I'm home sick so I thought I'd post another chapter! Again, thank you to everyone who's been reviewing this story it means so much to me that you read it
Disclaimer: I don't own anything.
Chapter 6: Promises
It has been one month since Caleb died. In that time, I have left his remains in the morgue, unsure of what he would want me to do with them.
The Bureau has provided us with apartments located on the fourth story, which I have never even seen before. Each one has a small kitchen, a room with a couch and a few chairs, a bedroom and a bathroom.
Tobias and I made sure that our apartments were right next to each other. That way he can hear my blood curdling scream when I emerge from the nightmares, and hold me close until they pass.
But I deep inside, I know they'll never go away.
And on those mornings I wake up sick, he's there to hold my hair back as I vomit into the toilet and folds me into his arms until I stop trembling.
Late one afternoon, I take a walk outside. I'm not going anywhere in particular , I just need to get out for a little while. The snow hasn't completely melted yet, but specks of green have begun to sprout through the ground.
A gust of wind blows past me, and I zip my jacket up to my throat. I walk until I find myself at the fence. The fence that surrounds Chicago.
I grab hold of the barbed wire and peer through. Nothing stirs.
In the distance, I see apartment buildings being built just north of the river. They are light gray, much like the Abnegation homes and are about four stories high. I close my eyes and imagine myself living there.
I could watch my child play by the riverbank through my window. But of course, that is just a fantasy.
After this baby is born, my life will be absolute chaos. How will I maintain a healthy relationship with Tobias if this baby isn't his? Or if it is his, how will we have time for each other?
I start walking back, my mind fresh with thoughts. Part of me is wishing that this child is Tobias's. The other part of me is wishing that this never even happened in the first place.
A long time ago, before the factions were formed, abortion became illegal because many people viewed it as a form of killing. But even if it wasn't illegal, it wouldn't be an option for me.
I think back of what I said to Caleb in the weapons lab. About how I was willing to sacrifice myself, despite being pregnant. About how I would be doing this child a favor if I died, because I wasn't able to provide for it.
But something changed after Caleb died. I can't let anyone else die because of me. I look down at my stomach, which is still flat as a board, and silently promise to my child that I will never do anything that will cost them their life.
When I return to the Bureau, Matthew is standing outside.
"Hi, Tris" he says. I freeze.
"Hi" I mutter back.
"You got a minute?" he asks.
I shrug. "Fine."
I follow him inside down a narrow hallway until we reach a dead end.
Matthew stops and turns around to face me.
"So" he says, "how have you been?"
"Well, you know, it's not easy. I lost my whole family in less than a year. It will always be hard."
Matthew nods. "I know."
"Then why'd you ask?" I snap.
"I just wanted to know if was getting any easier" he says.
"Well, it's not" I tell him.
"Oh. I'm sorry."
"Me too" I say.
I bounce on the balls of my feet, about to leave when Matthew drops a hand on my shoulder.
"I wanted to talk to you about… something else."
I nod. "Okay."
He sighs deeply and scratches the back of his neck. "Listen, Tris, that night that we spent together… it meant a lot to me. And I'm sorry that I've been avoiding you. I'm just… sorry Tris" he says.
I stare at him. He's not making any sense.
"Did you really mean all the things you said to me that night?" I whisper.
Matthew doesn't say anything. He just stares blankly at me.
I roll my eyes. "Yeah" I say. "That's what I thought."
My hands ball into fists and I storm off.
But not before turning around and saying, "Oh yeah, by the way, I'm pregnant."
As I continue to walk further down the hallways of the Bureau, my anger fades. I press my hands to my cheeks. They are warm. I scold myself for being this way around Matthew. He's just a boy, no older than Tobias. I shake my head.
I eventually find myself by a large window overlooking the airplane terminals. I hug my knees to my chest and stare at the massive planes. I don't know how long I sit there until Matthew finds me and sits across from me. I don't look at him.
"You're pregnant?" he whispers.
To my surprise, he doesn't sound alarmed or too caught off guard.
I nod. He lets out a deep breath. "Wow. Tris, I'm sorry, I really didn't" "Spare me your apologies. I'm not even sure if it's yours."
He raises his eyebrows.
"After you and I… Tobias and I…"
I'm not prepared to see the hurt look on Matthew's face. He is obviously upset that Tobias and I are back together.
I should feel something. Sorry, surprised. But I don't.
Maybe he does care about me.
"Oh" he mumbles. "Bu there's still a chance that this child could be mine?"
I stare at him.
"Do you want it to be?" I ask.
He frowns and looks out the window.
"I don't know" he says. "I just want what's best for this child. And I'll do anything it takes for that to happen."
Matthew's cheeks are flushed and he blinks a few times before murmuring, "I have to go. Bye, Tris."
And he's gone.
For the first time in a month, I view Matthew in a different way.
He has shown me the intelligent side of him when he shared information about the experiment and the Bureau with me that I would've never discovered on my own.
He showed me the trustworthy part of him when he volunteered to help us wipe the memories of the Bureau.
He showed me the selfish part of him when he told me that he loved me then avoided me for six weeks.
But now he has shown me the caring side of him. He wants what is best for this child even if it's not his own.
I look into the dark hallway.
"Me too" I whisper, though he can't hear me.