Kim stared at the mansion, almost afraid to get out of her car. The day had been had enough and now the thought of facing Shane and all the uncertainties she felt about him was almost too much to take.
Her heart bled for Roman, or the man she had believed to be Roman for the past five years. The look of betrayal on his face when he had walked into the house kept flashing before her eyes. And the way her parents had seemed to abandon any doubts about the new Roman. . . . Or should she think of him as the "old Roman"; it seemed to fit just as well.
Whatever she called him, the way her folks had so quickly decided that the new Roman was the true Roman disturbed her. But why did it? Kim had always believed a mother would know her child. She had said that to herself over and over when Andrew had been missing. So wasn't that what had happened at her parents' house? Shouldn't Kim believe her parents' instincts?
And, yet, there was something about this new Roman that scared her. The way he talked about Shane - as if there was some deep mistrust - frightened her. She had always believed Shane and Roman had been friends; Shane had spoken like they had been as close as brothers, and the way he had bonded with the man they believed was Roman returned from the dead seemed to confirm it.
Kim tried to remind herself that this new Roman had just returned to Salem after a long absence, and was confused about all the changes. Look at the way that he and Steve had nearly gone after one another. The situation had everyone on edge. So maybe that was the situation. Time and the test results would help.
At least she hoped so.
If only that were the sole issue she faced. After leaving her folks, Kim had been reluctant to go home. She needed to be away from family for a little while, so she had gone shopping to pick up a few things for the children. But walking around the store, her mind had flitted between the scene at her parents and her talk with Marlena. Eventually, all she could hear was Marlena saying that Kim could not live in limbo.
Maybe it was time to tell him. Maybe Kim had held off long enough. If Shane was going to react with disgust at her actions, maybe she should end the suspense and find out now.
But what about Shane? Is he ready to be hurt like this?
Climbing out of the car, the uncertainty weighed heavy on her. Her legs felt like stone and she took leaden steps toward the front door. In her mind, she thought this was how a condemned man probably felt as he marched to the scaffold.
Simmons met her at the door. As he took her shopping bags, she asked where Shane was. In the gym, Simmons said, meaning the back room Shane had converted for his physical therapy. The answer surprised Kim, because Shane normally had physical therapy during the morning.
"Master Shane's appointment was rescheduled," Simmons explained. "The physical therapist left just a few moments ago."
At least I won't be interrupting anything, Kim said to herself as she headed down the hallway to the room. She heard Shane even before she reached the open door. Stopping in the doorway, she watched Shane as he forced himself through some sit-ups.
Each sit-up was accompanied by a pained groan, and Kim could tell that he was pushing himself too hard. His face was a deep red and sweat was pouring down his face. His gray t-shirt looked soaked through.
"Shane!" she cried, rushing forward. Her shout must have distracted him, because he stopped mid-crunch and then collapsed back onto the mat he was using for his exercise. His arms askew, he just laid on his back and stared up at the ceiling.
"Are you trying to kill yourself?" Kim said, unable to hold back her anger and worry. She knelt down next to him as he gasped for breath.
"I'm . . . I'm fine," he grunted, his tone not matching his words.
"Like hell, you're fine, Shane Donovan." Kim noted that Shane did not resist as she helped him to sit up. "Simmons said your therapist already left."
He nodded and grimaced. "I was just trying to do a little extra."
"Why?" Kim snapped. "What are you trying to prove?
With Kim's help, Shane rose to his feet and looked around for his cane. He tried to take a step toward it, but his legs wobbled and he had to shift his weight back onto Kim.
"Come here," she said crossly as she guided him to a weight bench and helped him sit. Shane was still breathing heavily and he said nothing as he tried to regain his breath. She could sense his frustration, so she took his hands in hers and looked him in the eye. "It's going to come," she said. "You're not going to recover in a few days, and you're going to hurt yourself if you push yourself too hard."
"And I'm not going to get better if I don't push myself," he shot back, finally getting control of his breathing.
"It will come," Kim assured him. "You just need to be patient." Kim knew how hard it was for Shane to hear that. He was not a particularly patient man. "Just give yourself time."
Shane shook his head and, when he spoke, sounded bitter. "Time . . . time that I can just sit here doing nothing. My best friend's going through hell and there's nothing I can do for him. I can't do anything to make you trust me. And I don't know how I'm going to clear my name. I don't have the luxury of time."
Kim squeezed Shane's hands and then let go. She stepped away from the bench, thinking that she was about to resolve one of those issues. She was about to open the door to discussing Cal when Shane spoke again.
"Roman was here . . . I mean the Roman we've thought was Roman for the past few years . . . He was here earlier."
"How much earlier?" Kim asked, wondering if it was before or after he had fled her parents' house.
Shane nodded. "If you're asking if it was before what happened at your folks, it was. Isabella called me an hour ago and told me what happened. She wanted the family to know he was okay, but Roman - I meant, that Roman - didn't want her to call anyone."
"Did you at least tell Marlena?" Kim asked.
"Yes, she knows." Shane paused and then ran a hand through his damp hair in obvious frustration. "I wish there was something I could do. He was here and I wanted to help him, but . . . bloody hell, I can barely walk from my bedroom to the library without aid."
"I know," Kim said. "I saw Marlena earlier and she doesn't know what to feel. She has one Roman who looks like the man she fell in love with and had her children with. Then she has the other one who she's lived with for the past five years. And remember how she seemed to know him when he was just John Black? How do you explain that?"
Shane shook his head. "I can't. . . . And poor Roman . . . . well, the one who used to be John Black . . . here he's been trying to remake a life with Marlena since she returned after falling in love with Isabella." With a sigh, Shane added, "Talking with him, it took me back to when Emma returned and I was so lost, caught between the wife I thought was dead and. . . ." He looked up at Kim. ". . . and the woman I loved more than anything."
Kim blushed a little, almost embarrassed under his gaze. She looked away.
"It made me think about that time," Shane said. "How I dithered about, and you were so stubborn. That's when you got involved with Victor."
And there it was. Kim felt a hollow sensation in her chest as if her heart had just emptied. He had said he would let go of her past, but there it was again. And if he was still obsessing over Victor, that pretty much told Kim what Shane would think about Cal.
She could not keep the edge out of her voice. "'Involved with Victor'? That's what you think happened? I was stubborn and got 'involved' with him?"
"Wait. . . ." Shane seemed confused. "That's not what I meant."
Kim shook her head in disbelief. "That's what you always say, but then when you're upset or frustrated, you go back to my past."
"Stop it," Shane nearly shouted. That obviously caused him some pain, because he winced and it took a moment before he could speak. When he finally did, he looked at her with an expression of pure hurt and bewilderment as he said, in a much softer voice, "I meant that if I hadn't been so stupid, we would have been together through all that time. I would've been with you when you lost your sight and you wouldn't have needed anyone else's help. I didn't mean to suggest anything untoward."
Kim wanted to believe him and thought he sounded sincere, but that doubt was there once more. Maybe she had overreacted. Maybe her fears were making her too sensitive, causing her to project those fears onto even innocuous comments.
"I guess so," she said, even as her stomach churned and her head filled with doubt.
Kim studied Shane, waiting for his reaction. She could see a mix of expressions on his face - confusion, doubt, and sheer exhaustion. That last she could see echoed by the way his eyes were half-closed and his shoulders were slumped forward. He also seemed to be breathing hard once more. It was like her reaction to his comment had sapped the last of his strength.
He's not ready.
Seeing him like this hammered home that not only was Kim not ready to tell him, Shane was not ready to hear it. He was too tired and too weak. He needed to get more of his strength back, before she risked hurting him again - that is, if she ever told him.
"Look, okay, maybe I overreacted," she said. "This last few weeks have me on edge."
Through half-lidded eyes, Shane watched her. "I . . . I know," he said, his words coming slowly. "And we haven't really talked about what you went through. Maybe we should."
Kim swallowed hard. "I . . . I don't think now's the right time. . . . I mean look at you. You're barely able to sit up. You should lie down and get some rest." Before he could protest, she raised her hands. "If you don't, I'll call Marcus and you won't have a choice."
Rolling his eyes, Shane reached for his cane, which was perched against the weight bench. He slowly put it in front of him and started to rise, but he only got a few inches off the bench before he sank back down. "Maybe . . . maybe I'll just sit here for a little bit." He gave her a weak smile.
Groaning inwardly at his foolishness for pushing himself this hard, Kim just shook her head. "Hold on," she instructed as she walked into the hallway and called for Simmons. He came quickly. With her on Shane's left and Simmons on his right, they managed to help him to his feet and out of the gym. They ignored his sluggish protests as they walked down the hall.
Kim was almost exhausted herself by the time they reached Shane's bedroom on the second floor. With each step, his legs had grown more unsteady and he had let her and Simmons - mostly Simmons - bear more of his weight.
"Come on, Sir," Simmons said, helping Shane to the bed. Kim watched as Simmons helped Shane strip away the wet t-shirt. Even raising his arm to let Simmons pull off the shirt seemed to require substantial effort from Shane. Meanwhile, Kim flinched as she saw, for the first time, the angry red line that ran down his chest.
That's because of me.
The thought came unbidden, and she felt the guilt wash over her anew as Simmons helped Shane lie down on the bed and pull a blanket over him. For an instant, Kim felt a chill run through her. It was like the strong man she had always known was gone, replaced by someone frail and weak. This was not Shane. This was not the man she loved.
It's just temporary, she reminded herself to stifle the moment of panic. She walked over to the bed, silently repeating, He will get stronger.
"I'll leave you, Madame," Simmons said. "I still have to fix the children some dinner."
As he left, Kim walked toward the bed and looked down at Shane. His eyes were barely open, but he saw her and his grimace turned into a soft smile.
"Stay with me," he said, his words barely audible.
Kim could not help herself from smiling back. She reached down and brushed some of the wet, matted curls from his forehead and tenderly touched his cheek. Shane's eyes closed with her touch. He mumbled something Kim could not make out before his entire body seemed to relax and his breathing grew steady and even.
For a few minutes, Kim watched him sleep. She longed to lie down beside him and wrap her arms around him, as if, by being together, their crazy world would suddenly make sense. But she knew that was as much a dream as whatever Shane was now imagining. She reached down again and brushed his cheek with the back of her hand. He murmured slightly and smiled in his sleep.
She silently prayed that he would sleep and would recover his strength. He would need it when she finally told him the news.
It's too soon, she said to herself. He's not strong enough to deal with it.
As the thought ran through her head, she also recalled that momentary, horrific feeling of despair when he had mentioned Victor. How would she feel when she told him about Cal? Maybe Marlena was right and Shane would understand, but maybe she was wrong and that emptiness Kim had felt in her heart would be made permanent.
I can't. The two words ran through her head. I can't tell him.
He was not ready to hear it and she was not ready to tell him. So she would remain in limbo for now. When the time came, she would decide if she should tell him. But, right now, limbo felt a lot safer.