Chapter eighteen – from Answers to lies

Allen stared deep into Kanda's unflinching eyes, trying with all his might to muster up a witty retort or perhaps a valid excuse. Something, anything, to dim that roaring fire in he saw behind his friend's stubborn expression that demanded answers, answers Allen was not yet prepared to give.

Behind Kanda he saw Lenalee and Lavi standing uncertainly in the door. Their faces showed that they clearly did not endorse Kanda's information gathering methods but they didn't seem ready to protest, curiosity clear in their eyes.

This made for a very awkward situation for Allen seeing as how his head still hadn't completely stopped pounding away at him and the vivid nightmarish memory was still fresh in his mind. Lies rushed through his head faster than he could think them up.

Allen opened his mouth, met Kanda's eyes and immediately shut it again.

Long hair an unusual mess and darkly tinted eyes narrowed into a fierce glare, he made for quite a strangely attractive sight, although if quoted Allen would deny those words ever floated across his mind.

Soft steps echoing on the room's floor signalled Lenalee and Lavi's approach as the duet joined Kanda by Allen's bed, both looking abnormally serious and even a little worried. Lavi's only visible eye gleamed with question, an inquisitive air that so very much suited his observant attitude.

Lenalee's kind face was creased with concern and Allen noticed with a slight incline of his eyebrow that her eyes was raking over him with the kind of attention to detail a nurse may give a seizure patient, clearly more concerned for his current wellbeing than his past wellbeing.

Allen's hand tightened around the bed cover. These were his precious few friends, and he'd do anything to keep them. Even Kanda. Especially Kanda, something at the back of his mind whispered but he stubbornly shoved those irrelevant thoughts away.

He didn't want to lose them. Not when he'd finally had the chance to realise just what friendship was. Soppy though it may seem, they meant a lot to him.

Anything for them.

Anything but that.

All though he knew he tended to be thick and stubborn when it came to the events of his past, even he wasn't dumb enough to keep believing his silence was for the better. The days of denying that they were in danger had passed, and he was beginning to see that just their being acquainted to him was a risk in itself.

Simply put, he knew he was being unreasonable and selfish by refusing to talk about bygone days. His obstinacy was going to get all of his pre-mention precious friends in danger, and even now as he admitted this to himself he couldn't quite will himself to tell them.

He was sure there were people who were worse off than him and horrible though his history was, that didn't necessarily give him the right to act like an attention seeking little prick. Not that he was attention seeking, rather the opposite, actually, but he could understand how it may look.

He was a coward. He just couldn't bring himself to man up and speak about it.

He looked up at his friend's captivated expressions and felt his pounding heart shrink and then sink. They looked so expectant that it was difficult to meet their eyes.

Licking his dry lips Allen averted his gaze. "Listen," He began to say but cut himself off with mortification when he realized his voice was little more than a shaking, dry croak. Clearing his throat he tried again.

"Listen… It's – It's not like I'm keeping secrets on purpose or anything… It's r-rather more like…"

The feeling of Kanda's glare was so fierce that Allen's voice trailed off weakly. Breathing deeply he looked up uncertainly and tried to continue.

"It's more like I can't. Not that I don't want to," He added hastily when Kanda opened his mouth angrily to chew him out, "I can't. It's well… I guess you'd say I'm… I'm not really brave enough."

He saw the puzzled look on Lavi's face and gave a small smile. "I know you guys are always saying I'm brave and all… But I'm really not." He gave a fake chuckle. "I can't even dream about it without ending up like this."

Allen gestured down at his hunched form huddled up in the bed before looking up again. "I know I should tell you, I really should… Really, really should… but I'm just not courageous enough."

It was silent for a moment after Allen's confession as each of his respective friends mulled it over. Kanda's face was impossible to read beyond the dark aura that floated around it. "Che. Coward."

"Yu-chan!" Lavi scolded. "Be a little more sensitive!"

"Why?" The long haired teen snapped back. "Because he's to fucking scared to talk about it?"

"Exactly!" Lavi retorted.

Allen winced. He wasn't sure Lavi's agreement was a compliment…

"Che." Kanda tore his gaze and looked scornfully at the diminutive form of Allen. "I can't even look at you." He growled but for some reason his harsh words didn't feel as stinging as they normally did. Rather, they lacked the deadly venom.

Kanda turned around to leave the room, ignoring Lenalee's reprimand. As the duo scampered after Kanda, Allen mustered up the nerve to call out, "Be careful…"

Kanda briefly paused but didn't even turn around before striding out of the room.

Lavi tossed him a grin. "Don't worry Allen-chan! The bad guys won't lay a finger on me!"

Lenalee gave an exasperated sigh at Lavi before giving Allen a smile reassuring smile and bustling Lavi out of the room so he could 'rest'.

The door closed behind them and Allen flopped down on his pillows with one arm over his face.

Really, this whole thing was getting out of hand. He needed to work on his cowardice. He couldn't let this whole ignorance is bliss thing continue much longer with his friends.

"Ignorance isn't bliss," He muttered beneath his arm, "It's torture."

oOo_oOo_oOo

Kanda ended up spending the rest of the night sleeping on the spare bed in Lavi's room. Although, he supposed seeing as how he hadn't even really closed his eyes all night it could hardly be called 'sleeping'.

Lavi himself spent the first fifteen minutes talking a mile an hour with all the vigour of a figure of authority before his fatigue took effect and he simply slumped back onto his pillows and was out like a light, much to Kanda's envy.

How could he himself sleep when yet another attempt to pry information from Allen's tightly clammed lips failed? It wasn't that he was concerned or anything, nothing like that. It was more like he felt that Allen's personal refusal to share with them the information of his past was starting to leak into their own lives too.

Like it needed to be resolved for all their sakes. And god be damned, he would resolve it. Even if it meant Allen lost all that hair in the process.

Mysteries were always a sore point with Kanda. It wasn't that he liked to solve them. More like he hated them. But he couldn't deny there was lure in trying your hardest to decode them before they drove you insane. And frankly, the Moyashi was the biggest mystery Kanda had encountered in a while.

Birds were chirping outside the window and light was seeping in through the half closed curtains. A brief look at the clock on the opposite side of the room told him it was just past seven in the morning.

No school today… Kanda thought briefly as he sat up and flexed his arms.

Lavi was still sleeping – go figure. Kanda grimaced. Despite feeling like he couldn't very well head back to his own room, he was in loath to go down for breakfast wearing the same clothes he'd slept in. It was just unhygienic and made his nose wrinkle at the thought.

Slowly pulling himself off the bed he ran a hand through his messy hair and scowled as the hair tie came loose. Without the aid of the mirror he tossed it right back up into its usual ponytail. One of these days he should really consider a haircut…

The second the thought crossed his mind he shivered. Though he'd never admit it, he actually rather liked his hair long. Short hair was just not his thing.

Tightening the ponytail he ghosted across the room silently. It wasn't for Lavi's sake. He just didn't want to have to deal with him awake when there was an otherwise option. And besides, if that idiot woke up he would probably insist on coming with him back to his room so he could check on Allen and Kanda honestly did not want that right now.

The door opened quietly and he shut it was just as much noiselessness before starting off down the hall. This early in the morning he didn't pass any students. Which was better for them, considering he'd decided the lack of sleep had put him in a foul mood.

The door to his room was closed but thankfully not locked when he reached it. Pushing down on the handle he silently stepped in, careful not to wake Allen.

But, much to his surprise, the room was empty. Both beds were neatly made and the curtains were wide open allowing sunlight to filter in. Kanda frowned darkly and walked quickly over to the bathroom to find it vacant. The Moyashi must be down at breakfast already. Letting out an irate sigh, he pulled some clothes from the closet and began getting dressed.

oOo_oOo_oOo

The cafeteria had been – as Allen expected – completely empty when he'd descended the dorm stairs to it. Only Jerry had been working behind the counter and was almost disappointed when Allen simply asked for a stack of dry toast.

He'd been sitting in a corner munching on that toast for a good half an hour now, trying to work his nerve up. Lack of sleep meant his eyes were darkly rimmed and the serious thinking he'd been doing all night long had left his skin pale and drawn.

Allen was aware that he looked like shite. He supposed it was probably too late to think of it by now, but he'd decided he was going to spend the day in town. Alone. Waiting for someone from NOAH.

Throat clamping up, Allen forced down the last bite of toast. Scary though the thought may be, Allen had spent a good majority of his life mastering the art of unseen movement. Silence was a strong point. It was much easier to avoid unwanted attention if you learnt how best to hide.

He hadn't been the only one. It'd been a popular thing way back when his life was hell. A slightly elder 'resident' had taught them all about it.

Finishing off his toast Allen tossed the crumb strewn napkin into a nearby bin and got to his feet.

"Mmmmmh…. Heading out dear?" Jerry called over from behind the counter as Allen made for the door leading from the cafeteria to the school grounds.

Allen forced a grin. "Yeah. Something like that." He answer vaguely.

Jerry frowned with motherly concern. "It's so early though," He fretted, "And are you going alone? What up Lenalee and the others?"

Allen shrugged nonchalantly. "I'll meet up with them later…" He lied before pushing open the door and stepping outside and putting an end to all other question Jerry may be about to ask him. It'd taken all night to work up the nerve to do this. The last thing he needed was Jerry's concern to put a stop to his efforts.

It was sunny outside. Allen hoped this bode well. He swallowed. It had to. Because if this went well – even though he wasn't sure how one deemed something this stupid as 'well' – he might just muster up some spirit to tell the others something…

It'll be fine, Allen worked to persuade himself, I'll be fine. Just… Just… Do whatever it is I'm meant to be doing and come back.

Allen took a deep breath. He could do this. He could face them.

Fixing a smile on his face he strode off to face his nightmares.

oOo_oOo_oOo

A/N: Okay, hear me out. I know you were all looking forward to learning about Allen's past, and I know this chapter seems like mainly filler, and yet again I left you with a cliff hanger – god, listening to all this I AM a horrible person – but I figured I wanted to make Allen less wimpy.

I personally think he's been a bit OOC of late, but thank god that's coming to an end. We're all getting closer to learning about his past, but you can't tell me you don't wanna see one of the Noah again? :D

Unbeta'd right now, but I'm sure she'll get to it soon. 3

See you next chapter, leave me a review!