"Why isn't it the same with you and Kim?"
John's words hung in the air for a little while. Shane did not want to respond. He did not want to get into that. He had been trying - and failing - not to think about that. Ever since the night after the DNA results came back.
The night you kissed.
Yes, it had been the night they kissed and, for a moment, Shane had thought the walls had fallen. But then Kim backed off and Shane had been forced to remind himself of his cursed promise not to push her.
"So?" John pushed.
"So, nothing," Shane said, unable to keep the exasperation out of his voice. "I'm trying, I promise you that, but it's Kim that's the problem."
John looked confused. It took a moment to realize that John had been in Mexico when Shane had woken from the coma, not to mention that John had been dealing with far more important things since his return to Salem than Shane's and Kim's relationship issues.
Shane tried to explain. "Kim doesn't know if she wants to reconcile and-"
"That's ridiculous," John exclaimed. "Kim loves you. You didn't see her, Shane. . . . when you were shot and. . . . " His voice trailed off and he frowned, thinking, before he finally said, "It's crazy. Even before Winters, she told Marlena and me that she wanted to repair things between you."
Shane had to grimace. That may have been what Kim wanted before the kidnapping, but that was before Shane has messed everything up.
"Maybe that's what she told you," Shane said. "But right now, she isn't sure she can trust me. And, hell, I've probably given her every reason to wonder."
John's eyes narrowed. "Does this have something to do with why Kim left the house the day of the kidnapping?"
"Yes." Shane could not meet John's eyes and looked down at the wood trim on the desk. "The night before. . . . Ah, bloody hell, I might as well just tell you. We slept together." Shane winced inwardly at how crass that sounded. "I don't mean it like that," he added quickly. "I mean, everything got to me and Kim was there and it just happened."
"It just happened?" John's tone of voice and raised eyebrow made it clear that he was skeptical.
Hearing his words repeated, Shane realized that he made it sound unimportant. It was the exact opposite. "That's not what I mean." So what do you mean? he asked himself. "What happened . . . it should've brought us back together, but then I botched it all up and told Kim it was a mistake-"
"You slept with my sis and then said it was a mistake?" From the anger in John's voice, Shane wondered if John was going to rip him limb from limb, but then John shook his head in disbelief. "How could you do something like that to her?"
"It was stupid, okay?" Shane shot back, his voice rising sharply. He forced himself to take a breath. "It was stupid. . . . I kept thinking about what Kim would go through with me in jail and how would she deal with being alone. . . ." Shane stopped himself before he said anything about doubting Kim's fidelity. "I regretted it, John, but I didn't get a chance to tell her that before Cal got her and, now, she doesn't know if I really mean it when I say I want to be with her or if it's just some emotional reaction to everything that's happened since." Shane looked up at the ceiling. "Honestly, I can't really blame her after what I did."
The room fell silent and Shane glanced at John, who was standing still, thinking it over. His anger seemed to have diffused.
"Look," Shane said. "I'm trying everything in my power to convince her I'm sincere, but she seems to want some kind of conclusive proof that I won't push her away in the future. I've told her I won't, but that's not enough." Shane could hear his own frustration coming through as his voice rose again. "How can I convince her? How the bloody hell do you prove that something won't happen in the future?"
Silence reigned once more as Shane found himself almost embarrassed at how emotional he had sounded.
"Sorry, partner. That sounds like a pretty raw deal." John gave Shane a sympathetic look. "Would it help if I talked to Kimmie?"
"Still the big brother," Shane said lightly, smiling as John just shrugged, but did not get angry or upset. "No," Shane continued. "I think this is something Kim and I need to work through. What I do know is that I'm not going to let anyone send me to jail, not with things unresolved."
"Then you'd better work fast on Kim," John said. "Your trial's less than two months-" He stopped short as he read the look on Shane's face. "You changed your mind, didn't you? You're going to fight the charges."
Shane debated how to respond, but John pushed for an answer.
"Tell me, Shane. Did you decide to call the soldiers?"
"No," Shane said quickly. "That's not it at all."
John raised an eyebrow. "Then what?"
Shane slid his chair back and slowly rose to his feet. Grabbing his cane, he took a few steps away from the desk and looked out the window. Andrew was standing at a small easel, painting a picture of the late October garden, while Jeannie played with finger-paints under the careful eyes of the nanny.
"Shane?"
Without turning, Shane continued to watch his children. I'm not leaving them. "I'm going to make it impossible for the ISA to convict me."
"How do you plan to do that?" John sounded doubtful.
Slowly, Shane turned his head to face John. "I'm going to find Lawrence Alamain, and I'm going to stop him from releasing the toxin."
John still looked confused. "I'm not even going to begin to ask how you plan to do that, but even if you did, how would it stop them from convicting you for what happened in Egypt?"
"See . . . that's where you have to understand how the ISA works." Shane raised a finger. "When I stop Lawrence, I'm going to say I was working for the ISA. And when they say I'm still working for them, there's no way a jury will believe I wasn't also working for the ISA on the mission to free Steve."
John thought momentarily, then frowned. "There's just one problem. Well, there's more than that, but one that stands out-"
"What?"
"What if the ISA doesn't say you were working for them to get Lawrence?"
Shane grinned. "They can't. If they did that, they'd have to admit that one man was able to do what the ISA couldn't. And when you're talking about a weapon like Lawrence's toxin, the ISA can't lose face like that. Politically, it would be disaster."
John seemed to accept that. "Okay . . . but that's not your biggest problem. How do you plan on finding Lawrence, let alone stopping him?" He studied Shane with a dubious expression. "You're not exactly in shape to wage a one-man crime-stopping campaign."
"No," Shane had to admit, as an idea formed in his head. "I need help - and I think you're exactly the man I need."