All things Twilight belong to Stephenie Meyer; I just like to play with her characters.
No copyright infringement is intended.
HUGE thanks to my betas darcysmom and twimom817 as well as my prereader EdwardsMyObsession1971. These ladies make my writing better.
WARNING: If you are sensitive to issues concerning rape or any type of sexual abuse, I strongly suggest that you only read UP TO Bella's POV.
Never Let Go
Chapter Twenty-Six
EPOV
For weeks after Bella had come home from the hospital after her episode with Seth, I knew something was off. I knew that she was on medication, but I had no idea she was taking so many. The school year started without much ado, and I easily fell into the swing of things. It felt great to finally have Bella back at school with me, and I knew that I wasn't the only one who felt that way.
But after the first few days, something felt off with Bella. She warned me that she didn't want to feel like she was under a microscope, and I understood her need to feel normal. I couldn't keep myself from looking out for her though. As the weeks wore on, Bella changed. She became lethargic and more melancholy than ever. It felt like I was losing her all over again.
"Charlie has to go out of town for a week or so to take care of some business, sweetheart, so Bella will be staying here with us. I want you to help her gather her things and make sure that she'll be comfortable here, okay?"
"Sure, Mom." I replied, excited to have Bella under our roof.
Bella had been staying with us for a few days already when I noticed that she seemed to be less melancholy. She'd get up in the morning and seemed to be eager to start the day instead of dreading it like she had only a couple of weeks ago.
Friday night, Bella would be singing the National Anthem at the Football Game. It would be the first time she'd done a solo since starting at Forks High and I didn't know if I should be excited or terrified for her. When we arrived at the game, she seemed to be okay. She was fidgeting a little but no more than normal. It was when her hands shook while she was fidgeting that I needed to worry.
I sat with Jasper watching the game while Bella went upstairs to the announcer's booth. Alice was a cheerleader, and Jasper kept a keen eye on her while she was shaking her ass down on the field. Bella sounded amazing as she sang – her voice pure and sweet. I was so proud of her and I told her as much when she came and took her seat next to me.
Bella's demeanor completely changed once we reached the car to head home. I held the door for her and helped her in before shutting it tight behind her. I rounded the car and took my place in the driver's seat. I started the car because it was rather chilly out, but I wanted Bella to talk to me and tell me what was going on. She wasn't keen on telling me at first, but after a little prodding, Bella hung her head and whispered that she'd quit taking her medication.
I worried at first, and then my worry turned into concern, but when Bella told me about all the meds she was on – my concern turned to anger. It wasn't anger aimed at Bella, but at my father for prescribing them all in the first place.
I told Bella that I loved her and no matter what, I'd stand by her and support her however she needed me to. I drove Bella to my home and walked quietly behind her as she ascended the stairs. I gave her a few minutes alone to clean up and change into her pajamas, and then I went in to tuck her into bed. I kissed her forehead softly and bid her goodnight.
"Come get me if you need anything, Boo." I whispered against her sweet skin. "I love you."
"Love you too, Edward."
I turned out the light and waited for her eyes to slide closed before I slipped out the door. I immediately turned to my parents room, and upon seeing the light under the door, I raised my hand and knocked firmly.
"Edward? Is everything all right? Is Bella okay?" My mother asked, concerned.
"Bella is fine, Mom. She's tucked into bed in the guest room."
"Did you have a good time at the game? I wish we could have been there, but we had to be at that silly dinner."
"The game was okay. Bella was amazing."
"Aww. Are you sure you're all right? You seem upset."
"Yeah … you could say that."
"What's wrong, Son?"
"What possessed you to put Bella on so many medications? Do you have any idea what you've done to her over the past couple months?"
"Edward … I can't discuss Bella's medications with you, nor can I discuss with you why I put her on them."
"Did you ever once consider how they would make her feel?" I asked angrily.
"Edward, sweetheart, calm down. What brought this on?" My mom asked.
"Bella told me tonight how many medications she's been on and it would explain the way she's been feeling and acting the last couple months. She had reverted back to how she'd been when she wasn't talking to me. She hates the way they made her feel and I felt like I was losing her again. She admitted to me tonight that she's stopped taking her medications and that she's feeling much better having done so."
"Son, I don't think that's a good idea. Bella's anxiety is more than she can handle without medication. She's been through something awful and its okay for her to need some help with how she's feeling. It worries me that she's suddenly stopped taking them."
"There has to be an alternative, Dad. She's miserable when she's taking them."
"Does Charlie know?"
"No, I'm the only person she's told, but now you know."
"Now, I know. Edward … perhaps if we could get Bella to open up about what happened to her in Phoenix. I don't know … maybe it would help her. I'm not a psychologist, but I can't help but think that maybe getting that off her chest will help her to be less anxious and it will allow us to better help her."
"Or maybe it could make her worse, Dad. You don't know that it would help her. What happens if you give her an ultimatum to tell us and all it does is make her push us away? How would that help her?"
"She's got to get it out of her system, Son. Holding in what happened to her? It's slowly eating her from the inside out. Honestly, I think she doesn't want to voice what actually happened because she thinks in some twisted way that she's protecting you and Charlie – maybe she is, maybe she isn't, but I do know that it's killing her."
Dad was right – whatever happened to her was slowly eating at her from the inside out. It surely wasn't worth it to protect me and Charlie.
"Maybe I can talk to Charlie."
"Let us know, Son. We'll do what we can to help her."
I nodded and let myself out. I crept back into the guest room where Bella was sleeping peacefully. I crawled into the bed next to her and wrapped my arms around her. She sighed softly as she settled into my embrace.
"Love you … Edward." Bella murmured.
"I love you too, my sweet, sweet girl."
Charlie came back late Sunday afternoon and after joining us for dinner, they made their way home. The weekend had been quiet except for the small argument that Bella and I had that afternoon. I thought she needed to tell her dad that she had stopped taking her meds, but she argued that she wasn't ready. Something needed to give.
I hated to see Bella leave, but she gave me her sweetest smile, the one that silently told me she'd be okay, and she climbed into Charlie's truck. The next day after school, I peeked into the gym to find Bella running drills with the volleyball team. She was chattering and seemed happy. Feeling like all was well in her world, I made my way to the parking lot and headed over to the Mill to see Charlie.
"Edward, Son … is everything okay? Is Bella all right?"
"Everything's fine, Charlie. Bella's okay. She was at volleyball practice when I checked in on her."
"So what brings you here? You only come see me at work when you need to talk about something serious."
"I do need to talk to you about something serious, Charlie. I need to talk to you about Bella."
I didn't want to betray Bella's trust, but I needed Charlie to understand how important it was that Bella finally come clean with us about what happened to her. I explained to him as best I could and hoped that he felt the same way.
"I see what you're saying, Son, and I understand. I do, but I don't see how we're going to force this out of her. The last thing I need to happen is for her to become the zombie she was when she first came back. Surely you know she'd push everyone away."
"That's what scares me the most, Charlie. But something has to give …."
"I don't know what to tell you, Edward. Until she wants to talk, we're kind of stuck."
"But we don't have to be … what if we took her somewhere? What if we didn't give her a choice?"
"What do you mean?"
"I talked to my parents about it last night. We all want to help Bella, Charlie. We thought maybe if we went away for the weekend somewhere …. My dad suggested the cabin – somewhere away from Forks – somewhere she couldn't run away from …."
I hated my Dad's suggestion at the time, but if we gave her an ultimatum, Bella could easily go to her room and refuse to talk to any of us. I didn't want her to feel like a caged animal, but if at any time, she felt like she needed to get out, all she would have to do was ask because I'd give her anything she asked.
Charlie sighed.
"What's in this for you, Edward?"
"My best friend. I need her back, and I need her whole, Charlie. Bella's struggling and even though she's trying really hard to be normal, I hate that she has to do that. Being 'normal' should be effortless – I want that for her."
"Don't you think the meds are helping her?"
"No, I don't."
Charlie ran his hands through his hair.
"All right, I'll call and talk to your Dad. He should know how she's doing since she spent a week under his roof."
"Thank you, Sir."
"No, Son. Thank you. Thank you for not giving up on her when you had every right to."
"I've held her in my heart for most of my life, Charlie. I promised her once that I'd never let go, and I plan on keeping that promise."
Charlie nodded once, and I turned to leave his office. Bella was waiting outside the gym when I pulled back into the parking lot.
"Where'd you wander off to?"
"I had a couple things to take care of." I smiled.
A few weeks later, our plans were all set and despite the reason, I was actually looking forward to going to the cabin. We were leaving on a Friday after school and would get home sometime Sunday evening – barring any issues.
We arrived well after the sun had gone down. The air was brisk, and by the time we'd brought in all our things, we were ready to build a fire and warm up. Bella and my mom made us hot chocolate, while my dad and Charlie sipped on their beers. We talked about what we wanted to do the next day. Bella and I wanted to hike up one of the trails, while my Dad and Charlie wanted to head down the mountain and see if they could find a spot to fish.
After promising that we'd stick to one particular trail, Bella and I took off. Snapping pictures at every opportunity, Bella must have used at least 3 rolls of film, but the smile on her face was worth it. She was relaxed and happy. Unfortunately, she had no idea what was coming.
Dad and Charlie had a good day fishing, and by the time that Bella and I walked into the cabin, my mom had already cleaned the fish and they were broiling in the oven. After gorging on baked potatoes, vegetables, salad and fresh fish, we sat around the fireplace chatting. An artificial peace fell around us and Charlie cleared his throat and began to speak.
"Bells … Baby girl, I think it's high time you told us what happened. I have it on high authority that you've stopped taking your medication."
Bella immediately looked at me. Her expression was a mix of fear and anger.
"Bells … Edward didn't say anything. He didn't have to. I suspected you had stopped taking them, but I couldn't prove it."
"Edward," Bella whispered. "You talked to my dad?"
"I did," I admitted, swallowing the golf ball in my throat. "But only because I was worried about you and I swear that I didn't mention your meds. I went to Charlie because we need you to talk about this, Bella. I love you, and I'm worried about you. I feel like whatever happened is swallowing you whole because you refuse to tell us about it. I know you want to protect us, but let us worry about ourselves and you worry about you for a change."
Bella looked around wildly at all of our faces. She looked more frightened than I'd ever seen her and I hated it with my entire being. If I could have wrapped my arms around her to protect her, I would have.
"Esme?" Bella squeaked.
My mother opened her arms to Bella, and she went willingly.
"Bella, sweetheart," Mom said, smoothing Bella's hair. "If you talk about this, I think it will make you feel better. I know it doesn't feel that way, but sometimes, it's good to let the demons out of the closet."
"Is that why you brought me here? You wanted to bring me out in the middle of nowhere so that I could tell you what happened at Mom's?" Bella asked, looking at Charlie.
"Baby Girl … holding in what happened to you isn't doing you any good. If you want to stop taking your meds – that's fine, but you better start talking. You have a hard time coping when you're not on your meds because of this shit."
" Yeah, Daddy … and I have a hard time coping when I'm on the meds. They make me crazy." Bella argued as her eyes filled up with tears. " I'm better without the meds – I tried telling you and Carlisle that but you didn't believe me. I've been miserable since I started taking them. I can't focus and everything is suffering because of it. I go to practice and Coach makes me run laps and sit on the bench because I can't perform like the athlete I was when I tried out. I dread going to dance class and my heart's not in my music anymore. I don't feel like me. There may have been a few times when I wanted to feel numb, but I didn't want to feel like I did when I was taking those meds, and I don't want to feel like that ever again."
"Why didn't you say anything before, Bella?" Charlie asked. "Had I known …."
"I tried to tell you, but every time I said something, all I'd hear was 'things will get better, Bella."
Charlie opened his mouth to speak, but my mom beat him to it.
"Charlie, Carlisle … there has to be another way. If she's not ready … maybe we shouldn't push her…. Charlie … clearly from what Bella has told us, the medication was hurting her more than helping her. Even I noticed that she wasn't the same. Bella has been almost as withdrawn as she was when she first came back. I hadn't seen her in weeks before she came to stay with us while you were away. I've noticed a difference in Bella in the last few weeks. She's been … better."
"Esme … I know you want what's best for Bella, but do you think it's best to take her off the medication?" Charlie asked as he rubbed the back of his neck.
"Of course I want what's best for her Charlie. I love Bella like she's my own daughter. Don't think you're the only one who's been hurting for her since Phoenix. It damn near broke my heart to see a light as bright as Bella nearly snuffed out from the weight on her shoulders. I can't stand by and watch it happen again."
My heart ached as I watched my girl shake in my mom's arms. She was upset – along with everyone else in the room, and I worried that our idea to bring her here to force it out of her had been a huge mistake. I gazed around at the worried faces of Charlie and my dad before looking back to Bella, and I felt so defeated.
"Baby girl," Charlie said softly, "I love you, but this has to stop. You need to move on with your life – this fear that you live with every day? It's killing you, and it hurts us to stand by and helplessly watch it happen. We love you and we need you happy and whole."
Bella looked over at me, and I pleaded with my eyes for her to tell us.
"Can I have a couple minutes alone with Edward?"
Charlie nodded and Bella shrugged out of my mom's embrace. She linked her pinky with mine, and I followed her silently into the bedroom.
"Please don't make me do this, Edward. I can forgive you for telling them that I'm off my meds but I can't talk about this."
"Baby … you can talk about this. If you're worried about what we'll think – you shouldn't be. We love you. I love you. You are all that matters, and I agree with our parents that by getting this out of your system, you'll feel a lot better. I know it's not easy, baby. I know it scares the shit out of you, but we're not going anywhere and we'll help you through this, but you need to let us in. This memory you have – you need to let it go."
Bella looked up at me with tear filled eyes.
"Promise you won't hate me?"
"Bella, I could never hate you." I whispered with a kiss to her temple.
"Promise if I let this go, - that you'll never let me go?"
"Bella, baby, I love you. I'll never let you go."
"I have one condition," Bella sniffled. "You can't look at me when I tell you. If I see the sadness and pity on your faces, I'll never be able to get it out."
I agreed and we made our way back into the living room. Bella told our parents that she was willing to share her story with a few stipulations. Our parents agreed, and Bella asked my mom if she would sit beside her, while Charlie, my dad, and I faced away from her.
**If you are sensitive to issues such as rape and sexual abuse, I recommend stopping here.**
BPOV
"I was on my way home from school … my mind was on things that I wanted to say to Edward when I called him that afternoon and getting ready to leave for the wedding. I was so excited for Mom and Phil. I didn't think anything of it when I walked up to the front door and the door was cracked open. I figured that Mom was home and she'd been running in and out to the car, getting things ready to go. Never in a million years did I ever think that I would walk in on what I did. I set down my bag and grabbed some water, and then I heard these noises coming from the hallway close to Mom's bedroom. Grunts and moans – Mom was whimpering and it didn't sound good at all. Then … this … guy comes stumbling down the hall."
As the memory flooded my mind, I was helpless to stop the tears from falling down my face. I could see the visible change in posture of the three men sitting in front of me, and I was thankful that I couldn't see their faces because I'm sure their expressions were murderous. Esme sat quietly next to me – the only change in her demeanor was a little squeeze to my hand, urging me to continue.
"I'd never seen him before, but I see him in my nightmares," I hiccupped. "He was dirty and smelled like stale tobacco and cheap liquor. He was shirtless and his pants hung around his hips, the button undone and the zip … zipper down. His penis was sticking out … and … and it was covered in blood." I shuddered.
"It's all right, Bella. You're safe here," Esme whispered. "Take a deep breath and take as much time as you need to."
Tears were streaming down my face, and my chest felt tight as I remembered his toothless grin coming toward me.
"He said something about me being a pretty little thing and said that I was prettier than Mom and probably tighter too. He … he said that since … since he was duh … done with her, he'd have me before he left."
Esme pulled me tighter into her arms, and rubbed my back soothingly, telling me to take deep breaths and keep breathing. My eyes were so blurred from the tears, I could no longer see the men sitting in front of me.
"I tried … I tried to scream, but he stumbled toward me and I couldn't get away fast enough. He covered my mouth and pushed me into my room and …. He was huge, I didn't have a chance against him – even if he was drunk. I tried kicking him and clawing him, but he smothered me with his body. He said I was a feisty little bitch and flipped me over on the bed. He … he had a roll of duct tape and he used it to bind my ankles and wrists and cover my mouth."
Esme whimpered beside me, and I knew if I stopped I would never get it all out, so I continued.
"He pulled me up off the bed and told me that he was going to have a better time with me than he did with Mom. I remember squeezing my eyes shut and all I could think about was Edward. I thought about how much I loved him and how I hated that I continually promised him I'd see him again and that I might never see him again. I was so scared."
"You don't have to be scared any more, sweetheart," Esme whispered. "You're so strong and you're here with us, safe and so very loved, sweet girl."
"He bent me over the chair that was next to my bed, and … and he pulled down my shorts. He grabbed my breasts and pulled them out of my bra, pinching and clawing at me. The whole time, I could feel … I could feel him … his penis against me. He pushed my legs apart with his knee. All I had on was a … a … a thong. I felt so dirty – he felt dirty. I don't remember hearing Phil, but I remember feeling the weight lifted from me and my head hurt so bad. Phil picked me up in his arms and I screamed. He grabbed the blanket from my bed and covered me with it and took me out to the living room. He pulled the tape off my mouth and promised he'd be right back. I … I don't know how long he was gone, but I remember feeling so alone, and I couldn't stop shaking. I hurt all over, and my head hurt. There was blood dripping down on my shirt. It was hard to stay awake. I heard Phil shout and several policemen came through the front door. One of them was a female and she came over to me. She asked me what happened, but I couldn't get past telling her that he came at me in the hallway. I think I showed her my wrists and ankles and she got the paramedic to come over and cut them off. I screamed the entire time and the paramedic said he was going to give me something to help me calm down. Before I knew it, he was stabbing me with a needle and I felt dizzy – like I'd been spinning in circles for too long. The voices around me didn't make sense, and I saw them carry Mom out of the house on a gurney. When I woke up – like really woke up, Carlisle and Charlie were sitting in my hospital room."
Esme wiped away my tears, and I looked over to see Carlisle and my Dad hugging fiercely. Edward sat forward with his elbows resting on his knees and his hands running through his hair. Carlisle released Dad and immediately pulled Edward into his arms. Dad was immediately in front of me, pulling me into his own.
"I'm so fucking proud of you, baby girl. You are so strong. Don't you dare give that fucker the satisfaction of knowing that he broke you – he didn't. God damn, I'm sorry I didn't fight your mother harder to get you back. I figured she needed you, and you are so smart – you always knew that and that's why you stayed. Then you started with volleyball and choir and you fell in love with it – I didn't want to take you away from something that you loved. I couldn't. I'm so sorry, baby girl."
"I … I don't want you to pity me, Dad," I sniffled.
"I don't pity you, baby girl. I'm sorry that it happened to you – I'm sorry that you're haunted by what happened. You certainly don't deserve it."
When I looked up from my spot against my Dad's chest, Carlisle, Esme and Edward were gone. I was going to ask where they had gone when my Dad spoke.
"They're not far, Bella. I'm sure Edward is itching to set his eyes on you and make sure that you're okay. Hell, sometimes I think that boy takes better care of you than I do, and I'm your father!"
A small giggle slipped from my lips and Dad kissed my head telling me that's what he wanted to hear.
He backed out of our embrace and eyed me skeptically.
"What?"
"He didn't hurt you, did he?"
"Who?" I asked, confused as to who we were talking about.
"That monster. He didn't … rape you did he?"
"No. But you knew that already, Dad. I heard Carlisle tell you that when I was in the hospital."
"I needed to hear it from you, baby girl."
I took a deep breath and wiped away a few errant tears. Dad hollered for Edward and he crept quietly down the hall. Edward's eyes were puffy and red but his arms were held out for me, begging me to come to him. I didn't hesitate as he pulled me into a hug and held onto me – keeping his promise.
I slept in Edward's arms that night. He held me as close as he could, and no words were spoken between us. I didn't know what to say, and I don't know that he did either. His touch on my skin was like a whisper – soft and sweet. It was as if he was reminding himself that I was there and if he held me tight enough, I couldn't be taken from him again.
Everyone was pretty quiet the next day. I felt exhausted – it was draining for me to allow those memories to overtake me and relive them as I told the people most important to me what happened that day. I'd been through hell, and I walked through it a second time to tell them.
I was shocked that I didn't have any nightmares. When I quietly asked Edward about it the next day, he said I whimpered a couple times and that was it. I told Dad it might be a good idea to call my therapist and see if I could schedule a session as soon as possible and he readily agreed. I asked Edward if he would come with me – I didn't want to be there alone, but I didn't want my Dad with me.
The drive home was quiet and uneventful, but the week following was not.
A/N: This was by far the most difficult thing I've written, but I think it was important to the story because Bella needed to purge herself of everything that happened to her in Phoenix. Edward and Charlie both needed to know what really happened to her.
Are you still with me? See you next week.