From the wounded expression she saw before Shane turned away, Kim realized that her words were not coming out the way she intended. She had not wanted to hurt him, but he looked crushed.
"I don't mean-"
Shane cut her off. "It's okay. You don't have to explain. I think I know why." He was looking down at his hands, unwilling to meet her eyes. "There's just one thing I don't understand. The other day, with the children. You said we'd be a family-"
"No," Kim said, shaking her head. "You said we'd be a family. You didn't ask me. We never discussed it. And how could I say anything with Andrew there."
The pained look began to disappear from Shane's face. As she watched, his jaw tightened and he took a short breath as if forcing himself to shut off his emotions.
"Please . . . don't," she said. "Just listen to me."
His face was now impassive, but betrayed slightly by the tremor of the muscle at the back of his jaw. Shane sounded unemotional when he finally responded. "It's okay. I guess I shouldn't have assumed anything. It makes sense that . . . after what I did, you'd want to move on."
Kim tried not to scream in exasperation. Sometimes Shane could be so maddening.
But, as Shane fell silent, Kim felt the stabbing guilt. How many times in the past few months had she told him she believed in their love and their future? How could she expect Shane to understand that had changed; she doubted he fully understood how terribly hurt she had been after their night together.
Kim used the silence to take a seat beside his bed. She reached out and took his hand in hers.
"Please . . . listen to me, Shane. I'm not saying it's over."
He looked up and she saw his lip quiver slightly. "I don't understand. You just said-"
"I said I'm not sure about our future," Kim explained. "That doesn't mean I'm going to throw everything we have out the window."
"So what does that mean?" He sounded confused and frustrated, even though she could tell he was trying to tamp down on any emotion. "You won't come back to me, but it's not over?"
Kim squeezed his hand. "I mean it's . . . . I just . . . I just need some time to figure out if this is the right thing to do. After what happened-"
"I panicked." This time the emotion burst through Shane's walls. "Can't you see that? It was stupid and I know that now. I'm not going to push you away again. Please, I don't want to lose you."
Her chest tightened at the pain she saw in his eyes. "I don't think I want to lose you, either," Kim breathed. "I just don't know if I can handle the pain of you pushing me away again." She raised her hand, stopping him as he began to protest. "I know you're going to say you won't do that again . . . and I think you really believe you won't. I just need to decide if I can believe it."
Shane fell silent and pulled his hand free. His eyes did not meet hers. "I don't know what I can do to convince you. I . . . I know I hurt you that day, but I can't change the past. If you won't believe me when I say I learned from that, I don't know how to convince you."
Kim's heart was at war with itself. She wanted to give in and tell him she believed him just to take away his pain. Yet she remembered her own pain and did not want to open herself up to another heartbreak.
"It's not you, Shane," she said softly. "It's me. I need to figure this out. I never wanted to hurt you. I wanted to wait until you were stronger, so we could really talk."
He raised his head and faced her, exposing in his eyes the hurt that she had hoped to avoid. "Then why didn't you?"
"I'm sorry," Kim said. "I couldn't. Not after what you said to Andrew and not after what Eve told me."
Shane's eyes narrowed. "What did Eve tell you?"
"About the trial and what you said to Mickey." Kim watched as Shane pursed his lips and looked away again. "Why, Shane?" she asked. "Wasn't the whole point of pleading guilty so we could be together? I don't understand why you'd change your mind."
"I can't," Shane said sharply, but then his voice grew quiet. "If I plead guilty, I'd be walking away from you and our children without a fight. How can I do that? I don't even know Jeannie. . . . How can I just abandon her for the next three years?"
Kim was confused. Shane had said repeatedly that he had no hope of defeating the charges. "But what about the ISA? You said they were going to fix the judge and jury. If you don't plead guilty, you could miss all of your children's lives. Wasn't that the point of what you said on that tape? Pleading guilty meant we could be together even if it meant waiting a few years."
"And what good would that do when you can't even say you want to be with me now?" Shane asked, failing to fully conceal a bitter undertone.
"Shane . . . please." Kim's words were barely above a whisper. "I can't commit to anything right now. Give me time to figure things out."
He closed his eyes, but nodded lightly. Then he opened his eyes, and she could see that he was fighting tears. He took a deep breath. "I'm going to fight these charges because I am not ready to walk away from you and our children. By the same token, I'm going to fight for you. Maybe I assumed too much the other day, but I'm not giving up. I will bloody well do whatever it takes to convince you that I mean it when I say I'll never push you away again."
I hope you can, Kim thought. I really hope you can.
"I mean it, Kim," Shane said, his tone strong and earnest. "I won't give up on us."
He reached for her hand, but when his fingers brushed hers, she pulled away. It tore at her insides to see the pain so visible on Shane's face, but he looked down and studied the hand that had just touched her.
The room fell silent, neither of them really knowing what to say.
Finally, Shane sighed and said, "A few minutes ago, everything seemed so perfect. Marcus just told me I can go home tomorrow. It's like a farce."
Kim understood what Shane was saying. How many times in their lives had she cursed their timing? It was like whenever something good happened to them, it was just a momentary lull before the next trial. The curse of bad timing.
"So will you be moving the children out of the house?" Shane asked.
The question came as a total surprise. Kim had never even contemplated moving out of Shane's. "I . . . I don't know," she said. Then she thought about Shane's condition and how he still had the trial coming up, and she shook her head. "No . . . I couldn't do that to you - or the children. I think you need this time together."
Still not looking at her, Shane said, "Thank you, at least, for that." The room fell into another awkward silence.
"Shane. . . ." Kim's voice trailed off. If she said anything more, she probably would just hurt him even worse.
He slid down in the bed and started to turn onto his side - away from her - but he winced and returned to his back. Keeping his eyes averted, he said quietly, "Marcus said I should rest."
Kim just nodded and stood up. "I'll let Simmons know you're being released. He'll probably want to get your room ready and spend tonight cooking up a storm."
That elicited no response from Shane, who just closed his eyes. Kim again felt herself wanting to give in, wanting to tell him that she did trust their love. But she heard the echo of Shane's voice telling her that he could not go through her walking away from him, and she felt the same pain from his mistrust that she had felt that morning after they made love.
Kim fought back some tears as she watched Shane pretend to fall asleep. She debated repeating that she was not ready to give up on their love either - that she just needed time - but she doubted he would understand. For now, there was nothing left to say.