Ch34

Randy

Two months later

Concussions are no fun. I know I've had several of them. This is Honor's first and it's bad. I took the time off to be with her because I know Avery is still training, it would kill Honor to have to ask Avery to stay with her. I've been there for a while now and it's time to give my character a break. Honor's been coming around and remembering stuff but she still can't remember everything. She has had to go to appointments several times over the last month and she's pissed that she can't continue to go after the title. Kaitlyn fucked that up for her.

Naturally, she's pissed at Kaitlyn for fucking up. I'm only upset that Kaitlyn was so careless in handling her work. But these are the factors that come with this job. It doesn't matter, she volunteered up for this the day she decided to pursue a place in this business.

"What do you want to do today Honor?" She and I are finishing up lunch in some weird little deli, the walls are covered in I guess what's supposed to be vintage artifacts from 1930s Hollywood.

"Wallowing in self-pity, ALONE, sounds kind of fun right now." She says as we walk to the car. I stare at her then bring my head to my hands and growl in frustration. I'll be damned if she spends another day coped up in the gym then heads straight to bed again. I don't want to leave her alone too much partly because Avery asked me not to and partly because I fear she might do something crazy.

Something in Avery's voice kept badgering me, pushing me to really watch her. She isn't supposed to be training too hard but she is. At kickboxing last Wednesday, Honor didn't care about the fact that her knuckles were busted and bleeding as she practiced. Hell, she almost got out of hand during sparring practice. Afterwards Honor didn't react to her injuries like they mattered. In fact, when I said something to her about it she completely checked out. After seeing that episode, I won't ever admit to Honor that she worries me. It's weird…

She seems to have a dark cloud above her and her snapping at me has hit home quite a few times. I know I have a killer stare but lately hers has been taking the cake. Honor has this muse in her eye that reminds me that she could snap at one moment.

"No. Honor, that's pathetic you're better than that." I glance at her. We pull over onto the freeway because I decide to take her to the beach again for the third time this week. Here is the only place where she at least can collect herself and speak to me like a normal person.

For a while, neither of us says anything so we slowly walk along the shore. In South Carolina the weather is always nice in the spring, I love visiting here because of the beach. Honor hates every second of being here and I don't know why.

"What are you thinking about Honor?" I ask just trying to pull her out of her mind.

"Everything and nothing…" She says sitting on one of the cement walls along the shore.

"Cryptic." I roll my eyes. I've had enough with her moodiness and stubbornness. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

Honor's eyes pierce straight through me and the emptiness in them cuts like a knife. I never thought I'd see this from her but as of today I can't forget it. I still hold my composure though she's still frosty, no kindness light up her eyes, "Randy you don't want to know what I'm thinking about. You want to know how to fix me."

"Honor,"

"No you asked and now you're going to listen." She stands up in front of me, "I hate this! I chose you. I didn't want to choose anyone! I want to choose me, wrestling, for once in my stupid life! Somehow, I managed to get involved with everything I said I wouldn't and it's killing me!"

"Honor- stop pushing me away. Stop being selfish and stop trying to run away! It's your damn fault we ended up here like this, now face it. Whether you like it or not that's what we are. Damn it! We've come too far for you to turn back now and I'll be damned if I'm going to let you blame me and run!"

"Why don't you do the running instead?" She dodges my touch.

"I'm not a coward. I don't run from my problems, unlike someone I know." I glare at her, the sight of her shaking me with rage again. She wants to push me away anyway she can just because she's afraid of what she wants. "Why are you so scared? Why are you so hell bent on destroying us?"

Cue the waterworks, she doesn't completely break down and sob; she hurriedly wipes the tears away. Her small nose is red and she looks utterly lost and upset. For a long pause she doesn't answer me and when I open up my mouth to say something she says, "I wish I could tell you Randy. I want everything and I want nothing. It always comes to those two words with me, 'everything' and 'nothing'; I hate it. I'm the biggest walking contradiction to ever grace this planet."

Her reasoning doesn't resonate with me; it still makes me question her thoughts. I can sympathize with her on the self-destruction before it even starts but I don't understand her reasons, "Honor why are you scared of having what you want?"

"I want it but I don't. I've always been that way…" That's a perfect contradiction.

"Honor you speak in riddles and I swear to you, it makes me nuts. What are you saying?" I fight the urge to shake some sense into her. This is the second time she's said something like this. It still doesn't make sense to me.

"Think about it Randy." She says numbly then goes into the water.

Watching her seek solace in the water tells me everything I need to know. Something is bothering her and she can't get over it. She can't disregard it and bury it. She wouldn't tackle something she knew she couldn't handle; she's not one to just make rash decisions. Both she and I knew that the very first time was going to happen. She knew it would be the catalyst for our relationship. What we didn't know was how. Honor knew once she got herself involved with me something would happen and that's the reason she kept trying to dodge it. But there was one circumstance… neither of us expected me to fall, so hard, for her the way I did.

I didn't expect to be so captivated by the stubborn, unorganized, charismatic, damsel in self-distress. Her vulnerability is her weakness and her strength. It's also the thing that confuses me about her.

Honor wears her heart on her sleeve and isn't afraid to show how she feels. She also isn't afraid to admit her problems so openly and be her own therapist. She's fucking crazy!

As we head back up the pier I decide to warn her in a calm manner, "Your riddles are old. Start spelling things out. I don't like having to decipher you, I fucking hate it. If you can't flat out answer me then I think next time you try to run I'll let you go."

No I won't. I can't stand the thought of someone else having her. Some of the edge in her eyes is gone but there is still a little of that volatility there. I don't know what she's thinking. That scares me indefinitely that I could always be wrong about what's going on in her head. The small handfuls of times I've guessed I got it right. Sooner or later though I will be wrong. Honor hugs her arms around her waist, squares her shoulders, and hardens her gaze.

Quite calmly she says to me, "Don't try to figure me out. That is the biggest mistake you can ever make. By me saying that I'm not being cocky or arrogant. Eventually I'll let you in; you just have to be patient. I have to deal with myself and that would be a hell of a lot easier if you didn't think I'm a riddle because I sure as hell don't think I am." Honor runs her hands through her ironed tresses and scrunches up her face then looks me straight in the eye. "Everything and nothing is me saying I want the whole world at my discretion and I want the simplicity of being insignificant. Hence my 'jailbreak attempts' I want you, all of you but I don't want the complications. We're completely different and I always think to myself, that I got myself into something that I had no idea about; then I think about how upset I'd be if I didn't go for it," She gives me a small smirk. She's standing in front of me looking so small and vulnerable yet so content and relieved.

"You know what I always think to myself?" Honor nods still with the smile on her face, I'm mocking her slightly. All my frustration towards her fizzles out and I realize she's a kid, but she's attracted to everything way too mature for her age…and now she's gonna pay the price for it. She'll learn… "How the hell did I end up with you? You are a wreck…but you're my disaster."

"Forgiven?" Honor comes closer to me than she has in the last two months and wraps her arms around my waist.

"We still have some things we need to talk about but you can start with some long overdue make up sex…then we'll see how I feel after." I bite the small section of skin along her shoulder.

Honor giggles then I feel a shiver run through her.

"I know a place where we can have a little fun…" Honor says standing on her tippy toes, flicking her tongue across my chest then grabbing my hand by two fingers she ushers me behind the sand dunes and away behind some of the beach houses.