All things Twilight belong to Stephenie Meyer; I just like to play with her characters.
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HUGE thanks to my betas darcysmom and twimom817 as well as my pre-reader EdwardsMyObsession1971 – these ladies make my words better.
Never Let Go
Chapter Thirty-One
EPOV
To say that Bella had made some serious steps toward recovery would be an understatement. Monumental would be a better way to describe it. Since our weekend at the cabin where everything vile had come spewing out of her, Bella had been lighter, but it took everything she had to get through the weeks following. Her nightmares were awful, and after a while, we figured out that I was at the root of everything.
Bella was so afraid of losing me that she couldn't see past her fear. When she finally told me that I was everything to her and that she was so afraid of losing me and in turn my mom and dad, it wrecked me. It was then that the depths of our feelings for each other really sunk in, and our relationship got better when we didn't think it possible.
We grew closer physically and emotionally.
Bella started with a new therapist, Claire, who seemed to be a lot more helpful to her than the last therapist, who seemed to channel Renee's distaste for Bella's and my relationship.
Speaking of Renee – Bella had spoken to her briefly before Renee started begging her to come to Phoenix to visit. Bella was sitting in my lap at the time, and I'm glad she was because I could feel her panic the moment it crept in. Although I hadn't voiced it, my biggest fear was that Bella would go back to Phoenix to try and patch up the relationship with her mother and end up staying there. I knew it was an irrational fear, because Bella didn't want to talk about Phoenix much less think about going there – even if it was to visit. Sometimes my old fears crept back into my mind and I worried that I wouldn't be enough to keep Bella in Forks. When her panic subsided, Bella erased my fears that I wasn't enough for her.
Bella also applied to University of Washington in Seattle – more affectionately known as UDub. When she first told me that she was working on her entrance essay, I was pleasantly surprised. I worried for her that it would be more than she could handle having to go to school in a different environment. I won't say that it was easier for her to go back to Forks High School, but it helped that she knew quite a few people on campus and it helped her that Jazz, Alice, Lauren, Leah, and I were all there. She found her strength in familiarity. She wouldn't have that at UDub because of the size of the campus.
I sent my own application off to UDub soon after Bella told me she was applying. I didn't want to be separated from her regardless of where the scouts wanted me to go.
After Thanksgiving dinner, Bella and I went down to the basement to watch movies and we had a very serious chat about the fact that we didn't want to be separated from each other and we came to an agreement that we would do the best we could to accommodate each other's dreams while staying together.
Bella continued to make slow but steady progress after that. Her phone calls to her mother seemed to get better and that eased Bella's mind a bit. We spent our first Christmas together as a couple and more than anything, I was happy for Bella's presence in my life. Over Christmas break, Bella, Jasper, Alice and I, drove to Seattle to hang out with Emmett and Rosalie. The girls had slipped into some store in the mall we were walking through when Emmett asked me if I was planning on anything special for Bella for Valentine's Day.
"Can't we get through Christmas, Em?" Jasper whined.
"Christmas was like a week ago, dude. It's almost New Year's and before we know it, it'll be Valentine's Day. I was merely asking Eddie if he was planning something special for Bella since it's their first Valentine's Day together."
I shook my head with a laugh.
"I hadn't really thought about it, man, but I guess I should. You're right, it'll be the first time that we're really together together for Valentine's Day, and Bella would probably like that right?"
"Ed," Jasper grinned. "Bella's not going to care as long as you guys are together. She's not into gifts or material things, although she does appreciate thoughtful things. She'd probably be happy with dinner and a movie."
After the guys put that thought into my head, I decided to make dinner reservations. It had been a while since Bella and I had been out anywhere. The last time I could remember us being out together outside of Forks was when we'd gone to her old therapist in Port Angeles after the weekend at the cabin when she'd purged herself of all her demons.
I thought I'd have to persuade her to go out in the evening, but when I told her I wanted to take her to dinner, she went willingly. I felt a little nervous when I showed up on Charlie's porch that night, and Charlie's smirk when he answered the door didn't help either. I can only imagine what he thought when he opened the door to find me standing there with a bouquet of roses for his daughter.
Bella was absolute perfection walking down the stairs. She looked gorgeous with her long, dark hair flowing down her back and around her shoulders. Bella was concentrating on her footing on the stairs and was absentmindedly biting her lower lip. I can't remember exactly what it was that she wore that night, but I'll never forget how I peeled it off of her later that night in my bedroom.
Nor will I ever forget how sweet and breathy her voice sounded when she told me that she wanted me – all of me. I was shocked to say the least, but I couldn't help but give myself an internal fist pump, because after all, I was an eighteen year old guy.
I decided that it would be easier on Bella if I stripped first. It wasn't easy feeling so exposed, but it was Bella and I could only imagine how she'd feel when I finally removed all of her clothing. I'd like to think she felt relaxed. I asked her to close her eyes and concentrate on how she felt – what I was doing to her and I hoped with everything in me that all the love I felt for her was obvious to her. I knew it would be over sooner than either of us would have liked for it to be, but Bella seemed completely sated when I came back from the bathroom. She snuggled into my embrace, and I hated to let her go.
I dreaded the fact that we were getting closer to spring break. I hated the thought that Bella wanted to go to Phoenix by herself, and I think it was one of the worst disagreements we'd ever been in. She was adamant about going by herself if only to prove that she could, but she didn't need to prove that to anyone and that's what she was failing to understand.
I was ecstatic when Claire finally seemed to get through to her that she needed someone there with her that knew how to handle her panic attacks in the event that something happened. When Charlie said he'd get me a ticket to fly with both he and Bella to Phoenix – I was at a loss for words.
"Edward, Son, I'm going to go ahead and book you a ticket to come with me and Bella. I know how worried you are about the entire trip – hell, I'm worried too. I think it would be a good idea if you were there. I know that Bella is trying to be strong and do this on her own … what crawled up her ass and made her decide all of a sudden she needs to do this, I'll never know, but I'll support her however I can and if that means that I need to make sure that you are there too, I'll do it, no questions asked."
"Thanks, Charlie. I appreciate it. I know she wants to prove to herself that she can do this, but I'm scared to death that she's going to have a panic attack and we won't be there. I'm afraid that if that were to happen, Renee would try and persuade her to stay. We can't lose her, Charlie."
My last few words were only a whisper, but I'm sure Charlie heard them loud and clear.
BPOV
After Valentine's Day, Edward and I were closer than we'd ever been before. He said our relationship was more solid and it was – we'd given ourselves to each other in every way. My only regret that night as Edward drove me home was that I couldn't stay with him. I dozed in his arms for a while afterward, and it was the best feeling.
Life went on as usual after that. Edward had a grueling baseball schedule, and I tried my best not to miss him too much when we couldn't be together. Esme did her best to make sure that she invited me to every away game she attended so that I could watch him play.
As spring break drew nearer, I discussed my trip with my Dad and again with Edward. I also talked to my therapist about it, and we decided that the best thing might be to have someone travel with me. It was too big a step not to have someone there with me. Edward agreed of course, and so did my Dad. Then came the argument as to who should accompany me – Edward or my Dad. Edward wanted to be there for me and so did my Dad. I don't know if they wanted to be there for emotional support or to protect me – probably a bit of both.
"Edward, you have baseball camp that week. Isn't it important that you go to that instead of following me to Phoenix? I mean, camp will be more fun than Phoenix."
"I know that, Bella and it's okay if I miss camp. It won't be the end of the world. It's not like I get points taken away for missing camp. But I do need to let them know if I'm not going to be attending."
Neither Dad nor Edward would budge, so in the end, Dad ended up booking three tickets to Phoenix and reserving a hotel room for the week. I have to admit that I was kind of relieved, knowing that if I didn't feel comfortable enough to stay at the house with Mom and Phil that I could go back to the hotel and stay. If I went by myself, I wouldn't have had that option.
Mom wasn't crazy about the idea of Dad and Edward accompanying me, but I explained to her that they wouldn't be with me at the house – they'd keep their distance and let us visit without interruption unless I needed them.
"What in the world would you need them for, Isabella?"
"Mom, did you seriously ask me that? I need Edward and Dad for lots of reasons and you of all people should know the reason why."
"Bella, don't be like that. I'm your mom and you'll be with me – couldn't you turn to me like you'd turn to them if you needed someone?"
"Don't be like what, Mom? I know you're my mom and I should turn to you for that very reason, but we haven't been … close. The last few years … I don't know. Edward understands and he and Dad make me feel safe."
I knew my words would probably hurt her, but the truth usually does and I didn't see any point in sugarcoating my feelings even if it was to protect hers.
"Sweetie …."
"I've gotta go, Mom. I'll see you on Friday."
"All right, sweetie. Phil and I will see you at the airport."
"'Kay."
The week before spring break went by much quicker than I would have liked. The only perks were that Dad worked later in the evenings which allowed Edward and I plenty of alone time, and we more than took advantage of it. Since taking our relationship to the next level, we hadn't had a lot of time because of Edward's baseball schedule, but it made the stolen moments more special.
"Ready for today?" Edward asked Friday morning.
We were leaving immediately after school let out so we could catch our flight from Seattle to Phoenix.
"As ready as I'll ever be."
"I'll be with you, Bella. You'll be fine."
Hours later, once we'd settled into our seats on the plane, I reached over and squeezed Edward's hand. For as hard as I'd fought to do this on my own, I was so happy to have him and Dad there with me. When I closed my eyes, memories of the flight back to Seattle from Phoenix, flooded my mind. The only thing that kept me from panicking was the comfort that I got from holding Edward's hand. Knowing that he and my dad were there, helped me breathe a little easier.
I'd forgotten how bright it was in Phoenix, and as soon as I stepped into the warm sunshine, I missed Forks.
"Bella!" My mother shouted from where she stood next to Phil's truck.
Edward squeezed my hand as he stood beside me. This is where we would part. He'd go with Dad to the hotel and I'd go with my mom and Phil to their new house. Dad and Edward walked me over to the truck, and I could tell that Edward hated every minute of what was about to happen. I let go of his hand and embraced my mom as she gushed about how much she missed me and about how much I'd love the new house. As I inhaled the smell of an unfamiliar perfume, my memories hit me like a ton of bricks.
I backed away from my mom as if she'd burned me.
"Bella?" Edward asked worried.
"I can't do this …."
"Can't do what honey?" Mom asked.
"I need Edward," I murmured, reaching out for his hand.
"I'm right here, Boo." Edward whispered, as he wrapped his arms around me. "What do you need?"
"I can't go to their house without you."
Edward held me in his arms, gently rubbing circles across my back.
"Bella …" I heard my mom huff.
"Renee … you're going to let Bella do this her way," admonished Dad.
I'm sure that my dad only wanted to remind Mom of what they had talked about when he spoke to her not long after I first told him that I wanted to come to Phoenix to visit. Dad had a long involved chat with Mom on the phone, telling her all about my therapy and how I was progressing. He worried that a trip to Phoenix would set me back, and as I stood there in Edward's arms, I couldn't help but think he was right.
"Charlie …"
"No! Damn it! For once in your life, Renee … consider how your daughter feels. She's got to do this on her own without you pushing her or looking down on her. Let her be, or I can march right back into that terminal and change our return flight and we can go back home."
"No. Bella, sweetie, I want you here. I don't get to see you enough as it is. If you need Edward to come over with you for a little while, I suppose that would be okay."
Edward kissed my forehead and softly asked me if I would be okay to go to my mom's if he came with me and I nodded my head.
"Yeah, but please don't leave me."
"I'll never leave you," He whispered.
I sat next to Edward in the back of Phil's truck. He'd gotten a new truck since I'd left Phoenix, but it was similar to the one I remembered. Dad promised that he'd pick up the rental car and check into the hotel before joining us at the house for dinner. Phil insisted that Dad come over and join us that evening, much to my mom's dismay. She didn't seem to want to share me, but at the same time, I don't think she realized how much I needed the two men who'd accompanied me on my trip. I felt like a fool for thinking I could have made the trip without them.
We pulled up in front of an unfamiliar house on the outskirts of Phoenix. It was clearly in an upper-class neighborhood as we had to stop at a gate to get into the community. There was another gate surrounding the house and we sat in the truck until the gate was closed behind us. As it closed, the garage door opened and Phil pulled in. When the garage door was completely closed, Phil gave us the all-clear to get out of the truck.
"Don't worry about your things for now, Bella. Bring in only the essentials. I'll get your luggage later." Phil said with a sad smile.
I watched warily as he took my mom's hand and led her to the door. He punched in a code on a hidden panel and unlocked the door.
"Come on in, guys."
Edward kept his hand at the small of my back as I followed Phil and my mom into the house. It was much larger than the last house, and it was light and airy. The kitchen opened into a large dining room and an adjoining family room. On the opposite side of the house was a circular alcove that led to what I assumed were the bedrooms. There were no dark hallways – in fact there was light everywhere.
"Bella, sweetie … let me show you your bedroom. I really think you're going to like it. Phil worked so hard on it."
Mom opened one of the doors and led Edward and I into a huge guest suite. It was much larger than the room I'd had at the old house. The décor was sophisticated and pretty. Pale gray walls, trimmed in soft white with rich, dark furniture adorned the room while bedding in various shades of purple sat upon the bed and hung from the windows.
"This is really nice, Mom."
"Do you like it, sweetie? Phil wanted it to be really beautiful for you so you have a nice relaxing space when you visit."
"Yeah, I do like it." I smiled.
"Good. You even have your own bathroom. We didn't want you to have to share a guest bathroom, so …."
"Thanks. This is great, Mom."
"You're welcome, sweetie. Phil's getting your bags, so we'll give you a little while to settle in and then we can chat, okay?"
"Sure."
Edward stepped out of the way for mom to leave the room while I continued to look at everything.
I barely heard Phil come into the room and leave my bags on the chair.
"Bella … are you okay, baby?"
"Yeah," I sighed. "Thanks for coming with me."
I wrapped my arms around his waist and hugged him tightly, burying my face into his chest.
"Are you sure you're okay?"
"Mmmhmm … but I'm not sure how I'm going to do here without you."
"If you don't want me to leave, I won't, baby."
"I know, Edward. I only hope that Mom will let you stay."
"We'll deal with that later, Boo. For now, I think you need to take a deep breath and breathe for a bit. I think it was a lot for you just to get here."
I nodded.
"I guess we should hang out with Phil and Mom for a while before Dad gets here."
"I can stay in here or go for a walk … I don't want to impose on your time with your mom, baby."
"I know I thought I could do this on my own, Edward, but the truth is – I'm glad you came. I don't know what I was thinking … I wanted to do this to prove to myself that I could. I thought that if I came here for spring break that it would make going to college in the fall easier somehow …."
"Bella," Edward sighed, sitting on the bed and pulling me to stand between his knees. "I know you want to be better – to be okay with things, but you can't do that by pushing yourself. You're getting better and better every day. You've come a long way since the beginning of the school year. Hell, you've come a long way since you let me back into your life. Today … today was huge, baby. You got on a plane and you didn't panic once. You're in Phoenix with your mom – and I was so thankful when you realized at the airport that you needed me to come with you."
"I hated that I felt that way." I whispered. "I don't like having to constantly ask for your help, it makes me feel weak."
"You're not weak, baby. You're so fucking strong. Asking for help doesn't make you weak, it makes you human. You can't hold the weight of everything on your shoulders, Bella. When you ask for help, you're only asking me to help you with your burden, and I'll gladly help – any time."
I heard a gasp behind me and I turned to see my mom leaning in the doorway. Her eyes were flooded with tears but I couldn't gauge how long she'd been standing there.
"Mom?"
"Come on, guys, let's go in the living room to talk."
I watched as she turned from the doorway and walked away. I looked back at Edward who had a blank look on his face. He shrugged and I leaned down to kiss him softly.
"I love you."
"I love you too, Bella."
Mom was curled up next to Phil on one end of the sofa when Edward and I walked into the living room. They seemed so comfortable in the new house and the thought of how happy they were here, made me smile. Edward and I sat down on the opposite end of the sofa with only a few inches between us. I hated the small space between us, but figured it was better to have it with my mom sitting across from us.
"I think I owe the two of you an apology," Mom said softly. "I wasn't shy about the fact that I didn't want Edward to come, but now – now that you're here, I can see that it was wrong of me to want that. It's so obvious how much comfort you bring Bella, Edward. I may not understand your relationship, but I can't deny what's right in front of me.
"After everything I've gone through, I understand your need to keep Edward close by, sweetie. I also know that it wasn't always that way. Your dad told me that you pushed Edward away for a year after you went back to Forks, and I can understand why you did that and how hard it was. After I woke up in the hospital and realized what had happened to me, I didn't understand how Phil could even look at me let alone spend every minute he possibly could by my side."
"I love you, 'Nee. It's that simple."
Phil's voice was soft, but I could see from the expression on his face that he meant every word.
"I know what you see, Bella and it's the same way Edward looks at you. I didn't want to see it because I was afraid you'd end up like me – with a life I was miserable in and the only way out was to run and find my own way."
"Mom … you didn't have to run. If you'd have told Dad you were miserable, he would have let you go. He would have hated every minute of it, but he would have. He never wanted you to be unhappy."
"You don't know that, Bella." Mom laughed. "Your father loves fiercely."
"He does, but he also knows that if you love something, you have to let it breathe. He's done that very thing for me for the last two years. At times it may have been against his better judgment, but he did it because he knew it was what I needed."
"Your father's always been so good to you, sweetie. I know he loves you – that's never been a question. I do regret taking you away from him – I know you both suffered because of it, but I couldn't imagine leaving you behind. You're my daughter, I love you and I wanted you with me. I know that things weren't always easy, but we got through them together. We didn't have a chance to get through our assault together."
I squeezed Edward's hand as I looked over at my mom. Tears were silently falling from her eyes. I don't know if they were tears of regret over what happened or if they were tears of regret that she hadn't allowed me to stay with Dad like I'd wanted to.
"Mom … you can't think that way. I'm where I've wanted to be for so long. I wish I didn't have to go back to Dad's under the circumstances I did, but I'm happy. I wanted to be there for years, but I always felt that I needed to stay with you because you needed me more than Dad and Edward did. When you met Phil and I got to know him, I realized that you didn't need me anymore. I should have kept my promise to Edward and moved back to Forks when you moved us from Las Vegas to Phoenix, but I didn't, and that's something that I have to live with."
"I'm sorry that you have to live with the consequences of my choices, sweetie. You'll never know how truly sorry I am. I'm glad that you're back where you wanted to be and that you're happy there. I'd like to think that you were happy here with us, but I know you missed Edward and your Dad."
I nodded.
Phil sighed and I could tell that the heavy conversation was taking its toll on him – the tone of the conversation wasn't easy on anyone.
"Bella, Charlie has done his best to keep us up on what's going on with you. We know that things weren't easy on you when you went back to Forks. The first year was especially bad he said." Phil admitted quietly.
"It was awful. I relived what happened for months – in my dreams and while I was awake. There were days I could barely function. I'm glad that Dad was one of the few people to see me like that."
Hot tears ran down my face and Edward pulled me into his arms, whispering in my ear that I was okay.
"Your mom was the same way, Bella. She was in the hospital for six weeks and when she came home – she was a mess. Life was hard on both of us. I had to be there for your mom and find a place that she'd be comfortable enough to come home to. There was an endless stream of doctor's appointments and therapy – both physical and mental. It was a struggle for her every day and knowing that you weren't here hurt her."
"Phil …" Mom interrupted. "Bella … please don't think that I was upset because you left. It took me a while to realize that it was the only option. Neither Phil nor I was in a place where we could have cared for you. I couldn't care for myself let alone anyone else, and Phil was so busy taking care of me and making sure that I was safe and comfortable. I hated that your dad had to come get you. I hated that you were hurt and scared – no mother ever wishes that on her child. I'm so glad that he didn't hesitate and that Carlisle came with him and took over your care. I want you to be safe and healthy, sweetie. You need to be whole and happy, Bella."
"I'm getting there, Mom. I know I needed to come down here to see you and to face this irrational fear that I have of Phoenix. Claire … she's my therapist … she said I needed to mend my relationship with you before I can truly move on and live the normal life I crave. I feel like it's something I need to do before school starts in the fall."
"I can't believe you're graduating high school this year and you'll be starting college in the fall. Where has the time gone? It seems like yesterday that you were starting kindergarten and you brought home this little boy with messy hair. You were so proud of yourself for making a friend on the very first day, and you proclaimed that he was your best friend. He has been ever since.
"Sweetie, I can apologize until I'm blue in the face, but it still won't be enough because I can't tell you how sorry I am that I took you away from all that. I was so selfish, and I didn't stop to think how much my decisions were affecting you. I feel very lucky that you are still talking to me – even if it's not as often as I'd like. You have every right to hate me and resent the choices I made, and I wouldn't blame you if you did."
"I don't hate you, Mom. I've never hated you. I did hate the choices you made, and it made me angry when you didn't listen to what I had to say or discounted my feelings, but I promise you that I never hated you. You're my mom – I love you."
By that point, I was sobbing and the fact that Edward was rubbing gentle circles across my back wasn't helping. I couldn't stop the tears, but he sat there with me, not trying to shush me in the least. When I finally looked up from my lap, I realized that my mom was sitting next to me with her arms open wide. I wasn't ready to remove myself from Edward's lap, but I reached out and hugged my mom and it felt so good. I felt like a weight had lifted from my shoulders in telling her why I was angry at her. I don't know if she listened and she understood why I felt the way I did, but I had to hope.
A/N: So Bella made it to Phoenix and finally had a heart to heart with her mom and Renee is finally starting to understand!
I have to apologize for the long wait between updates, but I've had a difficult time writing the remainder of this story, but rest assured, I did manage to get it all finished and the rest of the chapters are in the capable hands of my betas. That said, as soon as I get them back, I will be posting the chapters as they come back to me from the betas. Thanks for your patience!
Thoughts?