All things Twilight belong to Stephenie Meyer; I just like to play with her characters.

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Thanks to my fantastic team of betas and pre-readers – darcysmom, twimom817 and EdwardsMyObsession1971

Never Let Go

Chapter Thirty

When the winter snow finally gave way to slush and mud, Edward started practicing in earnest in anticipation of the upcoming baseball season. I'd spend a couple days a week sitting on the bleachers after school watching him practice. He was so good up on the mound. Edward was a natural at pitching, and I could see why there were several scouts looking at him.

After our discussion at Thanksgiving, Edward and I resolved to stay together wherever he ended up. He didn't want to be without me, and I certainly didn't want to be without him. As it grew closer to the holidays, Edward and I inched our relationship forward. While the thought of Edward seeing me naked scared the ever loving shit out of me, I didn't mind the feel of his hands up my shirt or down my pants. His touch was gentle and warm against my sensitive flesh. Softly, he whispered sweet words in my ear as he explored my body. I couldn't deny the way he made me feel – like I wanted to explode out of my skin, yet at the same time – like I wanted to float on a cloud. One thing I knew for sure – I wanted Edward there with me always.

That didn't go over so well with my therapist.

"Being dependent on Edward isn't going to get either of you anywhere, Bella. You are strong enough to stand on your own, but until you actually start to believe it …."

"I know, I need to have more faith in myself, but I don't know how to do that. I know that the world around me isn't out to get me, but I need the reassurance that Edward brings me. He's there for me – always and that's the one thing I know I can depend on."

"What about when he's not there, Bella? Because there will be times that he won't be there. If he continues with his baseball career, he'll be travelling – a lot. You'll be left to fend for yourself, what will you do then?"

"Umm … Emmett said that he'll be there for me whenever I need him."

"Say Emmett's not available … then what? You cannot continue to use your boyfriend and friends as crutches, Bella. At some point, they're going to get tired of your dependency and will no longer offer their help. Obviously, you don't want to drive them to that point. Now, I'm not saying that you should stop depending on them entirely – absolutely you should depend on them for emotional support. It's the physical support you should limit. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

I nodded numbly.

Claire's words made a lot of sense. I didn't want to wear Edward and his friends out by being overly needy and the last thing I wanted to be was the overly emotional, clingy girlfriend. Edward deserved so much more than that. He deserved someone on his arm whom he could be proud of. I wanted more than anything to be that person.

As the weeks passed, I did my best to reign in my dependency on Edward. Thankfully, he was busy with baseball practice so it may not have been as noticeable to him, but I didn't want him to think that I was distancing myself from him.

For Valentine's Day, Edward took me to a nice little Italian restaurant in Port Angeles for dinner. He'd called and made reservations in advance, and when he picked me up, he held out the most beautiful red and white roses.

"How has practice been going?" I asked.

"Fine, but I don't want to talk about baseball tonight."

"What do you want to talk about?"

"I want to talk about us. I want to talk about how heartbreakingly beautiful you are tonight, Bella."

I could feel the heat of the blush on my skin. Edward always made me feel that way, and it was something I hoped he would always bring out in me.

"Thank you. You look incredibly handsome yourself."

Edward had worn a pair of black dress pants, a pale gray shirt complemented by an emerald green tie, and a black jacket. I hadn't seen him dressed up since the last concert he attended in Phoenix, but there was something different about him this time. He was older and more confident.

"Have you given any thought as to what you want to do for Spring Break? I was thinking maybe I'd talk to Aunt Charlotte and see if we could go down to her place for a few days …."

"Actually, I have thought about it. My mom has been bugging me to go down and visit with her and Phil – to see their new house. I was thinking that maybe I'd finally go. After we start college, I don't know if I'll have the time and …."

"Really? You want to go see your mom?"

I nodded. I didn't really want to go, but I knew it was a hurdle that I needed to get over as a part of my recovery. The more I thought about it, the more I understood that I needed to repair or at least put a patch on my broken relationship with my mom. She'd been bugging me for the longest time, and I thought if I could put it off long enough, it would go away, but that wasn't the case. I'd spent a lot of time with Claire discussing it at my therapy sessions, and I'd been able to make a little bit of headway in my relationship with my mom. We weren't extremely close, but we'd begun to bridge the gap, and Claire insisted that if I could get past my fear of making the trip, it would make the gap smaller.

"I need to try and fix things with her, Edward. Things have been messed up with her since I came back from Phoenix."

"I know, baby. You two have both needed time to heal, but there has been a lot involved in that. You needed to heal emotionally and physically."

I nodded again, tears welling in my eyes.

"Hey, Boo. Don't cry … I didn't mean to upset you, I wanted you to know that I understand."

"I know you do. You wouldn't be you if you didn't. You understand me better than I understand myself sometimes."

"Is that a bad thing?"

"No, it's not a bad thing, it's just frustrating when it takes me longer to figure it out."

Edward laughed and I knew our heavy moment was gone.

"Do you think you will be able to go to Phoenix on your own?"

I could see the concern in his eyes as he gazed across the table at me. It seemed like we'd had this discussion a few months ago and it resulted in Edward telling me there was no way in hell he'd let me go to Phoenix. It seemed like Edward had come a long way too.

"I don't know, but I hope I can."

"I can make arrangements to go with you if you need me to."

"Thanks, but I think this is something I need to do on my own."

"Is it something you need to do or something you want to do on your own?"

"Both?"

Edward nodded.

"Promise me, if you go, that you'll call me all the time. I'll worry about you otherwise."

"I know. I don't want you to worry about me. You have baseball camp that week and you need to focus on that because the scouts will be there."

"I don't care about them, I care about you. I'll go crazy if you have a panic attack and I'm not there."

"I won't have a panic attack, Edward. I'll be fine. I'm going from the airport to the house and from the house to the airport."

"Does Charlie know?"

"I've talked to him about it, yeah. If it makes you feel better, he's not crazy about the idea either, but Phil promised that he'll be home the entire time I'm there and that I'll be perfectly safe."

"What brought this on, Bella? There for a while you didn't even want to speak to your mom, let alone go to visit her."

I reached for his hand across the table.

"Edward … it's only for a week. I promise that I'm only going for a visit. Forks is home to me because it's where you are. I don't want you to worry that I'm not coming back – because I'll be back. I can't be that far away from you again. As much as I don't want to be away from you, it's something that I need to do. Part of my healing is that I need to go visit my mom, and it's important that I do it on my own. How can you expect me to go to college and succeed if I can't even manage to get on a plane and visit my mom for a week?"

I had my own doubts as to how well I'd deal with going to a crowded airport and sitting in a small space where only God knows who could be sitting next to me and people would be in my personal space. I knew I'd have to have my doctor prescribe something just so I could get out of the car, let alone get on a plane.

I watched Edward carefully as his brow furrowed and he thought about everything I'd said.

"I don't want to be away from you either and as much as I don't like it, I get it. Promise me that you'll call me as often as you can. Even if you call to say you're okay, I want to hear from you."

"I promise."

The drive home from Port Angeles was quiet. Edward drove carefully and I could tell by the expression on his face that he was lost in his own thoughts.

"Edward … don't over think this. Please?"

"I hate that you want to go without me." He said sadly.

"Baby, it's not that I want to go without you … I need to do this on my own. I'd love nothing more than for you to come with me – I think it would be easier if I had you beside me, but when we got there we'd have to separate. You know how my mom is … she's freaked out at the thought of you and me being us. She hated it then, and she'll hate it now. I disagree with her feelings, but there's nothing I can do to change them, and if you were to go, I'd have to defend us and that wouldn't be right considering why I'm going to see her in the first place – it would be totally counterproductive."

Edward sighed heavily and reached his arm across the console, searching out my hand.

"I don't understand why she's so against you and I being a couple, Bella. I know she doesn't understand our relationship, but I don't know why she's dead set against it. Out of the four of our parents, I would have thought that Charlie would have been the hardest sell because you're his little girl, but no – it's your mom."

"She's worried that I'll end up like her. Eighteen and pregnant, stuck in a marriage that she didn't want."

"How do you know she didn't want it?"

"Mom told me that her mother made them get married. She loved my Dad, but she wasn't sure she wanted to marry him. She said he was good to her and gave her everything he could. She was happy for a while, but she got to the point where she felt suffocated by Forks. She hated the cloud cover and the trees. She wanted wide open spaces and sunshine. That's why I found it funny that we ended up in Monterey for two years. Monterey wasn't that different from Forks – with the exception that you and dad were so far away."

"Do you think Forks is suffocating?"

"No. I think Forks is comforting. Like I said, it's home to me because it's where you are. Honestly, I hated Phoenix because it was lonesome – there was too much space and not enough green. I missed the rain and the company."

My admission was quiet but Edward seemed to understand. When I finally looked away from his face, I realized that we were sitting in his driveway.

"I thought we'd watch a movie." Edward grinned sheepishly.

Thankfully I'd left some sweats in Edward's bedroom and he waited patiently while I changed and got comfortable. Esme and Carlisle were still out enjoying their own Valentine's date, so Edward and I took advantage of our time alone.

Curling up together on the sofa in the basement was one of my favorite things to do. Next to kissing Edward, of course. I waited while he put the movie in, and when he joined me on the sofa, we curled around each other and kissed softly.

"Come to the prom with me."

"Prom?"

"Mmmhmm." Edward hummed against my lips.

"I hadn't given prom any thought."

"I know you didn't, but I'm asking you to. I want you to go to prom with me."

My mind went back to when I first allowed Edward back into my life after returning from Phoenix. We danced slowly in my living room to a song that only Edward knew the notes to.

"We danced together on prom night last year."

"Mmm, I remember. I was so happy that you were finally in my arms."

"I was happy to be in your arms." I admitted.

"Come to the prom with me. Dance in my arms where everyone can see."

"I'd love to." I grinned against his skin.

"I love you, Bella."

Edward's lips met mine softly. I could feel the emotion radiating off of him, and I allowed it to consume me, knowing that he was everything and that he would always protect me and love me. Long knowing fingers found warm skin under the thin cotton of my t-shirt. My love for him bubbled under the surface of my skin and I could feel the tears forming in my eyes once again.

"I want you, Edward." I whispered.

"I'm right here, baby."

"No," I whispered, shaking my head. "I want you."

Edward's eyes were wide as he gazed upon my face. It seemed like it took him a couple minutes to fully understand the weight of what I was trying to tell him.

"Bella … we don't have to …."

"I want to," I whispered again. "Unless …."

The thought that he might not want me that way hadn't entered my mind. We'd done practically everything except see one another naked, so why wouldn't he want that?

"Oh God, Bella. Please don't think that I don't … of course, I want you. I'll always want you. I just want to make sure that it's what you really want. I want you to be ready – there's no rush. I wanted this to be a romantic evening. I'm happy to be here with you, kissing you and holding you."

Traitorous tears fell from my eyes, and no sooner had they fallen then Edward wiped them away.

"Please don't cry, Bella. I love you. I want nothing more than to give myself – all of myself to you and you to do the same for me."

"Please," I begged. "I love you so much, Edward, and I need you."

As soon as the words were out of my mouth, his lips were on mine again. My hands went to the nape of his neck, tangling in his hair and pulling him toward me. Edward's hair was so soft and silky under my fingers. His arms were wrapped around me and he held me as if I were the most precious thing in the world to him. I don't know how long we kissed, but when Edward finally pulled away, I was breathless. I hated the fact that he was so far away even if he was sitting right next to me. I watched him with a sad face until I realized that he was only moving to pull his shirt over his head and take off his pajama pants.

"Is this okay?" Edward asked softly.

"Mmm," I hummed, eyeing him in appreciation.

The last time I'd seen Edward without a shirt was the previous summer and he'd filled out a bit more since then. If he was like this at eighteen, I could only imagine what he'd look like at twenty-five.

"I thought it might be easier for you if I got naked first."

I must have looked at him wide eyed, because it seemed like he wanted to back track immediately.

"I want you to be comfortable," Edward explained. "I don't want to do anything to upset you – to trigger something I'm unaware of. I thought if you could see me and explore on your own, it might be easier on you."

Oh, Edward. This man always thought of me first. As he stood before me to tug down his boxer briefs, I nodded before taking his outstretched hand and standing. He reached out for both of my hands and squeezed gently, encouraging me to touch him. Instead of reaching out and touching him like he wanted me to, I wrapped my arms around him and pulled his naked form toward me. His arms wrapped around me and I laid my head on his chest.

"Your heart is beating so fast."

"I'm a little nervous."

"Why?"

Edward's chuckle rumbled in his chest.

"You're beautiful, Edward. Inside and out."

"So are you, Bella."

"You haven't even seen me yet."

"I don't have to see you to know that. We can go upstairs if it would make you feel better."

I nodded and Edward pulled the blanket from the back of the sofa and wrapped it around himself. He gathered his clothes from the floor and took my hand, before leading me upstairs to his bedroom.

Edward's room was bathed in soft light from the lamp on the far side of his bed. I'd been in his room more times than I could possibly count, but this time it seemed different.

I looked longingly at the door to the adjoining bathroom.

"If you need a minute, go ahead, baby." Edward said softly. "I'll be right here."

I reached up on my tip-toes to kiss Edward gently on the cheek, thanking him silently for knowing exactly what I needed.

I stepped into the bathroom and closed the door behind me. Leaning against it, I took several deep breaths – all the while telling myself that it was only Edward on the other side of the door. If I were to step out and tell him that I changed my mind, he'd understand. He'd be disappointed, but he'd understand.

I quickly brushed my teeth and splashed some cool water on my face before stepping back into the bedroom. Edward was sitting up in bed, with the sheet pulled up to his waist.

"Hey," He smiled.

"Hey."

"Everything okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. I just needed a minute."

"Bella … if you're having second thoughts …."

Before he could finish what he was going to say, I cut him off.

"No, I'm not having second thoughts." I said, as I crawled onto the bed. "But I am having a hard time finding the courage …. I mean, I know it's you and I'm comfortable with that."

"Baby … do you still want this? I understand if you don't and I'm okay with that. I don't want to push you."

"Of course I still want this … I still want you, Edward."

"Come here …."

Edward held out his arms to me and I fell into them willingly. Soft lips met mine and trailed their way down my neck and across my shoulder.

"Close your eyes, Bella and just … feel."

Edward laid me on the pillow and I reached out for him, needing to feel him even though I knew he was close – I could feel the warmth of his body hovering over me as he continued to kiss me. Gentle hands pushed my shirt up, and I leaned up to help Edward lift it over my head. He held my head as I lay back down, as his lips met my forehead, I couldn't help but peek up at him.

"I love you," He whispered.

My voice caught in my throat and my reply squeaked across my lips. "Love you, too."

Edward took his sweet time as he kissed down my body, removing my clothing as he went. Not once did I feel self-conscious or uncomfortable – I focused on his warm hands caressing my skin and his soft lips pressing kisses against me. After one look at him, I kept my eyes closed and relished in the feel of him above me. The emotions that radiated from him seeped into my pores – the love was overwhelming.

With nothing between us but skin, Edward paused and whispered low in my ear, making sure that I was really ready. I managed to squeak out a yes.

"I have condoms if we need one …"

"No, I'm on the pill, Edward. I want to feel you … only you."

He pressed his forehead to mine and whispered once again that he loved me while he ever so slowly lined himself up and pushed into me. I held my breath at the intrusion, but pushed it out quickly when I felt a sharp pinch.

I looked up into Edward's worried eyes and kissed him before reassuring him that I was okay.

I didn't go into making love with any expectations, but so far Edward had made it nothing less than memorable. I knew it would be over quickly and it was, but Edward was so tender and loving with me. He made me feel beautiful and cherished, and I knew that's what I would remember the most.

Edward found his rhythm as he moved above me, whispering sweet words against my skin as I got used to the feel of him inside of me. It wasn't long until I felt him tense up and release into me, so I wrapped my arms around him and held him to me, returning his sentiments.

Out of breath and feeling slightly sticky, Edward pulled out of me and quickly ducked into the bathroom before crawling into bed beside me and pulling me against him.

"Sorry," Edward apologized.

"For what?"

"It didn't last very long. You felt so good, Bella. It'll get better."

"Shh … it was perfect, Edward. It was exactly what I needed."

"Yeah?"

"Mmmhmm," I hummed.

"I wish you could stay here."

"I wish I could too. But we have school tomorrow and there's no way my Dad would let me stay over on a school night."

"I know. Can we lay here for a few more minutes? I'm not ready to let you go yet."

"I'm not ready for you to let me go, Edward."

A/N: I hate when first times are fluffy and perfect ... we all know they're not. I think they can be sweet and awkward and I hope that I've captured that here. Bella's making a little more progress and she and Edward have taken that giant step ... there's no turning back for them now, but they've made it this far ...

I will hopefully update later this week. I'm still working on wrapping this story up and I'm struggling with it, so bear with me. In the mean time, I've posted the first two chapters of my new little fic "Second Chances". Here's the summary:

Two people meet, fall madly in love and graduate from college … life is perfect until tragedy strikes. One obituary is all it takes to offer up a second chance.

Thanks for reading!