"What am I supposed to do here? There's no hole!"
"Just putt the ball into that space under the fake television. This is the last hole."
"That's no hole."
"Fine, this is the last little crevice-thingy."
Perry was playing Seasonland mini-golf with his son, Palmer. Palmer hadn't really understood the concept of mini-golf yet, but he was getting better.
"I don't get it." Palmer said, putting his red golf ball down on a little snowflake pattern on the ground. "Why don't people just drop the stupid ball in the hole instead of using some club?"
"Because then it would be impossible to lose. And, it would be boring."
Palmer putted his ball. It went right up into the crevice.
"Watch this." Perry said. "A video comes on the television screen."
They waited.
"Are you sure it does?" Palmer asked skeptically.
"Maybe there's a delay."
"That's a big delay."
"Here, you can hit my ball in. See if you can get it to work."
Palmer put Perry's ball on the snowflake and hit it.
It slammed into the side of the crevice and rolled back down.
Palmer hit it again, with the same result. "Okay, now I'm convinced this stupid television thing is broken. No video." He whacked the ball as hard as he could.
It slammed into the television, cracking the glass.
"Well, NOW it's broken." Palmer muttered.
"Great shot! RUN." Perry grabbed Palmer and dragged him away.
"Is mini-golf dangerous?" Palmer asked.
"Not usually."
"But it has clubs in it. That means it's dangerous."
"Not all clubs are dangerous."
Palmer whacked Perry over the head with his golf club. "Did that hurt?"
"OW! YES!"
"Then it's dangerous." Palmer slowed down to a walk.
"YOU'RE dangerous."
Palmer smiled. "Golf is fun."
Perry shrugged. "I guess. I'm not really a sporty guy."
"Me neither. I prefer breaking things. Look, this window here can totally shatter if I use my club-"
Perry steered Palmer away from the window. "Not on my watch."
"Whatcha doin'?" Darren asked, approaching Perry from behind.
"How'd you get in my house?" Perry asked. He was standing on a step-stool, stirring pasta in a pot.
"There's a pet door. Aren't you worried your host family's going to see you cooking?"
"They're out tonight."
"Okay, and SHOULD you be cooking?"
"Technically, no. But practice makes perfect, doesn't it?" Perry started chopping cucumbers.
"Please tell me that's ketchup on your hands."
"Some of it is- OW!"
"Are you okay?"
"Missed the cuke, got my finger. It's okay. It's all intact." Perry wrapped his finger in a towel. "What are you doing here?"
"Pinky's been spreading a rumor around that you're having a party for your fourth-year anniversary!"
"Huh? Oh. Right."
"Why is it four years, anyway?" Darren counted on his fingers. "You're six. You've been going here since before you were a year old."
"I took a couple years off, remember? One year I got off when I was in that movie. The other year I took off after Terrence died. It was really only a few months off, but I guess Monogram isn't keeping such good track."
"Oh. Anyway, I didn't believe Pinky for an instant. A party? You? I mean, those two words can only go in one sentence, and it also has to have the word 'hate' in it. You can't even get five feet near a party without scowling-"
"I am having a party."
Darren stared at him. "Why?"
"Why not?" Perry retorted, draining the pasta into a colander. "Why is everyone making such a huge deal out of this? OW!" He jerked back as some of the water splashed on his arm.
"You just… well, you hate parties!"
"I know, but maybe I just want to try one or something to see if I can… like it more. I don't know." Perry turned on the cold water and stuck his arm under the faucet.
"You really shouldn't be cooking. You're not very good at it." Darren warned.
"I'm fine. Only seven cuts and one burn. That's a new record. And no broken plates." Perry tipped over a glass, which crashed to the floor.
"I'm guessing that glass isn't going to count." Darren said.
"I'm getting better." Perry stuck the pasta on a plate and decorated it with cucumber slices.
"What's that for?"
"I'm gonna eat it with my show. Usually I splurge on junk food, but last week I gained three whole pounds. So this is a healthy alternative: The pasta supplies the bready taste of most chips, and the cucumber supplies the crunchyness." Perry took his plate over to the couch, sat down, and switched the TV on.
"And now, the next episode of: 'I Thought You Hated Me'." The TV said.
"Last week, Jerona was dating Mike, but he thought she hated him so he started dating Alena, even though Jerona really hated Gerard and not Mike. So then when she found out Mike was dating Alena, she got mad at him and now she hates him. And Alena hates Jerona because she knows Mike still loves her, even though Jerona hates him." Perry explained to Darren.
"I love you." Said a woman on the TV.
"Well, I hate you." Said a man.
"But I hate you more!" Said the woman.
Darren looked at Perry. "Are you… crying?"
"It's just so romantic!" Perry sobbed.
"This coming from the guy who bought his girlfriend a spare tire for her birthday."
"She kept complaining about how her scooter's tire was always coming loose. Besides, she's just a friend."
"Still, girlfriend or not, girls kind of prefer flowers."
"Hush, I think they're about to kiss!"
The man and the woman did kiss. "I hate you." Said the woman.
"But I still love you." Said the man.
"Do they say ANYTHING without the words 'hate' and 'love'?" Darren asked.
Perry blew his nose into a tissue. "Tthhhey're so g-g-good together!"
"You need to get out more."
Perry wiped his eyes. "If you're not going to watch this, then you can go."
"I'll just eat with you, then." Darren pulled a few cartons out of his fur pockets.
"Dude, how do you fit all that- wait- is that Chinese food?"
"Yep." Darren pulled out some chopsticks and opened the carton. "Vegetarian, of course. You want some? I have plenty."
"I probably shouldn't…"
"Suit yourself." Darren dug into his tofu rice.
"Smells really good, though." Perry said. "There's some kind of spicy sauce on it, isn't there?"
"Yep."
"It sure smells good."
Darren sighed and thrust a carton into Perry's hand. "Take some."
"If you insist." Perry said happily, prying open the box.
"Do you know how hard it is to find a Chinese restaurant that doesn't serve duck?" Darren said. "I love Chinese food more than anything, but I don't love it enough to resort to cannibalism."
"Better Panda falls into that category."
"Yep. And it's close, too."
"Excuse me a moment." Perry leaned over the side of the couch and threw up on the rug.
"Are you okay?" Darren asked.
"Chinese food makes me sick."
"Then maybe you shouldn't eat it."
"It tastes good, though." Perry dumped some more rice into his mouth.
"Perry threw up on the rug again!" Phineas called.
Linda groaned and walked over to where Phineas was pointing.
Perry sat contentedly on the couch, all evidence of his soap-opera night gone.
"Are those Chinese noodles?" Phineas asked.
"I told Candace not to leave the cupboards open." Linda said. "He probably got in there and ate something."
"Admire the rug art while it's here." Perry chattered.
Linda sprayed some liquid on the spot and wiped it up.
"Art hater." Perry accused.
"Ferb and I are going to build a limousine." Phineas said.
"Your imagination is adorable." Linda said as she left.
Perry sighed and rolled over, suddenly very tired.
"Guess what, Perry?" Phineas said. "I had a dream about you last night."
"Yippee." Perry chirped.
"I dreamed that you came in through the pet flap all beaten up, and you were talking to Ferb and I about some O.W.C.A and about how we had to take something… I forget what… and you said it was too late for you, and then we put you in a platypus curer we built. Then I woke up."
Perry tried his best to keep his expression mindless. Phineas' mind wipe was wearing off a little. If Phineas thought too much about whatever it was he had forgotten, he would remember it again…
Perry didn't care if Phineas remembered his part in the battle in the second dimension, or his help in the O.W.C.A/Rogue battle. But Monogram did.
And Perry did NOT want to be relocated.
"It was weird. The dream almost seemed real." Phineas said.
Perry chattered and drooled on the couch cushion, trying to look as stupid as possible.
"Dreams are junk that your brain is trying to get rid of." Phineas said.
"That's poetic." Perry responded.
Phineas gave Perry a pat and left the room.
Perry sighed and leaned back on the couch cushion.
"Always include others!"
"GAAAH!" Perry yanked Carlos the caring clown out from behind the couch cushion. Carlos was undoubtedly his least favorite toy.
"You're a great friend!" Carlos said.
"I HATE YOU!" Perry threw Carlos against the wall.
"You are such a loving friend!" Carlos said as he hit the floor.
Linda kept buying more Carloses each time Perry destroyed one. The first Carlos had exploded in the toilet, the second in the microwave, and the third had been ruthlessly destroyed when Perry was in a bad mood.
Getting rid of Carlos IV would be wonderful.
Perry just had to think of a creative way to do it.
He picked up Carlos in his mouth and carried him over to the kitchen.
"Hello, Perry." Said Ferb. He was sitting at the kitchen table.
"Hello, Ferb. I am going to destroy Carlos."
Perry jumped up on the kitchen counter and dropped Carlos in the sink. He jammed Carlos down the disposal.
Then he padded over to the disposal switch and flipped it on.
"GNNANANNANANANAAAAAARRRRRRRR." Said the disposal.
"Always- friendddd-caaaarrrriiiinnnnnggggg..." Said Carlos.
Carlos spun around and around as he began to tear apart.
Ferb watched the event, his eyes wide with shock.
Perry chattered happily as Carlos' arm flew through the air and landed on the ceiling fan.
"You're supposed to turn the water on before you run the disposal." Ferb said quietly.
"Gnakakakkakakaka."