All things Twilight belong to Stephenie Meyer; I just like to play with her characters.

No copyright infringement is intended.

HUGE thanks to my betas darcysmom and twimom817 and my pre-reader EdwardsMyObsession1971 – these ladies make my writing better and they are just all around awesome.

Never Let Go

Chapter Twenty

I was so worried when Edward came over. He said he needed to ask me about something, and he seemed anxious and a little bit upset. For a brief moment, I worried that he was going to tell me that he was tired of waiting for me to decide how much or how little I wanted to give him. Then he told me that his birthday was coming up in a couple of weeks, which I was already all too aware of, and he wanted to know if I wanted to go to Seattle to watch a Mariners game and the Zoo or Aquarium.

It was so endearing to see him worry about plans for his birthday when all he wanted was to make sure that I was having fun. My heart swelled with love for him. Then he told me that he wanted to invite our friends along, and I could see the anxiety seeping out of him.

While I'd been able to spend quite a bit of time with Alice hanging out and going to dance, I still hadn't been able to manage much time with the guys. For one thing, Emmett had only been home from Seattle for a couple weeks and Jasper was like Edward, busy with school and the end of baseball season. It wasn't like they were sitting around waiting to spend time with me. I didn't want Edward to worry about it. I did my best to reassure him it would be okay.

After seeing Jasper and Emmett for the first time in what seemed like forever, I talked to my therapist about them and my reaction. I flinched away from Emmett more because he had a loud voice and large beefy hands just like my attacker. That's all I could see when he opened his arms to hug me. When I closed my eyes, all I could feel was his hands roughly grabbing at my body. After much discussion, I came to the conclusion that deep down I trusted both Emmett and Jasper. They'd given me no reason not to trust them. Edward had been friends with Jasper nearly as long as he'd been friends with me, and he'd come to my defense against his own sister on several occasions. Emmett I hadn't known as long, but he was good friends with Edward, and I trusted Edward's judgment. My therapist told me that I needed to dig down and find that trust again. She thought that if I was able to find that trust it would be one of the several steps I'd need to take in order to heal completely. The biggest step would be coming clean to Edward and telling him everything that happened.

Baby steps.

I quickly explained to Edward the revelation I'd had in therapy and the smile on his face was as bright as the sun. He crossed the room quickly and sat on the ottoman in front of me.

"Jesus, babe, you've come so far with that therapy of yours."

He was right. I had come pretty far, and it was a good feeling, but not nearly as good of a feeling as hearing him call me babe. My heart stopped for a second before thumping to life again quicker than before. I nodded as I fumbled with the hem of my shirt, and when I looked up at Edward again, tears filled my eyes.

"What's wrong?" Edward asked softly.

"What did you just call me?" I asked in return.

"I called you Bella."

"No, you didn't."

I watched Edward's face as his words sunk in. Realization crossed his face and his brows furrowed. He seemed to battle with himself – so many emotions crossing his handsome face. He finally looked up at me and whispered that he was sorry.

"Don't be sorry, Edward." I whispered as I climbed into his lap, needing to be closer to him.

I took Edward's face in my hands and closed my eyes, relishing in the closeness of him. When I opened them again, I hoped with all I had that he could see the love I wanted to convey to him. I slowly leaned in and gently brushed my lips against his.

I didn't want to tease him by kissing him hard and deep – I wanted it to be just enough to get my feelings across.

"You're okay with it?" Edward asked sheepishly.

"I'm more than okay with it." I smiled.

"You'll tell me if I say or do something wrong won't you?"

I nodded and laid my head on his shoulder.

"I love you, Edward."

Edward sighed softly and gently pressed his lips to my forehead.

"I love you too, my sweet, sweet girl."

A little more than two weeks later, I found myself in the car with Carlisle, Esme, and Edward on our way to Seattle. Esme had planned a long weekend of sorts. We left mid-morning on Friday and we'd arrive early afternoon. We stopped in Port Angeles and had a leisurely lunch before continuing on our way. I was surprised by how comfortable I felt. I had gotten over my fear of Carlisle's touch, although I didn't go out of my way to initiate hugging him when I saw him.

When we got to the ferry, I debated whether or not I wanted to get out of the car.

"I won't leave your side, Bella, I promise. Come on … it's a nice day outside for a change."

Edward was right - it was a beautiful day outside. The sun was shining and sparkled on the water. We ended up joining Carlisle and Esme on the deck. Esme smiled when she saw Edward and I approach them.

"Hey, sweetheart," She smiled. "You doin' okay?"

"I'm great." I smiled back.

"Think you'll be up for some shopping later? We never did get around to that shopping trip we talked about a few months ago."

"Yeah, maybe. My dad gave me his credit card and made me promise to buy myself some new clothes."

Esme smiled again and squeezed my hand, silently letting me know how proud she was of me. I could see it as plainly in her eyes as I could in Edward's.

"Oh hey," Edward said, taking my hand and leading me to the bow of the ferry. "Look."

Just over the Seattle Skyline there was a huge rainbow. Like any little girl, I loved unicorns and rainbows when I was younger, and it was just like Edward to remember. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me against his chest as I stood in awe. In Forks, there was rarely enough sunshine between rain showers to actually see a rainbow. In Monterey you couldn't see them for the fog, and in Las Vegas and Phoenix there was rarely enough rain for the sun to reflect.

My mom always told me when I saw a rainbow I should make a wish on it and the luck of the Irish would make my wish come true.

I closed my eyes and wished for strength. Strength to tell Edward what happened to me and strength to move past it. I could feel the hot tears on my face as I thought of my mom. I missed her, and I thought of her everyday – if only I could get past the ordeal that forced me to move to Forks ahead of schedule.

"Bella … baby, why are you crying?" Edward murmured in my ear.

"I was just thinking of my mom."

I felt his lips on the back of my head and his arms tightened around me.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Good memories that's all."

A couple hours later, we checked into our hotel. Carlisle and Esme reserved a two bedroom suite, knowing that I'd feel more secure if Edward was close by. Outside of my home, Edward became my security blanket. He promised that he didn't mind being whatever I needed him to be, and he reminded me of that on several occasions.

Edward set my bag in the bedroom next to his.

"Is it okay for me to leave my stuff in here? I'm going to sleep on the sofa bed."

"You're not going to sleep in here?"

"I will if you need me to."

"Are your parents okay with that?"

While our sleeping arrangements may not have bothered them when we were younger, we were older now, and I couldn't help but wonder if their views on the subject had changed.

"They'll be fine with it, Bella."

"Are you sure?" I asked, biting my lip.

"Positive. They want you to feel secure, Bella. If it takes me sleeping beside you to achieve that, so be it."

I was thankful Carlisle and Esme were so understanding.

Once we'd settled in, Esme suggested that we do some shopping. Carlisle wanted to take Edward to the batting cages instead of going shopping, and I could tell from Edward's expression that he wanted to go, but he was worried about sending me off shopping with his mom alone.

"I'll be fine, Edward."

"Edward … Son, if Bella needs anything, your mother has my pager number. She can page me and we'll call her back right away."

I was thankful that Carlisle could offer Edward some reassurance. I squeezed his hand gently as we got out of the car when they dropped us off at the mall.

"We'll be back in a couple of hours. You two have fun."

Esme and I went from store to store, chatting and enjoying our afternoon together.

"We should go somewhere nice for dinner and dress up," Esme suggested.

"Oh … umm, that would be nice but I didn't bring anything dressy to wear."

"So … we'll get you something. A nice dress, maybe. Edward will need something to wear too."

I followed Esme into one of the big name department stores where we headed to the men's department first.

"Shopping for Edward is usually easy. We'll get his out of the way so we can focus on you, pretty girl."

Esme winked at me and I froze in place. No one had called me "pretty" since him. It was something I never wanted to hear in reference to myself ever again. Huge tears filled my eyes and I could feel myself begin to tremble.

"Bella … what do you think of this color shirt for Edward?" Esme asked.

When I didn't respond, she called out again.

"Bella?"

"Bella? Sweetheart … my God, what's wrong?" Esme asked as she took me in her arms and held me to her chest.

My sobs were overwhelming. I was still trembling and completely unable to speak. No matter how much I wanted to, I couldn't make my mouth work. Instead, I stood there numbly in Esme's arms as she tried to soothe me.

"Sweetheart … what's wrong? Please talk to me, Bella. Don't panic … I'm right here."

After a few minutes, a salesman came over and asked Esme if there was anything he could do to help. She asked him if he could possibly call us a cab and have it pick us up at the closest exit. He came back moments later and said that he would help us with our bags. Esme held on to me as we walked to the doors to the waiting cab. She helped me in as the salesman put our bags into the trunk. I barely remember Esme telling the cabbie which hotel we were staying in.

When we arrived at the hotel, the bellman met us at the curb and Esme murmured something about bringing up our bags and asking someone to page Dr. Carlisle Cullen as she rattled off his pager number.

"When he calls back, tell him he needs to return to the hotel immediately." Esme instructed.

"Yes, ma'am."

"Come on, Bella. We'll get you upstairs, sweetheart. It's going to be fine. Carlisle and Edward will be here soon."

Esme sat me down with her on the sofa. She managed to pull off my shoes and encouraged me to lay down with my head in her lap. I was still trembling and sobbing, but not as hard as before. I closed my eyes and tried to push away the thoughts of that day. The thoughts of him.

Sometime later, I heard a key fumbling in the door and heavy steps as two sets of feet entered the room.

"Esme, what is it, darling?"

"It's Bella … oh Carlisle, she's breaking my heart." Esme sniffled.

"What's wrong?" Edward asked worriedly as he came to kneel by my side.

"Bella …" Edward whispered as he reached out and stroked my hair softly.

I threw my arms around Edward's shoulders and held on to him with all that I had, my sobs starting anew.

He gathered me up in his arms and sat down on the sofa with me in his lap. His hand drew circles on my back in an attempt to comfort me.

"She's having a panic attack, Son." Carlisle said softly.

"I know."

"Charlie sent her medication with me just in case," Esme murmured. "I had truly hoped there would be no reason to need it."

"No … let me see if I can calm her down first," Edward said adamantly.

"Edward … Son, she needs her meds." Carlisle insisted.

"No! Let. Me. Try. Please?" Edward pleaded. "She doesn't want to be medicated, Dad."

"Has she told you that?"

"She doesn't have to. I can see it in her eyes when she talks about it."

"Carlisle …" Esme pleaded. "Edward knows Bella better than anyone. Probably better than she knows herself. Look, she's already calming down."

My breathing was slowly but surely returning to normal and since Edward pulled me into his arms, my tremors had stopped. The tears, however, were a different story.

"Shhh … Bella." Edward cooed. "You're safe and I'm right here. I need you to calm down and tell me what upset you so much. Do you think you can do that for me?"

I barely nodded my head in agreement before he spoke again.

"I knew that shopping was a bad idea." He grumbled.

"Edward … everything was fine. Bella was having a good time. She picked out some very pre …. Oh, God."

EPOV

I watched as my mom sat down on the sofa, her head in her hands.

"She picked out some what, Mom?"

"Pretty things." Mom whispered.

Bella shuddered in my arms and began to sob again. Her small body starting shaking again, and I drew circles on her back, hoping to soothe her. My gesture was for naught and after a few minutes, I pulled her against my chest and began to rock us back and forth, hoping that she'd feel safe and protected in my arms.

"Sorry, Son. She needs her meds." My father said, crossing the room to where Mom told him he'd find them.

"I'm so sorry, baby." I whispered low so only Bella could hear me.

When Dad returned with the ominous little white pill and held it out to Bella with a little glass of water, Bella began to shake her head.

"No, no, no," She whimpered.

"Dad, please?" I begged.

"I'm sorry, Son. Either she takes this or I'll have to inject it."

"Boo … come on. If you take it, you'll feel better. Please take it."

With a shaking hand, Bella reached up and took the pill from my Dad. Once she'd put it on her tongue, she reached out for the glass and I helped her to steady it and bring it to her lips. She grimaced as she swallowed the bitter pill and returned her head to the crook of my shoulder. We sat for a few more minutes before I felt her begin to relax. Almost an hour had passed by before she relaxed fully and began to snore softly.

I stood up with her in my arms and carried her into the bedroom. My mom followed behind me and pulled down the blankets.

"I'm so sorry, Edward." Mom apologized.

"Don't tell me, Mom … tell her. What were you two doing when this started anyway?"

"We were shopping in the men's department. We'd decided to get something dressy for the two of you so we could go out to a nice dinner tonight."

"But you seem to think it was something you said that triggered this episode?"

Mom nodded sheepishly.

"Charlie warned me. He said there are a few words that she's mentioned to her therapist that she just can't bear to hear. Apparently, Bella asked the therapist to share the list of words with Charlie."

"What? Why didn't I know about this? Bella never said anything."

"I can't imagine that she would, sweetheart. She's trying so hard to be normal again. She's doing so well."

"She was." I nodded. "We'll see after this I guess? God, I hope it's not two steps forward and three steps back."

I pulled the blankets up over Bella and leaned down to kiss her temple. She was completely out of it.

I motioned for Mom to leave the room and I followed closely behind her, but only with the intention of talking to my parents for a few moments before I returned to Bella. I wouldn't leave her alone – I couldn't.

"So what word triggered it, Esme?" Dad asked.

Mom wiped a few fresh tears from her eyes and looked up at me.

"The only thing I can think of is pretty. I'm quite sure that was on Charlie's "list". I'm so sorry, Edward. I wasn't thinking."

I sighed and pinched my nose trying to fend off the tension headache I felt coming on.

"You can't remember everything, Mom. My question is why would that particular word bother her?"

"I don't know, Edward. Charlie doesn't know either. Sweetheart, remember that Charlie is as in the dark as we are where Bella is concerned. She hasn't told him everything that happened in Phoenix either. He only knows what Phil has told him and bits and pieces from Bella."

"Maybe we've been wrong not to push her," Dad suggested.

"No … we can't push her, Dad. She needs to tell us what happened on her own – without any pressure. Otherwise, we risk her shutting down and pushing us all away. That's the last thing she needs."

I did know however, that I needed Bella to tell me why one little word could send her so far over the edge. I stood from the sofa and told my parents I was going back in to be with Bella.

"If she wakes up, she'll need to know that I'm there with her."

"She'll probably sleep for a couple hours, son."

"I know, but if she has a nightmare or something … I don't know. I don't want to chance it."

My mom looked up at me – her expression a mixture of sadness and pride.

"We'll order room service whenever Bella gets up, sweetheart. I'm sure she'll be in no mood to leave the room, but she'll need to eat."

I nodded and turned back to the hall. I opened the door quietly and saw that Bella was still sound asleep on the bed where I'd left her. I kicked off my shoes and figured that I should probably get comfortable because it would more than likely be a long night. I decided to shower quickly before laying down beside Bella and when I did it seemed like she relaxed a bit more in her sleep. Maybe it was my imagination.

I wanted so badly to pull her in to my arms – her back to my chest and hold her to me as she slept, but I knew I couldn't do that. I made her a promise that I'd be whatever she needed on her terms. I didn't want to take the chance of scaring her so I laid down facing her and watching her as she slept. She seemed so peaceful on the outside, but I'm sure on the inside she was anything but.

Twilight gave way to darkness, and I had barely closed my eyes when I felt Bella begin to stir beside me. My eyes jerked open to find her grasping at the sheets around her.

"Bella … Bella … wake up, baby." I murmured softly.

"Edward …." She whimpered. "Please don't leave me … please … I'll tell you everything, just please don't leave."

Her plea was heartbreaking and I realized that she must have been dreaming.

"Bella, baby, wake up … please? I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere."

I gently laid my hand on her arm and her eyes flew wide open, a gasp crossing her lips.

"Oh, God! Edward!"

Bella scooted closer to me, throwing her arms around me as I pulled her into my embrace.

"Shh … Bella. I'm right here. I'm right here." I assured her.

She began to sob again and I tightened my hold on her.

"Please don't cry, babe. Tell me what I can do."

"Just hold me," She hiccupped.

We lay together for several minutes as her sobs quieted. I gently rubbed her back knowing that it helped to calm her.

"Bella?"

"Hmm?"

"You were talking in your sleep … you begged me not to leave."

She groaned and buried her face in my chest.

"I won't leave you," I whispered. "Ever. But you do need to let me in. You said you'd tell me everything and then begged me not to leave. I don't want to use your dreams against you, Bella, but I need to understand what happened today."

She raised her head and looked at me – the look on her face so pained but she nodded. Pulling out of my embrace she sat up and tugged my arm, silently asking me to do the same.

Her voice was small and broken when she finally spoke.

"Your mom and I were shopping. Everything was fine until … she said a word that I … I haven't heard since he said it to me. It's like … like a dirty word. It makes me feel dirty, and when I heard it, all I could think of was how it felt."

"How what felt?"

"How I felt. That day … when he … when he …" She hiccupped again and threw herself into my arms, nearly knocking me over.

She curled up in my lap and sobbed softly into my chest.

"It … it was awful, Edward. There are certain things that will trigger a memory; certain words. He … he called me a "pretty little thing" before he … before he …."

"Shhh … shhh, Bella. It's okay. You don't have to tell me anymore. I can fill in the blanks pretty well without you getting more upset, okay?"

"'Kay." Bella sniffled. "I just want you to know that I will tell you everything. I just need a little more time."

"I know you will, baby. You take all the time you need because I'm not going anywhere."

We sat for a few more minutes before I suggested that she might feel better after a shower. She nodded, and I helped her up from the bed. She grabbed what she needed and went into the bathroom.

While Bella was in the shower, I stepped out into the main room to let my parents know that Bella was up and about. They apologized for eating dinner without us, but they had gotten hungry and figured we could order food when Bella woke up.

"How is she, sweetheart?"

"She's okay … or she will be."

"Did she tell you what triggered it?"

I nodded.

"She did. It's exactly what you thought. A stupid, little insignificant word rattled her to the bone."

"Why did it upset her so much? Did she say?"

"Yeah." I sighed. "I mean, she didn't give me a lot of details, but I'm starting to piece the puzzle together."

"What do you mean, sweetheart?"

"Bella was assaulted, Mom. Like … sexually assaulted."

Mom gasped audibly and immediately covered her mouth with her hand, tears filling her eyes.

"No … oh God, that poor baby girl."

"Now, now … I think you are jumping the gun, Son. Did Bella tell you she was sexually assaulted?"

"She didn't have to, Dad. I saw it all over her face. It makes sense. She flinched away from Jazz and Emmett. She's careful around you and she didn't used to be. She's leery of men and the puzzle just fits."

"Don't assume anything until she tells you otherwise, Son."

"You know something don't you?"

"Son … I'm a physician. I was there in Phoenix when Bella was in the hospital. Charlie signed me over as her doctor. While I don't know the circumstances that led up to what happened to Bella, I know what did and didn't happen to her medically. As much as I'd like to ease your mind, Son, I can't do that but I can tell you not to let your imagination run away with you."

"He's right, Edward." Bella said softly. "My reality was not what you're probably thinking it was but I promise you that it was just as disturbing."

A/N: Poor Bella =( Poor Edward =( She wants so badly to be normal again and he's still so patient in wanting to help her get there. She's trying so hard to take those baby steps and she can't help but be a little shaky in making them.

Thoughts?