Just a quick author's note. There have been a few comments about the previous chapter and Kim. I do plan on responding, but think it would be more appropriate to hold off until after a few more chapters have been posted.
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Kim stood there, silently, waiting for Shane to respond. His face was impassive, revealing nothing. He looked away and fiddled with the cane he was holding in his hand.
"Didn't you hear me?" she said sharply, challenging him. If he was going to push her away again, it was going to be with words, not cold silence. "Didn't you hear what I was going to do? After all that about putting my past behind me, I was going to go back to being nothing more than a whore."
Shane remained silent.
"Damn it!" Kim shouted. "Aren't you at least going to say something?" And yet, beneath her anger, her stomach was churning, fearful of what he would actually say. She remembered that feeling of emptiness when he had mentioned Victor a few days earlier, and her voice dropped almost to a whisper. "If you hate me, just say it."
That seemed to get through to him, and Shane finally spoke. "I'm sorry," he said, his voice revealing a hint of sadness.
"You're sorry?" Kim was incredulous. What does that mean? "That's all you can say? Sorry for what?"
Shane sighed slightly. "I'm sorry that things could have ever gotten to this point." He looked at her, hurt and sorrow clear in his eyes. "I'm sorry things are so bad between us that you think I could ever hate you. That you would think that I wouldn't understand."
He doesn't mean it, Kim said to herself. He can't mean it.
He must have read her thoughts, because he said, "How could I hate you for wanting to protect our family? I can't even begin to imagine what kind of torture that must have been. What happened had nothing to do with your past."
"How can you say that?" Kim asked. "Isn't it just like Victor? You never really forgave me for that."
Shane seemed to think for a minute. "Kim . . . I wish I could convince you of how I feel, but my problem with Victor was not about what happened in Miami. Yes, it hurt when I first found out, but I understood why you slept with him. What I couldn't get past was that you lied to me about Andrew, and you would have kept lying to me if I hadn't found out by pure chance. You didn't trust me with the truth. You didn't trust that we'd find a way to deal with the truth. That's what hurt the most."
"And I did the same thing with Jeannie," Kim snapped. "And I didn't tell you about Cal until now?" Kim faced him. "It's been nearly a month. That must make you angry."
Shane looked down at his hands. See, he's realizing it, Kim thought. He knows he can't trust me. Then he looked back up. "But you did tell me," he said evenly. "Whatever else is going on, you felt like you could tell me and at least give me a chance to deal with it. Isn't that what trusting our love is about? You trusted me enough to tell me. This is not like what happened with Victor . . . or with Jeannie."
Kim was floored. This was not what she expected. She had expected Shane to be angry, to hate her, to push her away.
"You say that now," Kim said, shaking her head. "But down the road, you're going to throw it back in my face. I know you, Shane."
Shane appeared puzzled and frustrated. "Why won't you believe me? Why are you so determined to think the worst of me?" Kim could hear the hurt in his voice.
Because I can't believe you. Because I don't want to be hurt. The thought came unbidden. Because I couldn't bear losing you. Kim turned away and looked out the window. She could not face him.
The room fell silent once more, before Shane, his voice low and even, asked, "What's really going on, Kim?"
"I told you," she said sharply. "I told you what happened and I know you're going to use it to hurt me."
"You don't know that." Behind her, she heard the sound of the cane click against the wood floor and realized Shane must have stood up from the couch. "You don't know that," he repeated, his voice coming from only a few feet behind her. "You've been holding this in, convincing yourself that when you told me I would hate you. But I don't. I love you."
Kim closed her eyes. Don't say that, she wanted to scream. She felt the light touch of Shane's hand on her shoulder.
"This isn't about Cal," Shane said. There was a certainty in his voice that surprised her. "And it's not about your past."
"It is," she insisted. "I'm never going to escape my past."
That certainty was there again. "No, it isn't," Shane said softly. His hand settled on her shoulder, and she could not bear to pull away. "Kim . . . please. . . . I need you to be honest - with me, and with yourself."
Kim had no idea what he meant. "I am being honest." Her tone was more harsh than she intended. "I just told you about Cal, didn't I?"
"I don't want to know about Cal," Shane said. "I want to know about when I was shot."
Kim jerked away. She did not want to think about that. She did not want to talk about it. She shook her head. "There's nothing to talk about."
"I think there is."
She tried to closer her mind to the memories, but she failed. She saw Shane lying, gasping on the floor of the hangar as Kayla tried to staunch the bleeding. Her body turned ice cold, the way she felt at the time.
Then she was in the emergency room, sitting all alone, as Kayla collapsed into Steve's arms. The cold was gone and Kim felt nothing. Then her family was there, people were holding her, and she still felt nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
"That must have been horrible." Shane's voice interrupted the flood of images and Kim was once again in the library. "Bo told me how scared you were, but I can't imagine how much pain you were in."
"No."
She had not meant to say anything, but the word popped out before she could stop it. I didn't feel pain, she told herself.
Shane spoke, his words hesitant. "Please . . . you need to talk about it. You can't just keep it inside."
He doesn't understand, she thought. "That's not what I meant. I said no because that's not how I felt." When Shane said nothing, she continued. "I didn't feel like that because I didn't feel any pain," Kim said, forcing her eyes even more tightly closed. Her eyes stung and she could feel a trace of wetness running down her cheek. "It was so much worse than that."
This time, Shane put both hands on her shoulders. "Tell me."
"I . . . I felt empty." Kim could feel more tears flowing. "You were gone. I knew it even before Kayla said anything, and I felt empty inside. It was like . . . it was like my soul had died with you."
Shane did not respond, but his hands gently squeezed her shoulders.
"I've never felt more alone than I did right then," Kim whispered. "Bo and Roman were there . . . Kayla and Steve . . . and I was all alone. There was nothing."
"And you never want to feel like that again?" Although Shane's question was gentle, Kim felt her entire body constrict.
Kim shook her head and could barely manage to breathe out a word. "No."
"I'm so sorry, Kimberly." Shane let go of her shoulders and wrapped his arms around her. "I'm so sorry I put you through that."
She was shaking now.
"How could you do that to me?" she cried. "How could you leave me?"
Sobs ripped through her body. Behind her, Shane was murmuring something, probably something comforting, but she could not hear him through the sound of own cries. Tears rained down her cheeks.
Gripping her tightly, Shane whispered in her ear. "I never . . . God, I never wanted to leave you. . . . I don't ever want to leave you."
Kim turned around in his arms and caught a glimpse of the tears in his eyes before she buried her head against his chest. She clung to him as tightly as he held her. "Promise me," she begged between sobs. "Promise you won't leave again . . . promise you'll stay with me."
Shane did not hesitate. "I'm not going anywhere," he said softly. "I would never leave. I could never leave you."
She continued to cry and kept repeating, "Promise me," as the tears flowed uncontrollably down her cheeks. Shane just held her, his embrace providing the comforting assurance she so desperately needed.
Slowly, Kim began to regain control of herself and she let go of the fear that she had not even realized was there. Her sobs gradually subsided as Shane held her close and ran a hand gently over her back.
"It's okay," he told her. "It's all going to be okay."
Finally, Kim's breathing returned to normal and she pulled away from him a little. She looked at Shane's shirt, which was wet from her tears. She brushed at the wet spots, looked up, and gave Shane an apologetic look, but her apology died on her lips as her eyes locked on his.
He stared down at her, his dark eyes showing signs of tears, even as they shone with concern and undeniable love. Kim's heart began to pound furiously even before Shane raised a hand and tenderly brushed her cheek. Captured by his gaze, she was powerless to resist and she leaned her head into his touch.
"Kim?" Shane asked tentatively, the question plain.
Her tears returned, but this time there was no pain or fear. Her answer was clear in the soft smile she gave him.
The kiss, when it came, began slowly and gently. Kim closed her eyes and her hands rose and buried themselves in Shane's thick hair. She pulled him closer as their kiss increased in intensity. When they broke apart, Kim took a moment to regain her breath and then opened her eyes. In Shane's face, she was surprised to see that he appeared worried.
He's afraid . . . afraid I'm going to push him away.
"I love you, Shane." Her words were soft and sincere.
Kim watched as smile slowly spread across Shane's face. "I love you too, Kimberly. I love you more than life itself."
She smiled once more and gently caressed his face. As she pulled him close for another kiss, Kim thought, I could never leave you either.