeah, well, kinda hard not to with that belt buckle trick."

"It's a practical clothing accessory, Dean."

"Practical," Dean muttered, rolling his eyes, but at the very least he didn't feel like hiding away. Cas' tone had taken an amused, almost flirtatious tone. And Dean could live with that.

"I'm surprised to find you here," Cas said after a few sips of his beer. "I would've assumed you'd be at the hospital with your brother."

Dean sighed and raised his hands towards the ceiling. "I tried. But apparently I'm 'hovering and just making things worse', so I got sent home." He glared at Cas as he heard a poorly hidden chuckle. "This isn't funny. They're checking him for injuries and after that keeping him for observation 'of his mental state'. I feel like family should be there for that."

"I'd have to agree," Dean looked surprised, "usually. But I've been told by some of your associates that you tend to 'mother hen' the people you care about."

"I do not!"

"There's nothing wrong with that, Dean. It's just not practical for the staff."

"You can stuff it," Dean replied and moved out of the kitchen towards the couch. He paused long enough to make sure that Cas got the hint to follow. He turned the TV on and was glad he'd hidden the whiskey. How pathetic would it have looked to have him with a bottle out and staring at a black screen?

"So, you've got about six hours to waste. Why the personal visit?"

"I wanted to check on you. Make sure that you were okay. There have been quite a number of shocks within a short period of time for you."

Dean struggled to get the swig of beer down his throat. He hadn't wanted to really talk about this, at least not until some down time. It's why he was nervous about Cas leaving so soon. He'd fucked up a lot in a few short hours. What he'd wanted was to make sure his brother was safe, drown out the last few hours, and crash. He knew there were several consequences waiting for him, but at the moment he didn't want to think about the repercussions. He especially wasn't sure if he was ready to talk to Cas. He'd ditched another agent, and at the time due to necessity, his partner. Hell, he hadn't even checked to see if Cas had been hit. There'd been a lot of bullets in that hallway and some of them had smashed into the wall near Cas. "Hey. I'm uh, look..."

"I understand," Cas interrupted. He'd originally truly just wanted to see Dean before they flew back. After they'd found him and he'd made sure to check Azazel's pulse, they hadn't had much of a chance to talk. Dean had been whisked away in an ambulance to be sure- he'd had some blood left over from Meg's body (and hadn't been able to convince the paramedics that he was fine and it wasn't his), that he was safe. After that, Cas had gone down with the rest of the team to retrieve Sam.

But, now that he was here, maybe it would be a good time to talk. One of the things he had admired about Dean since first seeing him was his sense of duty and loyalty. To both family and his job, 'doing the right thing'. He had made the assumption that these two values, different sides of the same coin, had never had to clash before. That they had always gone hand in hand. Psychologically, this would be an obstacle that Dean would have to overcome himself. And for better or for worse, he already knew that Dean's actions would be overlooked by the officials.

"No, Cas. I fucked up."

"Dean-"

"Seriously, Cas. I messed up and I know it. And I left you- fuck, you didn't get hurt did you? I haven't even bothered to ask or-"

"I am of perfect health, Dean."

"They're never going to let me work again."

"That's a little melodramatic."

"Oh fuck, the transfer, too. I don't think even your good word is going to-"

"Dean."

"- change anything. This is it. Leaving an agent behind like that is inexcusable-"

"Dean, you've been cleared. Whatever repercussions happen at your branch beforehand is undetermined, but you've been cleared and sanctioned."

"- I'd beat anyone else's ass who did this six ways to Sunday but- hold up. What?" Dean stopped his rambling, lifting his head up and staring at Cas, confused. "I haven't even had my review hearing yet."

"It comes from a little higher up in the chain of command than your office," Cas replied, twirling the glass of beer between his fingers. He was glad for it, in that it meant Dean's position wouldn't be jeopardized, but he wasn't comfortable with the lack of structure in the order.

"How high up?" Dean asked, voice a little nervous. While he loved being a good agent, and having his name known around a few blocks, it generally spelled trouble the higher up your name got.

"The CIA and head of the FBI feel that you acted in the best interest of the country and the job in mind."

"Who the hell sold them that crap?" Dean huffed out, a little offended. He didn't need anyone making excuses for him. He glared at Cas a little accusingly. He couldn't think of anyone else high up enough to have been such an influential voice.

"As enamoring as you are, and as much as I do like you, the information came as a shock to me."

He had checked in with Zachariah during the canvassing of the little town that Sam had been kidnapped to. Reluctantly, he'd given the full details. Dean had taken off without leaving indicators as to where he was going upon arrival, had not checked in with a single teammate, and had ended up on his knees in the dirt with a gun pointed at his head. (He hadcalled the CIA first because of the joint task force, and because it would be easier to rehearse how to give the gruesome details before having to present Dean's file for transfer to the BAU).

To his surprise, the response had been a jovial "not to worry about the small details". He had expressed his confusion, and then was told that Dean's actions had been sanctioned by the FBI and CIA, and that if he wanted to there was an honorary mention waiting for him for the aid in capturing a terrorist and killing one.

"Well I'll be damned," Dean whispered, leaning back into the couch. The drunk buzz in his head cleared a little bit with the shock.

His face started to redden again as he realized the tangent he had gone off on. He swallowed it down and closed his eyes, tilting his head back against the couch cushion. "That's all well and good, Cas. But I still left you. How can you put someone like that on your team?"

Cas didn't hesitate to reach forward and place a warm hand on Dean's shoulder. It startled Dean a little, but Cas gently tightened his grip until the other man was looking at him. There was an expression in his eyes that Dean couldn't quite read. "You will have a disciplinary course that you have to take, and we will have to be very strict about the freedoms you have in the field, but the job is still yours if you want it. Well, after the FBI clears you from your... personal involvement in this case, as well."

Dean leaned into the touch a little bit, "I can do that- and speaking of. This.. C.O.L.T. business, my mom and everything and Sam-"

"A discussion for another day, perhaps. There will be a lot of... chaos in your life in the next few weeks. The fallout from this will not be easy to navigate through, for you or your brother. My personal suggestion is to take it a day at a time and not worry about it for tonight."

"That your advice as a profiler?" Dean breathed out with a bit of disbelieving irritation.

"It's my advice as an acquaintance," Cas replied, stroking his thumb idly along the seam of the shirt on Dean's shoulder.

"You saved my life," Dean laughed, smiling a little ruefully. "You've had to take care of my drunken ass, and been kidnapped by me to go on a crazy rescue mission. I think it's okay if you say we're friends."

Cas couldn't help but smile back a little. He let his hand slide down and off of Dean's arm. In the time they'd been talking they'd scooted far enough into each other that their legs were touching- a warm line of heat from their knees and up their thighs. It wasn't like either of them could be blamed for that. It had been an intense and emotional subject matter to talk about. It was natural to move in together. Cas let his hand rest back in his lap and let his own head lean back onto the headrest of the couch. The way he angled his face put them mere inches apart. "Yes, friends. I would like that very much."

"Good," Dean swallowed and let his eyes trail around Cas' face before settling back on the eyes. The man had a very strong gaze. Dean found that he couldn't spend too long looking straight into it before he felt like he was being swallowed up, drowning and being pulled down into something deep that picked him apart and put him back together. He bet that it's what helped Cas be such a good profiler. Eyes like that could pick anyone apart. "It'd be awkward when I moved to Virginia if we didn't get along."

"Am I interrupting something?"

Dean's beer clattered to the ground as he nearly sprang up off of the couch. Lisa was standing in the doorway area between the hallway and the living room. Castiel, much more composed, gently set his own beer down on the coffee table.

"Lisa- what are you doing here?"

She frowned a little and jingled a set of keys in her hand. "You gave me the spare, remember? If I ever need to come in or watch the place? I got turned away at the hospital. They wouldn't tell me where you were. I knocked on the door, but no answer. I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to," she looked at Cas, trying to remember where she had seen him before, "interrupt a night or something. I can go."

"Do not trouble yourself Miss Braeden," Castiel said, getting up and smoothing out his tie. Dean cringed. What he had originally thought had looked cute now looked incriminating as all hell as Cas' nimble fingers twisted it back around the right way. "I was just heading out, my flight leaves in a few hours. I simply came in to check on Dean before my departure." He walked forward and gave curt nod to her, professional and formal, "It is good to see you looking well. Dean," he turned and held out his hand. They shook, Dean feeling incredibly awkward and a little cold. Things had felt so warm and close just two seconds before. Almost intimate. "We will be in touch, of course. You have the BAU extension and all the numbers. Call if you need anything."

Lisa and Dean watched in silence as Cas toed on his shoes again and walked out of the apartment. What atmosphere had collected in the hour or two that they had been talking was swept out the door behind the agent. Feeling strangely empty and aching for the feeling again, he went to the cabinet and pulled out his whiskey, pouring himself a glass. Lisa shook her head when he tried to offer her something.

"It really wasn't anything that it looked like," Dean started but Lisa cut him off.

"You don't need to explain yourself to me. We're not together. It's totally okay if you see other people, men or women, just, a heads up would've been nice. We've been waiting for updates since they told us you took off and couldn't be found. Only reason I found out that you might be back was because it's all over the news that Azazel's dead and another person's been caught."

"Lis-"

She held up her hand to silence him, sighing. Lisa let herself lean back onto the island counter in the kitchen. Her expression was blank and carefully schooled intro neutrality, but when she turned her head to face him fully it changed.

"Ben's been scared," she muttered, "for you, for Sam. And they wouldn't tell us anything. I couldn't tell him anything." She raised her hand again to silence him as he attempted to talk. "I understand, this is your job. We're not together. But we agreed at least to raise Ben together, the best we could. I'm... it's not your fault but I'm tired of having this conversation. It's the only conversation we've had in months. I could care less about me but-"

"I know, fuck, I know."

The room felt cold and heavy with depression.

"Moving, huh?"

Dean winced.

Lisa laughed a little, "When were you going to tell us that little piece of information."

"I don't even know if I'm doing it yet, but... the BAU offered me a job, if I wanted to. That training that I did, when I went up to Virginia-"

"Was for the job," she nodded her head and crossed her arms loosely. She tilted her head back. "When do you leave?"

"Lis- I haven't even decided yet."

"Yes you have," she stepped forward a little and uncurled her arms. She put a gentle hand on his cheek. "I know you. You're leaving. And I should slap you right now, for hiding this so long from Ben. Just because-" her voice shook and she pulled her hands back so that she wouldn't go taking a swing at Dean.

"About six months, would be the official move. If I choose. The rest of the training I've been doing will help me here, too. I could always be better at my job," Dean tried to say it casually, attempting to make a joke about his marriage to his work.

"You don't want to stay here, Dean."

He didn't have a response to her that wouldn't have been a lie. He loved her, and he loved Ben...

"The few times I have seen you, you've seemed happier. Well, before all this," she waved her arms around to indicate the kidnapping, "and that's good. I just wish you would've talked to us about it."

"Be as pissed as you want, I deserve it," Dean mumbled taking a swig of the whiskey and concentrating on the burn. Of course he'd been thinking about them, of course he'd been wanting to talk to them, but other things had taken precedence and he'd been fine putting them out of his head as long as they were safe. And he had known they were.

"I'm not mad, Dean. I'm disappointed."

And for whatever reason, that was worse. Dean felt his insides crumble.

"Just make sure you say goodbye to Ben before you decide to go." She gave him one last look before walking out of the kitchen and disappearing into the hallway. Dean winced when he heard the door shut.

He sighed as he walked over to the window, his head leaning against the glass as he watched Lisa step into her car and drive off. The worst part was that he couldn't argue with anything she had said. He had been happier. He'd been excited (and some of that maybe, he had to admit, was due to a certain blue-eyed agent), blood pumping and passionate about a new challenge. New scenery. A different way to help out, a broader way to help out. It would be a job that would make his father proud, and probably his mom too. It was something he was able to do for himself, and he'd let it take over. Somehow, he had let Sam slip off the radar, let Ben live scared, and disappointed Lisa.

The guilt felt like venom coursing through his body. He slinked to the couch and let himself drop into it, the TV still buzzing as background noise. He tilted his head to the side and stared at the empty space that Cas had been in a second ago. A warm glow briefly lit up in his chest and he sighed towards the ceiling.

He might've been a screw up, in more ways than one, and fucked over too many things to ever make up for. But there was still something waiting for him, despite all that.

Despite the guilt turning him towards the rest of the bottle.

He knew he was going.

… … … … … … … … … … … .. .. .. .. .. . . . . . . . . .

Castiel let himself recline in the soft seats of the team jet. Ellen was sleeping on one of the couches, blanket curled around her shoulders while Bobby read some book towards the back of the plane. The paper work had taken forever to complete so their departure time had been shoved back to a strange hour. Charlie and Pamela had opted to stay and take a later flight. Pamela loved Oklahoma and was allowing herself a little down time to roam around. Charlie had more or less decided the same, grouchy at having stayed up so late and just wanting to get to the hotel, no packing necessary. Bobby and Cas usually took the first available time the team could head back (Pamela had once joked that they should start a Workaholics United group), and Ellen, well, she missed her daughter.

He had hoped to fall asleep once they had boarded, praying that exhaustion would take its toll. But, as per usual, when he really needed it, sleep would not come.

His mind was busy replaying the course of events. Cas knew better than anyone that the time after a case was the time to get out of that headspace. To find a way to unwind and relax because the job took a massive mental toll. You took yourself away from the experience and thought about it in the morning when the paperwork sat in front of you and you had to submit a formal copy of the case. But, Cas defended in his head, he wasn't so much focusing on the case (Azazel, Meg, the thousands of people murdered and the drug and people trafficking, the mental toll on Sam, the amount of dead they'd unearthed already at the town...). He was thinking of Dean, warm green eyes, and a cold beer in his hand. How solid and sturdy Dean's arm had felt underneath his hand and how the other man had let Cas' touches linger.

How he had called him a friend.

And how he'd left his place. It hadn't been pertinent to the case, past the basic information, so Castiel had never felt the need to dig very deep into Lisa or Ben. What little he knew of the dynamics between them he'd heard around the Oklahoma City FBI office or snippets that Dean had let slip. The way the man had talked about it had always made it seem like a warm, if not a little complicated relationship. Suddenly, he felt a nudge of guilt underneath his ribs at how close he'd let himself to get to the other agent. Logically, he knew they hadn't done anything but exchange warm touches, and that Lisa and Dean were no longer romantically involved, and had no plans for it. Though he hadn't been worried before, he was now concerned that he'd behaved unprofessionally with Dean. Cas tried not to let his mind settle on that for too long, but he'd taken the plunge already. Cas never did anything in halves so there was no point in regretting the progression of whatever bond was forming between them.

So, instead of worrying too much, he tried to conjure up the memories of whatever private shared moments they'd had since meeting in the hospital so long ago. Every time he tried, Lisa's face swam into view. There had been no malice in it, no anger; just concern, confusion, and perhaps if he tried to force it into the memory, irritation.

But it had felt cold after she had arrived.

Dean seemed to shut down and Cas had taken that as his cue to distance himself. He had assumed that while the case had been going that Dean had been operating his life as per usual. It seemed that it wasn't the case. It didn't quite match what Dean stood for- family- that he'd left them in the dark so far. Perhaps it wasn't that easy though. The agent's little stunts during the case had certainly proven that he was reckless and single-minded when he wanted to be. So, while he'd been sure that Dean had kept in touch with the Braeden's, it was very likely now that he hadn't given them any updates. Her sudden arrival suggested that he hadn't in awhile.

He closed his eyes tightly in pity for the woman. Cas knew protocol well enough that she probably would not have been given information by any of the officers from the case, which meant, that she would've had to have found any updates through the news.

"Need some painkillers?"

Cas opened his eyes to see that sometime in his musings Bobby had moved to sit across from him.

"I'm fine," he replied, straightening out from where he'd been slumped against the window. "Simply thinking."

"Looks more like you were lost in thought," Bobby replied, tucking the bottle of Advil back into his breast pocket.

"Perhaps a little," Castiel admitted with a tired smile.

"And what could possibly be keeping you from a little beauty sleep?"

"Dean Winchester."

Bobby huffed and rolled his eyes, "Oh boy."

"I don't appreciate what you're insinuating," he said, but without any real agitation. Bobby waited for him to continue. "I went to see him before I left."

"Didja now?" Bobby sounded positively amused.

"Simply to say goodbye and update him on his status. He was very distraught about it."

"I'm sure."

Castiel felt his mood lightening as he spoke to his colleague. "I cannot tell a lie."

Bobby huffed, "I'm sure, Mr. President," before turning back to his book.

Feeling more relaxed, Cas watched as the city lights dwindled into the distance and the clouds took over his view.

A/N: Beta'd of course by the lovely AntiNickname. At a convention this weekend so it took a bit to update but here ya'll go!