On the screen, Shane looked down at Jeannie and then into the camera. "But that doesn't matter. It's more important that I'll be able to come home to you and our children. So if letting the world think I'm a traitor will bring me home faster, so be it. I can live with that."
From where she was pacing back and forth in front of the television, Kim watched as Shane briefly looked at the ceiling and then said, "Three years. It'll be hard being away. I know that'll be hard for you too, and for the kids, but when that's over, we'll be a family again."
Kim hit the pause button, as she continued to pace around the library. We'll be a family again. Shane had said the same thing the day before when Kim had taken the children to see him, and Kim had spent a sleepless night hearing that over and over in her mind.
And she had spent the day at the abuse clinic thinking how she should go by Shane's room to discuss her feelings about what he had told Andrew. But she had been unable to bring herself to do it, because she did not know what she would say if he began discussing their future as a family. Shane was still so weak and she was afraid that, if she had showed any doubt, it might cause a setback in his recovery.
How could he say that? How could he assume that?
The day before, Kim had only felt nervous and uncomfortable about Shane's words, but over the course of the night, she had began to resent them. And that just made her feel guilty for harboring resentment toward Shane. He had barely survived and was still injured - and she was angry because he was making assumptions about their future.
A future you told him you wanted.
So maybe there was reason for Shane to assume what he did. As Kim had watched the video again, she heard him echo so many of the things that she had said over the past few months. Most importantly, he had talked about trusting their love, which was what she had accused him of being unable to do that horrible morning when he had pushed her away after they made love.
And that was what was making it so hard for her. She heard Shane on the video and she had been witness to what he said to Andrew the day before, but her mind kept picturing that morning in their bedroom. She heard him question her fidelity and saw him pull away from her right after she told him that she trusted their love.
The Shane Donovan in the hospital, Kim had no doubt, truly believed that everything could change and they could have an idyllic life as a family. But how long would that Shane Donovan remain? When life did not turn out so idyllic, would he decide he could no longer trust Kim? Would he bring up her past again?
And if he found out what she had planned to do with Cal to save Kayla? Would he understand that? Could he forgive it?
Kim set down the remote and stared at the television. Why can't I trust you? she asked. Why can't I trust us?
She recognized the irony. Before, it had been Shane who was unwilling to trust their love. Now, she was the one who was hesitant.
From behind her came a knock on the library door. Kim turned around to see Simmons in the doorway.
"Excuse me, Madame," he said. "I just wanted to let you know that the children have finished their dinner."
Kim nodded. "Thank you, Simmons." It was only when he did not step out of the room that she realized there was more on his mind. "Is there something else?"
"Um . . . Master Andrew asked about his father," Simmons said. "I did not hear any news today, so I thought you might be able to tell him."
Kim looked down, trying to hide her discomfort. "I would, but I didn't get a chance to see him earlier." Seeking an excuse, she lied. "I had a . . . a bit of a crisis at the clinic."
"Oh, I see, Madame." Simmons pursed his lips. "I do know that Master Andrew was asking about when he could visit the hospital. Perhaps you could go tonight. I could watch Miss Jeannie."
How do I answer that? Kim wondered. She hated lying to Simmons, but she also did not feel comfortable seeing Shane right now - especially if Andrew was going to be there.
"I'm not sure I should," she said, quickly trying to come up with another excuse. "I think I'm coming down with something and . . . well, I don't think it's a good idea. That's the last thing Shane needs."
She held her breath, hoping that sounded convincing.
It must have, because Simmons just nodded. "Very well, Madame. Master Andrew will be disappointed."
Kim knew that was true, but then she had an idea. "Simmons, why don't you take Andrew to see Shane? It's only 6:30 and you could be back before his bedtime. That way he can see his father and we won't have to worry about me giving Shane this cold or whatever it is."
She caught a look of doubt on Simmons' face, but it disappeared quickly. "Of course," he said. "I will collect Master Andrew."
"Great," Kim replied as she watched Simmons leave. Then she closed her eyes momentarily. She hated this uncertainty. She wanted to be able to tell Shane she loved him and they would have a happy future together. In her heart, she wanted that more than anything.
But her doubt was still there.
Opening her eyes, she looked once more at the television and Shane's earnest expression from the video. She needed to think some more. Jumping back into a relationship and acting like everything was fine would be just like when Shane recovered his memory. Kim would not repeat that mistake. She picked up the remote once more and clicked the "power" button. The image of Shane disappeared as the screen went dark.
"I'm sorry, Shane," Kim whispered. "I'm just not sure."