All things Twilight belong to Stephenie Meyer; I just like to play with her characters.
No copyright infringement is intended.
Many thanks to darcysmom, twimom817 and EdwardsMyObsession1971 for their unending support and time they give.
NOTE: Sorry again for the delay in posting – hopefully we'll find an editing groove and be able to update weekly again. This update is NOT beta'd – so all mistakes are mine. I've had a LOT of reviews telling me how much y'all love Edward, and I hate to disappoint BUT this chappie is about Bella finding her footing again, so I'll let you get to it.
Never Let Go
Chapter Twenty Two
Shortly after we returned to Forks following Edward's birthday, Edward and Jasper left for baseball camp in California for six weeks. I was dreading it but I hated to admit that to Edward. I knew how badly he wanted to go and how much it meant to him. Dad had told me that scouts were already out looking at Edward because he was such a talented ball player.
"Bella … just tell me you don't want me to go and I'll stay."
"Edward, you can't stay. You need to go. I won't be the reason you stay."
"Bella …." He whined.
"I'll be fine, Edward. I promise. I've got Alice and Emmett – they promised they'd be here if I needed anything.
"You call me if you need me and I'll come right home." Edward whispered as he leaned against my forehead, his green eyes burning into me.
"Okay."
I kissed him softly on the lips as he released his hold on me and climbed into the back of Carlisle's Mercedes.
"Call me when you get there."
"I will, Boo. Love you."
"Love you too, Edward."
It was so hard to tell him goodbye but I had other things to think about. Dad was really getting on my back about contacting the volleyball coach at Forks High. Apparently, he'd seen tapes of me playing in Phoenix and he was interested in seeing what I could do. It took me a while to muster up the courage to call him and he asked me if I could come over to the school gym one afternoon about a half hour before practice started. Not wanting to go to the school by myself, I called Emmett to see if he'd mind going with me.
I explained that I needed him to go with me and Emmett didn't hesitate to tell me yes. Sure, I could have asked Alice, but I knew that she would be at work until at least four.
Emmett kept his hand at the small of my back as we walked through the doors that led into the gym. There were a couple girls at one end of the gym tossing a ball back and forth with each other as the coach looked on from his spot on the bleachers. As Emmett and I crossed the room, he looked up and smiled.
"Ahh ... you must be Bella. I'm Coach Bishop. How are you?"
"I'm good," I said.
He offered his hand to shake mine, but I couldn't bring myself to take it.
"Sorry." I offered lamely.
"That's okay, Bella. I talked to your dad and he explained your issues to me a little bit. I don't want to make you uncomfortable, I just want to see what you can do on the court. I assume this is your boyfriend you've brought along with you?"
"Ehh, no. This is my friend, Emmett. My boyfriend is away at baseball camp for the next few weeks."
"Are you going to be staying, Emmett?" Coach Bishop asked.
"Yep … I'll be hanging out as long as Bella needs me to, Sir."
"Good man. All right, Bella, let's get started and see what you've got."
I started by warming up and running a few laps around the gym. Emmett joined me saying that it was nice for him to get the exercise.
"Bella … are you sure you stretched those muscles enough? You haven't used them in a while so they're not as limber as they were over a year ago."
I know that Emmett meant well and when I thought about it, he was right. I really did need to take the time to stretch and make sure that my body was ready to play or I could really hurt myself. I sat next to Emmett on the floor and stretched some more not saying a word to Emmett.
"I don't mean to be a stickler Bella, but if you hurt yourself and Edward found out, he'd have my ass before I could say my own name."
"Emmett … Edward can't protect me from everything. Bumps and bruises are bound to happen. He knows that."
Coach called me over and I turned and gave Emmett an apologetic look before I ran over toward Coach Bishop. He invited a couple other girls over to work with me and we introduced ourselves to each other. I looked back a few times to find Emmett watching me with a grin on his face. We ran some drills and practiced setting and spiking. Then Coach asked me if I could show him my serve. As I took my stance on the court, a thousand memories flooded my mind. I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to bring a picture of Edward to the front of my mind. I tried to remember the velvety tenor of his voice and let the sound of it wash over and relax me. I took a deep breath as I raised my left hand with the ball in front of me and brought my right hand back. My hand made contact with the ball and I watched as it sailed smoothly over the net.
"Excellent serve, Bella!" Coach Bishop praised. "You definitely have some talent there. I'd love for you to join the Varsity team if you think you can handle it."
I knitted my hands together and kept my eyes down.
"Bella? You okay?" I heard Emmett ask softly as he approached us.
"Emmett, I was just telling Bella we'd love to have her join us on the Varsity team if she thinks she can handle it."
"Bellaboo, that's awesome!"
I looked up to see smiles on both Emmett and Coach Bishop's faces.
"I'd love to play, but I don't know how well I could handle it."
"Bella, all the girls on my team are friends first and teammates second. We support each other. Without a strong foundation we can't play as a team. Now I'm not suggesting you come to practice the first day and pour your heart out. All I'm saying is to let these girls in – let them support you and help you when you need it. They're not here to hurt you. Should you ever feel threatened you come straight to me. Got it?"
I nodded.
"Good. Now I'm sure this has been a lot for you today. I want you to do some cool down stretches and head on home to get some rest. Practice officially starts next week and the first week of August there will be a volleyball camp that everyone attends at UDub. I'll drop the information for that by the Mill for your dad to look over okay?"
"Yup."
I walked with Emmett over to the side of the gym where I sat and did some more stretches.
"You looked damn good out there, Bellaboo. Eddie said you were a good volleyball player. He'll be really proud of you when he hears what you did today."
"Yeah?"
"Definitely. You're going to call him and tell him right?"
"I don't know. Maybe."
I don't know why I wanted to play down the fact that I couldn't wait to get home to call Edward. He'd only been gone for a week and a half and I missed him more than I could imagine. I resorted back to writing him letters every day since we weren't allowed to talk on the phone every night. It made me realize how much I'd come to depend on him and I hated it. When I looked back on the year that Edward and I didn't speak – I wondered how I ever got through it.
"Em … would you mind taking me over to the Cullen's?"
"Sure, Bella. Want to spend some time with Esme?"
"Yeah. I haven't seen her since Edward left for camp. I miss her."
We pulled up in the Cullen's driveway and I walked through the open garage toward the door that led to the kitchen.
"Aren't you going to the front door, Bella?"
"Nah … I always go in through the garage door. Carlisle and Esme don't mind."
They truly didn't mind. I had spoken to Esme earlier that morning and asked if I could stop by after I met with the volleyball coach. Esme insisted that I come over.
"Hey, Bella?"
"Yeah, Em?"
"Do you think Charlie would mind picking you up? I'd stay but Rosie wants me to have dinner with her and her parents."
"Oh gosh, no, Em. Go on and do what you have to do. Don't worry about me. My dad will pick me up or Carlisle and Esme will take me home. It's not a big deal, I promise."
"Are you sure? Because …."
"Em! No! Go on, it's fine." I giggled.
I knocked on the door and Esme opened it, greeting me with a smile.
"Hey, sweetheart."
"Hi, Esme."
We waved goodbye to Emmett as he drove away from the house.
"Come on in, Bella. I was just thinking about starting dinner."
"Have you heard from Edward?" I asked.
"Not today. I talked to him the day before yesterday. He seems happy – camp is going well for them. Have you heard from him?"
"No, I talked to him the day before yesterday as well."
"How are you doing, Bella?"
"I'm doing okay. I went to try out for the volleyball team at Forks High today."
"You did? That's fantastic, sweetheart! I'm so proud of you. Is that why Emmett was with you?"
"Yeah. I'm just not ready to be out by myself yet. Having Emmett there made it a little bit easier but I still miss Edward like crazy."
"I miss him too, honey. But this is good for you two. You need to gain a little bit of independence and Edward needs to let you breathe. Do you think you could have survived today if Emmett wasn't there?"
I felt a sob catch in my throat and I had to swallow it down.
"No," I whispered. "Coach reached out to shake my hand and I almost panicked. If Emmett hadn't been there … I'm not sure what I would have done."
I sniffled and attempted to wipe away my tears as Esme handed me a Kleenex.
"It's okay, Bella." Esme reassured me.
"It seems so silly. I mean he just wanted to shake my hand for crying out loud. At least I didn't need Emmett to hold my hand or hold me upright. Just knowing that he was there - next to me, helped. Then when I was tossing the ball around with the other girls, I kept looking over at the bleachers to make sure he was there."
"It's not silly, sweetheart. If all it takes is a little reassurance – we are glad to provide it. Your peace of mind is the most important thing right now, Bella."
I nodded as she pulled me into her arms for a hug.
"Now … how about you and I get some dinner started and then we can watch a movie?"
An hour later, we slid the casserole into the oven and carried two glasses of cold milk and a tray of fresh chocolate chip cookies into the living room.
Esme picked out a movie and pushed it into the VCR just as the phone rang.
"Can you get that please, Bella?"
I picked up the phone.
"Hello?"
"Bella? What are you doing at my house? Are you okay?"
"Edward! I'm fine, don't worry. I was out with Emmett this afternoon and I had him drop me off here. Your mom and I were just getting ready to watch a movie."
"As long as you're okay, baby, I don't care if you're at my house or yours. I actually just tried calling your house and no one answered. I guess you being at my house would explain why."
"Yes it would, Slugger." I giggled. "How's camp?"
"It's awesome but I miss you like crazy. I hate that I can't talk to you every day. Jazz and I are both going a little nuts. He can't talk to Alice, I can't talk to you … we're a mess."
"Oh, Edward …." My heart fell at the thought of them missing us so much.
"We'll be okay, baby. We've made it longer without talking to each other right?"
"Yeah," I sniffled.
"Oh … Bella, I didn't mean that in a bad way. Please don't cry. It will only make me feel worse knowing that you're crying and I'm not there to wipe away your tears."
"I'm sorry, Edward. I'm sorry that I pushed you away for so long."
"Don't be sorry, baby. You've already apologized and you're more than forgiven, okay?"
"'Kay."
"So what else is going on? Anything exciting that I should know about?"
"Umm … well, I kinda went and tried out for the Forks High Varsity Volleyball team today."
"You did? Baby … that's awesome! I know Charlie wanted you to do it, but I didn't know if you'd actually make the call and go or not. I'm so proud of you."
"I didn't go alone. I asked Emmett to go with me. I'm glad I did. I don't think I would have made it if he hadn't been there with me."
"Did you panic?"
"A little. Coach tried to shake my hand."
"Oh God. I'm glad you took Em with you then. But everything else went okay?"
"Yeah. Coach offered me a spot on the Varsity team. Practice starts next week and then there is a camp the first week in August at UDub. I don't know how that will work, but I guess we'll see, huh?"
"I guess so. That's the week Jazz and I come home, I think. Maybe you can meet us at the airport."
"Maybe. Let me see if I can make it to volleyball camp first."
Edward and I chatted for a few more minutes before I handed the phone over to Esme. I knew she was as eager to talk to Edward as I was. After I gave her the phone, I walked up the stairs and into Edward's bedroom. His scent saturated the air and I breathed it in deeply and let it envelope me. Baxter, my bear was still sitting on his bed, so I picked him up and hugged him to my chest. I carefully lay down in the middle of Edward's bed and closed my eyes.
"Bella?" Esme called. "Bella?"
"Hold on, sweetheart. I'm sure she hasn't disappeared. It's only been a few minutes. I bet she's up in your room."
"Bella?" Esme murmured into my ear as she rubbed my arm.
"Edward … calm down, sweetheart. Bella's right here. She's in your room, sound asleep on your bed with her bear."
My eyes fluttered open and Esme was sitting next to me with the phone to her ear.
"Bella … sweetheart, Edward wants to talk to you again before he has to hang up."
"Oh gosh, I'm sorry, Esme. I only wanted to come up and get my bear."
"It's okay, honey. Talk to Edward."
I took the phone from her and smiled.
"Bella? Are you okay?"
"Yes, worry wart. I'm fine. I came up to get Baxter and your bed just looked so comfy. I only meant to lie down for a minute."
"It's okay, Bella. If you want to, go back to sleep. I'll feel better knowing you're in my bed."
I blushed and was so thankful that Edward couldn't be there to see it.
"Edward?"
"Hmm?"
"Can I borrow one of your sweatshirts?"
"Sure, baby. Take whatever you want."
We spoke for a few more minutes until Esme called up saying Carlisle and my Dad were there and dinner was ready. We said our final goodbye and I promised to write him a letter as soon as I got home. I pulled a sweatshirt out of his closet and a t-shirt out of his drawer and set them at the foot of the bed so I could grab them later to take home with me. If I couldn't have Edward with me for the next four weeks, at least I could have his clothes.
The following Monday, Volleyball practice started. It was every day from two until four. It worked out perfectly with my dance schedule. Emmett volunteered to come with me to practice until I felt that he didn't need to be there anymore. It was nice to see a smiling face sitting in the stands although I'm sure it wasn't the first place in the world he wanted to be.
"Bella … it's okay, really. I don't mind being here."
"Emmett, I'm sure you have other things to do."
"Not really," He chuckled. "Rosie's at work, the guys are gone. Without you to follow to volleyball practice I'd be sitting at home watching soap operas and eating Cheetos."
"Do you even like Cheetos?" I giggled.
"Not really. See? You really are saving me from myself, Bellaboo!"
Eventually, Coach made use of Emmett since he didn't have anything else to do. Emmett didn't seem to mind.
On Tuesdays and Thursdays, Alice would meet me at the gym after she got off work and I was done with practice and we'd ride together to Port Angeles for our dance class. It was nice to have the time to catch up with her on the drive there and the drive back.
"How does it feel to be sort of back to doing normal things?" Alice asked.
"Normal as in Volleyball and dance?"
"Yeah. That's got to make you feel a little better right?"
"Yeah, I guess. I'm finding a new normal. It feels weird that I'm doing these things here and not in Phoenix."
"I'm sure. Are you nervous about school starting?"
"Yeah. I always hated starting a new school. That was the worst part about my mom wanting to move around. I always felt like I was in a fishbowl and everyone was watching me. Now I'm really going to feel that way not only because I'm the new kid but because of what happened."
Alice nodded.
"You know, Bella. You're not really a new kid and no one knows exactly what happened except you and the select few that you have shared it with. Everyone that goes to Forks High is pretty much everyone that went to Forks Elementary with you all those years ago. Sure, a few people have moved but a lot of the people you once knew are still here. In fact, there are quite a few people who still ask about you."
"Really? Like who?"
"Mike Newton." Alice giggled.
"Oh gosh, Alice! I'm sure Edward LOVES that."
"Uh huh! Drives him craaazy! But only because Edward knows that you hate the attention."
For the few hours that I spent in the car with Alice every week, I truly felt normal. I didn't have to worry about someone I didn't know or trust reaching out to touch me. It was going home that was hard. I still fought to make my way to the front door and every day I'd chicken out and go to the kitchen door. That was still hard but much easier than the front.
Dad continued to take me to my therapist every other Saturday. She was happy to hear that I'd taken up Volleyball again and that I was starting to leave the house more. She was ecstatic to hear that I'd made up with Emmett and asked him to come with me to Volleyball. Thankfully, she saw nothing wrong with my need of having someone with me at practice.
"The need to have someone there will lessen with time as you gain trust and confidence in yourself, your teammates and your Coach. Those things take time because they're earned not freely given away."
I nodded.
"How are you doing with Edward being away?"
"Okay. I miss him, but I write him letters every day and I get to talk to him occasionally."
"Good. Have you been able to tell him anything else about what happened?"
I shook my head no.
"Bella … do you think that if you wrote what happened to you in a letter to him it would be easier?"
I shook my head no again.
"No …" I breathed. "It would make it even more real to see it on paper. I know it was real because I was there, but to have it on paper would make it true, I guess?" I asked with a sniffle. "I … I … still have a fear of reliving those moments. In telling him I'd have to see the images in my mind and I've done so well to push them away that I don't want to bring them back. I know I need to tell him, I do … I just … can't. Not now."
"Why not now?"
"Because I've just started volleyball again and I'm rebuilding the confidence I had in myself when I played in Phoenix. I feel like I'm finally finding myself again. I've spent so much time drowning that now I feel like I'm actually treading water. I'm not fully swimming yet, but I know I'll get there. School starts again right after Labor Day and I'm nervous about starting at a new school. I really just want to get all that out of the way so it's one less thing that I have to worry about. Because balancing school, volleyball and dance is nothing compared to what happened in Phoenix. Once I get the little things out of the way, I hope I'll be able to tackle the big things. Does that make sense?"
My therapist nodded.
"It does, Bella. However, I'd like you to set a goal, because there will always be an excuse as to why you can't come clean. It doesn't have to be next month or even next year. Think about it and see what you come up with, okay?"
I wasn't eager to think about a goal. Who wants to force themselves to think about something that awful let alone think about telling it to someone you want to protect from all the ugliness. I knew that Felix Anderson had been put in prison and I knew that he'd never find me to attempt to harm me again.
When I got home from my therapy session, I felt emotionally raw and exhausted. I lay down on my bed and hugged Edward's sweatshirt to my chest. It was starting to lose his scent and it seemed like three weeks couldn't go by fast enough.
A/N: So Bella is making a little headway – that's a good thing. She's taking baby steps and reaching out to do things even if she needs the support from her family and friends. We all need a little reassurance sometimes. =) Edward will be back in the next chapter!
Thoughts?
I hope everyone has a happy and healthy 2014! Happy New Year!