Alienation

by oswwinoswald

2016 Summer Olympic AU: Rin Matsuoka and Haruka Nanase were childhood best friends and members of the same swim club, Rin starts to think of Haru as more than a friend, something he fears will not only destroy their friendship but also his family life. Panicked Rin leaves for Australia returning six years later, Olympic ready only to find Haru and a shit ton of undisclosed desires.

11. I Could Never Love You Back

AN: SCHOOL IS TOMORROW HOLY SHIT KILL ME. I had to get this to you. I went to a Panic! At the Disco concert and it fucked me in the ass like seriously my schedule is off and I'm not ready, but hey PANIC! AT THE FUCKING DISCO HAS BEEN MY FAVORITE BAND SINCE I WAS 5 AND IT WAS WORTH IT. Hahahahahahh here's the chapter, I like it, confrontation next chapter WOAHHHH

I love P!ATD so much they make an actual appearance in the fic and hey lots of fandom references I wanna know if you can catch the big one, but if not then okayyyyy.

We have P!ATD, Nightvale, Lord of the Rings, SNK, Sherlock, KNK, like a whole treasure trove.

I'll tell you right now I don't like the character we're bringing into the chapter because I think he's an asshole so yeah antagonist or the fic yay!

Thanks so much for all the support! Keep on commenting and leaving kudos it means the world to me and I love you all sooooooooooo much! Wish me luck at school ewww!

Extra questions? oswwinoswald or senpaimatsuoka on Tumblr :)

Gimme looove

Chapter 11 – I Could Never Love You Back

For the first time in our relationship Haru was the one with sweaty palms as we headed inside the building where The Paper Sun was filmed, led by the same pink haired girl as before who'd made the point of reintroducing herself as Mirai though I was positive Haru hadn't heard on word she'd said since they'd arrived, the cutie was literally shaking.

I squeezed his hand as we followed Mirai to the set, "It's gonna be fine, Haru, it' s only an hour, what could go wrong?"

It was easy to forget how little Haru actually spoke. Like sure to me, but to other people? He was a man of few words; interviews had to be a pain for him.

"So if you'll wait back here," Mirai said turning to look at us, there was a slight blush on her face when she said it, "Kanabara-Senpai will call you out in a moment." Originally I thought the blush was because she was just a generally flustered person, but now it seemed like maybe it had something to do with whoever Kanabara was, "The show is filmed in front of a live audience so try not to use an explicit curses if you can, we try and keep it PG as best we can, you have about an hour before you have to go on, Hiroomi will do some light make-up on you if that's okay," she blushed, "not that you two need it…but camera's play tricks."

Haru was silent, so I decided to answer, "That's fine, who else is on the show today?"

"Well our musical guest is an American group today called, Panic! At the Disco, I think, and we actually have some more swimmers here today, some from the Australian team, I don't know why Senpai would want interviews with them, but he does, I guess he's working some angle." She shrugged, "I wouldn't understand, I'm not very creative. A few activists. Also!" she seemed to get excited all of the sudden, "I think a voice actor is out there right now, Mamoru Miyano, have you heard of him?"

I shook my head, "No, I don't think I have."

"Oh! I thought your voices were similar," she blew some loose hair out of her eyes, "must be me. Anyway someone will give you a ten minute warning when the time comes, just be ready to go by then."

We nodded settling into the chairs that had been provided for us, Haru was knotting his hands together nervously, I looked around the set, there was a door leading onto the stage, a group of young men in shiny jackets were jumping around in the corner, all of them were attractive, I noted casually, one of them had grabbed the tallest one by the sides of his face and was singing soft notes specifically to him their lips brushing together softly, I heard the other one called him by name a few seconds later, "Brendon," was what I'd heard, and the one who'd been singing immediately turned around like he hadn't just been in an intimate situation with the tall one and looked in the direction his name had been called from, "Want me to sing to you too Spence?" he joked, giving the man a kiss on the cheek, a women with thick black hair and blue eyes laughed from the corner a little boy was sitting in her lap wearing a tiny jacket that matched Brendon's perfectly. Nothing I'd just seen made much since except that I was pretty sure there was quite a bit of sex going on between the four of them. Probably the band Mirai had mentioned. Across the room sat a young women with thick black hair, she was flipping through a rainbow colored journal, looking just as nervous as Haru, and speaking of he hadn't stopped shaking, I reached over and grabbed both of his hands.

"Are you nervous?" Haru tried to shake his head, but ended up nodded furiously, I laughed and kissed him, earning me a sharp whistle from Brendon, Haru blushed, and I ran a thumb over is hot cheeks, "I'll go get you some water okay, take a few deep breaths, there's nothing to worry about." I headed over to the snack table returning a minute later just in time to see the singer walking away from my boyfriend, I handed him a bottle of water, he looked slightly less shaken, "What'd he have to say?" I questioned quirking an eyebrow.

He nodded, "He said before a show he liked to think about his wife singing to him, two of his favorite things, even though she can't sing very well…"

"So what are you thinking about?"

"You…swimming."

I laughed, "That must not be very hard since it's like all I ever do."

"And you do it very well."

I smiled at him and caught his lips with mine, "So do you, drink your water."

"We should swim when we get back."

"I agree."

Haru nodded and sipped on his water a few minutes later a black haired boy with straight bangs sauntered over to us and began dusting our faces with powders I couldn't identify and didn't care too, Haru sneezed a few times as the brushes bristles tickled his nose, and damn it was cute.

The black haired boy then gave us our aforementioned ten minute warning.

Haru had straightened my collar about fourty times in those ten minutes, before I grabbed his hand and kissed it, "Me and water." I whispered receiving a small smile.

Mirai stood by the stage door with us, the announcement went through the room, she counted three on her fingers and opened the door, the room on the other side was full of people, there was a stage in the center where an attractive blond guy sat in a plaid sweater he was classically handsome the way you expect a TV host to be, Mirai led us to the couch her eyes shining as she watched the blond who thanked her for showing us to our seats, she replied with a tiny squeal and made her way back how she'd come.

He smiled, shaking our hands, and looking at the crowd, "Rin Matsuoka and Haruka Nanase everyone! The stars of the 2016 Olympic Team!"

The audience cheered.

I gave them an excited wave and Haru looked like he was going to vomit. I prayed to god that he didn't, placing my hand over his to comfort him best I could, "We're excited to be here." I said flashing a grin at the audience.

"This weeks been busy for you two am I right?"

"Insanely," he recounted everything that had happened, coming out, interviews, sex? This was like his god damn week. "hadn't really planned to go public about our relationship so soon, but hey what happens, happens."

"It was all an accident right? Concerning a teammate."

I laughed, "Nagisa, he's our roommate actually, he uh, he really likes Instagram. It was an innocent enough picture, but you see I hadn't actually told my mom yet so…"

The guys face was a priceless 'oh shit' expression, "Wow so you came out on accident? Bet you were pretty pissed?"

"Uh yeah at first, but my mom was insanely understanding about it so I guess I actually owe Nagisa a thank you."

"So you two are cool?"

"Yeah, he's apologized…like every other sentence literally, and he did actually help me out so…we're cool."

"It didn't take a toll on the relationship?"

Haru and I actually laughed, "Not at all."

"Good to hear, everyone's interested in you two, you're Japan's favorite couple, so tell me where'd you meet?"

I opened my mouth to answer, but apparently Haru was taking this question, "Eight years ago in Iwatobi he was in my swim class."

"Seven years? Wow! Childhood sweethearts then?"

"Not exactly…I mean…he's my best friend…I've always loved him, but we were kids then…and I didn't think about things that way, up until recently I didn't care about anything except water and swimming, and then I ran into Rin again, funny story actually because I'd just wanted to eat his roommates food, but when he opened the door…I just…" Haru blushed vibrantly and looked down, "he's beautiful."

My mind was racing. What? I was beautiful? That night…I mean…he seemed so…non-chalant, like he almost didn't notice, damn I wanted to kiss him. I always wanted to kiss him. Fuck. What was wrong with me, shit, I was so busy scolding I almost didn't notice Kanabara was asking me a question until Haru squeezed my hand.

"I'm sorry, what?"

"I was asking if it was the same for you?"

"Not exactly…I um…Haru was my first crush…I realized I liked him when I was eleven, but I was so scared of what people would think I literally left the country, I never stopped liking him and I guess somewhere along the way I fell in love with him…but I was scared and I was still scared for a long ass time after we reunited, but I sucked it up eventually," I held our entwined fingers over our heads, "obviously."

"First crush? Was he your first kiss too?"

The 'ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo' from the crowd was laugh worthy, it was like in middle school when someone got called to the office, I shook my head, "He wasn't," I thought back on it, my first kiss had been a girl…someone from school, nothing important, "sadly." I added.

There was a stream of 'awwww' from the audience.

"But he was your first love?"

I nodded, "First and last hopefully, falling in love is a pain in the ass."

"And what about you Haru?"

"First and last."

"So you're basically the power couple, fastest in the water, the Shark and the Dolphine."

I thought of the dolphin plushie on Haru's bed, "Where'd that name even come from?" I asked sort of curious, it was a new nickname, he'd never been called a shark before other than by his mother.

"Your teeth, tell me do you sharpen them or?"

I laughed, oh shit I always forgot about my teeth, "Nope, all na-tu-ral."

"Aren't they painful? Is kissing like hard?"

Haru just shook his head and leaned over planting a chaste kiss on my lips, "If kissing Rin ever starts becoming a difficult thing to do I'll let you know."

I blushed, damn him.

"You two are so cute, honestly, the fangirls are going crazy, speaking on fangirl, a few fans sent us questions for you, do you mind?"

"Not at all."

"Okay so, the first is from jaegerbombastic via tumblr and it is: Does who swims faster correspond with who, you knows, faster?"

I couldn't see past my blush god help me, fucking Christ, I tried to speak, but stumbled over my words a little, so Haru seemed to take it as his queue to answer, "Our speeds are exactly the same if that says anything."

The audience did that oooooo thing as I finally figured out how to work my lungs again.

Kanabara laughed, "Next question is from idontshaveforsherlockholmes on twitter: what's the last movie you watched together?"

"Allegiant…well…I mean…watched isn't really, he fell asleep on my shoulder, we weren't even together then, but it was the cutest thing ever. As athletes we don't get to go to the movies that often so it was a few months ago, but it was nice."

"Cute!" Kanabara laughed, "Okay next is from perfect_carlos1 on twitter and they ask: Would you rather live in Nightvale or Middle Earth?"

Haru cocked an eyebrow, "I only swim free?"

"Shit um…" I looked across the audience, "damn I have to say Nightvale only because I'd really like to kiss my boyfriend under the glowing lights above the Arby's sign."

"Okay last question, it says it's for Haru, from BrendonUrie via twitter: Did it work?"

Haru looked at me and smiled, like the tiniest hint of a smile ever, "Yeah."

"Okay! Thank you so much for coming to talk to us today."

We smiled and waved at the crowd, "Thanks for having us."

He nodded, "Up next we'll Panic! At the Disco singing a set from their new album, and after Australian swimmer Sousuke Yamazaki."

My heart stopped beating. What?

Sousuke.

What?

We were supposed to leave so they could bring the band out after the commercial break, but I couldn't move. What did they mean Sousuke Yamazaki? My Sousuke? What?

Haru tugged my sleeve, "Rin…are you okay?"

"Uh…I…Sousuke?"

"Yeah he's a swimmer like us, have you heard of him…"

"I…I know him."

"What?"

"He went to my school in Australia."

"He what?"

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. This was not happening.

Not Sousuke.

I hadn't left things on a good note with Sousuke…

"Jesus Rin…you're gonna waist away waiting for someone to tell you it's okay to be you."

The rain had soaked through my shirt, leaving it stuck against my body in the most awkward way.

"I'm not waiting for anything Sousuke. I am me. It's not my fault I'm straight. It's not my fault, so please just—"

"What? Just stop being in love with you? It doesn't work that way, Rin. You'd know. You're the one always crying over that girl, what's her name Haruka?"

"Shut up! You don't know what you're talking about!"

"You expect me to just forget how I feel about you?"

"No I just—"

"You don't care?"

"That isn't it, dammit, you know I care about you Sousuke you're the only friend I have I just—"

"You kissed me!" he was so angry I actually shrank back in fear at the force behind his words, "Stop lying Rin! I wasn't the one who kissed first!"

"Stop it! I didn't mean to, I was…I'm not—"

"You what? You have a girlfriend? You're straight? Who fucking cares? You still did it!"

"Would you stop fucking saying I have a girlfriend?"

"Then who the hell is Haruka?"

"It isn't your business!" The rain was picking up there was no choice but to shout.

"It is! If she's important enough to make you cry it is! Jesus! You say I don't know what I'm talking about, but you won't tell me anything. How would I even know? You're supposed to be my best friend, aren't you supposed to tell me shit? I love you Rin, why can't you trust me?"

"Because I don't do that! I don't trust people! It's not me. I can't I've got too much to lose." I spat, "I'm not gonna fall in love with you. I'm not gonna reciprocate. I can't. I know that seems shitty, but that's life. Life is shitty, it always has been. I won't say I'm in love with you, I kissed you I get it, I gave you false hope, but false is all it was okay? You give me shit for pining over Haruka, but I'm not gonna stop loving someone just because there's someone else. I don't expect you to stop loving me because I tell you I don't love you, but you have to understand. I can't and I won't. So just please. Please stop. Stop shouting at me and telling me to grow up or move on or trust you, because I won't do it."

"Why not? Why won't you give me a chance…I can—"

"Because…" I cut him off, "because I said I can't okay?" I turned to walk away.

"Rin!" he was shouting "Rin! Please! Stop!"

I didn't say a word I couldn't. He was my friend and I hurt him, but I wasn't going to lie to him. I kept walking. And a few days later I was home in Japan back with my mother reminding me why I couldn't confess my love for Haru, reminding me why I couldn't trust Sousuke, reminding me that at the end of the day life was never fair and we never got what we asked for. Be it a straight son, or the love of a friend, or an understanding parent. Life was shit. Life was fake. Life was a lie. And it always would be.

Haru pulled me out of my memory, "Hey are you okay? What happened?"

"I just…I really fucked up, Haru. I was so scared back then…I shouldn't have…"

"Hey…hey, it's okay, Rin…I'll be right back okay? You look like you're gonna be sick, let me get you some water.

I nodded, and slumped in the same chair I'd been sitting in back stage, when I heard someone say my name, "Rin?"

Sousuke.