Hey guys! Sorry its taking me longer to update, but with regents exams coming up I haven't found much time to write! I've decided that I'm going to ignore all bad reviews or any criticism. I'm not going to waste my time with rude bitches- you know who you are. Those of you who post kind reviews mean SO much more to me than those assholes! I'm also going to be writing a sequel to this called Somewhere Loved, which goes into more detail on Tris and Matthew's relationship and how they manage to raise their child. And I'll be writing two more after that, but I haven't come up with titles for them yet. I already have an epilogue planned for this fic and the final fic of this series. So here's Chapter 10- I have a feeling you all will like this one! And for those of you who don't know, Tris is now eight months pregnant.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything.
Chapter 10: Cruel World
"Tris" a voice says, softly. My eyes peel open, and my mother is kneeling next to my bed. She looks just like I remember her. Blonde hair tied back in a knot, light eyes and warm smile. She brushes a few strands of loose hair that are dangling in front of my eyes behind my ears. I manage to give her a smile back. "Mom" I say.
She nods. "Don't worry. Everything is going to be all right. You'll see." I'm not exactly sure what she means, but I nod. My mother grabs my hand and laces her fingers with mine.
"He will have his father's eyes, his mother's hair. A beautiful little boy" she whispers. My eyes suddenly feel lighter, and I open them wide. "Mom" I say, "You know?"
She slowly pulls her hand from my grasp. "I love you, Beatrice" she says. She stands up, revealing her gray abnegation robes that she had worn as long as I could remember. "I love you, Mom" I say back, my voice strained. And then she's gone.
She never answered my question.
I wake up with dry eyes for a change. Last night's dream was the first one that made me feel secure and comforted rather than horrified and pained in nearly a year. My mother was taken away from me the day she was shot by the mind controlled dauntless soldiers during the attack on abnegation. But she never really left. I see her in myself when I look in a mirror. I feel her beside me in dreams. And just like everyone else I lost, I'll see her again.
Two weeks since I've moved into the apartment, and every day it's the same routine. I sit by my window and watch the sun glistening on the river. Zeke and Shauna visit as often as they can, putting new furniture in or just sitting with me and talking. Shauna even brings me a stuffed bear. It is light brown, with button eyes and nose.
"For the baby" she says. "I made it myself."
"It's amazing" I tell her. "Maybe I could give it to Tobias." I force a laugh, which turns into a sob. Shauna wraps her arms around me.
"Tris" she says sympathetically, "you haven't lost him for good. It isn't too late to fix this. He still loves you."
I sob harder into her shoulder, though I know she's right. Tobias and I can fix our relationship. We have before. But that was when I didn't have a child to worry about. Shauna squeezes my hand, and I know that I must be strong to have Tobias next to me again. I will have him back.
"Making up takes twice as strength as breaking up" Shauna says. "I know you can do it."
That night, I fall asleep uncomfortably on my side, clutching the bear tight to my chest, determined to never let it go.
The next morning, I'm sitting in my kitchen having breakfast. I stare at the empty chair across from me, imagining Tobias sitting there, his deep blue irises staring into mine, telling me that he loves me, promising he won't let me go as long as I don't let go of him. A tear slips out of the corner of my eye and into my oatmeal.
There's a knock at the door. My heart leaps, hoping that it's Tobias. But when I open the door and see Matthew standing there, it plummets back down.
"Hi, Tris" he says.
"Hi" I manage to say.
"You got a minute?" he asks.
"Sure" I say, "let's go inside."
Matthew follows me into the living room, and sits next to me on the couch. He looks at me, and for a second I think he is going to reach out and grab my hand, but instead he just folds them in his lap.
For a few seconds, both of us are quiet, avoiding eye contact with each other. He probably feels as awkward as I do right now. I haven't spoken to him since the night I told him that the baby was his. I knew that things wouldn't run smoothly between us after everything that's happened, but he did tell me that he wanted what was best for this child. And after the lies he's told me, does he at least still believe that?
Finally, I'm the one who breaks the silence.
"Thank you. For this apartment."
He stares at me.
"It's beautiful, Matthew. It really is. I love it."
Matthew smiles. "You're welcome. I'm glad you like it."
He turns a little so that he is facing me. "Tris" he says. "I actually came here because I think we need to talk about this."
I nod. "Absolutely."
He sighs. "First, I want to apologize. For everything I've done to hurt you. I never meant to come between you and Tobias."
He looks at me sympathetically. He is sincerely sorry. My body fills with warmth, and I feel safe, just like the night we spent together in his apartment.
"Matthew, everything that's happened is just as my fault as it is yours."
"Not all of it" he says. "I should've came to you sooner. I'm just… afraid."
I look at him. "Of what?" I ask.
His gaze drifts to the floor for a few seconds, then lifts back up to me. "Of turning into my father" he says.
I stare at him, shocked.
"I try to hide the scars, but every morning when I wake up, I feel as if they are making themselves more visible upon my back. And it's only gotten worse since you told me that you were pregnant."
He looks at the floor again. I think about telling him about Tobias. About how he had an abusive father and that his most horrid fear is of him, or turning into him. But I stop myself. There is a reason that I'm the only one Tobias let into his fear landscape. Some things have to stay between us.
"I never knew that" I say quietly. "But Matthew, trust me, I'm just as scared as you are. I don't know how I can bring a child into the world where I lost my parents, my friends."
Matthew nods. "Yeah" he agrees. "It's a cruel world."
He slides one of his hands across the couch, closer to mine.
"This won't be easy, Matthew. But we'll make it work. We're in this together" I tell him.
He smiles. "I know" he says. He's quiet for a few seconds, but he continues to stare at me. "You remind me so much of her" he whispers.
"Of who?" I ask.
He shakes his head. "It doesn't matter" he says. "Not anymore."
It doesn't matter, not anymore. That was the same thing he had said to me when I asked him who haunts his nightmares.
He pushes himself up from the couch. "Thank you, Tris" he says. He starts toward the door.
That's when I feel the fluttering against my stomach. The fluttering that's been happening for almost a month now, that only means the baby's kicking.
"Matthew" I call after him. "Wait, I have to show you something."
Matthew turns around, and comes back to sit next to me on the couch. I grab his hand, and guide it over my swollen belly. Another kick.
Matthew's eyes widen, and he tries to pull his hand away out of alarm, but I squeeze it.
"No, it's okay" I whisper. I can feel Matthew's pulse beat through his fingers. He laughs lightly, and places both his hands over the bump. The baby's kicks get stronger and Matthew's smile gets wider.
"That's amazing" he says. "Does it hurt?"
"Not at all" I say. "The doctor told me that it is able to hear us. But I haven't really said anything directly to it."
Matthew's eyes flick up to mine. "There's not much to say" he says. I laugh a little, and the kicking stops.
Matthew looks worried. "What happened?" he asks. "Why did it stop?"
"It can't move all the time" I remind him. "It's exhausting."
Matthew laughs and takes his hands away from my stomach. "Thank you" he says. "That was incredible."
I lean my head against the back of the couch and think about telling Matthew about the dream I had. My mother's words still echo in my head. He will have his father's eyes and mother's hair, a beautiful little boy. But then quickly decide to keep it to myself. It was just a dream. It wasn't real.
"Listen" Matthew says, "there's also something else I need to tell you." He looks at me and grins a little. "I know the gender of the baby."
I can feel my eyes widen. "How?" I ask him.
"I know the doctor. She told me. She didn't tell you?" He looks surprised.
"I didn't ask her" I say. "I've been so overwhelmed these past few weeks."
Matthew looks down at the floor again. "Me too" he says.
After a few seconds pass, he gets up. "I better get going" he says.
I push myself up from the couch and follow him to the doorway. Before he steps out, he stops and leans against the doorway. We look into each other's eyes, and both smile. That's when he grabs my hand and slips something in between my fingers. Then he's gone.
I watch through the open door as he leaves. I sigh, and lean against the wall to see what he put in my hand. It is a folded up piece of paper. I unfold it carefully, and flatten out the wrinkles. In the center of the paper is writing in red ink. I hold it closer to read what it says:
It's a boy.