A Light in the Dark
A/N A huge shoutout to my beta AlexSkywalker. Be sure to check out her stories as they are awesome!
Hopefully people that wanted Barbara and Cassandra in this story are happy I at least put in a small mention to their existence in this chapter.
After this there are only 3 more chapters. Don't kill me for the beginning of this chapter (you'll see why)
PLEASE REVIEW, it helps me to write good (I'm kidding about the grammar here)
Enjoy!
Chapter 17
"Who am I?"
Tim's question rocked Jason to his very core. He couldn't imagine a set-back such as this. Jason looked over to Roy, with as much confusion laced in his features as Tim, hoping the red head across from him had an answer.
'I don't know' mouthed Roy in silence afraid of startling Tim, who during this exchange was repeatedly whispering, asking like a mantra 'Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?'
As Roy started to take Tim's vitals again and look Tim over, Jason tried to get control of the situation. Tim's mantra started to get louder and he tried to sit up. Roy and Jason gently pushed the smaller boy back down, Jason putting himself in Tim's field of vision. He knew in order to get anywhere with this he had to quiet and calm Tim down.
"Okay, okay, ssshhh, shhhh, it's okay, it's alright," Jason said quietly as he smoothed back Tim's sweaty hair.
"Who am I?" Tim responded back, reaching for and finding Jason's hand. Once he found it, he clung onto it, like a lifeline, like clinging onto Jason was the one thing keeping him from slipping into total insanity, like he knew Jason. This seemed strange to the older man; if you didn't know anything going on around you, why you would hold onto someone's hand like that? Jason knew how he himself would respond: he would run - or cower in a corner - but he wouldn't reach out and hold onto someone.
"What do you mean 'who are you'? Talk to me," Jason said.
"If I'm not…..I, I…..am I….." Tim tried to start about a million different sentences all at once while obviously trying not to break out into tears again.
"Okay, okay, relax, just relax, one thing at a time. What do you mean 'who are you'? What is your name? Come on, look at me, it's me, come on, talk to me, just slow it down. Here, try this." Jason took the water bottle that Roy had retrieved earlier and helped Tim take a few sips of water.
"Okay, now let's try again: 'who are you'? What's that about?" Jason was about ready to burst. He couldn't handle it if Tim didn't know who he was, hell if he didn't know who he himself was, yet there was something strange about the way Tim was acting. Tim took a steadying breath and looked Jason in the eye, readjusting his grip on Jason's hand that he never let go of.
"I don't know. I mean, if I'm not Robin, am I still Tim Drake? Do I still stand for the same things? I don't know who I am anymore, what my life is." Tim stopped as the tears started to flow.
Jason physically sagged in relief. He just mistook Tim's meaning – it wasn't amnesia. Roy smiled, also relieved. Tim's sniffles and few tears broke way to open sobs. Tim looked so broken just lying there, having to rely on someone for his most basic needs, not having any direction to go in. Jason could remember such a time in his own life and knew what Tim was feeling…..complete and utter hopelessness. Jason knew it was up to him to remind Tim what he is…..what he has always been: a survivor.
"Oh God," Tim broke through a sob.
"Okay, come here, it's alright." Jason shushed Tim as he pulled the smaller boy up into a sitting position and into his lap. Tim fell against the older man's broad chest, still never letting go of his massive hand and Jason wrapped his other arm around small frail shoulders that were shuddering with each sob. Comforting people was not Jason's strong suit and doing so in front of an audience was damn near impossible for him. Jason looked up to Roy.
"Is he okay? He didn't do any damage did he?"
"No he's alright; just too much, too soon."
Jason nodded his head back at Roy, keeping a stare with him that eventually asked for privacy.
"Uh, okay, yah, I'll go make something to eat," Roy said as he stood, squeezing Tim's shoulder then ruffling Jason's hair (which he didn't get to finish from earlier), and earning himself a murderous glare from Jason. As Roy turned to close the bedroom door to fully give them privacy he noticed Jason had begun to rock Tim back and forth. It was quite a sight indeed and not one easily believed if one were simply to tell it. Roy wondered who was truly helping who here, as both men, older and younger were growing from the tragedy that brought them back together.
After the door closed, Jason just held Tim and slowly rocked back and forth, hoping to calm the boy while thinking of how he was going to handle this. Slowly Tim's sobs calmed into sniffles and Jason felt it was okay to begin.
"Tim? You with me?" Jason asked. Tim pulled slightly away and nodded his head. "Come on, let's get a little more comfortable first. Let me help you - just relax." Jason picked Tim up with ease and set him sitting up against the head board. Jason took up a similar position next to Tim.
"Tim, you need to take things one at a time. There are times you can't even start a sentence because you are trying to do fifty things at once. You need to focus on being Tim, and being a healthy Tim first. Whatever comes after that, whether it is Robin or some other form of vigilante will come later. Because the morals and values and things that you fought for as a vigilante come from within you as Tim Drake first."
"I'm not sure I even know who I am anymore."
"Maybe that's because you got so lost in being Robin and trying to please other people that you lost a little bit of that. But, by fighting to get healthy you will find out who you are as Tim Drake, I guarantee you that."
Tim scoffed. "How can you guarantee me that?"
"Because I've been there. Look, I know I don't talk about that time much but…..I had to re-learn everything - I don't mean the fighting stuff; surprisingly that came naturally like muscle memory. That came from being Robin. But, after the pit, and I don't remember all of it, but it's like I was this zombie not knowing who I was, all I knew how to do was react if attacked. I had to be cared for, for a while as well. It's not easy, especially with pride as big as ours, the way we grew up, so I get it, I do. But, I had to learn how to be me again, even if that meant I was a different person again."
"I'm not sure I even know how to do that."
"Okay this is going to sound sappy as shit but…..uh…..love." Jason mumbled.
"What?" Tim asked.
Jason sighed and turned to face Tim more.
"Love, alright? I didn't grow up with a lot of love but once Bruce adopted me I knew I was loved. You know, Dick always asks me why I keep coming back even after all the things I've done and it's because of love. I knew you guys would forgive me and maybe I kept coming back because I needed to feel that love. And, I still feel it with the people here and I know you do too. Look, the people who helped shape you into the person you are today - your parents, your friends, Bruce - they loved you."
"But they're gone."
"But, you still have people that love you. Alfred loves you, you still have friends and they love you; Damian in all his demonic glory I know for a fact loves you and I promised I wouldn't tell, but he was always concerned about you. Roy loves you. Dick, despite his screw up, is going nuts without you and loves you. And, when you are ready to forgive him, as I know you eventually will, you'll see that."
Tim shook his head "I don't think I can forgive him. He feels like just another casualty in my life, another tragedy, another person I have to survive. He's the reason I'm here right now."
"No kid. I'm sorry; you know I don't like what Dick did either and if anyone can relate to that I can, but there are a lot more reasons why you are where you are other than Dick."
Tim dipped his head as if to think about that for a second before realizing Jason left someone off his list.
"Are you going to be another casualty to me? Are you going to leave me too?"
Jason smiled back at Tim; nothing got past this kid.
"See, not much has changed, nothing gets past you. Kid, if I was going to leave I had 5,000 chances to do it instead of cleaning up your puke or carrying you around."
Tim looked down and mumbled, "I'm sorry."
Jason reached out, realizing this was coming across wrong, and pulled Tim's chin up so he was looking right at him.
"Hey, and yes, I love you too kid, alright?" Jason smiled. Tim finally smiled back, a genuine smile.
"How do I do this?"
"You get better first and you do this by letting us help you and accept the help. After that, if you still want to patrol the streets to help protect what you know is right then we'll go from there, and I'll be with you every step of the way."
"How did you know you were ready? To patrol the streets for good instead of just being so angry. I'm so angry."
"I'm still angry kid but look…..uh….." Jason took a breath, trying to think of how to put this. "Look, what we do, it comes with a cost. Too many of us have lost our loved ones and our families. We get so wrapped up in this crazy life that true happiness…..forever eludes us. For many of us the costs are almost too much to bear, so a little reminder of who we are, of what we work for on behalf of others, well, it can help."
Tim sat there with his mouth practically hanging open in shock. He never knew Jason could be so…..poetic, while still making such a valid point. It was enough for Tim to take the step he desperately needed to take.
"Jason?"
"Yah kid?"
"I need help…..please?" Tim then broke out into a sob and launched himself forward into Jason, wrapping his still frail arms around Jason and cried into the older man's chest once again. Jason, a bit shocked by the sudden action, realized what Tim had finally asked for…help. Jason wrapped his arms around the younger boy, letting him know that he wasn't going anywhere.
"No problem kid…..no problem."
About half an hour later, the bedroom door handle rattled, startling Roy out of his thoughts. He stood as the bedroom door slowly opened and Jason walked out carrying a sleeping Tim in his arms. The young boy's arms were wrapped around Jason's neck, the evidence of his earlier sobbing outburst still on his face. Jason gently laid Tim back out on the couch and covered him up before turning to Roy.
"Dinner ready? I think he's out for the night."
"Yah, sure, come on." Roy was confused, as things could have really gone either way the way it looked. Either Tim finally got it, or the kid just took another downward spiral. The two men sat down at the table and started eating.
"Thanks man, this looks great."
"No problem; I'll wrap up Tim's plate he can have it tomorrow. How uh…..how did it go?"
Jason looked back to the calmly sleeping Tim.
"I think he's going to be okay. He finally asked for help."
"You gave him something to fight for."
"I just put it in front of his face; he made the decision to fight for it."
"Don't sell yourself short Jay, you did good; the kid will be good, trust me."
"Don't leave me yet, Roy, I still need your help; Tim does too."
"Don't worry about it. I'll help out with Tim - I'll stick around as long as you need me, honest."
"Thanks man." Roy's phone then beeped again. "Dick still?" Roy nodded.
"Ya know, that medical equipment has to go back," Roy said with an obvious double meaning behind it.
"Yah, I'll take care of it." Jason was not looking forward to this.
When Jason once again arrived at the Batcave he was shocked to find the codes still hadn't been changed, thus allowing him access inside. He pulled Roy's car, packed with the 'borrowed' medical equipment, into the cave slowly, unsure of what to expect or the type of welcome he would receive. Upon exiting the car he saw Dick standing by the Batcave computer. The large screen illuminated the man's statuesque figure that appeared to have dropped some weight as well as his face which looked in a word…..wrecked. Dick was dressed in his work-out clothes, the ones he usually used to spar in; no doubt he was training Damian. Jason noticed a couple of tears in Dick's shirt; did Dick really allow Damian to get in a couple of hits, or was the older man that far gone? Dick just stood there staring at Jason.
"Surprised the codes are the same."
"It's so a certain someone can come home without any problems."
"Maybe one day he will."
"Is he still with you?" Dick started walking towards Jason.
"Look Dick-"
"Is he still with you?" Dick started running towards Jason. Jason stood his ground watching Dick run to him. Dick got in Jason's face, grabbing his shirt and jacket in his fists and pulled upwards. Dick was obviously trying to pull Jason off the ground trying to intimidate him. It was sad how badly he was failing.
"IS HE STILL WITH YOU?" Dick screamed in Jason's face. Jason just stood there, feeling Dick panting in his face, waiting for Dick to calm down some.
"Yes. He is."
"Is he alright? Just tell me he is alright."
"I can't do that."
Dick let go of Jason at that and took a couple of steps back.
"Is that what all the medical equipment was for?" At the mention of the equipment Jason remembered why he was there and, not wanting to be there any longer, he started to unload the equipment. He and Roy had been careful to clean and sterilize all the equipment, especially so Dick couldn't try to link Tim to any of it.
"I told you what the medical equipment was for."
"Yah right, 'a friend'; and would Tim happen to be that friend?" Dick asked trying to stay in Jason's face. Jason was doing his best to keep his temper in check and just started handing Dick pieces of the equipment, forcing him to help. Jason, of course, had kept some supplies for what Tim still needed in the future, but he also had no qualms coming back here and taking stuff if he needed it, for Tim.
"Dick, you need to stop."
"Yah I asked Roy about your friend-"
"You need to leave Roy out of this; he doesn't have anything to do with this."
"Yah, that's what he said, but you forgot something Jason: Roy and I were best friends for years - I know when he is lying!"
"Look, Tim is trying to find himself right now. He's not even sure which way is up right now. He's suffered a lot in a short amount of time. He needs to figure out what he is doing and it's his decision whether or not he wants to talk to you, but-"
"Jason, look here." Dick looked like he was about to cry. He put down the monitor he was carrying and faced Jason, getting on his knees. "Is this what you want? Do you want me to beg? Here, I'll beg." Dick grabbed Jason's hands and arms to steady himself while on his knees and started crying. "Please Jason! Please! Let me see him! Please let me just talk to him! Please! It's been over a month! He's my little brother! Please! I MISS HIM! Jason, I'll do anything just let me talk to him."
Jason heard footsteps on the stairs and knew without looking that Alfred was here. With the monitor being the last of the equipment and knowing Dick would be in good hands with Alfred, Jason decided to take his leave.
"I'm sorry Dick." Jason took a step back, causing Dick to collapse to all fours and Jason nodded to Alfred who smiled and nodded back, moving towards Dick. As Jason got into the car he could hear Dick's sobbing cries to Alfred. Alfred was trying to get Dick to stand up. All Dick could do was cling to Alfred's waist.
"Alfred, I've lost him! I've…..he's…..he won't even talk to me!"
"I'm sorry Master Richard, just give him more time. The Wayne men always find their way home."
Dick's cries filled the cave as Jason drove out.
The next few weeks seemed to go by quickly. Tim was making big strides in his recovery. Jason didn't tell Tim about his interaction with Dick and Tim didn't even mention Dick anymore. Tim had a couple small nightmares but nothing too bad. Now that Tim was up and about and ready to start training, Roy was ready to take his leave. Tim thanked Roy for everything and teased Jason that he could get his bed back. Every night Roy offered Jason his bed back and Tim offered to share the couch. Every night Jason declined and slept on the floor next to the couch where Tim slept.
Jason met Roy at the doorway to the apartment.
"Thank you, man, for everything. Really."
"Anytime - I mean that. Setbacks, questions - call me, don't be a stranger. Don't push him too hard or too fast." Roy reached out and hugged Jason who tried awkwardly to return the hug which made Roy chuckle. It had been a full month since Tim woke up and after Jason's interaction with Dick at the cave he had stopped calling Roy's phone.
After Roy left and Jason closed the door, the older man turned to the younger one.
"Ready to start training?"
A smile broke out on Tim's face. "Absolutely."
Training Tim was odd for Jason. Everything was there, Tim knew what to do and his muscles remembered; it was more a matter of stamina and eventually getting him back out on patrol and see how he did psychologically, as well as finding himself again.
A month passed of Jason training Tim when the time came for them to patrol. Jason knew it and Tim knew it. The two sat together on the couch in awkward silence after a training session during which Jason had finally told Tim he was ready.
"Is this still something you want to do?" Jason asked.
"Yes, absolutely, I just don't know how to do it without being…..Robin."
"So it's a matter of identity. Look, if you want - and only if you want - I have a costume. I never wore it here on this Earth but-" Jason paused as Tim looked at him confused. "It's a long story; we were in a different dimension looking for Ray Palmer, but the costume will probably fit you and it's yours. You can make any alterations to it that you want. Use some of the material from your other Robin costumes , name it what you want; it's all yours." Jason stood up and went into the bedroom, Tim following him. Jason disappeared into the closet and came out with a red costume.
"Thank you, Jason. I don't know what else to say." Tim's eyes widened as he took in the costume.
"Nothing else to say. When you're ready, the sewing kit is in the cabinet above the kitchen sink."
Jason was surprised when the kid got right to work. The day soon wore on and Jason kept his space from Tim, giving him what he needed.
"Tim, I'm going to bed. Do….uh…..you need any help with it?"
"No, I'm good Jason, thanks," Tim said without looking up. "I just wanna do it since I think it might help me find the identity I'm looking for."
Jason nodded and went to bed.
The next morning Jason stumbled out to family room, surprised to see Tim still working on the costume.
"Have you been working on this all night, kid?"
"Yah, I think I'm done. Hold on, I'm going to try it on!" Tim's voice sounded happy and so full of hope. Something Jason hadn't heard in his voice in a long time.
Tim returned from the bedroom wearing his new costume. It still had traces of his original Robin's costume; a tight fitting red and black top complete with safety measures and Kevlar, and red and black pants. He had a utility belt with extra compartments that crisscrossed his chest. It showed muscular-wise how far Tim had come in his recovery. The costume was accented with a black cape, black gloves with flat gauntlets and a simple domino mask. Jason smiled at Tim.
"Not bad kid, not bad. Have you, uh…..thought about a name?"
"I've gone back and forth between a few. I thought about a few ways to find my name."
"What do you mean 'ways to find a name'?"
"Well, both you and Bruce both went with things you feared. Bruce feared bats and you…..well…..the Red Hood was a previous identity of the Joker."
"Mmmmhmmmm," Jason grunted, unsure of where Tim was going with this.
"Well, I've decided to embrace the things I love in my name. So, I'm keeping Robin in the name but adding to it. I'm going to call myself Red Robin."
Jason looked Tim up and down causing Tim to chuckle.
"No, not because of the color of the costume. Let's just sat Robin Hood was already taken so I'm gonna go with Red Robin." Jason's jaw dropped. "You helped me get here, Jason, I couldn't have done this without you and I can't thank you enough."
Jason was dumbfounded and speechless. Tim was partially naming his costume after him. What does one say to that?
Overcome with emotion he did a very un-Jason like thing. Jason wrapped his arm around the younger man's shoulders and pulled him close, resting his chin on top of his brother's head.
"Thanks kid," Jason whispered sand kissed the top of Tim's head, ruffling his hair.
The two men shared a smile, a perfect, genuine smile, one that they had been waiting to share for years.
A/N: Ok please don't kill me that I left you on a cliffhanger thinking it was amnesia and it wasn't. Only about three more chapters to go from this point. Next chapter might be smaller, like lot smaller. Ok ready set go read and REVIEW.