AN - Sunday has arrived! It is 1:49 am and I'm updating now because I'm going to Valhallacon with Ana tomorrow and I won't have anytime to upload the chapter, so you guys get it verrrrrrrrrrry early! I hope you like it! Chigusa Hanamura makes her first appearance and though it may seem doubtful by the end it won't be her last which will probably piss you off after you read the chapter, but yeah this thing with them isn't over yet. And the other thing that happens right at the end isn't really beginning yet, because 1. Rin does stupid things in the moment out of feelings because in case you haven't noticed that's just how Rin is and 2. Even though he does stupid things in the moment he still has problems accepting things he does/is.

Addressing a few tumblr asks: Rin isn't in denial over his sexuality anymore, he knows he's gay, however he isn't ready for other people to know and the fact that he's lost most control over hiding it is taking a bit of a toll on him, because he feels he needs to keep it secrets and people around him disagree, so right now he's denying them the simple pleasure of knowing for sure, he's trying to rebuild walls that fell down long ago and it's not really working, but he's trying and will continue to try as hard as possible which you'll see in this and upcoming chapters, he does do something that's gonna make that really really hard for him, but I'm just saying don't be surprised by any denials of sexuality claims, his mother is on the line here, he's gonna do what he needs to do, but feelings sometimes have other ideas. (That's a whole essay lemme stop)

Anyway, please tell me what you think with a comment! They encourage me so so so much! And if you have any questions you want me to see or want a little spoiler you can send me an ask adressing Alienation on tumblr at: oswwinoswald or aloisearltrancy.

If you want a spoiler or preview or something I'm sooo willing to give them if you drop me a friendly ask with a nice little spoiler request attached.

Thank you so so much for reading! 3 This chapter is pretttttty long so brace yourself.

PS: The title is from Summertime Sadness by Lana Del Rey and there is a quote right at the end and I guess you could use the "roll credits" reference if you like cinema sins where it says "Dancing through the universe alone" That is from Alienation by Morning Parade which inspired this fic.

Chapter 6 - Kiss Me Hard Before You Go

"A date?" Haru asked tilting his head to the side in confusion as I attempted to tie my tie.

"Yep, Gou set it up," I shrugged acting like I wasn't freaking out, "I decided what the hell, right? I mean I could use a girlfriend." Ew no no I could not use a girlfriend ew no. Ew.

He just shrugged, "Do you know anything about her yet?"

"Yeah, I met her once a few weeks ago, she was with Gou, her names is Hanamura? She's on the track team."

"Chigusa Hanamura?"

"Yeah I think."

"Oh…she's…nice. Pretty too, don't mess it up."

I glanced over my shoulder and grinned at him, "Me? Come on now Haru have a little faith."

He sighed, "Is Mako going too?"

"Hm?"

"He was putting on nice clothes earlier…"

"Oh! Yeah, he and Gou are coming."

"Double date? You don't seem like the type."

"And what type do I seem like?"

"Not the type who wears a jacket and tie on a first date with someone he barely knows, actually not someone who takes people on dates to at all, or wears ties unless he has to, you must really want to impress this girl?"

"Maybe I just want to look nice?" I said continuing to fumble with my tie, "And I totally take people on dates, how do you expect me to date people? Just point to them and shout, 'Yo we're dating. Cool? Cool.'?" He snickered and pushed himself up off my bed and rolled his eyes, grabbing the untied, slightly crumpled tie, that hung around my neck and tying it with ease, his eyes meeting mine as he fixed the knot snugly around my neck.

"Something like that." He said, "As for looking nice, you're aiming for the stars, Rin. Let's be real here." Well I do have a habit of setting unachievable goals.

"What?" I said raising an eyebrow, "Not your type?"

He just laughed, neither of us noticed how his hands lingered on my shoulders, "It'd be awkward if you were."

I snickered, "Haru, I'd be honored to be your type, after all that means I'm hot right?" I winked.

"Pffft, I'm way out of your league." He joked letting his arms fall back to his sides. Nah bitch I had no fucking clue thanks for reminding me.

"You have it backwards."

He looked at me seeming to ignore the comment, "I was right."

"What?"

"You're not the type of person to wear ties. You can't even tie one."

"I can, I just—"

"Oh that's why I just tied your tie for you."

"I didn't ask you to."

"You'd been trying to for a solid ten minutes."

"Shut up."

"Make me."

My heart clinched I was about to respond when I heard Mako through the door, "Hey! Rin! The girls are here, it's time to go!"

I glanced at Haru, "Coming!" I shouted, "Wish me luck?"

"Good luck jerk."

"Thanks bitch."

I left the room promptly, finding the three of them waiting for me by the door, Gou was dressed to the nines in a sixties style teal cocktail dress that was lace at the top and flowed into elegant tulle at the bottom, she smiled when she saw me, "Don't you look handsome?" she said with a broad smile nudging the shorter girl beside her who I remembered only vaugly, she was pretty, thing, but muscular like most athletes, she wore a loose ballerina pink dress with one shoulder embellished with tear shaped beads, her brown hair was tied into an artsy bun, and she smiled sweetly when she saw me.

"Hello," she was a bit calmer than my sister, thank god, "I'm Hanamura! We've met before but…"

I smiled, "Rin." I said, maybe this wouldn't be too bad? She seemed nice enough, she was pretty, she was an Olympian, the only thing wrong with her…she wasn't Haru.

"Should we get going?" Mako asked with a kind smile.

"Yeah." The rest of our party said in unison as he lead the way, we ended up taking Hanamura's car and Gou explained as we pulled up to the restaurant why the attire was necessary.

"Basically this is the nicest restaurant around the center, it's where all the coaches and investors dine and it's top notch. We have to look and act out best, you never know who'll be here, now we're here to have a good time, but Olympic judges like to come here so be on your best behavior."

I laughed, "Okay mom."

Hanamura snickered beside me.

And Mako who was opening Gou's door to let her out suppressed a laugh, smiling at Gou, "Let's just have a nice time alright?"

She gulped, and took his hand as she got out, "Totally. Yeah, I mean, let's have fun."

I let myself out, accidentally forgetting to open the door for Hanamura, but she didn't seem to mind she had no trouble opening her own door.

We went inside, Gou gave the hostess our names and we were seated almost immediately. The place had an earthy vide to it, all browns and greens, calming colors really, the menu contained everything from sushi to spaghetti, which Mako ordered without a second thought giving me the feeling some Lady and the Tramp shit was about to go down, ugh I'd have to watch that shit.

Gou ordered Shrimp and Hanamura settled on Caesar salad, well I was still deciding, my eyes found their way to the fish bit of the menu, where the word mackerel reminded me of Haru and Haru reminded me how much I'd rather be well anywhere else, but then I reminded myself I was the one who called Gou and begged her to set this up and therefore I was gonna deal with it. For the sake of my closeted homosexuality this was mandatory, I decided on the chicken parmesan after a few more minutes, and the table drifted into a comfortable conversation, until things started getting couple-y and I wanted to run and hide.

"This is such a romantic setting," Gou mused resting her head on Mako's shoulder.

He seemed pleased with the ordeal, I raised an eyebrow and he smiled.

"Yes!" Hanamura said, "It's so pretty in here, perfect for dates, don't you think Rin?"

I blinked and forced the tiniest of smiles, "Yeah, great for dates." I forced myself to scoot closer to her I could almost hear my mind hiss in protest.

She blushed, as a placed my arm around her shoulder, she looked at Gou, "How do you deal with all these cute boys twenty-four-seven, you're with Rin a lot, I bet his roommates are just as cute as he is."

Mako glanced at me, and I looked away, "I mean look at Mako?" Gou said nudging him playfully.

Mako blushed.

"And Nagisa and Rei are the cutest!" Gou beamed, "They're boyfriends and just adorable. And then there's Rin's kouhai Nitori-san. He's so sweet, dontcha think Rin? He's got the cutest little crush on you."

I tried not to think about kissing him, "He's a cute kid."

"Isn't he your roommate?" Hanamura asked a concerned look on her face.

"Yeah, he is." I said eyeing her suspiciously.

"Well aren't you worried he'll I mean try something? He has a crush on you after all."

"He'd never do anything without consent." Mako said sharply, like sharper than I imagined someone as soft spoken as Mako could ever manage.

"Yeah, but I mean sharing a room with him…isn't it weird?"

I shook my head, "Not at all. He's my friend. He likes me? Yeah so what…he's harmless really."

"But doesn't he watch you change? Isn't it weird to have a gay guy watch you change?"

I couldn't really find the words to argue, I knew where this was going, and I knew it was better to keep quiet, but Mako didn't seem to agree, his expression was twisted into some sort of disappointment, "Do you have a problem with it? Gays I mean."

"Uh, no, I mean I don't really care what people do in their free time, but it just seems like it'd be awkward." I let out a small sigh or relief, she was wrong, but at least she wasn't a homophobe.

"It's not." I assured her, "He knows I'm straight," he most certainly does not, "so he knows there's no point in trying anything, he's probably the nicest person I've ever met so it's not like I'd shun him just because he's gay. That'd be stupid."

"Oh." She said quietly, as the table fell into an uncomfortable silence.

It was a full five minutes before Gou spoke, "Hey! Look!" she pointed at the approaching waitress, "The food!"

"Oh good I'm starving." Hanamura said a bit awkwardly, I felt the tiniest bit bad for her, she was misinformed, it wasn't a crime, but it wasn't something that made me particularly excited to have her as my beard. Ew did I just used that word to describe her? Really? Wow I'm an asshole.

Thing settled down eventually, we were all comfortable again, the food was delicious, and the rest of dinner went on without at hitch.

As we walked back towards the car Gou's eyes lit up, "We should go for a walk!"

All three responses were different,

The "That's sounds awesome!" came from Hanamura.

The "Where do you want to walk?" came from Mako.

And the, "What?" came from me, because I'm eloquent like that.

"A walk! There's a park right down the street we could leave the car here, it'd be fun!"

I shrugged, "Why not?"

Gou smiled, "Yay!" she grabbed onto Mako's arm, "Let's go!" The two galloped ahead of Hanamura and I, Mako's hand slipping into Gou's, I could see the smile on his face from behind him. Absolutely adorable. And I imagined Gou's too.

"Hey!" I called cupping my hands around my mouth, "Touch my sister and I'll fucking kill you!" My voice wasn't threatening. I trusted Mako, I liked him, and I approved of him for my sister.

He looked over his shoulder at me, "I'd never dream of it!" he shouted back, the sarcasm was detectable, but I have him a thumbs up.

"You're really protective over her aren't you?" Hanamura asked.

"Yeah I mean I'm sure you know what happened two weeks ago, and she's my little sister I just wanna keep her safe, make sure she's alright."

She smiled, "That's sweet. So do you like Mako then?"

"He's a great guy and he'll take good care of her and if not I know where he lives so it's a win win."

She giggledsnorted, which was actually kind of cute, though I could tell she was embarrassed by it, I smiled though and once she finally stopped blushing she said, "I'm sorry by the way."

Wow an apology she was nicer than I thought, "Don't worry about it it's just, Mako and I have three gay roommates," I decided to exclude the recently de-closeted pansexual Haru because I didn't know if he'd be okay with that, "and they're some of our closest friends. You gotta understand though it's not awkward. It's not weird. If they wanna look let them look if not then whatever, I won't lose any sleep over it and I'll still be their friends in the morning."

"I see." She smiled, "I'm sorry, I've never really had any gay friends so I just thought…" she let the sentence trail off, "Anyway, I had a really nice time tonight thank you."

"It was Gou's idea."

"That's true, but thanks for being a nice date. Maybe we could do it again sometime?"

Oh great here it comes. "Yeah sure." I did my best not to sound turned off by the idea, she was nice after all, she was a nice girl and it wouldn't be that bad. It would be better if she had a dick. My mind laughed at me, fuck you mind.

Her smile brightened and she slipped her hand into mine, somehow I managed not to pull away, don't get me wrong though it's not that I find girls gross or anything, I usually don't mind them, like I don't wanna fuck them, but girls in general I had no problem with it's just holding her hand listening to her talk about our next date was making me feel sick. Like I was doing something wrong. And I was I mean technically I was only on this date to cover for my repressed homosexuality, but it wasn't my morals it was more like this feeling eating at my heart I couldn't quite place, well I suppose I could sort of place it, I'd felt it before when I was kissing Nitori, it was the I-wish-it-was-Haru feeling. I hated that feeling. Ugh why couldn't it be Haru? Why did it have to be this poor girl? And more importantly why was I living out Nitori's prediction. Why indulge it? I knew it wasn't what I wanted, but at the same time it was necessary to get what I wanted. I mean I had to try right? See if I could be with a girl? See if I could change, even if the thought made me sick to my stomach.

I was so busy focusing on not puking I didn't even hear Hanamura talking until she nudged my shoulder, "Are you listening?" she asked.

"Uh, sorry, we have assessments for final placement next week so I'm stressing." Technically only half a lie.

"Oh god, so do we! I'm freaking out, Coach says he thinks I'll either be doing 100 or 400 meter hurdling and I'm so scared, and also excited, but mainly terrified, I mean it's so soon, four months now? Wow can you believe we've been here two months?"

It felt like days, "Seems like we just got here. I'm supposed be doing 100 meter free and the relay. He's basically told us what we're doing, but he wants to make sure we're capable, hence the assessments." I thought about the relay which I'd be swimming with Mako, Nagisa, and Haru. A sort of calm washed over me. I'd be with Haru and it'd be great.

"A relay? Wow, you don't..." she seemed almost nervous about saying the next bit.

"Don't what?"

"Don't take this the wrong way, but you don't exactly seem like a team player."

"I can be when I like the game."

"You like replays?"

"When the right people are involved." Haru, Haru, Haru, Haru.

"Who's involved?"

I fought the urge to shout Haru, "Nagisa, Mako, Haru."

"Haruka Nanase?"

"Uh…" I glanced at her, "Yeah."

"Oh! He's supposed to be one of the stars of the team right?"

Pride swelled in my heart, but I managed to keep myself from bursting, "Yeah, Haru is great, he's one of the best swimmers I've ever seen, graceful, amazing form, and he genuinely loves water. Seriously that guy takes showers for three hours because he gets to be with water, it's like he's in love with it." Rin. Stop. Your gay is showing.

"He only swims free though right?"

"Yep, doesn't swim anything else."

"You swim free too yeah?"

"Uh huh. We have the exact same time actually in the 100 meter actually, but he'll be doing 200 in Rio."

"So is he like your rival then? Gotta beat his time and all that jazz?" Wow jazz? Seriously? Okay.

I smirked, "Not at all, Haru and I have been friends since we were eleven actually, he's my best friend."

"Aww! How nice! You two trained together all these years?"

"Well no…I moved to Australia for a while, but we're back now."

"G'day mate!" she said in a terrible Australian accent that actually properly cracked me up.

She smiled at me, "Want me to put some shrimp on tha barbie?" she winked.

I snorted, "That's ridiculous."

She laughed tilting her head to the side, "Thank you."

"Adorable." I commented, causing a deep blush to bounce over her cheeks, "Even cuter." I said. She was cute I wasn't lying, any straight guy would be going crazy over her, but I, sadly, was not a straight guy, and while I found her antics adorable there was still no attraction on my part.

She opened her mouth, but my cell phones ringtone cut her off, "Hello?" I said without looking at the caller ID, it was Gou, "At the car?" I listened, "Okay yeah, see you in ten." I ended the call, "They wanna meet at the car now."

She sighed, "Oh alright."

The walk back was calm, I personally would have called it boring, but I knew I was supposed to describe it as a comfortable silence, but I didn't really want to call it that because even though it was comfortable and there was silence I reserved that term for my time with Haru. Because there was a lot of comfortable silence during that time. Haru was a pretty silent person after all.

The girls dropped us by our dorm, Gou stepped out to hug Mako goodbye, and I noticed her steal a quick kiss on the cheek.

I managed a hug, but that was all I really wanted to give, that and a smile, as soon as the lobby door closed behind us I let out a breath I hadn't realized I was holding, "Did you have fun?" Makoto asked.

"Uh, yeah, we did."

"Do you wanna see her again?" I didn't know why, but there seemed to be some sort of challenge in his eyes like he knew what the real answer was.

"I think so." I said with a shrug.

"Do you like her?"

"She's sweet."

"Yes or no?"

"Why?"

"I'm curious."

"Does this have something to do with your fantasy that Haru likes me?"

"Probably. And it isn't a fantasy."

"Yeah it is, I'd know okay?"

He scoffed, "You're just as stupid as Haru when it comes to this."

I ignored him as I unlocked the door to our dorm, "Honies we're home!" I called.

Haru, Nagisa, and Rei were sitting on the couch watching some action movie and looking very bored, well Haru looked bored, Nagisa and Rei looked busy making out, I don't think I've ever seen Haru jump up so quickly, but before I knew it he was dragging me out the door, a bag in his hand.

"What are we doing?" I asked as he dragged me into the elevator.

"Swimming."

"What? Now?"

"Yes."

"I'm in a suit, Haru."

"Yes," he threw me the bag, "I know."

"You had a plan huh?"

"I was tired of watching Nagisa suck Rei's face."

"Where'd Nitori go?"

"Bed I think? Something about smart people making stupid choiced? I don't know, but I want to swim."

"Why didn't you go on your own?"

"Because I wanted to swim with you, is that a crime?"

"Not at all, just why'd you even wait if t bothered you?"

"Because I had to get you."

"I'd have met you there," I reached into my pocket and pulled out my phone, "there's this magical thing called texting."

"You were on a date."

"So?"

"So, I didn't want to disturb you."

"Oh god, shut up, you wouldn't have disturbed me."

"Not a good date?"

"No it was, I'm just saying I don't mind it when you text me idiot."

"Noted." He said, as we arrived at one of the many pools on campus, this one, which was closet to our dorm, was an outdoor pool.

"Haru this isn't a 24/7 pool."

He shrugged, "So what?"

"So we can't get in."

"Yeah we can," he said climbing over the fence without much hassle. Oh the things Haru will do for water, "See?" he said as he dropped to the ground on the other side.

I did the same, my movements a bit limited by my stupid suit, I stumbled a little on the decline.

"Graceful."

"Suit."

"Fair point, go change."

I laughed, and headed to the simple changing stalls on the opposite side of the pool area.

I returned to find him in the pool his body stirring the water as he glided through the water effortlessly, I hadn't even noticed when he said, "You're staring."

"Hm?" I asked, before my eyes got wide and I tried and failed to hide a blush, "Fuck, I'm…no I wasn't."

He smiled, "Get in."

I jumped in the water causing a splash big enough to bring a satisfied grin to my lips. Haru swam a few circles around me casually, "So are you gonna tell me?"

"Tell you what?" I asked bobbing up and down in the water.

"About the date."

"I already told you it was good."

My eyes fell into place with his as he circled closer, "Aren't friends supposed to talk about this sort of thing? Dates and stuff?"

"I don't know…" I said looking down, "not exactly used to having friends."

"Me either." he muttered.

"Then what's Mako?"

"Mako's not like you. He doesn't make me talk. He lets me be quite, but you, you make me talk. So I'm making you."

A tiny smile played at my lips and I tried to ignore it, "We had fun."

"Do you have anything in common?"

I thought about it, and realized I wasn't really sure. I'd spent most of the night thinking about Haru anyway, not exactly listening to her life story, guess I was a pretty shitty date when it came down to it, but she didn't seem to mind. "I'm not sure, I was sort of distracted." I realized all too soon I had absolutely no story to explain why I was distracted luckily Haru helped me out.

"Distracted by her looks?"

"Something like that." I found myself floating on my back looking up at the stars, Haru swam over to me, and copied my position, I smiled, it was hard…ya know…trying to look at the stars when you had something so much better floating next to you. Something so much more beautiful than any star could ever hope to be. I forced myself to breath, to focus on the stars, I calmed my heartbeat and closed my eyes. He was distracting. I was supposed to be freaking out over the pretty girl I'd just gone on a date with not the pretty boy floating beside me in a pool we'd broken into. I was supposed to be falling in love with her right now, not mulling over being in love with him. I opened my eyes slowly glancing at him from the corner of my eye, he was staring at the sky an expression of deep thought gracing his calm features, "What are you thinking about?" I asked quietly.

"How you might have had a better time if you'd gone on a real date."

I was confused, "I think a dinner date is pretty close to a real date don't you?"

"Maybe for some people, but not for you."

"Is this about your 'Rin doesn't take people out to dinner' theory?"

"Not a theory. I'd never seen you more uncomfortable looking than when you left in that tie, until you came home in that tie. You looked like you were in pain, you'd think if you hate formalities so much you'd just do something else."

"Like what?" I asked, it was barely audible. It wasn't the tie I was uncomfortable with.

"Like this." He moved his hands to gesture to our surroundings, "You're calm now, you look like you can breathe again."

Did I? That was ironic considering I'd been holding my breath ever since the fucking conversation started. "Water calms me." It was true. Water did calm me. Being in it or just around it was therapeutic, but not quite as therapeutic as Haru, even if being around him usually caused nine or ten consecutive heart attacks.

"Maybe next time you should bring her here?"

"Maybe I should."

We were quiet for a long time until he finally broke the silence, "Rin I was wondering, if I had kissed you that night would you still be here right now?"

Where had that come from? "I…"

"I've been thinking about it a lot. And I-I just want to know…How much do you think things would have changed."

I knew. I knew the answer. "Everything would have changed." I swam to the edge of the pool, and closed my eyes, 1…2…3…Don't do anything stupid. I told myself.

"Everything?"

"I don't think anything would have ever been the same again."

"I…I-I'm glad I didn't kiss you. I…I'm happy with how things are…I wouldn't want t-to…lose you…over something like that…" I could feel the pain in his voice, and I could hear how he was trying to ignore it, he swam up next to me pushing himself up on the ledge of the pool so that he could get out, but I yanked him back down.

"That's not what I…I mean…I didn't mean it like…y-you're not gonna lose me."

We hovered close together for a moment, he opened his mouth to say something, and I did something stupid. I cut him off, not with words, but with my lips. I pressed closer to him, drawing him in with my arms, he didn't fight me, didn't push me away, my tongue found its way past his lips fighting his for dominance which he finally conceded to, he melted into me, I melted into him, and a second, a useless fucking second that meant absolutely nothing to the whole of the universe, became the most important second of my life.

I knew it would end and our moment would be over and time would keep going, and thing would change, but in that moment we were dancing through the universe alone, holding onto a second that would inevitably end. And damn was I intent on never letting go.