Ch17

"Why the sour face, Shadow?" Honor doesn't say anything she just pouts with tears sliding down her round cheeks. Inconspicuously she wipes them away. She's the queen of mood swings, right now I have no idea what's going on. Because of the red flush on her mature baby face, I feel like I'm babysitting a kid whom I have fucked multiple times within the last few months.

"No reason. I'm fine…"

"Okay I'll pretend like I believe that."

"I think I'm gonna take some time off and visit family." Honor's been quiet through the rest of the day, not really saying much. That left me to wonder what gears were grinding in her mind up until now. Guessing what is going on in her mind is utterly frustrating because she is the personification of a riddle herself. "I'm just," she wipes her nose, then rolls her eyes trying not to cry again, "freaking myself out. Sorry." I still have no idea what it's about in the first place.

"That's okay but that's not why you're crying though." I try to pull her in but she doesn't just fall into my arms like I'd like her to. I ignore that bit of weirdness, "Speak to me don't shut me out again. I hate when you do that."

"I'm just gonna be thrown to the wayside until I'm back to one hundred percent. I won't be gone for long but that's hella scary." Honor traces the tribal pattern on the back of my arm, her body full of tension as I pull her closer into me a second time. I stare in wonder at her as she does this, contemplating my actual feelings about her. She's pulled her long curly hair into a loose bun at the top of her head, some pieces crept out during the day. She changed into a Daniel Bryan shirt that is three sizes too big for her and a pair of Batman boxers, all of which I had to help her get into because she couldn't use her arm.

"You could use some time away to refocus. It's just a minor setback remember I had two shoulder injuries hell they both hurt every day. Look at it like a challenge: Can you come back from this?" I say as I grit my teeth, truthfully I could use some time back home. I do miss my family. I guess it is good the next few shows are going to be in the general Missouri area, I can get back home to St. Louis with time to spend at home and what not.

"Randy?" She peeks up at me her brown eyes still teary in the muted light over head of us, "I think we should stop this." Honor scoots away from me breaking contact with me.

"What?" I watch Honor sit up and removing herself from me. I hope she isn't saying what I think she's saying, "What are we stopping Honor?"

"We shouldn't be involved with each other like this. It's not right, we shouldn't be like this you've got a family… When I started this I didn't think. I didn't think about all the people we'd be hurting." The look on her face is completely heartbreaking, I hate it. I've only seen it a one other time when I yelled at her about training with Punk. Though it still doesn't stop me from being pissed off about this little stunt. "You cannot tell me you don't feel guilty about cheating on her. I hear it when you speak to her on the phone… hell you don't even speak to her for long periods of time anymore."

My face is burning up as I look at her. How she goes from adorably heartbroken to the devil reincarnated times three in a half a second flat I will never know. As of this moment she has voiced every single thing I feel guilty over screwing over my family. One thing becomes very clear she is right yet again. Slowly my heart is slipping into her hands and out of my wife's, I don't know what to do honestly. We have fallen into a comfortable routine that I am not ready to break; to a point I think I've become dependent on her because I know she'll be here. Being dependent on anyone pisses me off to no avail, it's weak.

Honor understands me without an effort, she knows what I'm thinking and feeling without asking any questions. She loves me at my best and loves me even more at my worst.

"Why?!" I yell at her causing her to jump, tears slip down her face, "Answer me! Why do you want this to end? You don't know do you? I put up with your fucking mood swings and bull shit when I could've just tossed you aside and kept on going. You owe me an answer."

More tears pour down Honor's face which pisses me off more, "I don't know what to tell you. I want us to work…but I can want that all I want but eventually Wife's going to find out…Your daughter is going to find out. She's going to blame you instead of me, if your family falls apart because you want to be with me. She'll grow up resenting you because of me. You're not ready for that Randy…I know you're not. If your daughter were to hate you, in any way, you wouldn't be able to deal with it. So there I want us to end because if we don't then they will end things with you."

"Wrong answer. Why are you such a damn coward?" I am in her face and she turns to walk away from me because she is scared, "No, you will not fucking walk away from me!" I grab her arm and yank her close to me once again, Honor shrieks out in pain. I grabbed her injured arm! That impulsive act was more than enough to deflate my anger. Tears drench her flushed face as she doubles over clutching her shoulder.

"Baby I'm sorry!" I drop to my knees and try to cradle her in my arms but she pushes me away. Shit.

"Don't touch me, Randy! Don't, just don't."

"I am so sorry! You gotta believe me that was just an accident. I got carried away I didn't mean to hurt…"

"Just like I didn't mean for this to go this far," She hisses at me through clenched teeth while standing once again tucking her arm to her side. Honor storms through to the front of the bus and angrily hisses at Rob.

It takes her a while because of the brace but when she walks in the room again she is dressed in a hoodie and jeans. She's throwing things in her suitcase and is angrily murmuring into her phone all with one arm; she's probably talking to her brother. Cuss words that could put a sailor to shame leaves her lips as she packs her stuff, she's still clutching her arm which is probably dislocated again.

"Honor." She ignores me calling her name. "God damn it, Honor," I pick her up by her waist, "I don't want to fight with you; I don't want you mad at me. Honor, I want you here with me. Honestly if we stopped seeing each other I think I will lose it. We've been close, too close, to each other for almost four months now and you choose to throw this away now. Yes I'm married. Yes I love my family. Eventually Sam is going to find out but I can deal that when the time comes. I need you here with me, I don't want you to ever doubt that."

"Two wrongs don't make a right. I'm not going to sit here and feel guilty over what I started so it is best to just end it before either of us develop any serious feelings."

"Well then your timing is way off," she backs away from me as I try to wipe the tears away from her face. Her nose and eyes are red, and she looks so small, frustrated, and confused. "Honor, please?"

Honor looks away and tries to pull away from me again, I take her face in both my hands and kiss her quivering lips. She continues to fight me because she doesn't want me to touch her for fear that she might do something she might regret. I can't blame her. God I wish I could just let her go, I really do. Honor wouldn't have a clue how much it would hurt me if she just left me, she doesn't know how she has gotten under my skin and how much I'd miss her.