A/N: Oh look, a 4AM update. Insomnia, yay? Thanks for the reviews, lovelies. Glad there seems to be some interest here! But to clear somethings up - Bensidy will be in this story. There's a purpose to them, promise: but first and foremost this is an EO story. Also expect to see some Casey and probably Alex (along with the rest of the team), too. Current svu may have forgotten that exist, but i haven't. Also updates will be considerably slower since i now i have two chapter fics going. eeek. Thanks for reading! -Mari

Disclaimer: Still don't own it.

'The years shall run like rabbits,
For in my arms I hold
The Flower of the Ages,
And the first love of the world.'

W.H Auden

After

She levels him with her hardest of gazes, one usually reserved for perp. Her dark eyes are stoic, though a glint of moisture dances across their surface. Inside, the part of her that will always be tied to Elliot, the part she's fought tooth and nail to lock away for two years, silently begs him to refute her claim.

"You were never the job." His voice is harsh, Brooklyn accent thick, and baby blues oceans of emotion as he repeats himself.

Although it's what she wants to hear, that doesn't stop her from letting loose a bitter chuckle. She shakes her head and jabs her finger into the plains of his chest once more.

"Lying bastard!" Olivia yells and that's when she sees it, she sees two tubes – a catheter, she guesses, protruding from the right side of his chest, just above his heart. Her hand flattens against his chest, inches away from tubes and she gasps. The fight in her deflates.

His large hand then closes around her smaller one, holding it in place. Together they feel his heart beat; around them the world pauses and she's trying not to cry.

Olivia thinks that this is what it must be like for children to realize that Superman isn't real, but kryptonite is and she can see it now, the change in his figure. Its like someone has let out the air in an inflatable raft and set it in the corner. He's thinner, and his close-cropped hair is graying. He's sporting a graying beard and there's more creases to his face, no doubt from endless nights of worry.

Elliot's hand tightens around Olivia's.

"It's a dialysis catheter – or rather right now my kidneys." he chuckles softly more out of habit than humor.

Her brows furrow together in confusion. "What?"

Dialysis, kidneys; she didn't even know he was sick.

'I'd give you a kidney.'

'Not if I gave you one first'

"Yeah, I was in an accident about four months ago. Crushed a few ribs, some internal bleeding. Long story short, I developed AKI – acute kidney injury, or some shit like that. Kathy's tried explaining it a few times, but you know I'm a thick as a brick when it comes to medical shit."

"AKI? Isn't that suppose to be reversible?" she asks softly, moving her hand ever so slightly back, though it remains locked in his; their bodies are barely a rulers length apart. If it wasn't for the looming threat of death surrounding them, she'd revel in the closeness, but all she can do is focus on the fact that he's sick, really sick. Her knowledge of kidney injury is sparse, and limited to the time that she dated a nephrologist when she was fresh out of college.

"It's supposed to be, yeah. But from what the good doc tells me I'm on my way to full blown kidney failure."

"But that's not completely a death sentence, though, right? There's dialysis and then there's having a transplant."

"If only it was that easy, Liv. I'm on dialysis right now," he tilts his chin down to the catheter that peeks out from beneath his tank top.

Her eyes follow his. The air is thick and she feels like she's going to suffocate listening to him talk. They've been apart for two years and she's torn between wanting to knock his teeth him and wanting to hold in tightly and never let go.

"But my body ain't liking it too much."

/

Kathleen's grip on Olivia tightens and the girl is near hysterics, coughing and sputtering.

Stunned into silence, Olivia blinks, attempting to gain her bearings.

Elliot is dying?

"Kathleen, honey, you've got to calm down; you're going to make yourself sick." Olivia whispers, wrapping her arms around Kathleen. She begins to rub small, smoothing circles along the young blonde's back, shushing her.

"He – he – sa-sa-said that he doesn't want to do it-it-it anymore, Li-Liv," she stutters, chin tilted upwards, her blue eyes bore into Olivia's brown ones and in that moment she is her father's twin.

"Do what baby, what?" Olivia gently prods when all she wants to do is press for hard, straight, and fast answers. She needs to know what's going on, even if hearing about him will no doubt open old wounds that haven't quite healed and she doubts ever will fully.

"Live."

If Kathleen's earlier admission hadn't sent her spinning, this one definitely does. She's just about knocked backwards by the young woman's words. Elliot - not wanting to live? Mr. Catholic himself who lived for his children? Though she knew that people changed, and perhaps in two years time he'd become a completely different person, one who said things like he didn't want to live.

With half sentences and bits and pieces of information, Olivia tries to piece together Kathleen's words and make sense of her current situation.

Earlier she'd been in utter bliss, enjoying a lazy day in bed with Mr. Right Now, a few hours later and she was learning that the one person she'd loved more than life itself was apparently breathing his last breaths.

"Liv," Brian calls from the living room; he's on his feet and slinging his jacket around his shoulder. Both Olivia and Kathleen turn their attention to him.

Kathleen's eyes widening as she realizes what she's interrupted. She pulls back from Olivia's arms and shakes her head.

"Oh no, oh. 'Liva, I'm sorry – I didn't – I didn't mean to. I didn't know. I'll go; I'll go. I'm sorry," she repeating the words like a mantra; clearly still upset.

Olivia opens her mouth to speak, to tell her that she's going nowhere, not right now when she hasn't explained a thing and especially not as upset as she is when Brian speaks again.

"Hey kiddo," he starts, "It's okay, it's been a good day. I need to catch some sleep anyways. Duty calls. You stay." He walks to the door, and wraps Olivia in a half hug before kissing her on forehead and opening the door. "Call me tomorrow, Liv."

"Night, Bri." Olivia responds and the door clicks closed behind him.

In the corner a wild eyed Kathleen stands, her breaths evening out as she runs a hand through her long blonde locks. She looks so small and tired.

She reminds Olivia of a time, way back when, nearly ten years ago when Kathleen, age 15, had begged Elliot and Kathy to let her stay the night with Olivia. Elliot had agreed with little hesitation, though it'd taken Kathy a few more moments to agree.

The two, Kathleen and Olivia, had spent the night talking about inane things such as clothes and shoes, books, boys, and eventually sex; to which Kathleen had finally come clean about having ulterior motives for spending the night with Olivia. She'd come for sex advice, having been contemplating sleeping with her then 17-year-old boyfriend.

Both flattered and horrified, Olivia reluctantly shared the joys and disappointments of first time sex, along with the responsibilities of protecting oneself. She'd even given Kathleen a number to a Planned Parenthood clinic where she could see a doctor for birth control pills without Elliot or Kathy knowing.

After their talk, they'd spent the rest of the night watching sapping rom coms and eating junk food. Of course Kathleen had fallen asleep first, rest her head against Olivia's shoulder.

"I'm really sorry, Liv," Kathleen whispers and Olivia shakes her head. She crosses the space Kathleen's put between them, and grabs the young girl's hand, then leads her over to the couch. "I didn't mean to ruin your date."

"It wasn't a date." Olivia says a little too quickly as they sit down on the couch; she wants to ask about Elliot, but she wants Kathleen calm, too. "I mean, we – Bri and I, we're not - " She fumbles over her words; uncertain of how to sum up the relationship she shares with Brian. He's like a much needed port in the raging storm that has become her life the last six months, but right now that's all he is; they have fun and it's nice having someone to go to after a long days work.

A devilish grin spreads across Kathleen's tear streaked face and the blonde wiggles her brows. "Ooooolivia," she smiles, "I never took you for one to have a fuck buddy. I mean, he wasn't bad looking, definitely always thought Dad was more your type, but hey, I'm not mad."

Olivia's mouth falls open, and she tilts her head in shock. She can't believe the words that just left Kathleen's mouth. Her brown locks bounce as she shakes her head in disbelief and bemusement. "I don't believe you that you just said any of that."

"Oh come on, Liv, you of all people know I'm not a virgin."

"Doesn't mean we're discussing my sex life."

"There's a hickey the size of Texas on your neck," Kathleen grins again, sniffling as she dries her eyes and then points to a mark that sits just above her clavicle on her left side. Olivia's free hand flies to her neck and she rolls her eyes.

Their light banter continues for a few moments more before Olivia levels Kathleen with a concerned gaze, brushing her long brown locks from her face as she does so.

"As much fun as I'm having with your invasive questions, Kat, you need to tell me what's going on with . . . with your dad . . .."

Almost immediately tears swell in Kathleen's eyes, she nods slowly and takes a deep breath. "He doesn't know I'm here, but he misses you – he really does." She starts, and Olivia's breath hitches in her throat.

She wants to laugh at Kathleen's words. Elliot misses her? Ha! He hasn't called or texted her in two years, so much for missing.

As if she could read Olivia's thoughts, Kathleen quickly adds, "we both know he's not good at showing his feelings, hell the whole world knows; but he does miss you, Liv. He's tried to call you a few times, but stopped."

Olivia says nothing; she's afraid to. For two years she's felt as if something was missing, like one of her extremities, without him by her side. They'd been together for so long and one day he was just gone – vanished, taking every trace that she'd ever meant something to him.

"He's really sick; he's going to die," she crying again. "And he's threatening to give up on trying to live. He's not trying to fight anymore . . .." The hysterics start again and all Olivia can do is close the distance between them on the couch and cradle Kathleen in her arms.

She doesn't know the full story, she doesn't even know part of it, but that doesn't stop the tears that swell up in her own eyes as she tries to sooth her ex-partner, more than a friend, not quite lover's daughter.

"He needs you to kick some sense into him, he needs you to give him a reason to live." Kathleen croaks, voice hoarse, and once again Olivia doesn't respond.

Her hold on the young blonde tightens, though, and pretty soon they've both fallen asleep, locked in each other's arms. Mr. & Mrs. Smith plays in the background.

tbc.