A Light in the Dark
A/N: Another shout out to my wonderful beta Alex Skywalker. I probably overdramatized the ending of the last chapter so I hope you aren't too mad at me for that. I am stealing a part from "Battle for the Cowl" (the message Bruce left for Jason), this is the hardest chapter so far I have had to write.
Warning: Though nothing is described in detail, there are allusions to child abuse and sexual abuse. I am putting this warning here in case this triggers anything for anyone.
PLEASE I NEED REVIEWS!
Chapter 7
"Dick? Dick? Come on wake up!" Jason yelled all of three inches from Dick's face, tapping it lightly. They'd managed to get Dick onto the couch and raise his legs and he was starting to get a bit of color back in his face. The rooms occupants were gathered around Dick, all concerned as to his condition and the cause of it.
"Maybe we should try some water," Damian suggested.
Tim ran out and soon returned with a glass of water. He handed it to Jason who immediately threw it in Dick's face. Dick suddenly started to sputter and move.
"Todd, I do not believe that was the purpose of the water," Damian scolded.
"It worked didn't it? Dick come on, open your eyes, wake up." Jason continued yelling at Dick and tapping his face.
Dick tried to swat Jason's hands away as he woke and got his bearings.
"Master Jason, perhaps we should all give Master Richard a little room and let him gather his thoughts."
They all obeyed Alfred's order and backed up a bit as Dick woke fully and looked around at the startled yet concerned faces of his family.
"What happened?" Dick asked, sitting up.
"That's what we want to know. After locking yourself in the cave for hours you show up looking like a zombie and pass out. What the hell is going on?" Jason rattled off at Dick.
"He….there was…..Jesus….he was…." Dick tried to start but couldn't.
"Jesus was here?" Jason joked.
"Careful, Master Richard, we wouldn't want you fainting again. Drink this and take your time." Alfred handed Dick another glass of water.
Dick drank the water, trying to avoid eye contact with the eyes that were staring at him. Dick's hands were shaking.
"Dick, what was in the cave that scared you so bad?" Tim finally spoke up.
"Bruce," Dick stated simply.
The shock on the other four faces was undeniable.
"Bruce is in the cave?" All four seemed to ask at once.
"Wait, no - well, sort of. There was a file, one of the ones that needed to be downloaded because Bruce hadn't reset it after a certain amount of time except, he didn't tell me about this one. I looked up the file name and it was the Latin word for death. I downloaded it and there he was. A hologram, but the most realistic thing in the world. He left messages for us…..all of us."
Jason looked down, feeling as if maybe he wasn't included in that.
"Jason, you too. You will all need to listen to your messages; I've already listened to mine."
Nobody seemed to want to be the one to step forward so Alfred decided to spare his young charges. "I suppose I will go and see what Master Bruce has to say." And with that, Alfred left the room for the cave, leaving the others practically pacing the floor.
After a few minutes, Alfred returned to the room. Still no one wanted to be the next to go.
"Well, I suppose I shall see what my father has left to say to me." Damian put on a brace face and marched down to the cave.
"I have other duties I need to tend to as well," Alfred said quietly, obviously affected by what was said to him in the message.
"I'm going to go take a shower and…..think about things," Dick said as he headed up the stairs.
"Dick," Jason called after him.
"I'm fine Jason," Dick returned without looking back and giving him just a wave of his hand.
Jason looked back to Tim, concerned how he might be affected by Bruce's upcoming message. "You sure you'll be ok with this?"
"Yah, yah, I mean, Bruce is actually the only one to leave me any sort of message after he died so it might be comforting ya know? I mean, it will be hard to see him again but, I would want to see my father again, even if it was for a message…..or Connor, Bart….." Tim trailed off. Jason squeezed Tim's shoulder in support.
A few minutes later, Damian came walking in. He kept his chin about 2 inches higher in the air than normal, obviously trying to keep up a proud façade, yet failing miserably all the same. Damian glanced at the faces of Jason and Tim and knew almost immediately that they could see right through him. He flopped on the couch next to Jason, the mask dropping. Damian all of the sudden looked different. He looked younger, like the little boy he really was. He looked fragile. He looked…..human, for once.
Tim could barely take what these messages were doing to his family. It rendered Alfred into silence, Damian into an unsure frail child, and caused Dick to lose consciousness. Tim feared what the message would do to him, or what it would do to the unpredictable Jason Todd.
Tim almost wanted to ask Jason to go next, but he knew he had to do this sooner or later, and it might as well be sooner. He tried to remember what he'd told Jason earlier, to try and comfort himself as he stood, taking a deep breath.
Before he walked away from the couch he stole one last glance at Jason who smiled and nodded his support. With that, Tim disappeared into the dark confines of the bat-cave.
Jason scooted a little closer to Damian, who was staring out in front of him. Then it came. One tear, then two. Silent. No outburst. No sobbing. No noise. No nothing, except the two silent tears. Nothing more.
"Damian," Jason said concern laced his voice. He put a hand on the smaller boys shoulder.
"He was proud of me. My father." Damian kept his gaze forward not looking at Jason. "He was proud…..of me. I…..I didn't know what it was like…..to have someone…..be proud of me." Damian kept his voice steady, though he struggled to find the right words. No more tears came and he didn't appear to be holding any back either.
"What do you mean?" Jason asked, his eyes never leaving the profile of the boy's face.
"Ever since I could remember, from everyone I knew, it was 'harder Damian', 'faster Damian', 'kill Damian', 'show no mercy Damian'. Then I come here and there's someone…..who was proud of me…..and it wasn't for what I was raised to be-"
"You mean an assassin," Jason interrupted and Damian nodded and continued.
"But not the type of assassin for good. When I came here, I had to learn everything all over again. Same skill set, but for an entirely different cause. My father was proud of me for fighting for his cause, the good cause. My mother…..the League of Shadows never expressed gratitude or pride towards one fighting for their cause."
"I'm not surprised; they aren't exactly known for that."
"But…..he was proud of what I had done. He said he had known it wasn't easy for me. He was proud of me."
Jason was taken aback. He had never seen Damian like this before; the boy was truly shocked that Bruce was proud of him. He had never experienced someone being proud of him. It was a feeling he obviously liked, but was mournful that the man hadn't been able to express his pride for his son before it was too late.
Jason took another scoot closer to Damian and tentatively wrapped a large arm around the small boy's shoulders.
"He had every right to be proud of you. He should be. And, know that though we don't always express it to one another, Bruce isn't the only one who is proud of you."
"I don't know what to make of this," Damian said as his brow furrowed. Jason kept his arm across Damian's shoulders steady and squeezed. It was no secret Damian was not used to emotions; this must've been difficult for him to handle and process. Jason had never seen Damian express any emotions and now so many different emotions compounded on the boy at once.
"You may not know what to make of it for a while. Bruce was a complicated man. We don't live ordinary lives, so this isn't the simplest nor easiest thing for us to process."
"Do you know what to make of your relationship with our father? Of your closure with it?"
As Damian finally looked at Jason the use of the term 'our father' did not go un-noticed by the older one. Before Jason could think of a response, the grandfather clock entrance opened with a bang and a blur, almost unrecognizable as one Tim Drake, sped past them, up the stairs, and into his bedroom with a slam of the door. Jason heaved a big sigh. This wasn't good. He needed to go to him yet he didn't want to leave the young boy in front of him who was finally making a break through.
"You okay?" Jason asked Damian.
"Yes, I just need to….process. Go to Drake; all we have is each other, correct?"
Jason smiled at the young boy as he squeezed his shoulders.
"That's why he's proud of you."
As Jason stood and went for the stairs, Damian decided to go to the library. It was by far the quietest area of the house, which would allow Damian the silence to meditate on these new found feelings.
Jason arrived at Tim's door and knocked, not surprised when he didn't receive a response.
"Tim, come on, open the door. Please?"
No response.
Jason had no idea what the message was that Tim received, but it had obviously struck something within him that caused him to close right back up again. Jason prayed that Tim wasn't stupid enough to do…..well, something stupid.
"Come on, Tim. I at least need to know you're ok." Silence. "Ok, that's stupid. I mean ok like you can come to the door and at least look at me ok."
After a couple of seconds Jason heard some fumbling around and footsteps heading towards the door. Tim opened the door just a few inches. Enough for about half of his face to be seen. Tim looked at Jason through the crack in the door, evidence all over his face that he had been crying.
"Tim? Everything ok? Do you want to talk about it?"
Tim shook his head. "I'm fine," He mumbled and shut the door and locked it again.
Jason let his head sink, distraught over letting down one boy while having success with the other. This family was so confusing.
"You should be happy he even did that. He doesn't even open the door for me when he shuts down."
Dick's voice startled Jason. He looked up to see Dick leaning against a bedroom door a few feet away. He was dressed in sweats and a towel was draped over his neck, obviously having freshly showered.
"I believe you've procrastinated enough; isn't it your turn to go downstairs? I'll try to get Tim out."
"Damian needs some talking to also."
Dick nodded his head as Jason walked away to what he was positive was his certain doom.
The cave held gloominess in all the senses. The darkness, the screeching of the bats, the damp smell that seemed to seep through the pores of your skin. It wasn't a place you would associate with happy memories or good times. Jason was sure that wasn't about to change. The young man recalled being in the cave the first time he wore his Robin outfit, about to go on patrol for the first time, excitement and anticipation pouring through his soul.
"This is the happiest day of my life."
Jason sat in the large bat chair, suddenly feeling like a small child dwarfed by the large chair. The file was right where Dick said it was and he entered in his birth date as the password.
The three large screens separated and moved upwards. The sudden large movement startled Jason and he gripped the arms of the chair, ready to use them as a method of propulsion should he need to run. The large middle screen soon was facing the ground and a light projected from the screen to the ground. Its light leaked through the gloominess, casting a glow on the haunted man's face. The light soon formed into a hologram of Bruce Wayne. A very realistic looking Bruce Wayne.
Jason leaned back in the chair, feeling like Bruce was suddenly right in front of him. He could now understand why Dick, who was still reeling from Bruce's death, was so spooked by this realistic version of Bruce. The hologram was paused, waiting for Jason's command to start. But Jason just sat and looked at the older man.
Bruce was wearing the Bat-suit with the cowl pulled down. His eyes and face were downcast and somber, no doubt due to the tone of the message. Jason wondered if Bruce recorded the message for him when he recorded the messages for the others or if he waited until…..other events had occurred. Jason took a deep breath and pressed play.
The hologram looked up and seemed to look right at Jason…..right through Jason.
"Jason by now you've been told of my death and you're probably surprised to be invited back to the cave-"
"Surprised is an understatement old man…..but it wasn't you who invited me back." He couldn't help but voice his thoughts aloud to the realistic incantation as if he were talking to the actual man.
"-But like Tim, Dick, and Damian I'm leaving you with the one thing I can't give anymore…..advice."
"Oh shit, so this is the path we are going to go down. There are five million other things you could leave me with besides advice."
"Of all my failures, you have been my biggest."
"No shit; but do you realize why, Bruce."
"I take full responsibility for your wayward and self-destructive path in life."
"Gee, give me some credit too there, Bruce."
"You were broken and I thought I could put the pieces back together. I thought I could do for you what could never be done for me, make you whole."
"I was broken long before I met you, Bruce. I was never going to be whole, no matter what you did…..or didn't do."
"What happened to you as a child-"
"Don't go there Bruce."
"-the terror-"
"Don't!"
"-the pain-"
"Stop it!"
"-the horrors-"
"Don't Bruce!"
"-but that secret is one that neither of us should have kept."
"NOOOOO!" Jason screamed, throwing his fists down on the counter in front of him, the chair toppling to the ground behind him. Jason came to his knees and wept as the secret…..the abuse…..played through Jason's mind. Hands, touching, tears, lips, teeth, pressure, pain, and only the feeling of shame left over as the sound of money hitting the mattress echoed through the haze - all of it so he could have a meal for the night. Sometimes he didn't even have the sound of money assuring him of food to accompany the shame. Bruce's hologram continued.
"You needed repair and instead I gave you an outlet to act out on, for that I apologize."
"STOOOP!"
Deep in the shadows a pair of eyes watched Jason fall apart in front of the image of his mentor and father figure. He felt guilty for intruding upon this very private time for Jason, but Dick wanted to know how Jason would react, what the uncovering of this unknown secret would do. Dick would never tell his brothers that in secret he listened to all of their messages before going back upstairs to the house. He wanted as much time with Bruce as possible. But now, Dick didn't know if he did the right thing by telling Jason he had a message – didn't know whether he set him on a path to redemption or on a path straight to hell. Dick wanted to go to Jason but knew he would be pushed aside and ultimately Jason would be pissed that he was ever there to begin with.
Bruce's image continued as Jason, still on the floor, cried out.
"But it's not too late for you to get the proper healing you never received, it's not too late for me to help you. It's time for you to stop what you're doing. Alfred knows of a brilliant doctor who-"
"ENOUGH!" Jason rose to grab the first thing he could - a bat-a-rang - and threw it at the hologram of Bruce. It flew straight through the image and embedded itself into the wall behind it.
"AAAHHH!" Jason screamed in emotional pain and frustration as he punched the computer board as hard as he could before sinking back to the floor. The image stopped playing and turned off, casting the cave into darkness, Jason's cries and screams the only thing echoing off the cave walls.
The watching pair of eyes closed.
Hell it is, then.