Neal's mind was racing as he moved aimlessly around his loft at June's. He replayed the events of the day in his mind over and over, but still came to the same conclusions. Peter's anger at Neal accidentally concealing information regarding Keller's whereabouts should have faded away in light of the fact that Neal pretty much saved the day. No matter how Peter wanted to look at it, if it hadn't been for Neal, they would have lost not one, but two original Matisse paintings, and had two criminals walking free.
He made himself some coffee, some amazing Kopi Luwak coffee that June had imported especially from Indonesia. He smiled at the smell and took a sip. Perfect. He could drink it unadulterated with cream or sugar. Neal sat down on the couch and tried to distract himself with a new book, but soon found he had read, and reread, the same paragraph five or six times and still hadn't absorbed anything. He set the book down when he remembered his brand new calligraphy pen set. After another cup of coffee, he sat down at the table with his new pen and nibs, a soft toothbrush, a towel, and a small bowl of water and dishsoap. He began methodically cleaning the nibs. He had just finished drying the third nib when he heard a knock at the door. Neal wasn't sure if he was relieved that Peter finally arrived, or even more anxious now that he was here. He set down the soapy toothbrush and opened the door.
"Come in, Peter. Want a coffee or a beer?" Peter took his suit jacket off and hung it over the back of the couch as he walked through the loft.
"Yeah, a beer sounds great. Thanks." He examined the mess on the table, "Keeping busy, I see."
"Idle hands, and all that." Neal handed Peter the beer, and sat back in front of his dismantled pen set. "I'm removing the manufacturer's oil from the nibs so when I use them the ink won't flow haphazardly." He offered a short explanation, and carefully fitted one of the cleaned nibs into the end of the pen. He placed it back in box, and then looked at Peter expectantly.
Peter sat down at the other end of the table, and tried to sort out his thoughts. Neal couldn't take the silence anymore, and finally blurted out, "Okay, Peter, what? What do you want to talk to me about?"
"The conversation we had yesterday evening. The one we had after you polished off the bottle of whiskey."
Neal felt his anxiety skyrocket. He couldn't remember the specifics of that conversation, but he knew they'd discussed some highly personal and sensitive information. Peter continued, "Do you remember what you said to me?"
Neal shook his head, not trusting himself to speak just yet.
"You said you wanted someone to spank you. That threats of jail, a tracking anklet, and scolding you don't have any effect on you." Peter picked at the label of the beer with his thumbnail, and waited for Neal to speak.
There were so many concerns Peter had with this, he couldn't believe he'd listened to Elizabeth and was trying to have this conversation with Neal. If word of this got out, he could face an inquiry at work—all the cases he consulted in with Neal could be brought under review. It could even be spun that Peter had sexually assaulted or molested Neal. That was the furthest thing from his mind, but still, spanking Neal could be grounds for harassment charges. He was also deeply concerned that by bringing this up, he'd scare Neal or in some way damage their relationship. Peter took a deep breath and started to stand.
"I'm sorry, this was a bad idea."
"No, wait. Wait. Please sit back down, Peter." Neal was in complete and utter shock. He wasn't even sure he'd heard Peter right. "I said that?"
"Yeah." Peter took a gulp of his beer. "Now that you're sober, do you feel that way still?"
Neal ran his hands through his hair. "Did I tell you that Ellen used to spank me?"
Peter nodded, so Neal continued, "It sounds strange to say, but it made me feel like she cared. Like she didn't give up on me."
Neal paused, deliberating over his next word choice.
"I know I'm an adult, Peter. But sometimes I feel out of control. Like the only time there are consequences is when it's something huge. Huge, like, being arrested and thrown in jail. I don't think normal people think that way. That they can do whatever they want, whenever they want." Neal fiddled with this coffee mug, lining the handle up perfectly with the edge of the table.
He added softly, "You're the only person that's ever consistently given me boundaries."
Peter snorted. "Yeah, and you completely disregard them-like today."
"Yeah, I do. And that's why I said what I did. Because I'm scared one day you're going to decide that you're gonna give up and send me back to jail." Neal dropped his gaze, unable to look at Peter now that he'd vocalized some of his darker fears.
Peter's eyebrows were raised as he listened to Neal's observations. After a minute of heavy silence he realized Neal wasn't going to say anything else. He spoke, "Are you asking me to give you consequences to the boundaries I already give you?"
Neal looked up at Peter. He nodded his head.
Peter set his beer down. "I need to hear you say it, Neal. Just because…" his voice trailed off uncertainly.
Neal shoved his hands into his pockets. Neal knew that he was giving off extremely defensive body signals, but didn't really care.
Peter was quiet for a moment, and then spoke. "I was terrified when you left the van today. I thought Keller was going to shoot you. And you walked right up to him! Did you forget how dangerous he is?! I watched him shoot at Diana, and then the next thing I know you're standing in front of him!" Neal looked up in surprise at Peter's tone. "And then, Ammon. That sack of...Do you have any idea how I felt, knowing someone who hurt you like that was close enough to fucking hug you?! And you let him!" Peter took a deep breath, trying to control the rage that was threatening to boil up inside him. He knew Neal would think he was furious at him, and not understand he was furious at the situation he put himself in with Ammon. He tried to explain, "Look, sitting in the van, watching you bounce between those two, all I could think was that I was about to lose you." Peter paused, because Neal was now hunched over and staring at his feet.
Peter got up and walked over to Neal. He put one hand on Neal's shoulder, and reached out and touched Neal's chin with his other, "look at me, Neal." He waited until he had Neal's attention.
"Why do you disobey my instructions? Your choices are going to end you up in jail or killed!" Peter's exasperation was evident.
Neal took a deep breath and blurted out, "I don't mean to!"
Peter sighed and stepped away from Neal before he started yelling furiously at him. He walked over to the window and gazed out on the city, hands on his hips, confounded at Neal's determination to disregard everything Peter told him. His thoughts were churning into a million different directions.
Neal watched Peter, nervously. Anytime Peter was angry with him it left Neal feeling helpless and desperate. Peter was the only constant in Neal's life, and Neal couldn't stomach the thought of Peter sliding the cold and unyielding metal of the handcuffs around his wrists again. Peter only brought up jail when he was really, truly furious. Neal didn't think he seemed that angry, though. He seemed more...defeated.
"I don't mean to," Neal said again, as if he could say it enough times and maybe Peter would finally understand.
"Peter?" Neal took a shaky breath as Peter turned around and looked at Neal with heavy eyes. The words tumbled out of Neal. "I really don't mean to. You're the only one, except Ellen, who's ever expected me to follow the rules. I guess I need help, because I mean to follow the rules, but I can't, but it isn't on purpose, and then you're angry and I can't fix it. Maybe I was right, when I was drunk. That Ellen spanking me worked because I can't do it on my own."
Neal watched Peter closely. He'd been so anxious this entire conversation that he hadn't really gotten a read on his boss. Peter seemed to reach some sort of conclusion because he nodded firmly. "Okay, then, Neal. I'm going to help you to follow my rules. I'm going spank you for your disobedience today, and maybe that will help you choose wisely tomorrow."
Author's Note:
Guys, instead of making you wait until the weekend and posting all three as one chapter, I opted to post them as soon as the beta'ing is done. M, you're a gem, thank you for catching my spelling errors and grammatical mistakes.
Thank you guys for the feedback and reviews and follows! It makes me happy to know you're enjoying the story.
More soon, I promise!