All things Twilight belong to Stephenie Meyer; I just like to play with her characters.

No copyright infringement is intended.

HUGE thanks to darcysmom, twimom817 and EdwardsMyObsession1971 for all their help and support. I couldn't do this without them!

Never Let Go

Chapter Nineteen

I tried to block from my mind what a gentleman Edward really was, because it hurt too much to think about him. In keeping my distance from him, it hurt us both, and I'd always be sorry for that. Edward held open the passenger door to his car for me and the memories came flooding back. He waited until I was comfortable in my seat and then he closed the door behind me. His car was nice … it still had that new car smell. I wasn't surprised to see that Edward kept it meticulously clean – just like his room. He was a little OCD that way.

"You okay?" He asked as he put the car into gear.

"As okay as I can be, I guess."

"Don't panic, Bella. You'll be okay. I won't leave your side."

I nodded and turned to look out the window as we pulled away from my house – my safe haven. I was quiet all the way to Emmett's house. Edward probably thought I was upset, but I couldn't concentrate on that when I was trying to tamp down my panic. Before I knew it, Edward had parked the car against the curb and was standing in the grass holding the door open for me. He held out his hand and I took it automatically, allowing him to pull me out of his car. He must have seen the worried look on my face.

"Bella … I'm right here."

I nodded and let him take my hand in his as he led us to the front porch.

"Bella!" Boomed Emmett. "Long time no see girl! You look good!"

I did my best to duck behind Edward, using his body as a shield. I had to let go of his hand, but I grasped the back of his shirt.

"Easy, Em. Don't scare her." Edward warned.

"Bella?" Emmett asked a little bit softer.

Edward wrapped his arm around my shoulders and brought me to his side. Emmett held out his arms for a hug, but I flinched back into Edward's arms hiding my face in his shirt.

"Bella? Bella!" Alice cried from somewhere behind me.

I'd know her voice anywhere, but at the moment I wasn't in any position to return her greeting. Edward had wrapped his protective arms around me and was murmuring into my hair that he was right there and that no one was going to hurt me. All I saw were giant hands coming at me and all over me.

"Guys, give her a minute!" Edward shouted.

"Alice …" Edward growled in warning. "Don't. Give. Her. A. Minute. Please!"

My head was reeling, and I could feel the hot tears pouring from my eyes. My body was shaking from anxiety and my sobs. Edward held me tighter to him and continued to murmur into my hair. At some point, he picked me up and carried me over to the loveseat on the porch. I could hear him talking to Emmett, Alice and I assumed, Jasper.

"It was too soon, dude."

"Is she going to be okay?" Emmett asked.

"I hope so. I want her to be." Edward said softly.

"What happened to her?" Alice asked. "This isn't the Bella I remember."

"Please don't talk about me like I'm not here," I sobbed. "I can't help it. Don't you think I want to be the person that you remember? The person who could hang out with her friends and be completely normal?"

"Okay, Bella … let's get out of here. I'm so sorry, ba …. This was a bad idea."

I laid my head against Edward's chest in an attempt to calm myself down. I hated that he couldn't spend a couple hours with his friend before he left to go back to school.

"Let's stay … please?" I whispered.

"Are you sure? You're so upset, Bella."

"I'll be okay. I need to apologize to Emmett."

"No, no … if anyone needs to apologize it's me."

I looked up and I realized that everyone had left us alone on the porch. I was relieved not to have an audience. It was embarrassing enough that not only had I cowered at the sound of Emmett's booming voice, but I flinched away from him when he reached out to touch me.

We sat together on the porch for a few more minutes – Edward rubbing my back gently in an effort to help me calm down. I apologized again and he kissed my forehead and whispered that it was okay.

"We don't have to go in there, Bella."

"We do. You need to hang out with Emmett before he leaves."

"Are you sure? Because we can go."

"I'm sure. Just stay close, okay?"

"Anything you need, Bella."

I stood up from his lap and tried to wipe the last of my tears from my face but Edward was all too eager to do it for me. He wrapped his arms around me once more and kissed me on the forehead again before releasing me and leading me into the house.

Emmett and Jasper sat on the floor playing a video game while Alice sat on the couch flipping through a magazine. It was a scene I'd witnessed a few times before and while it shouldn't have been any different now – it was.

Alice hopped up off the couch and rushed to embrace me. Edward released my hand but held our contact by keeping his hand at the small of my back. It was a comforting gesture that I greatly appreciated.

"I'm sorry, Bella," Alice apologized as we embraced. "I've missed you like crazy."

"I've missed you too, Alice. I know you need answers but I'm not ready to talk about it yet, okay?"

Alice nodded in response.

Before I even thought about telling Alice, I needed to tell Edward. He deserved an explanation before anyone else did.

The guys wanted Edward to join them for a game and he looked at me – his eyes full of understanding if I needed him with me. I waved him off as Alice took my arm and led me to the couch. Edward stole wistful glances at me as Alice filled me in on everything I'd missed at Forks High over the past year. It was hard for me to sit there and talk to Alice. My nerves felt like live wires.

"Everyone's just so worried about you, Bella."

"I'm okay, Alice. I'm obviously a little more skittish than I used to be, but I've earned that right."

My tone was a little biting, but I felt like Alice was pushing me. I knew she wanted to know why I felt I earned the right to be skittish but again – it wasn't a place I wanted to go yet.

Jasper slowly made his way over to sit on the floor in front of the couch. He wasn't far from me, but he wasn't making me uncomfortable. Edward watched with concerned eyes until I couldn't take it anymore. I stood from the couch and went over to where he sat on the floor.

"C'mere." Edward said softly, pulling me to sit down with him between his legs.

I allowed him to tug me down toward him and I settled myself against his chest. He and Emmett were still playing their video game.

"So, are you guys together now?" Emmett asked softly.

I could feel Edward press his lips against my head. I chanced a glance back at him and his expression seemed unsure – like he didn't know what to say.

"Kinda." I answered softly.

"Kinda?" Emmett chuckled. "That's a new one. Either you are or you aren't."

"Emmett …" Edward chided.

"No, Edward, it's okay." I interjected. "We're going to try … but I don't know if I can … it's hard for me."

I sighed and I felt Edward's hand rubbing my arm gently in soothing strokes.

"Bella …" Emmett began. "I'm sorry about whatever happened to you. I don't know what it was, but I'm sorry none the less. You mean a lot to Eddie here, and I'm sorry that I didn't get a chance to get to know you better before, but I know that you're a terrific girl and you didn't deserve anything bad to happen to you."

I pulled my knees up to my chest and laid my head on my knees, covering my face with my arms. Edward moved from rubbing my arm to drawing circles on my back.

"It's not your fault, Emmett. It's none of your faults, but it is what it is. I don't want you to feel sorry for me. Believe me, that's the last thing I want. That's the reason that I've avoided Edward for the past year. I don't want to be looked at with pity. I don't want to be that fragile girl."

"Bella … you avoided me because you didn't want me to feel sorry for you?" Edward murmured against my hair.

"Yes," I sobbed, raising my head. "I also wanted to protect you from knowing the ugly truth because I know it will only make you angry. You've always been my protective lion – and that's fine but I don't want to be the scared little lamb."

"Oh, Bella. You have never been the scared little lamb. You're so much stronger than you know. It's one of the many things I love about you."

"Even now? Now that I can barely go out of my house without freaking out? Now that I can hardly stand for any man to reach out to touch me or come near me? You saw what happened earlier with Emmett. That's not normal, Edward. I'm not normal. Not anymore."

I had to bite my tongue before anything else came flying out of my mouth or I'd be telling Edward things I wasn't ready to.

"Bella …." I heard Alice's soft voice beside me. "We are here for you. We will help you find a new normal. You just need to let us in."

"Baby steps, Alice." Edward murmured. "This was huge getting her out of the house today and it's so far from what I wanted for her."

Edward nudged me to stand up and he followed behind me. He said a brief goodbye to Emmett and asked him to call soon.

"Sure thing, man. Go on and take care of your girl." Emmett said, giving Edward a one armed hug.

"Bella … you take care. If Eddie here gives you any trouble, you call me, okay?"

I smiled slightly at Emmett's words but knew that I'd never have any need to call him.

I gave Alice a quick hug goodbye and waved to Emmett and Jasper one more time before I let Edward lead me to his car. Once I was safely inside, I felt myself relax just a bit.

Edward settled himself in the driver's seat and started the car.

"How are you?"

"I'm okay."

"Bella, I'm so sorry."

I shook my head.

"Don't be sorry, Edward. You tried. It wasn't a complete failure. It got me out of the house. I got to see Alice which I really loved, by the way. I wish I could have been more comfortable, but I can't expect everything to happen all at once."

"This is true. Do you think you'd be up to going to my house? My Dad and Charlie probably aren't home yet either."

"Yeah. But I have one request … would you mind if I lay down for a while? After everything … I feel drained."

"Of course."

He squeezed my hand for a moment before shifting the car into gear and driving us over to his house. As we pulled into the drive, I kept waiting for Rocket to run out to greet us, and I felt a pang of sadness, knowing that he'd never do that again. Edward got him when he was a puppy and now he was gone. I hadn't been there for Edward when he died and the thought made my heart ache.

True to his word, Esme was the only one home. She was in the kitchen rolling out a pie crust.

"Bella! Oh, sweetheart, it's so good to see you. How are you?" Esme asked as she pulled me into her warm embrace.

"I'm good, Esme. Tired."

"Did you have a good time at Emmett's? I bet they were glad to see you. Everyone has missed you so much, sweetheart."

"Mom … Bella's tired. She's going to go upstairs and lay down for a bit."

"Are you feeling okay?" Esme asked.

"Yeah, I feel fine … I'm just overwhelmed. Today was a bit much."

Esme smiled at me sweetly before Edward took my hand and led me up the stairs.

"You can either lay down in the guest room or my room." Edward offered.

"I'd like to lay down in your room if that's okay with you."

Edward smiled.

"That's fine with me, Boo."

EPOV

I felt like such an ass after taking Bella over to Emmett's house. I should have known that it would overwhelm her, but when Charlie suggested it to me the night before I jumped at the chance to get Bella out of the house.

I'd tried to warn Emmett, Jasper and Alice beforehand that Bella wasn't the girl we were used to. After spending the evening with her and seeing how scared she was – my heart broke a little for her. The light she had in her eyes was gone - completely snuffed out by some event that I didn't entirely know about.

Bella was so worried about her reaction to me, and then she realized that there was nothing to worry about after all. She threw herself into my arms and it was the best feeling in the world standing there holding her. She fit in my arms, and I wanted her there always.

When we got to Emmett's he must have forgotten what I'd told him because his voice was as loud as ever as he greeted us. Bella cowered into my side before trying to hide herself behind me completely. I could feel the grip she had on the back on my shirt. I turned and wrapped my arm around her shoulder, bringing her to my side. Emmett approached us with his arms open wide, offering Bella a hug. When it clicked in her brain what he wanted, she panicked and flinched away from him. Bella buried her face in my chest and clung to me as if I were a lifesaver. I couldn't help but wrap my arms around her tightly and murmur over and over again to her that I was there and she was okay.

Then Alice came running at us and it was like a double whammy. Bella didn't flinch from Alice but she didn't move away from my protective embrace. I quickly picked her up in my arms and walked over to sit down on the loveseat on the porch. Bella murmured through broken tears that she didn't want us to talk about her like she wasn't there. Her voice was pained as she declared that she wanted to be the normal person we remembered.

I rubbed her back soothingly as her breathing slowed and her tears ebbed. At that point, I was ready to put her in the car and take her home. I didn't want her to be more uncomfortable than she already was. I could see the pain in her eyes. Pain from whatever she'd gone through and pain from not being able to spend some time with her friends. I quietly told her that we didn't need to go in.

"We do. You need to hang out with Emmett before he leaves."

I asked her if she was sure and told her that it was fine if we left, but she insisted that she would be fine and asked me to stay close to her. I had no objections to that at all.

Once we were inside, Alice was the first person to greet Bella as she pulled her into a hug. I stayed protectively at her side with my hand on the small of her back – keeping the contact so she knew I was there.

Jasper and Emmett beckoned me over to play video games and I was torn over making sure Bella was comfortable or hanging out with my friends. Bella waved me off with a look that told me she'd be okay, and she knew I wouldn't be far. I let Alice lead her away as I went and sat on the floor with the guys.

It didn't take long before Alice was peppering Bella with questions I knew would make her uncomfortable. Emmett and I managed to eliminate Jasper's character and he moved over to lean against the couch next to Alice. I watched Bella with concerned eyes and I saw the worried look on her face. She rose from the couch and walked toward me.

"C'mere." I said softly, pulling her to sit between my legs.

I softly kissed the back of her head as she relaxed into my chest and Emmett and I continued to play. I offered her the controller but she just shook her head, refusing to take it. I glanced over at Emmett and caught him carefully watching us.

"So, are you guys together now?" Emmett asked softly.

I wanted so badly to say yes but knowing that I had told Bella we could go at her pace, I didn't know what to say.

"Kinda." Bella answered softly.

"Kinda?" Emmett chuckled. "That's a new one. Either you are or you aren't."

I groaned and murmured his name in warning.

"No, Edward, it's okay." Bella interjected. "We're going to try … but I don't know if I can … it's hard for me."

Bella sighed, and I rubbed her arm soothingly hoping to calm her. She had stiffened in my arms, and I hated the fact she felt so guarded.

Emmett began to apologize to her and I could feel the storm approaching. I knew from our conversations the night before that Bella didn't want our sorrow or our pity. She needed our strength and our encouragement but first she had to learn to accept it.

Bella continued to tell Emmett that it wasn't his fault nor was it any of our faults. She also reaffirmed what I already knew with the exception as to the real reason she'd spent the better part of a year avoiding me. She wanted to protect me from the truth, and she had to stay away from me to do so.

I questioned her about avoiding me because it hurt, but I needed to know why. I felt a sense of pride when she told me I was her protective lion, but she needed me to tell her how strong she was because she didn't believe it for herself.

She was so strong but so blinded by the fact that she thought a tragic event had broken her.

"Even now? Now that I can barely go out of my house without freaking out? Now that I can hardly stand for any man to reach out to touch me or come near me? You saw what happened earlier with Emmett. That's not normal, Edward. I'm not normal. Not anymore."

I could tell there was more that Bella wanted to say, but she wouldn't allow herself to spill everything. She held her grasp on my shirt and I continued to rub circles across her back.

I looked over at Alice who had come to kneel beside us. Pain was written all over her face and her eyes held the tiniest bit of sorrow as she quietly reminded Bella that we were all there for her to help her find a "new normal". Her thinking followed along the same lines as mine – Bella needed to let us in.

I reminded Alice that we were taking baby steps and it was a huge deal to get Bella out of the house.

After that we said our goodbyes and I got Bella out of there. I knew she'd had about all she could take for one day. Charlie had told me the night before that he'd be out for the entire day fishing with my dad, so I asked Bella if she wanted to go over and visit with my Mom. I reassured her that Charlie probably wasn't home from his fishing trip yet. Surprisingly, Bella acquiesced but she had one request; she was tired and wanted to lie down.

My mom was so excited to see Bella even though she knew it was a possibility that wouldn't be coming over. Mom acted surprised to see her and Bella never suspected a thing. Mom fussed over her for a few minutes, but allowed me to lead Bella up the stairs. I gave her the choice to either lay down in the guest room or my room, and my heart raced as she asked if she could lie down on my bed.

I smiled softly and told her that was fine with me.

Bella quickly used the bathroom across the hall to change into the pair of soft sweats I'd loaned her to lie down in. I cleared all my junk off the bed except for her bear, Baxter, and the pillows.
She smiled when she saw her bear there waiting for her. She took him in her arms and hugged him, inhaling my scent that I'm sure he was saturated with after all the nights that I'd spent clinging to him. Bella lay down on the bed, and I watched her silently from the other side with a small smile on my face as she got comfortable.

"Everything okay?" I asked softly.

"Mmmhmm." She hummed.

"Okay. If you get cold, there's a quilt right here at the bottom of the bed that you can pull up, okay?"

Bella's eyes shot wide open.

"You're not leaving me are you?" She asked in a panic.

"I was just going to go downstairs for a while to let you get some rest, Boo."

Her wide, chocolate eyes filled with tears.

"Please, don't leave me," She begged.

Bella was breaking my heart, and if my staying with her while she rested kept her at ease, then who was I to deny her?

I crawled onto the bed beside her and gathered her up in my arms. She laid her head on my chest right over my heart and once again grabbed a fistful of my shirt to make sure that I wasn't going anywhere.

"Shh … Bella. I'm right here. I won't go anywhere."

We laid together in silence as I felt her breathing level out and her sniffles cease.

"Edward?" she whispered.

"Hmm?" I hummed.

"That day … I didn't know if I'd ever … if I'd ever get to see or talk to you again. I was so scared. I closed my eyes and your face was all I could see. I prayed … prayed that you knew how much I loved and cared for you because I didn't know if I'd get another chance to tell you."

"Oh, Bella." I sighed as I held her tighter to me, my lips barely brushing her temple.

"I love you, Edward. I've loved you longer than I realized and I care so much … but this past year … I really felt that I needed to protect you. I hope you know and understand that."

"I do, Bella. I know, and I love you too. That day I kissed you in Kindergarten – I knew I loved you then and it's only grown stronger. I hope you know that."

"I'm learning, Edward. Sometimes I think you love me so much it's hard for me to grasp, but someday I will."

"That's all I can ask for, Bella."

Baby steps … that's all I could ask for.

The next few weeks, I was busy with the end of baseball season and the end of the school year. Bella seemed to be doing well, although, I didn't see her as much as I would have liked to. She came with Charlie to our home games and even managed to get out of the truck, but she sat with my parents and Charlie in folding chairs because sitting in the bleachers was a bit of a stretch for her. After my game, she'd let me pull her into my arms for a hug. I longed for the day I'd be able to kiss her, but I'd have to let her initiate that. We continued our nightly phone calls, talking every night before bed. It was her sweet voice I fell asleep to every night.

Charlie kept me up on things that I couldn't get Bella to tell me which was very little. He enrolled her in a Driver's Ed. Program in Port Angeles, and he took her every Saturday until she finished the program. He'd drive her around in the evening letting her get her behind the wheel hours under her belt, and just before the school year ended, Bella managed to get her Driver's License. She kept it all from me of course, wanting to surprise me because she knew I'd be proud of her for it.

Bella's license gave her the freedom to leave her house on her own although she was reluctant to use it. Charlie had told her that she could putter around in his old red Chevy truck because it was pretty much indestructible. Bella claimed she'd only need it to go back and forth to Port Angeles twice a week to dance classes she'd managed to start taking again.

Slowly but surely, Alice and Bella fell into a routine and it was Alice who finally convinced Bella to take dance classes. Alice went with her, and I think Bella felt better knowing that someone was with her. She didn't care to go anywhere alone. When Alice and her parents went on vacation for two weeks, I found myself taking Bella back and forth to dance class.

One thing I noticed though, when Bella left the house it was always hard for her to walk out the door and she'd make sure that Charlie was there before she went home.

Bella's fears were always present no matter how hard she tried to hide them.

My birthday fell a few weeks after school let out, and I wanted nothing more than to make up for the birthday I'd missed with Bella the previous year. I asked my parents if we could go to Seattle again and see a baseball game – maybe spend a couple days there. I really wanted to get Bella out of Forks, and I thought she might like spending the day at the aquarium or walking through the Zoo. Being out amongst people was still hard for her, but she tried so hard, and I thought being able to look at things would take her mind from her worries.

My parents readily agreed and made the arrangements with Charlie and for the hotel in Seattle.

"We got the Skybox again, Edward. Would you like to invite Emmett, Jasper, Rosalie and Alice? We could get two more hotel rooms and they could stay overnight with us."

"Mom … let me ask Bella first, okay?"

I wouldn't be able to ask her until later that night, after my shift at Newton's. I did however, call and ask Charlie if it was okay if I stopped by after work. I'd rather ask Bella in person than over the phone, at least then I could look at her beautiful face and know if she was really okay with it or not.

I learned my lesson after that day at Emmett's. I'd never push Bella that far again but I'd make damn sure that I was there to catch her if she fell.

My shift ended at nine p.m., but it was about a quarter after before I pulled out of the parking lot. The porch light was on as was the light in the living room and upstairs in Bella's room. I ran up the walk and knocked softly on the front door. Charlie opened the door and ushered me in.

"Bella's upstairs in her room."

I climbed the stairs and knocked on Bella's closed door.

"Come in," her soft voice floated through the door.

I opened the door to find her curled up in the chair in the corner of her room. She was reading a book and wore a soft smile on her face.

"Hey ..."

"Hey! I wasn't expecting you tonight." She said, jumping up to cross the room.

"I called Charlie at the Mill earlier to make sure it was okay."

"Is everything okay?" She asked concerned. "You don't seem yourself."

"Everything's fine, ba … Bella. It's been a long day and we were really busy at work tonight."

I opened my arms and pulled her into my embrace. I buried my face in her neck, inhaling her sweet scent. It hadn't been that long since she'd showered – her hair was still wet and her skin was tinged pink from the hot water.

"Hey … Edward … what's wrong? You're scaring me a little." Bella murmured as she pulled back from me to look into my eyes.

"I have something I want to ask you."

"Okay …."

"Well … my birthday is in a couple weeks, and my mom asked what I wanted to do for my birthday. Since last year's was shit, I thought we could do something special this year. I suggested going to see the Mariner's play and maybe spending a couple days in Seattle. I want to take you to the Zoo or the Aquarium … 'ya know … to get out of Forks for a couple days."

"Really?" Bella asked, her face lighting up.

It was the first time in forever it seemed that I'd seen her get excited about something. Usually she was very indifferent.

"Really." I nodded. "Would you like that?"

"It's your birthday, slugger. Whatever you want."

"Will you come with me?"

"Your mom and dad are going right?"

"Yeah."

"Have you already talked to my dad about it?"

I grinned sheepishly.

"My mom talked to him before she made the reservations."

"Dad was okay with it?"

I nodded.

"Then I guess I'm going with you to Seattle for your birthday." She grinned.

"Bella … one more thing … We got a Skybox again and I'd like to ask Em, Jazz, Ali and Rose to join us."

She shirked out of my embrace and went to curl up in her chair again. She took a few deep breaths before she spoke again.

"Edward, it's your birthday and I know how much this means to you. I want to be there. I'd like to think I'm getting better at being around people. It's mainly men that bother me so much." She squeezed her eyes shut and took another deep breath and exhaled before continuing. "I'll be okay. I know Emmett and Jasper – I also know deep down that I trust them. I just need to find that trust again."

I sat down on the ottoman in front of her.

"Jesus, babe, you've come so far with that therapy of yours."

She nodded as she fumbled with the hem of her shirt and she looked up at me with teary eyes.

"What's wrong?" I asked softly.

"What did you just call me?"

"I called you Bella."

"No, you didn't."

Suddenly it dawned on me. Babe had slipped from my lips unknowingly. Of course, I'd wanted so many times to call her babe or baby and I'd reeled it in, but this time it slipped out. I thought so many times after her whispered confession the day after she'd come back to me that we'd be able to be more comfortable in expressing how we felt for one another but that wasn't the case. We knew – it wasn't something that needed to be said over and over. I'm sure that we'd eventually get to that point because God knows how many times I wanted to tell her I loved her, but I held back because I knew she wasn't ready. I wasn't sure if she was ready for me to call her babe either, and I watched her carefully with baited breath.

"I'm sorry, Bella." I whispered.

"Don't be sorry, Edward." She whispered as she rose from her chair and settled herself on my lap.

She cupped my face in her hands and closed her eyes for a moment and when she opened them, I was nearly floored with the amount of love I saw in them. Ever so slowly, she leaned in and brushed her lips against mine. The kiss didn't last long, but it left a trail of fire burning behind it.

"You're okay with it?"

"I'm more than okay with it."

"You'll tell me if I say or do something wrong won't you?"

Bella nodded and laid her head on my shoulder.

"I love you, Edward."

I sighed, my heart bursting with love and happiness.

"I love you too, my sweet, sweet girl."

A/N: *sigh* Bella is finding herself again. She's still struggling, but she's getting better. As for Edward, he's got the patience of a saint – but he loves her. We'll find that he will have his struggles just like Bella and he'll be torn between wanting to help her and wanting to protect her.

Because I forgot (sorry it's been a LONG week lol) – thank you all for reading and for the reviews. I do read and appreciate each and every one even if I can't seem to find the time to reply to all of them.

I'm looking forward to getting back to my regular posting schedule, but because of the holidays coming up, posts might be a couple days late. (Don't worry – this story is written up to chapter 29 – it's just a matter of it being beta'd and edited) I'll do my best to get y'all updates. =)

Thoughts?