AN: SUNDAY! 3 Hella! We have arrived! Okay hi! The new chapter is titled, "If I Ever Leave I Could Learn to Miss You" from Trade Mistakes by Panic! At The Disco. Mainly because in this chapter Rin has to make a choice which may result in distancing himself from a certain person. This chapter gets a bit deep a few times. Sorry! Hopefully you like it though, I did.

Thanks for reading and be sure to leave reviews or like if you haven't even short little comments make all the difference 3

Follow me on tumblr at: oswwinoswald or for anime at: aloisearltrancy if you want to say something or post something to go along with the fic I track the tags: oswwinoswald, fic: alienation, and oswwinoswald fic

Thanks soooo much again for all the support! 3

Chapter 5 – If I Ever Leave I Could Learn to Miss You

The next morning the dorm was filled with the sounds of post-party-vomiting, pills being distributed, and tired groans. It was around eleven before I even thought of getting out of bed, my head was throbbing, and I'd vomited three times, but finally after about twenty aspirin I was feeling good enough to start the day. Nitori and Makoto, who'd barely had anything to drink, were acting as our nurses, bringing us pills and hot tea which was much appreciated. Thank god it was Sunday and there was no practice because I was pretty sure I could hear other members of the team gallantly throwing up through the walls.

After a fit of groans and three failed attempts at standing up I made my way into the living room, none of my roommates were lounging about like they usually were I figured they were either too sick or busy with their other charges, but I did notice Gou was slumped up against the couch in an oversized t-shirt staring into her tea with a rather lost expression.

"Gou?" I said sitting down beside her.

She didn't even look at me, she just curled into my side and tucked her head in the crook of my neck, "I'm sorry." She sniffed.

"Why are you sorry? You didn't do anything."

"I…I ruined your night."

I scoffed pressed a brotherly kiss to her hair, "You didn't ruin anything, I was there to keep assholes away you remember?" I paused regretting some of my choices from the evening, "I did a pretty shitty job, I guess."

She shook her head, "No you didn't…I'm just…I…I should have listened to you when you told me to put on clothes, I should have—"

"No Gou, I was joking, you looked great, and besides what you put on your body is your choice, you shouldn't have to worry about whether or not it's safe for you to dress how you want to dress. That guy was an asshole, and he got the shit beaten out of him because of it, but you didn't do anything wrong."

"But…I…"

"Look at me, Gou." I turned so that she could see my face, "You didn't do anything wrong. This is not your fault. At all. Do you wanna press charges? Because if you do we'll go up there right now and—" she cut me off.

"No. No…let's just…I just wanna forget about this."

I nodded, "Fine by me." I pulled at the fabric of the yellow shirt she was wearing, "Where'd this come from?"

She moved a bit to look down revealing a rather contorted looking penguin, "Makoto let me borrow it… he was really sweet last night."

I laughed, "He's really sweet all the time Gou. He's like the nicest person on the planet."

She smiled softly, "I know…"

"Do you like him?" I nudged her playfully.

"Maybe..." she giggled, "I mean I think I do…but he…he'd never—"

"Don't even say he'd never like you back because I'm ninety-percent sure he already does and also I mean look at you, you're the spitting image of me and everyone knows I'm hot as hell so you've got that going for you." I joked, earning me a playful slap.

"I hate you."

"I love you too." I told her.

"Sorry about your lip."

"Sorry about you're night."

She shrugged, "What can ya do?"

"Sadly not much." I muttered, as Nitori came into the room, he avoided eye contact, but smiled in our general direction.

"Do you want some tea?" he asked me, heading towards the kitchenette.

"Sure."

"Two sugars and milk?"

"You know me so well." I bragged, a few minutes later I was handed a cup of tea.

"You should go see Haru when you finish that, he keeps thinking I'm you, I think he has it the worst out of all of you guys."

I would've laughed if the image of him kissing that girl hadn't popped into my head, instead I managed a halfhearted smile, "It was his first time drinking after all."

"Really?" Nitori laughed, "Who'd have thought?"

"I know," I rolled my eyes, "he's so good at hiding it."

"Astoundingly good." I heard Makoto say from behind us. He looked absolutely fucking done with the entire world. "Hungover Haru is now officially the worst kind of Haru."

I almost scoffed, Pffft as if there's actually a context in which Haru could be the worst kind of anything.

"He's a light weight?" Gou peeped, still tucked into my side.

"Undoubtedly so." Mako groaned slinging himself down on the other side of her.

"I'm gonna go check on him." I said, Gou let me go and took a sip of her tea, as I headed out of the room and into Haru's.

"Haru?" I said peering inside.

"Rin?" his voice was groggy.

"Yeah, it's me." It almost hurt to look at him, but I put on a brave face.

"Thank god, I've been looking for you everywhere…" he sat up in bed, "I've been meaning to apologize."

My heart drummed in my chest, "For what?"

"I…did I try and like…kiss you?" I knew his memories were foggy.

I nodded, "You did."

His eyes got wide, "I did kiss you?"

"No you did try to kiss me."

"Oh…I'm sorry about that…I don't know…I mean…sorry."

I snorted, "It's fine man." I walked over and sat on the edge of his bed.

He grimaced, "It isn't fine at all though…"

"Why wouldn't it be fine? You didn't actually—"

"It wasn't supposed to be that way."

"What?" I was pretty sure I was dying.

"You weren't supposed to find out…I mean…like that…"

"Find out what?"

"That I'm I mean…you know."

Was he fucking coming out to me right now? What the fuck? Was this actually happening? "Gay?"

He was quiet for a long time, "Pan…but yeah…sure."

And there it was. "I…" I didn't know exactly what to say, "Haru, it doesn't matter to me what you like, I mean you're still you…"

"But I tried to kiss you…"

I shrugged, "You were drunk."

"But I…" he stopped speaking like he was being insanely careful about what he said next.

"You what?"

He shook his head, "Never mind…"

I rolled my eyes, brushing it off, "You're an idiot." I said quietly, "Move over." He did as he was told scooting over so that I could fit on the bed.

"Thanks for understanding."

If only you knew. "Thanks for telling me."

"Did I have a choice?"

I snorted, "You really need to learn how to play the drunk card."

"Guess I'm an amateur?"

"You'll learn eventually," I said though some part of me doubted it, Haru was a smart person fact wise, but when it came to social interactions he had trouble, cute anti-social little shit.

We were silent for a long time before he finally asked, "We're okay right? I mean you're not worried about it or anything, right?"

"We're fine, I think you may have been out shinned by my sister on this particular occasion."

"Makoto told me what happened…" he looked up at me absent mindedly running his finger across my bottom hip, "You got hurt?"

The corners of my mouth twitched up in a proud smile, "You should see the other guy."

"You should put some peroxide on that."

"No way, I wanna flaunt my battle scars, none of that health bullshit for me."

"You still need to put some peroxide on it."

"What the hell is that gonna do?"

"Make sure it doesn't get infected dumb ass." He jabbed me playfully in the ribs.

I jabbed him back, "It won't get infected."

"I wouldn't be so sure, you have shit luck."

Praise every deity, hallelujah, bless us all. "Well you have a shit face so."

"We can't all be Abercrombie models."

I snorted, You could, nearly found its way out of my mouth, but I managed to suppress it, I threw my arms behind my head and shot him a sideways glace, "You're right, it's hard work being this breathtakingly sexy."

"It doesn't look that hard," he sat up and examined me quickly, "Let's try this…" Haru took his time situating his body in the exact same position as mine and shot me the same sideways glace I was giving him.

"Beautiful." I said, audibly there was sarcasm there, but mentally there was nothing but admiration because it was true. He was beautiful.

"I know." He said with a slight smirk.

"Do you?"

"Yep, I learned from the best."

Did he just? No. Stop. Probably not, I told myself, I let out a huff of air, "So I guess this means you're feeling better?"

"Nope actually, I feel like I'm about to vomit."

"I swear to god if you fucking—"

"I'll be fine if I lay down," he sunk back down onto the bed and groaned, "Wow, this is terrible."

"It's called a hangover."

"I was fine a minute ago."

I snorted, "Meds wore off, I'll go get you some—" I'd started to get off the bed, but he tugged me back down.

"I just want to sleep."

"Then sleep," I looked at him curiously, "I'll go find you some aspirin."

He pulled me back to him, his arms around my waist, holding me close for a second before he released me, pressing his face into my shoulder, "Just stay here…" his voice seemed suddenly drowsy, "Please…I just…I wanna sleep." He yawned against my chest.

I tried to calm my heart at the rate it was beating I thought maybe it'd prevent him from sleeping, but he didn't seemed to notice as sleep graced his features and I was left with my favorite sight in the world, a sight I didn't know was my favorite until that exact moment when I decided I'd give anything to wake up to it every day. Haruka Nanase asleep against my chest, our heart beats melting together, his features relaxed, his hair messy, I smiled, it was the most beautiful, relaxing sight I'd ever seen before.

All those weeks ago when he'd told me he show me a sight I'd never seen before…back when I thought it'd been the feeling of us swimming together, the sight of him in the water beside me…that didn't even compare to the sight he was showing me now.

God I loved him. I loved him, I loved him, I loved him. And in that moment I didn't care if that would change everything, I didn't care that I'd have no safety net to catch me when I fell, I didn't care that my mother would disapprove or what anyone else would think because the only thing that mattered right then was the small fact, "I love him." I whispered, almost completely inaudibly. I just wanted to hear myself say it. I just needed to make sure I knew. I love him.

…

I woke up the next morning to something tickling my neck. Through my groggy cloud of sleep it took me a minute to realize what it was, but when the realization came my whole body went numb. Haru. I willed myself to looked down, Haru was curled into my side, his lips hovering millimeters away from my neck, his light breaths fanning my hair out, his eyes were closed, his face was soft in sleep and I was reminded of the sight I'd seen last night and the sight I was waking up to this morning…beautiful. My eyes trailed over his body, he wore the same grey sweat pants and thin white shirt he'd been wearing yesterday, though during the night the shirt seemed to have ridden up, praise every deity, leaving a good portion of his toned chest visible. A noise settled in my throat, god dammit if I hadn't already had an erection I sure as hell did now…and it didn't help that a certain adorable black haired boy had his knee innocently pressed up against it beneath the cover of the blanket, he moved slightly forcing the noise past my lips, it was a sort of muffled moan that sounded a bit like a growl, I heard a chuckle from beside me, but I quickly noticed it hadn't come from Haru.

"Good morning to you too Rin." Mako said a sly smile crossing his lips.

"Shit." I whispered under my breath, how was I supposed to slip a 'no homo' into this awkward situation?

"Did you sleep well?"

"…Uh…yeah…" I mumbled.

"Do anything interesting?" If he was hoping I'd catch the drift, I fuckin caught it, with my face, and it nearly knocked the fucking air out of me.

I stammered over possible responses in my mind for a full minute, and then simply muttered, "No."

"You're lucky…" Mako said stretching his arms behind his head, "I've never seen Haru crush on anyone before."

"What?" I asked quickly, "He doesn't…we're just friends…I mean I'm straight." The lie left a bitter taste in my mouth.

Mako ignored me, "He doesn't like a lot of people…and he's not very good at expressing himself. He's easily impressed and distracted and it can make it difficult to tell when he genuinely likes people because though he's generally a pretty easy person to impress, when he likes people he never shows it…he just sort of acts indifferent, and that's annoying, I know, but if you'll notice he only acts indifferent when he actually cares…and I think he really cares about you Rin."

I didn't know what to say. It didn't feel like it, but then that was exactly what Mako had just said, so instead of replying directly to the subject I just stated bluntly, "That's…I mean nice, but I'm straight."

Again he ignored me, "You'd have to make a move or he never will…he's shy…"

"I'm not making any moves, I'm—"

"You keep saying that Rin, just who are you trying to convince? Me or you?"

I blinked, "W-what?"

"Are you trying to tell me you're straight or tell yourself you're straight, because if it's the latter do me a favor and just stop pretending you're someone you're not. If you act like you're straight no one's gonna end up happy. Not you, not Haru. No one. So please, if you're gay or bi or pan, or whatever, just tell him about it. Don't hurt him like that."

"I…it's…it's not that simple."

He laughed softly, "I know. I just…he deserves to know."

I shook my head deciding to go back to my roots which were about as natural as a drag queens make up, "There's nothing to know Mako…I'm straight."

"Hpmh." Was all Mako said pushing himself out of the bed, "Okay. I believe you." With that he left the room, and I got the feeling he didn't believe me at all.

I shook my head and wiggled my way out of bed without disturbing Haru. I showered and changed, and came back to wake him up as usual, I didn't tell him I'd stayed with him the entire night, I didn't tell him he'd been curved into my side less than two hours ago. I just woke him up like I did every day. Mako said nothing, Nitori said nothing, Nagisa said nothing, I said nothing, in fact all the facts that had somehow been drugged up about me and my sexuality didn't seem to exist among us. Everyone kept quiet, as we went about our daily routine, swim practice, lunch, more swim practice until dinner, then more swim practice, then home for showers and bed.

I thought I was the only one left awake that night when Nitori walked into the living room, "Hey." He said somewhat awkwardly.

"Hey…" I replied as casually as possible as he sat next to me on the small couch.

"Whatcha watchin?" he nodded to the TV screen.

"2012 Olympic team, just a bunch of replays and free style races."

"Is that Micheal Phelps?"

"Yep," I smiled, "I'm gonna beat him, I swear I am."

"His record you mean…he won't be swimming."

"Well duh." I said with a laugh I looked up at Nitori who smiled sheepishly, "Uh…Nitori I wanted to…apologize for what happened Saturday."

"Don't bother…it was nothing."

"It wasn't nothing. I shouldn't have…I mean…I was drunk and I wasn't thinking right, but…I'm not…"

"No I get it Rin. It's okay. I'm not mad."

"I feel like a fucking asshole."

"It isn't your fault you like someone else…Haru's a lucky gu—"

"Why does everyone think I like him?"

Nitori laughed nervously, "Because you do?"

"I don't!" I said sternly, I wanted him to believe it but how could he when I didn't even believe it?

"Yeah you do…and that's okay. As long as you're happy."

"I mean…I'm not exactly…happy…I mean…I'm just—"

"What are you so scared of?"

My eyes widened, "Hm?"

"Do you feel like you can't trust us? Is that it? Like we're gonna judge you if you come out, because look around you Rin, eighty percent of the people in this apartment are some sexuality other than straight…it's not like we're gonna abandon you if you tell us…"

"I…" I swallowed hard, "I can't be gay Nitori."

"What?"

"I can't. My whole life all I ever heard is that it's bad to be gay, a sin, or whatever…my mom never stops saying it Nitori…I…When I figured out that I liked Haru I was eleven years old and frankly it scares the shit out of me because I feel like if I'm not with him I can't be happy, but if I were to be with him she wouldn't let me be happy. I don't have a lot of family…Gou and my mom, they're all I have left…I can't lose them. And if I…If I say it out loud then I lose them. One of them at least."

"So what? You're just going to pretend to be straight? Marry some poor girl have 2.5 kids and a white picket fence and fuck twinks in the bathroom at cocktail parties? That's not a life Rin. You won't be happy."

"Yeah well…happiness isn't exactly something I'm used to anyway…"

Something changed in Nitori's eyes, "That's a shitty way to live life Rin!" he shouted, I shushed him quickly waiting for someone to wake up, but no one did, "You can't just accept an unhappy life! That's not fair! You don't deserve that!"

"I don't have a choice!" It came out as half a yell half a whisper.

"Yes you do! You don't know how she'll react!"

"I think I do Nitori!"

"You're gonna let yourself be miserable so that one person can be happy? One? How is that fair?"

"I never said it was, but she's my mom Nitori."

"If she can't love you for you she can't love you at all."

"She…I-it's complicated."

"Like hell it is. If it's so hard to love your child for something they can't help maybe you shouldn't be a mother."

Tears stung my eyes, I was angry, but no at him, I was angry because he was right, "I just want her to accept me." I stammered, "But she's not going to…so I'll just have to let her think she does."

"Then you're both living a lie Rin."

"At least one of us is happy."

"What about Haru?" he asked.

"What about Haru?" I repeated.

"You're just gonna ignore how you feel about him?"

"I've been doing it for six years."

"Yeah, but he wasn't right in front of you then."

I looked at my hands, "I know." And I did know, of course I fucking knew, it was so hard to stay away from something at arm's reach. It was so hard that it hurt, but I could deal with the pain. I could take the little things and make them seem bigger, and I would be fine. I could deal, "I can do it."

He looked worried, "Matsuoka-senpa—"

"I can do it. I'll be fine."

"Are you—"

"Yes." I handed him the remote, "I'm tired, I think I'm gonna go to sleep."

"Rin…I'm sorry…"

I shook my head as I stood up, "You didn't do anything. I'm in this position because of me. And I'll deal with it."

"Rin—"

"Don't worry about it Ai."

"I—"

"I'll see you in the morning, alright? I really need to sleep…"

He said something else, but I didn't hear. I was too busy thinking about what he'd said: So what? You're just going to pretend to be straight? Marry some poor girl have 2.5 kids and a white picket fence and fuck twinks in the bathroom at cocktail parties? That's not a life Rin. You won't be happy.

God that sounded horrible. That wasn't the kind of life I wanted. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to be myself…but…I also wanted my mom. I wanted to stay in her life. I wanted to keep being her son.

I had a decision to make.

I called Gou.