Kim knocked softly on the door to Roman and Marlena's house. Since the reveal of the two Romans a few days earlier, Kim felt like she had been living in some bizarre alternative universe.
Not wanting to have to lie to her family any more than necessary, she had consciously avoided talking to Bo, Kayla, or their parents. That, in turn, had meant more time at the house - with Shane.
True to his word, he had not pushed her and, for the most part, they had simply spent time with the children and shared a quiet meal or two. To Kim's surprise, Eve had joined them for a family dinner. She appeared to be making an effort to get along with Kim.
It was all confusing to Kim. His effort to not push her only made her more conscious of his intent. And even as that made her ache to go to him, it also heightened her doubts. Kim just did not know how to overcome them.
She had debated just coming out and telling Shane about what had happened with Cal. A few times, she had even started to say something, but something always stopped her. Andrew would come running in or Jeannie would need changing or Kim would simply see the exhaustion on Shane's face. Mainly, she would see his exhaustion.
Or maybe those were just excuses. Maybe the truth was that it was only her own fear that kept her from telling Shane. She knew that every question about her future with Shane would be answered in his reaction and, as much as she wanted to put the questions behind her, she was terrified of the answers she might find.
Realizing that she had been standing at the door for a couple of minutes with no answer, Kim raised her hand to knock again. It was possible that they were not home, but Kim knew that Marlena and the Romans were keeping a low profile until the test results were returned.
Just as Kim was about to knock again, the door opened, slightly at first, and then wider as Marlena realized who was at the door.
"Kim." Marlena sounded both surprised and relieved. "Please come in."
"Thanks," Kim said as she entered the house. She looked around but did not see either of the men currently claiming to be her brother. Kim shook her head slightly. It was all so crazy.
"Where is . . . that is where are . . ." Kim sighed and just threw up her hands. "Where are the Romans?"
A small smile crossed Marlena's face. "Confusing isn't it?" Moving to the couch, she said, "One of them is hiding in the kitchen until we found out who was at the door. The other one was going stir crazy and left for a little while."
Before Kim could respond, the curly-haired version of Kim's older brother walked into the room from the kitchen. "I thought that was your voice," he said with a smile. "How's my sis today?"
"I'm fine," Kim replied, returning the smile automatically. Then she caught herself. She still did not know who this guy was, did she? But her eyes and her ears told her she was the older brother she had known all of her life.
Roman, or the man claiming to be him, seemed to sense her hesitation. His eyes narrowed slightly and a frown crossed his face. Turning to Marlena, he said, "I'm going to let you two have some time." Turning back to Kim, he gave another wry smile. "It really is good to see you, Kimmie."
Kim nodded, feeling a tear in her eyes. She could tell that her doubt and hesitation had hurt him, but she did not know what else to do. For the past five years, the man now roaming Salem somewhere had been her big brother in every way. She could not just reject that without more proof.
After he left, Kim turned to Marlena. "This is tearing me up inside. I can't even imagine what it's doing to you."
Kim could see the tears spring to Marlena's eyes. "It's making me insane," she said softly. "If those tests don't come back soon, we may all end up in Bayview."
Moving quickly to Marlena's side, Kim embraced her friend. Marlena seemed to sink into that hug for a few moments, then pulled away and took a deep breath.
"I'm okay," she said softly. "The waiting is just getting to all of us."
Kim nodded. "I know. Hopefully, the ISA will have the answers we all need soon."
Marlena scoffed. "That's part of the problem. I don't even know what I want the answer to be." At Kim's look of surprised, she explained. "The man in the kitchen looks and sounds like the man I fell in love with all those years ago, the man who fathered my children. I feel like, if I'm wishing for him to turn out to be an imposter, I'm betraying him in some way."
Sitting down on the couch, Marlena put her head in her hands for a moment. Then she looked up, more tears in her eyes. "But, at the same time, the man who I came home to a few months ago is also the man I love, the man I renewed my vows with, and the man who I knew in my heart even when he didn't have a name." Her voice dropped to a whisper. "What if I was wrong five years ago? What if we were all wrong?"
Kim sat down next to Marlena on the couch and took her friend's hand. She did not say anything, because she had no idea what could possibly give Marlena any comfort. Kim could not even begin to fathom the pain and confusion that Marlena was feeling right now.
The two women sat in silence for a few minutes before Kim finally spoke. "I wish I had some answers for you," she said softly. "But all I know is that whatever those tests reveal, we'll all be here for you and Roman . . . and whichever one is not Roman."
Marlena nodded. "I know." Shaking her head as if trying to clear away the emotions, she then turned back to Kim. "I never even asked what brought you by today? Is everything okay?"
"Everything's fine," Kim replied. "I guess I was just feeling a little stir crazy myself, so I decided to stop by here."
"Is everything okay with you and Shane?"
Kim pasted a smile on her face. "Sure. He's home from the hospital and getting stronger every day."
"Kim?" Marlena's voice changed to the stern, professional tone that Kim knew so well. "I didn't ask about Shane's health. I asked about your relationship."
Kim shook her head. "I think you have enough going on right now without having to listen to my problems."
Marlena offered a wry smile. "Quite frankly, somebody else's problems would be a nice distraction. So why don't you tell me what's really going on?"
Kim was silent for a moment, but eventually her desire for counsel from her friend won out. Slowly, she told Marlena the whole story about what had happened with Cal and how Kim had been willing to use her body to manipulate him.
When she finished the story, she wiped a tear from her eye. "I haven't told Shane. I've tried, but I'm just so scared of how he will react."
"That's understandable," Marlena replied. "You've told me Cal Winters was at the bottom of a lot of your problems with Shane."
Kim nodded. "Shane's promised that he's past all that . . . and I want to believe him. I do believe that he wants to put it behind him, but I'm just afraid that if I tell him what happened, it will bring all of that pain back up again."
Marlena seemed to contemplate that for a moment. Then she gave a small shrug and said, "I could tell you what I think. I think Shane is a good man and, even if it hurts him at first, he'll come to understand and accept it. But I don't think that's the real problem here."
Kim's eyes widened. "What do you mean? Of course that's the problem. Shane wants to start over again, but how can I do that when I'm not sure I can trust him to forgive me?"
"You can't," Marlena replied simply. "You and Shane will never be able to rebuild your life together if you don't trust him."
"Then why did you say that wasn't the real problem?" Kim asked, completely confused.
"Because it isn't Shane who is holding you back from trusting him. It's you." Marlena smiled sympathetically. "I don't think the real question is whether Shane will forgive you. It's whether you can forgive yourself."
Kim sat silently for a moment, pondered Marlena's words, and shook her head. "I just did what I had to," she said. "I'm not going to apologize for that."
"Then you should not be afraid to tell Shane about it," Marlena said. "You didn't do anything wrong."
No, but I don't know if Shane will see it like that. Kim sighed. "It just seems like everything comes back, like some bad circle. It always comes back to my past, and, no matter what he says, I don't think Shane's ever accepted what I was."
"Shane loves you," Marlena said. "If your past was such an obstacle, you wouldn't have survived as much as you did. . . . I think, maybe, you haven't put your past as behind you as you sometimes think."
Kim thought about that for a little. Was her past her hang-up or Shane's? Shane had said that before, but then he had thrown her past in her face too. Yet she thought about the talk she and Shane had the month before, when they had talked honestly about Cal and Kayla - their "true confessions" talk. He had promised to let go of her past. So why wouldn't she give him a chance to prove that?
Perhaps the answer was simple - fear.
"Maybe you're right," Kim said. "But I'm still scared to tell Shane."
"I know." Marlena put her arm around Kim's shoulders. "And I can't promise that he'll be understanding, but the sooner the truth comes out, the sooner you'll know the answer and you can decide what to do."
Kim knew that was true, but something else popped into her head. "I'm worried too about what it might do to him. The day you and the Romans were at the house, he put up a good front for you, but he was exhausted by the time you left. Simmons told me that Shane was so weak, he could not even make it up the stairs and had to sleep in the library for most of the day. Right now, I think it's his hope for our future that's keeping him motivated to get better. . . ."
"And you don't want to be the cause of any setbacks?" Marlena asked.
Kim nodded. "I know I have to tell him," she said. "At some point, it has to come out. But what if he's not strong enough to handle it right now? I don't know if I could do that to him. Not yet."
Marlena smiled softly, suggesting she did not fully believe that Kim's concern was entirely for Shane. "If that's what you believe, Kim, I understand. But you can't live in limbo forever."