Kim tried to stop herself from shaking. She had come downstairs to see what was keeping Shane just in time to hear Steve talk about a "plan" and Shane respond that he had no intention of getting John hurt. Then Steve had accused Shane of trying to get himself killed by going after Lawrence.
Stunned, Kim had been unable to stop herself from interrupting. Was he kidding? Lawrence Alamain was a sociopath, who had no conscience and acted with no remorse. With his resources, even a fully healthy Shane would struggle to bring him down. But in his current condition, it was suicide.
As Steve hastily left the room, Kim asked herself, Is that what he wants? After everything we've been through? After last night. . . . How can he just throw everything away?
No, she couldn't believe that. She just couldn't make sense of it. So she just stood there, waiting for Shane to speak.
He took his time before he finally said, "Kim."
"That's all you can say?" she asked, knowing she sounded hurt and betrayed. "Steve said 'Lawrence.' Was he right? Are you going after Lawrence Alamain?"
"Kim, you don't understand," he said.
Like hell I don't, she thought, struggling to keep control. "Oh, I think I understand plenty. You have to play the hero, even if you're barely fit. Why can't you understand for once? You're not invincible."
"I never said I was," Shane said, his voice tight. "And this isn't about playing a hero."
"Then what is it about?" Kim asked. As much as she wanted to lose control and yell at him, she told herself that she had to hear him out. They had been through too much in coming back together; she would not let that go without a fight.
Shane sighed and looked away. "This is something I have to do, Kim. I don't have a choice."
"Of course you have a choice," she insisted, though she still kept her voice low and even. "You have the choice to stay home, recover, and live a life with your family. But you can't do that if you go out and get yourself killed."
"And I can't do that if I'm in jail either," Shane said. "Don't you see? I can't be with you and the children if I'm in jail."
Now Kim was completely befuddled. "What are you talking about?" Did Shane think dying was better than going to jail? "Shane . . . you can't think like that. Dying isn't the answer."
"What?" It looked like it was Shane's turn to be confused. "No . . . wait . . . you don't understand," he said. "Kim, I'm going after Lawrence, because that's how I'm going to avoid going to jail."
Kim shook her head. That made no sense. "What does Lawrence have to do with you going to jail? I don't get it. We have a chance here, Shane. We have a chance to have a life together."
"I know that," Shane said, looking as if he was struggling to explain himself. "Look. . . ." He took a breath and seemed to force himself to calm. "Kim, I want our life together. If I stop Lawrence, we'll have that life. If I stop Lawrence from using his poison in Salem, the ISA won't be able to send me to jail. If I do that, they'll have to let me go."
Poison? Kim had no clue what Shane was talking about. "Shane," she said slowly. "What poison?" Then it hit her. Steve's description of what had happened to him when he was a captive. "The stuff they used on Steve? You think Lawrence is going to use that on Salem."
Shane hesitated, but then nodded. "Lawrence wants revenge on Salem. And he needs to show that the toxin he's developing is effective. What better way to accomplish both goals than using it here?"
Kim stared at him in disbelief. "And you were just keeping that secret? People should know, so they can protect themselves."
"No," Shane said, shaking his head. "There's a plan in place already to deal with it if it happens. If we publicized it, people would panic and Lawrence might target someplace else. Trust me. . . . I left the ISA with the best possible plan in place if the toxin is used here."
Kim took a few steps toward the window. How could Shane just stand there so calm when they were talking about a poison possibly being used against their friends and loved ones? But she had to admit he was right that word of the toxin would cause a panic.
None of that, however, addressed her more pressing concern.
"If the ISA has a plan, leave it to the ISA to deal with Lawrence." She turned to face him. "Why can't you do that?"
"I need to be the one to stop him," Shane replied. "That's the only way I can stay out of prison."
She want to call him crazy, but she could tell that Shane was completely serious. "How can you think one thing's connected to the other?"
"If I stop Lawrence, the ISA will have to say that I was working for them," Shane explained. "They can't admit that one man stopped Lawrence from dropping his gas on Salem, when the ISA couldn't. And when they do that, they won't be able to simultaneously claim in court that I wasn't working for them."
He had to be crazy. "If you stop Lawrence? Shane, what are you talking about? Lawrence Alamain is a killer - and you think you're going to stop him on your own?"
"Kim, it's the only way."
"No, it's not," she insisted. "What about the plea deal? It's three years, Shane." She stepped toward him and clasped his arm in her hands. "Three years, and then we'll be together in England with our children.
Shane took another deep breath and shook his head. "I can't just throw away that time. I've missed almost all of Jeannie's life and most of Andrew's. And I know you'll wait for me, but . . . but I don't want to miss a minute longer than I have to. If there's a way to avoid going to jail, I have to try. I have to fight to be with you and the children."
Kim could hear the sincerity in his voice, and she could understand why he so desperately wanted to stay with their family. But why couldn't he see the risk?
"Please, Shane," she said. She was nearly begging. "If you were healthy and you had the ISA's resources behind you, I could understand. But that's not the man you are right now. You couldn't even make love to me last night without passing out."
She mentally kicked herself for adding that last part when she saw Shane bristle.
"I see," he said tightly.
"I didn't mean it like that," she protested. "It's just that you're still injured. You haven't fully recovered yet."
Shane responded, a sharp edge to his voice. "And I'm never going to recover fully. You need to realize that Kim. If you can't . . . if you expect something more-"
"Stop it," Kim said. "Don't try to twist things to push me away, Shane Donovan. I know that's what you're doing. I don't care about how much you recover. I love you no matter what. But I'm in this for the long haul and can't you see that I don't what you to throw away that future because you won't face reality. You're not recovered enough right now. You need time-"
Shane cut her off. "I don't have time. While I'm trying to get better, my trial is coming closer and closer. It's what? Two-and-a-half weeks from now." His eyes locked on hers. "I need to do this, Kim. I need to try."
Kim wanted to scream. She wanted to yell and ask what if he found Lawrence and got himself killed? After everything that had happened, after they had finally fought their way back together, how could he risk losing everything?
But she couldn't. She knew Shane. She knew he was stubborn. She knew he would never back down once he set his mind to accomplishing something. And, she had to admit, that not long ago, she had been the one demanding to know why Shane was willing to give up without fighting to stay with his family. As much as she hated his plan, if it was the only way he thought he could stay with them, she would not be able to change his mind.
"It doesn't matter what I say, does it?" she asked.
Shane closed his eyes, answering her question.
"I know you're frightened, Kim." Shane opened his eyes and looked at her. "I know your biggest fear is that I might be killed, but don't you see that my biggest fear is losing you and our children."
"But you won't lose us," Kim said. "As long as you're alive, you can't lose us."
Why can't he understand? she asked herself. But she could see in his eyes that he refused to see things her way.
"I'm sorry," he said, softly. "I have to do this."
Kim could hear the regret in his voice, but she also could hear his determination. She turned, and looked at the photos of Shane and the children over the mantle.
"I know you're thinking you're doing what's best for our family," Kim said. "But what our family needs is you, and if it means that we have to wait three years for you, it's far better than your children never knowing you." She knew she was back to bashing her head against a wall and it was pointless to continue the argument, so she just said, "I love you, Shane Donovan, and I love you for wanting to do everything you can to stay with us, but it's not worth your life. Nothing's worth that."
He stared at her. "I love you too, Kim. . . . And I have no intention on letting anything happen to me"
Kim nodded, trying to think of what to say, then remembered the argument she had heard when she first walked in. "If that's really your intention, then let Steve and John help you," she said. "I heard you say you won't get John hurt, but I know you. The only way you can keep that promise is to try to do this alone. Don't. If you really love your family and want to come back to us, at least, let them help you."
"I. . . ." Shane hesitated. "I'll think about it, okay?" Then he looked down at the floor. "So where does this leave us?"
She knew what he was thinking. The last time they had fought after making love, she had left. No, she decided. I'm not going to do that again.
"It leaves us where we were before this morning," Kim said. "I love you and I'm not going to let any walls go back up between us." He looked confused at that, but she said, "I knew when I fell in love with you that you could be stubborn and headstrong, and you wouldn't be the man I fell in love with if I forced you to change. But I also want you to think about what you're putting at risk, so I'm going to be right there beside you, showing you what our life together can be like. Because, if nothing else, I'm going to make sure you know exactly what you're fighting for."