AN: Okay chapter 4, you get new chapters on or before Sunday at least once a week!

Tell me what you think with a review it's really really helpful I promise 3 Makes me wanna write so much. This fic is completely un-beta'd so tell me if ya see any mistakes.

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Chapter 4 – House Party

Nagisa didn't say anything about what he saw in the theater, in fact I had started to think my worrying was in vain, until Friday night when he knocked on the door to my room, "Hey Rin-chan!" his voice was full of its usual excitement, "I wanted to talk to you about something."

My heart pounded in my chest, no, no, no, please just ask me about practice or something, god no.

"Can I come in?" he pressed, with a soft smile.

I opened the door widely to allow him entrance, he shot me a smile and plopped down on Nitori's bed with a soft thump. I closed the door, "What did you wanna talk about?" I already knew of course, but I was praying to god he was here for some other reason.

"You actually, I didn't want to bring it up around Haru or Rei even, because well I didn't know what the situation was, but Rin-chan…are you gay?" His words were gentle, not threatening whatsoever, but that didn't stop my heart from beating a million miles an hour or my palms from getting clammy.

"Um…I…I'm not…I just…Uh…what? W-why would you? I mean…no." Smooth Rin. Smooth.

"Oh," he looked unconvinced, "I just thought…I mean you…" he tilted his head to the side slightly and stared at me, "Do you kiss all of your friends then?"

"I…no?"

"Well you kiss Haru then?"

My heart needed to calm the fuck down, "What?"

"I saw you kiss his hair at the movies Wednesday…If you and him are a thing, I'm you can tell me…" he shrugged obviously thinking of Rei, "I'm not gonna judge you."

"No! I mean, Haru and I are just friends…I…he's not…It's not like that."

"Do you want it to be like that?"

I remained quiet for a long time, my mind was racing, yes. Yes of course I wanted it to be like that hell he was perfect, funny and sweet, sexy and somehow still adorable, who didn't want that? Who would say no? A straight guy. I reminded myself. Straight people don't want that. That isn't how it works. God dammit, I was up the creek without a fucking paddle, I looked at Nagisa who awaited my answer patiently. Could I tell him? Could he help me? I took a deep breath, "It doesn't matter what I want."

"Maybe not," Nagisa looked at me hopefully, "But that doesn't answer my question."

"…I…I don't know okay…maybe?"

"Maybe?"

"Yeah, maybe, I guess I could possibly want that…"

"Rin…can you just say yes or no? I'm not gonna tell anyone, it's between you and me."

"Yes." It was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I could breathe again.

He smiled, "How long?"

My face felt hot, "Uh…always?"

"Always?"

"Since we were kids…I don't remember the exact moment," Lie. "but I know it was there."

"Why haven't you told him?"

My eyes widened, "Told him? Nagisa I can't tell anyone! Especially not Haru, Haru can never, ever, know about this. No one can. Not Gou, not Mako, not my mom. No one. I'd loose everything if anyone found out Nagisa. Everything. My family…Haru…that can't happen…"

"Everything? Rin, I don't think you need to worry about that."

"What do you mean? Of course I do. Nagisa, my mom would kill me. She'd never even look at me again if she found out. I'd be disowned before I could even apologize…"

"Maybe you're right…I mean I don't know your mom. I don't know how she would react, but I do know Gou, and Haru, and Makoto, and Rei, and Nitori…I know how they would react…and I promise you, you wouldn't lose any of them over this."

"Haru…I mean…he's…he can't know. He wouldn't look at me the same way. He might be okay with it, but he'd…it'd be awkward." I took a deep breath, "I don't think you understand Nagisa, this isn't a crush, I'm fucking in love with him. I haven't been able to think about anyone else since I left him back when we were eleven, and seeing him again, being near him…it's been…it's been hell because you know what? He still doesn't look at me the way I look at him. He still doesn't care. Nothing has changed aside from our age, I'm still hopelessly in love with him and he's still hopelessly in love with water…and I know that's never going to change, and I swear to you I love that part of him, I swear I do, but it hurts to look at the person you're in love with when they don't even look at you." I could feel myself starting to cry, "I don't expect him to be in love with me. I don't even expect him to think about me like that, that's fine. I'm okay with that, but if he knew…everything would change, I wouldn't even get to enjoy the little things. And god knows the little things are the only things I have." Tears burned my cheeks as I dropped down onto my bed.

Nagisa reached out and put a comforting hand on my thigh, "It's alright Rin-Rin, I understand…I won't tell him. I promise…if you want to keep it a secret then he'll never know, but you should understand, everything isn't as black and white as you think it is. I know it seems impossible, but there's always a chance that he feels the same way…I know it sounds farfetched, but love isn't always unrequited…he might be in the exact same boat as you Rin, maybe you just need to try tipping it and see where you end up?"

I doubted it. There was little to no chance Haru was in the same boat, but it felt good to say all the things that had been weighing on his heart for all those years. It felt good to get it off his chest.

I looked down at the blond who was now crouching on the floor beside my bed, "Thanks." I muttered, he knew I meant it. I could see it in his eyes, "For listening."

Nagisa stood, patting my shoulder comfortingly, "Anytime, and for the record, I think Gou would love it, just an observation."

I scoffed, "You're probably right."

"I'm one-hundred percent right."

This drew a laugh from my lips, "Thanks Nagisa."

"No problem Rin-chan!" he said skipping out of my room with a smile, I fell back on my bed more exhausted than I had been in a long, long time.

…

Saturday was spent mostly in preparation for Mikoshiba's party. Gou had texted me nearly thirty times in the last hour asking me if I was going. I'd only replied to half of them. All with yes, but apparently she wanted to be absolutely sure I was coming.

Makoto had convinced Haru to come, and Nitori had also agreed, meaning our whole dorm would be going, but we learned via social media sites it wasn't our dorm who'd be going, but almost all the athletes on the facility. Luckily for the party goers Mikoshiba was one of the few members of the swim team who lived off campus, he shared a house with the other four members who'd elected to say off campus, not that far off, a ten minute drive at worst, but far enough not to break any rules.

It was eight when Gou knocked on our door, she wore a simple pair of black shorts and a sheer button up, I rolled my eyes when I saw her, "Put on some real fucking clothes."

Gou crossed her arms, "It's just a bra Rin, you act like you've never seen a bra before?"

Not intentionally. No. "I have," answered cooly, "but I sure as hell don't wanna see yours thanks."

"Then don't look."

"You're such a brat."

"You're such a—"

Makoto appeared beside me cutting her off with a smile and a simple, "Gou, you look nice."

She tilted her head to the side and raised her eyebrows as if to say 'yeah asshole see, he thinks I look nice.'

I let out a exasperated sigh and flung myself down on the couch next to Nitori who was giggling at the whole interaction.

Gou sat down across from us, "Where's everyone else?"

"Haru is getting dressed," I explained trying to avoid the mental image, "and Nagisa and Rei left like three minutes before you got here, apparently Rei left his phone at the pool or something so they said they'd meet us there."

"Sounds like a code for pool sex." Gou said.

I watched as Mako and Nitori's eyes widened and laughed, "Probably."

Haru emerged from his room just as I said it throwing himself onto the couch between Nitori and I , "Probably what?"

"Rei and Nagisa left early to have sex not because he actually forgot his phone."

Haru looked completely un-phased, "Oh definitely."

"What?" Nitori spoke, his face was afire with blush, "How would you know?"

Haru reached behind him and pulled something out of the couch cushions, "Because I just sat on his phone." He said producing Rei's Blackberry.

Gou covered her mouth with her hand to stifle and laugh and I grinned at Mako and Nitori's who were both a bright shade of scarlet.

"Can we just go?" Makoto said standing up quickly.

Gou giggled, "Sure we can." She said pressing a kiss to Makoto's blushing cheek, which only deepened his blush. I would have probably raised hell if I didn't already feel bad for the guy.

She led the way out of the apartment and to the parking lot where the five of us piled into my sedan, Nitori, Gou, and Makoto in the back seat, me driving and Haru riding shotgun.

When we finally arrived at the party, we were greeted by a grinning Miikoshiba who's yellow eyes were glued to Gou, "Glad you guys could make it!" he said maintaining his prize winning smile.

"Thanks for inviting us!" Gou said with a cheery smile, Makoto gave Mikoshiba a follow up smile and Nitori also slipped in a thank you where Haru and I stayed silent considering I was only here to make sure no one touched my sister and he was only here because Makoto had told him he'd buy him a month's supply of mackerel if he agreed. So yeah neither of us was entirely thrilled about our current situation.

The others sauntered off leaving just Haru and I leaning awkwardly against the stair rail watching the intoxicated young people bob to music, or make out, or fall over, or one of the thousand other things drunk people did. It looked fun actually, at that point I needed a release anyway, for some reason since I'd told Nagisa about my…feelings…towards Haru I'd managed to make nearly every interaction between the two of us just that much more awkward. "Want a drink?" I had to raise my voice so that he could hear me over the music.

"Sure." He said, "I'll come with you."

We made our way to the kitchen where there was a collection of canned beers as well as a massive keg and an abundance of red solo cups. We both opted for the keg, filling out cups, I watched as Haru took a sip, he choked a bit on the bitter taste and I laughed, "First drink?" I asked.

He nodded, no surprise there, "That obvious."

"Yeah that disgusted face gave it away."

"This stuff is awful." He said glancing down at the liquid.

I raised my own cup to my lips and took a long drag, "Keep drinking, it begins to taste a hell of a lot better I swear."

Haru shrugged and took another sip, and another, and another, and another, and three cups later he was drunk off his ass and I was having trouble doing anything, but laughing. Lightweight. I mused watching him as he took yet another sip from his fourth cup of cheap ass beer.

"Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin," his breath was tainted with alcohol and his words were somewhat slurred, Haru reached for my face placing both his hands on either side of my face, "Rin, your teeth!" he seemed shocked by something.

I tried my hardest not to laugh, "What about them?" I asked, I was barely drunk at all, maybe a tad tipsy, but nowhere near Haru.

"They're sharp!"

I laughed flashing a grin, "Yeah they are."

He giggled, "I like it!" he said his face inches from mine, usually my heart would have been racing, but at this exact moment I was having trouble doing anything, but laughing as the usually stoic Haru turned into quite the average party goer.

He danced, badly I might add, but he dance, and drank, and laughed wildly. "Dance with me Rin!" he grabbed my hand, pulling me towards the other dancers.

I shook my head, "I'm okay."

"Riiiiin you have to dance."

"No, I really don't."

"But you dooo, come on, pleaaaaase?"

"Nope." Haru's grip tightened on my hand.

"You're gonna dance."

"No I'm not."

"Just one? One dance? Please, for me?"

"Why would I do anything to please you?"

"I don't know," he said looking a tiny bit confused, "but you're gonna."

I rolled my eyes, caving in and letting him pull me onto the dance floor. I proved to be a bit of a better dancer than my partner, but then again I wasn't nearly as drunk. The dancers moving around us made sure we had little to no personal space, I was pressed up against Haru who was swaying to the rhythm of the music, or at least trying to, like the beautiful idiot he was.

"See!" his voice was probably more cheerful than I'd ever heard it, "It's fun." He placed his hands on my hips then, but I wasn't sure whether it had been on purpose or subconsciously. It didn't matter, all that I knew was my heart was racing.

I laughed, "What am I gonna do with you, Haru?"

"You could," he pulled me a tiny bit closer and looked up into my eyes, "you could kiss me?"

My heart stopped beating.

Legitimately stopped.

In fact every fucking thing in my entire life stopped.

My brain, my heart, the fucking earth.

I had to be dreaming. This was not possible.

"What?" I snapped so quickly I hadn't even noticed I was alive yet.

Haru moved his hands from my hips snaking them up into my hair, "You could kiss me."

"I…" he leaned closer, his lips hovering just over mine when a loud crash rang though the room followed by the sound of my sisters voice over the music. Dammit. Damn fucking everything. I was so fucking close. I knew I couldn't do it now. I had to go find Gou, and I wasn't even sure Haru knew what he was doing right now…it was probably for the best.

I told Haru to stay put before running of in the direction of the crash just in time to see Mikoshiba baring his fists at some other guy from the team Gou cowered behind him, "Don't you fucking look at her do you understand me?" Mikoshiba shouted demanding the other guys attention.

"What you get to lay claim to her? You think she's yours for the taking because you're the captain?"

"That isn't it! What you did was borderline rape!"

At that point Gou had noticed me, and started towards me, her arms encircled my waist she buried her face into my shirt, I noticed she was crying.

My arms went around her automatically, "Gou, what's wrong? What happened?"

She sniffled, "…Akio…he uh…he…he tried to…" she was sobbing into my shirt.

My heart broke. Who the fuck thought it was okay to ever ever in a fucking million years put their filthy hands on my sister without her consent? Who the hell did this guy think he was? I was gonna kill him. I was gonna tear him limb from limb and then feed him to sharks. I raised my voice, "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER?"

"I didn't do shit!" the guys said spitting on the floor, "I was just having some fun."

"Fun? Did she say it was okay to have fun?"

"Bitch didn't say anything! What are you another one of her fucking boyfriends? Or are you the boyfriend, ya should know that whore has a ton."

Gou winced, "Excuse you asshole, this is my fucking little sister. Don't you dare fucking talk about her that way."

"She's clinging to like you like she clings to every other guy on the planet."

I felt Gou sob against me, "I do not!" she said, "I do not! I don't even have a boyfriend!" she shouted.

I soothed her hair with my hand, "It's okay Gou." I said softly.

"Ya gonna fight me or you gonna sit there like a fucking pussy?" the guy pressed stepping toward me, just as he did Mako pushed his was through the crowd.

"What the hell happened?" he asked, a bewildered expression on his face.

"Oh look another of her boyfriends!" Akio jested.

"Shut the hell up about her!" Mikoshiba shouted, "You don't even know her!"

"Mako." I said as calmly as possible, "Please…take Gou home. Call a taxi, take the bus, walk just get her out of here."

She sniffled again, "I don't wanna go without you…I don't…you're the only person I trust right now…" I could see the pain in her eyes as I looked at her.

"Mako won't hurt you, Gou. I promise, he'd never hurt you. I wouldn't let you go with him if I thought there was even a slight chance he'd do anything you didn't want. I need to take care of this asshole, and I promise I'll come see you as soon as I'm done here. I swear, but you need to get out of here like right now, okay?"

She balled her hands into the fabric of my shirt, "I…o-okay…"

I hugged her to my chest again and looked at Mako, "Take her home, ours, hers I don't really care just one of the two, call me as soon as she's there okay?"

He nodded, "Of course." He said, touching Gou on the shoulder lightly, she looked at me one last time, before moving to Mako, letting him warp her arms around her shoulders, and usher her out the front door.

"Hey!" Akio shouted, "Where ya going little bitch! I'm not done with you!"

"Like hell you are." I said throwing a punch, hitting the guy square in the jaw. Chants of 'fight!' erupted around us, I landed another punch, he swung at me, missing my face, but managing to get my shoulder pretty bad, I threw another punch raising his left shoulder, I managed a sharp jab to his ribs before he finally got my face, I felt the skin of my lip tear on impact and used my arm to deflect the next blow, at that point Mikoshiba stepped in to help finish him off, we beat him unconscious and I probably wouldn't have stopped if Mikoshiba hadn't pulled me off of him. I tugged out of his hold, just as my phone rang, Makoto's name flashed across the screen and I answered immediately, "Hello?" I said hoping Gou was okay.

"I brought her back to our place. I don't know what happened, she wouldn't say anything, but she's exhausted, I laid her down in my bed," I heard him move a little on the other end like he'd switched hands, "she's asleep now…you don't need to worry, she's been through something terrible I'm sure, but she's not doing any talking tonight. I'd say hurry home, but it doesn't matter either way, she's passed out, she won't know, but I bet you wanna be here huh?"

I nodded although I knew he couldn't see me, "I'll try and find Haru and Nitori and get going as soon as possible."

"Okay," he said calmly, "see you soon."

"Thanks Mako."

"No problem at all."

He ended the call.

I made my way back to where'd Haru and I had been dancing earlier my heart skipping a beat as I remember his request. You could kiss me. The words rang through my head, ricocheting, forming echoes, throughout my brain. I scanned the crowed for him, maybe I could still get that kiss? God know it would improve the shitty night I'd had, but as my eyes found their way to Haru, I found that my night just kept getting shittier. There he was…dancing in the arms of some girl, their lips matted together like wet hair. I wanted to vomit. I felt like I might actually. My head was spinning.

All I could think to do was grab the closest drink and chug. Drink away the image. Drink away the feelings. Drink away the entire god damn night. My lip was bleeding from where Akio had punched me as I drank, countless beverages, some that I'd just picked up off side tables and counter tops, I managed finally to forget. To stop feeling. I was dancing through the crowd nursing another beer when I ran into Nitori, "Rin?" he looked worried, "Rin oh my god areyou bleeding?"

I took a swig of my beer, "I think so…I don't remember…I was…?"

"God dammit," he took the drink from me. "How much have you had?"

"…Twenty? Thirty? I dunno…lost count after twenty-six."

"Twenty six? Rin why the hell would you drink twenty-six beers?

I pouted at the lack of beer in my hand, "To forget."

"Forget what?" Nitori asked, he looked genuinely concerned, I'm sure he had a good reason to be, but I honestly didn't give one flying fuck at the moment.

"Stuff." I answered simply, reaching for my drink.

He hit my hand away, "No. You've had enough, come on, I need to fix that lip."

I groaned, "Oh my god."

He dragged me into the kitchen, opening the freezer and retrieving a bag of frozen peas, and grabbing a rag from the sink, he pulled my face up gently, dabbing the cloth against my swollen lip carefully, "How did this happen?" he asked.

I shrugged, the details were fuzzy.

He shot me a sad smile and pressed the bag of peas to my lips, "Keep that there, I'm gonna get you some water, you need to sober up."

I did as I was told, he returned a minute later with a glass of water and some aspirin, "I don't want that." I mumbled hitting his hand away.

"You need to take it…"

"No I don't. I don't wanna."

"Then what do you want?" he said setting down the glass of water and the pills of the counter.

"I just…" I felt something crash over me, that dreaded image of Haru from earlier flashed through my head, "I just want to feel loved…"

"What? Rin what are you talking about?"

"Kiss me." The words left my lips before I could stop them.

"You're drunk."

I ignored him leaning in and pressing my lips against his, the kiss was frenzied. I ran my hands up, knotting them into his lavender hair, as I forced my tongue into his mouth, he groaned against my lips, I couldn't tell whether it was of pleasure or protest, but he didn't pull away, his hands encircled my waist and he pulled me into him, kissing me back in a way I certainly didn't deserve to be kissed. Not right now anyway…possibly not ever, I knew I should stop, pull away, or something, but I couldn't. I needed the warmth Nitori offered. I could pretend he was someone else…I could pretend I was kissing Haru, he'd never know, I just…I just needed someone…Anyone…to just like me. To want to kiss me back. To want to be with me. Just one fucking person. And even if Nitori wasn't that exact person, he was good enough. Anyone was good enough. A one legged French prostitute would have sufficed in that moment. I kept kissing him, my hands trailing along his body, stopping at the waist band of his jean, I tugged there, and he pulled away. "No Rin."

Sober me probably would have understood, but drunk me was confused as fuck, "…I thought you liked me?"

A smile twitched on his lips, "I do."

"But…not enough?"

He shook his head, "God no, I promise I like you enough…I swear…but Rin, you're drunk. Like really really drunk and in the morning you're not gonna feel this way."

"How do you know?" I captured his lips again, "I might."

"You won't…Rin it's pretty obvious…I mean, it's obvious I'm not the person you want to be kissing right now."

"Yes you are." I insisted.

"No. No I'm really not. We both know that…" he pulled away from me for good this time, "Where are your keys?" he asked.

I dug through my pockets and handed them over.

He pocketed them, "Stay right here Rin. Drink that water, take those pills, I'm gonna go find Haru. Don't move."

I nodded, and watched him disappear through the crowd, it took a minute, but I did in fact take the pills and drink the glass of water. It cleared my head a bit, and I immediately started to feel like a fucking asshole for doing what I did to Nitori. I thought about Gou and how she needed me, and cursed myself for being so damn selfish.

Twenty minutes later Nitori pushed me down onto my bed, I groaned, feeling the beginnings of a massive headache, and an even worse emotional toll.

Never again. I swore myself to a life of sobriety, Never fucking again.