All things Twilight belong to Stephenie Meyer; I just like to play with her characters.

No copyright infringement is intended.

Thanks to darcysmom and twimom817 for beta'ing and to EdwardsMyObsession1971 for prereading.

A/N: I know it's been a while, so I'll let y'all get on with it.

Never Let Go

Chapter Twenty-Four

"Breathe, Bella. You're doing great."

Seth, thankfully, was only too happy to relay instructions to Edward, who was more than willing to help with my therapy. It didn't bother me to have Seth in the room, but I panicked at the thought of him touching me. Seth sat a few feet away, praising me and making sure that Edward was helping me correctly. I felt guilty relying on Edward for so many things, and I told him as much, but he wouldn't hear of it. He'd smile and tell me that he'd do anything for me so long as I had a smile on my face.

Little by little my knee was getting better. It had been a couple of weeks since my fall and the pain was almost non-existent, and I was off the crutches. School would be starting in a little over a week, and I wanted to be ready. The last thing I wanted was to walk into a new school on crutches my very first day.

One day after therapy, Alice came bounding into my house announcing that we were going shopping. Edward had left shortly after Seth and was going to play ball with Jasper and a few of their friends. I tried to beg off, but Alice wasn't having any of it.

"Bella … come on, you need some new things. Your wardrobe consists of cotton pants and t-shirts. Perfect if you're a bum, but you're not. You're beautiful and should be proud of that fact. You can't hide forever."

There was a lot of truth in her words. I did need some new clothes for school. Fall would be upon us soon and I had nothing to wear that was adequate. Last year, I rarely left the house unless it was absolutely necessary.

"Okay, Alice, but if I say that we need to leave, we need to leave and you can ask questions later, all right?"

"Got it!"

An hour later, I was being led around the mall. It felt like it had been forever since I'd last been out shopping, doing girly things. Shopping wasn't necessarily one of my favorite things, but it felt normal being there with Alice, browsing the racks.

"I can't wait for Homecoming. Are you gonna go with Edward?"

I hadn't given homecoming any thought, really. I wasn't worried about anything beyond the first day of school.

"Can I get through the first day of school before we start picking out a dress, Alice?"

"Bella … everything will be fine. You know that don't you? We'll all be there for you if you need us, especially Edward."

I sighed.

"Alice … I love Edward, but I don't always want to have to depend on him. Sometimes I feel like I depend on him so much that I weigh him down, and I don't want to be a burden to him. Like – I don't know how school is going to work out. I don't know what my reactions are going to be. I still have issues being around people. Since I fell, I feel like it's worse. My reflexes aren't quite what they should be and I feel like I can't defend myself."

"No one is going to hurt you, Bella. We won't allow it. Now, stop dwelling on the negative and let's find you some cute stuff!"

Dad's credit card took a beating that afternoon. I bought jeans, shirts, sweaters, a new coat, and even some lacy bras and underwear that Alice managed to talk me into.

"These will drive Edward crazy," Alice grinned, handing me a dark blue lacy bra and matching panties.

"Alice! Edward and I … umm, we're not there yet. I don't think any amount of lace is going to help me get there."

"Bella, wearing pretty lingerie isn't always about making your boyfriend feel good. It's about making you feel good. You'll feel pretty even if no one else can see it. And trust me, you'll get there. Maybe not today, maybe not next week – eventually you will."

I knew there was a lot of truth to Alice's words, and I wanted to believe her that I'd be able to get to the point where I was ready for an intimate physical relationship with Edward, but I had serious doubts that he'd still be waiting around for me when that happened.

Alice asked me if we could get dinner and walk around a bit before going home. It was after seven and the sun was slowly fading. The thought of being out with only Alice beside me terrified me and I asked her if we could eat quickly and go home.

"Sure, Bella. It's too bad you don't want to walk around though – it's a beautiful night and it's not raining for a change."

"I know, Alice, but I'd feel more comfortable at home."

I was hanging up my new things in the closet later that night when Edward called.

"Hey, you."

"Hey." I smiled.

"How was shopping?"

"Ehh … it was okay."

"Just okay? Did you have any problems?"

"If you're asking if I had a panic attack the answer is no. But Alice did ask me if I wanted to have dinner and walk around a bit. That was around seven and I didn't feel comfortable with that so we ate and came home."

"Good. Did you have fun?"

"Yeah … I guess I did. It was nice to get out and spend some time with Alice."

"She missed you, Boo. I know she came late to the party, but she told me that after meeting you for the first time that you'd be one of her very best friends."

I laughed and shook my head. Alice had told me the same thing. I don't know how she knew that, but since that day we had become pretty good friends – even when I wasn't talking to any of them.

"Are you ready for your final session with Seth tomorrow?"

I didn't know if I was ready or not. I had a session with my therapist first thing in the morning and I knew she'd tell me that I needed to try to let Seth touch me. In the back of my mind, I knew that Seth would never hurt me – he was only there to help me, but the minute he got too close, I panicked. I hated it. My episodes were getting few and far between, but then again, I avoided situations that could provoke an attack.

"How are you coming along with setting your goal, Bella?"

I grunted.

"I guess you're no closer than you were before?"

I shook my head.

"Would it help if Edward came to a session with you?"

"No. A session doesn't diminish the fear."

"Perhaps it would make it a little easier on you? Bella … I think we need to address this "fear" – is it truly a fear of reliving that particular event in your life or is it a fear of Edward's anger or rejection when you tell him the truth?"

I had no idea if Edward coming to a session with me would help or not. Somehow my therapist always knew how to strike a nerve. I was afraid of both of those things, but I had faith in Edward. He'd stuck around with what little information I'd told him and I trusted him not to run when I told him the ugly truth.

"I don't know."

"Take some time to think about it. Today is your last day of physical therapy – are you looking forward to that being over?"

"Yes and no. Yes, because it'll be over, but no because I know you want me to allow Seth contact with me, and I'm intimidated by that."

"How so?"

"Ugh …. It feels like a lot of pressure. I don't know if I can handle that."

"Bella … allowing Seth to have physical contact with you is another step toward your recovery. You want that, don't you?"

"Yes," I whispered.

"Then if you want to be better – to feel more "normal", setting a goal and allowing that contact with Seth will put you one step closer."

Edward sat quietly in my dad's recliner as I lay on the floor with Seth kneeling beside me. He hadn't touched me yet, but I was already fighting my nerves to stay calm. I was trying to focus on Edward and let his presence calm me but it wasn't helping.

"Bella … I'm going to put a little pressure on your knee. I want you to push against my hand with your knee, okay?" Seth said softly.

I took a deep breath and squeezed my eyes shut. I could feel the hot tears running down my face as I gasped for air. Seth was barely touching me, but the contact felt like it was burning my skin.

"Seth! Stop!" Edward shouted frantically. "Enough!"

When I opened my eyes, Edward was looming over me and I could only hear Seth's voice.

"Edward?" I sobbed.

"I'm here, baby. I'm here, and you're okay."

Edward pulled me up into his arms as I struggled to catch my breath. I felt like there was a vise on my windpipe that wouldn't release.

I gasped for air as Edward rubbed circles on my back.

"Shh … Bella. Seth's calling Charlie now."

I heard Seth tell Edward that Carlisle was on his way over as well. What should have been a simple physical therapy session had turned into a fiasco.

"Seth … can you get Bella a glass of water, please?"

Seth returned quickly with the water and handed it to Edward.

"Come on, Boo. Deep breaths … you'll be all right. See if you can take a little sip of water."

"Easy, Edward … you don't want her to choke on that water," Seth warned.

Moments later, I heard Carlisle's voice float into the room and he kneeled at my side.

"Bella? Sweetheart, can you look at me?"

EPOV

My father looked worried as he came in the door and found Bella in the state she was in. My own heart was in my stomach as I held the girl that I loved in my arms. Bella was still struggling to catch her breath, her eyes were glazed over and I wasn't sure that she could hear a word I was saying to her.

I held her chin up as my father looked her over.

"This is the worst panic attack I've seen yet," My father said sadly.

"I'm going to give her something to help her relax, Son. Can you keep her still for me?"

I nodded and watched in horror as my father pulled out a vial and needle and prepared to give Bella a shot. I know how much she hates needles and even more – the necessity for them. It had been a couple months since my birthday and the evening that she needed something to help calm her from a panic attack. She said she hated the way that the pill made her feel afterward – sluggish and left feeling like she was in a haze. I hated it for her.

My father pushed the needle into Bella's creamy skin and I heard her whimper. It gave me a ray of hope that she knew what was going on. Once he pushed the plunger down, the ordeal was over within a few seconds, but it took a few minutes for her breaths to stabilize. I could feel Bella's chest against mine and her heart was racing.

"Dad …."

"I know, Son. Her BP is a lot higher than I'd like it to be."

He looked up at me with a sad expression on his face.

"Carlisle?" Charlie asked as he rushed through the front door. "What happened?"

"Bella had a panic attack. It's the worst one I've seen since you brought her home."

"Shit," Charlie mumbled, running his fingers through his hair. "I thought we were past all that."

"I did too."

Charlie looked over at me worriedly.

"How did it happen?"

I explained to Charlie that Bella was insistent upon me sitting in his recliner and letting Seth help her during therapy since it was her last day. I told him that Bella was laying on the floor while Seth knelt beside her and he barely touched her for a moment before she went into a tailspin.

"She shouldn't have done both therapies today. I think she's been pushed too far." Charlie murmured. "How is she Carlisle?"

"Honestly, Charlie? I'd like to take her into the hospital. Her BP is higher than I'd like it to be and I gave her a stronger dose of the Lorazepam than I normally would."

Charlie nodded and bent down to scoop Bella up off my lap.

"I'm so sorry, baby girl," Charlie crooned.

I could tell that it was killing him as much as it was me.

We climbed into my dad's car, and he drove us to the hospital in Port Angeles. Charlie filled out the paperwork while my father and I sat with Bella.

"How long will she have to stay here?" I asked.

"Hopefully not too long, Son. I want to stabilize her blood pressure and make sure there are no lingering side effects from the anti-anxiety meds I gave her."

I nodded. "I want to stay with Bella until she goes home."

"Edward …."

"No, Dad. I can't leave her – I won't. She's scared and if I can offer her even a little bit of comfort – I want to do it."

"School starts on Tuesday, Edward. Is that really the best idea?"

"I won't leave her alone in this. I've already spent a year without her. I won't lose any more time with her."

Dad smiled.

"I fear you've inherited your mother's hopeless romanticism, Son. You've loved Bella for as long as I can remember. I understand your need to make sure that she's okay, but you need to take care of yourself too."

"I know, Dad."

Bella slept through our entire conversation, and only stirred when the nurse came to start a saline IV.

"Nooo …." Bella sobbed as the nurse inserted the needle.

"Shh, Bella. It's all right." I cooed, taking her other hand in mine.

"Where am I?"

Bella's voice was panicked as she looked wildly around the room.

"You're in the hospital, Bella." My Dad replied softly.

"Oh, God. I don't want to be here. Edward … I want to go home."

I hated seeing Bella that way. Her eyes were so full of worry and sadness.

"I know, Boo. Soon, okay?"

"Please don't leave me. Please … just … never let go."

"Never." I promised, kissing her hand. "I'll stay here with you until you're ready to go home."

She seemed to relax a slight bit, and the nurse glanced over at me appreciatively.

Thankfully, my dad only kept her there overnight. He was right about the side effects of the meds he'd given her though. Bella slipped in and out of consciousness for most of the afternoon. During the few moments she was lucid, she was very lethargic. Charlie sat on one side of her bed and I sat on the other. Neither of us wanted to leave her or lose contact. My mom came and brought us all dinner, taking her turn to sit with Bella. Dad joined us a little later and he looked at Bella's chart and checked her blood pressure again before suggesting to my mom that they leave for the night.

"Are you sure you'll be all right here tonight, Sweetheart?" Mom asked me.

"Yeah, Mom. I'll be fine. I'm not leaving Bella."

"I know, Sweetheart. I didn't figure you would. Call us if you need anything, okay?"

I nodded, and they left after kissing Bella goodnight.

Charlie settled in on the sleeper sofa while I assured him that I'd be fine in the chair. The truth was that I didn't want to leave Bella's side. By morning, she was awake but still groggy.

"Ready to go home, Bella?" My father asked as he looked over her charts yet again.

Bella nodded.

"I want you to take it easy for a couple days, okay?"

My dad had taken Charlie home earlier that morning so he could get his truck and bring a few things back to the hospital. We were still waiting for him to return, but I stayed by Bella's side the entire time he was gone, and Bella couldn't stop apologizing for everything that happened the day before.

"Bella, you don't have to apologize. You knew deep down that you couldn't do it, but you tried and that's all that mattered. My only regret is that you pushed yourself too far."

"I wanted to be better …." Bella whispered.

I carefully sat on the bed next to her and wrapped my arms around her.

"You'll get there, Boo."

Later that afternoon, I kissed Bella softly on the head as she sat reading in the overstuffed chair in the corner of her room. I had to head home for a little bit, I knew my dad wasn't overly happy about me spending the entire weekend before school started at Charlie and Bella's.

"How's Bella feeling?" My mom asked as I opened the fridge to grab a can of soda.

"She's getting there."

"Is she ready for school to start?"

"I don't know, Mom. I think everything is kind of overwhelming for her right now. The start of school is going to be crazy – she's got dance, choir and volleyball."

"Doesn't she think it will be better if she eases herself back into all of that instead of jumping in head first?"

I sighed.

"I don't know. She thinks it will be easier if she goes right back into her old routine – she thinks it will keep her from overthinking and minimize her anxiety."

"I hope that's true, sweetheart. I'd hate for her to have to go through what she did yesterday all over again – for her sake and yours. How are you doing after all that, sweet boy?"

"Mom … I'm fine. I won't say that I didn't hate what Dad had to do to Bella – sedating her like her did and having to give her such a strong dose of medication. That was the worst thing – I keep replaying the entire thing in my mind and she had no control over what happened. She was breathing and seemed okay one minute and the next, Seth barely touched her and the panic kicked in."

"Didn't she know you were there?"

"I was right there, Mom. I pulled her into my lap and tried to get her to relax, but it was like she couldn't see me or hear me."

Mom pulled me into a hug.

"I'm so sorry, sweetheart. Not just for you, but for Bella too. I'm sure that wasn't easy on her."

"No. Especially not when I had to explain to her what happened this morning. She didn't remember any of it."

"Things will get easier, sweetheart. It will take some time, but it will happen. Bella's a strong girl, but she's going to have to dig deep to find that strength again. The best thing that we can do for her is to continue to encourage her but not shelter her. You're going to have to meet her in the middle, Edward."

"Don't hold her up, but don't let her fall, right?"

"As much as it hurts to hear it, sweetheart, you may have to let her fall. You can keep her from getting hurt, but you may have to let her fall. Otherwise, she'll never find herself. Does that make sense?"

It made perfect sense. As I drifted to sleep that night, I could hear Bella's panicked voice in my head, begging me to never let her go.

A/N: My apologies for the epic break between updates. It was never my intention to go so long between updates BUT RL had other plans. On a good note – I do tend to write ahead and my betas have outdone themselves and I have plenty of chapters to post, so I will be good for at least another month's worth of updates after this one ;)

If you're still reading, I'd love to hear your thoughts.