Disclaimer: I don't own anything.
Chapter 5: Revealed
I sit in front of the sculpture with the gushing water. Some of it spills over the tank, soaking my shoes.
I haven't slept in days, but I don't feel tired. Just alone. Even though I'm not.
Caleb was cremated yesterday. I was asked if I wanted to see his body. But if I had, I just would've been reminded that I'm the one who let him do this and that I had failed to protect the last member of my family.
So I didn't.
I catch a glimpse of my reflection in a puddle of water at my feet.
Staring back at me is a girl with hollow, empty eyes that are more dull gray than light blue. A girl with heavy bags under her eyes, and greasy, unwashed blond hair.
I stare at her for a long time before slamming my palm into the puddle. Droplets of water splash onto my cheeks. They are cold, different from the hot ones that have been on my face lately.
I sit there for a long time, lost. Finally, I hear heavy footsteps behind me and Tobias sits at my side. I don't look at him. Instead my eyes drift to the opposite direction, not wanting to exchange contact with anyone right now.
"I don't know how to comfort you, because there's no way I can know what you're going through right now" he says. "So I'm just going to be here by your side. Maybe my presence will make this easier somehow."
I look at him, and I don't care about the tears swimming in my eyes. Tobias's strength makes me feel stronger.
"It does" I say. I rest my head on his shoulder and close my eyes.
"Stay" I whisper. "Don't let me go."
He kisses my head. "I won't let you go" he whispers back. "Just don't let go of me."
Later that night in the dorms when everyone else is asleep, I sit on the edge of my cot and watch Tobias kick off his shoes and put on a new shirt.
I tap my foot rapidly. I decide that I'll tell him now, because if I don't, I never will.
He looks at me. "You okay?" he asks. His face is full of concern.
I stand up and wipe my hands on my jeans. "Outside" I say.
I lead him out into the hallway, and lean my back against the wall to face him. His eyes are wide with worry. "What's wrong?" he asks.
My breaths are shaky and I sick to my stomach. "I'm pregnant" I say barely above a whisper.
His expression is blank. If he's angry, shocked, or scared, he's doing a great job of hiding it.
"Since when?" he finally asks.
"I found out at the infirmary a few days ago" I tell him.
Tobias looks down at the floor, and keeps his eyes there for a while .
When he finally does look up at me, I see a familiar look in his eyes. The same look he had when we entered his fear landscape and when he woke up from the attack simulation and discovered that he had almost killed me. He is scared,
"Tris" he says, "I'm so sorry, I never meant for this to happen."
"Yeah, well, I should be the one apologizing" I admit.
He looks confused.
"Why do you say that?" he asks quietly.
"Tobias" I start, "I'm not sure if this child is even yours."
He raises his eyebrows.
"I should have told you earlier. Right before we got back together, there was someone else and we…" This is hard. Much harder than I thought.
"Who?" Tobias asks, his voice cracking
I hesitate before answering. "Matthew."
The fear has left his eyes. And now I can see anger stampeding through them.
"Tobias" I say. "You have to know that there is nothing going on between us. We just spent one night together. It means nothing to me now."
"Then why? Why'd you do it, Tris?" he asks, harshly.
"Because I was willing to do anything to be loved again!" I nearly shout. "Your absence hurt me, Tobias. In ways I couldn't even imagine. I spent too much time thinking about myself, blaming you for everything that's happened. Then one night I had a dream that you were dying and I was helpless. That's when I knew I had to find my way back to you. But then Matthew took me back to his apartment and he… told me that he was in love with me."
My voice shakes on the last sentence. It's the first time I've said it out loud to anyone before. I take a step back and press my hand to my forehead. In take a deep breath.
"He was just using me for…that" I say.
Tobias stares at the floor.
Finally, he says, "You could've just talked to me. It's not like I didn't miss you."
"I know" I say. "I'm sorry. I should've just come to you in the first place."
Tobias looks up at me. "When will you know if this child is mine or not?" he asks.
"When I'm far enough, I'll get a DNA test, and we'll know for sure."
Tobias is quiet before asking, "Does Matthew know?"
I shake my head. "I haven't actually spoken to him since…" "Oh" he says.
He eventually folds me into his arms, and holds me there for a long time.
I rest my chin on his shoulder as a single tear rolls down my face.