Brian stepped out of the cab still reeling from his realization and looked towards his true home. There was only one person he needed to talk to at this moment. His heart fluttered nervously as he approached the door. She had to be home; he needed her.
He opened the door and swung himself with his crutches over the threshold. The smell hit him instantly. It was the same smell that he would look forward to everyday walking home with Michael afterschool; that smell synonymous with home to Brian.
"Brian" Debbie hollered from her kitchen, "Hi honey. What in the world are you doing here?"
Brian plopped himself down on the ancient recliner in the Novotny family room and hooked his leg over the arm rest. He pulled the crocheted rainbow afghan that Debbie kept draped over the chair up and over his head and wrapped himself in it sinking into the warm embrace of the worn chair.
Debbie let out an amused laugh at Brian's theatrics but the look on the face of her second son, the one that came as a package deal with her actual son, and she instantly grew concerned. "Jesus Christ Baby, what happened to you?" she cried, "Is Gus ok? Lindsay?" she sat on the edge of the sofa and placed her hand on his knee offering her motherly comfort. She wanted to hug him but you had to tread carefully with Brian; he could be touchy about signs of affection.
Brian looked at Debbie and ruminated over how best to approach this subject. "Mom, I need the kitty jar" he whined.
Debbie's eyes grew wide, "What do you know about the kitty jar?" she asked sternly slapping his knee for good measure.
Brian rolled his eyes, "Give it up we've known about the kitty jar since we were fifteen. Bring it to me; my leg hurts" he sniped but at seeing Debbie's reaction to his poor manners he added a last minute "Please".
Debbie resisted for another minute at least long enough to ease her parental obligations and went to the bedroom to retrieve the cat-shaped ceramic jar where she stashed her pot, rolling papers and lighter.
She handed the jar to Brian and feigned disapproval as she watched her son expertly roll a joint and light it. He took a deep toke and passed it to her, "Is that marinara I smell?"
Debbie took a drag and passed the joint back to Brian and left him to fix her special brand of healing better known as lasagna. She waited silently as Brian shoveled the pasta into his mouth and smoked the joint. Once he was fed and high, she started probing to get to the bottom of his visit, "Is this about Michael moving with David?"
Brian shook his head giving a look of disgust at even the thought that he gave a shit about Michael's sugar daddy; "No it's about me" he clarified still formulating the correct words in his head. "I've been really unhappy lately" he explained, "and tonight I think I figured out why"
Debbie sighed, patting him on the leg as he spoke, "I know baby. Anyone who knows you knows how miserable you've been. Tell me."
Brian had a couple of false rambling starts before finally getting out the words that eluded him "I think I'm…well I might be…I'm gay." Brian sighed at saying it out loud for the first time. Still he knew he made the right choice saying them to the only person who would have no expectations or motives to react anyway other than authentically.
He peered at Debbie expecting to see shock or surprise but instead she just smiled warmly and said, "Well it took you long enough" and took another hit in such a nonchalant manner it was as if he had just told her something as benign as "I think I'll get a new haircut.
"You knew?" he asked in dismayed irritation, "Why didn't you tell me; you told Michael when he was ten?"
Debbie took another long pull and passed it back to Brian then picked up his plate and stuck a fork in his lasagna for a bite, chewing slowly while he waited impatiently for an explanation. "Oh Brian. I knew you were gay when Michael brought you home and I certainly knew it those times I caught you together with your dicks out. But you weren't like Michael. Your home life was so complicated. I figured why give you something else to worry about. Then when you went away to school and met Lindsay. I figured well he'll figure it out soon enough but then Gus came along and well six years later here we are." She shrugged casually taking another bite of lasagna.
Brian was crushed at the mention of Gus and Lindsay, "What am I supposed to do?" he whined, throwing his head back in an uncharacteristic drama queen move.
"You, you need to talk to your wife. It will be okay. You're both good people, good parents. She deserves to find someone who can love her like she should be loved and you, my sweet boy, you deserve the same."
Debbie treaded carefully on the next part, "Do me a favor though, and don't tell Michael right away".
Brian was perplexed at Debbie's request knowing more than anyone Michael would be thrilled if he was gay, "Debbie, I can't…I tell Michael everything. Why the hell not?"
Debbie exhaled slowly she hated asking him to keep secrets but sometimes it was the kinder choice. "You know Michael's been in love with you since you were thirteen" Debbie reasoned, "If you tell him now he won't move with David to Portland."
"Maybe he shouldn't be moving to Portland with David" Brian argued.
"Maybe not, but he needs to have a life that doesn't involve pining after you. If you tell him and he stays it will be for you and we both know you can't give him what he wants."
"I love Michael, always have, always will" Brian protested.
"I know that sweetheart" she said, "but you love him like a brother, not as a lover. He won't understand that. It will tear him apart."
"How do you know I don't love Michael as a lover?" Brian asked "I just figured out I was gay, I haven't even considered Mikey in that way."
"Brian, honey, if you felt that way towards Mikey or any of the other boys you would have figured this out a long time ago. You feel towards them what you feel towards Lindsay. No, I'm guessing that you met someone who despite your valiant efforts to never let another soul touch yours, has gotten in under the wire. And that's what's happened, hasn't it?"
Brian thought about Debbie's words but said nothing. Could this be what it felt like to be in love? Had it just never happened to him before? All this time with Lindsay, all this time he thought he loved her, was it no different than the way he felt towards Michael. He contemplated this and so much more. "So talk to Lindsay and tell her what? He asked her.
"Tell her what's in your heart; tell her you love her and you want her to be with someone who can give her what she needs." Debbie advised lovingly before smacking him abruptly on the back of his head, "but listen asshole for fuck's sake don't you stick your dick anywhere else until you do. She will be hurt enough as it is. Don't add to that pain." Debbie smashed Brian's cheeks together and kissed him.
Brian smiled at Debbie's unique style of foul mouthed heart-to-hearts. "What if I'm wrong? I mean I haven't acted on anything yet. What if I try it and find out I'm not gay?
Debbie rolled her eyes dismissively as if to say, "you're gay, accept it". Brian stayed at Debbie's house for another hour watching QVC with her before he felt he gathered up enough inner fortitude to have the necessary conversation with Lindsay. As he left Debbie's he worried he still hadn't figured out exactly how he was going to resist Justin.
Three days had gone by and Brian had still not said anything to Lindsay. He justified this mainly by the fact that Lindsay was rarely home and when she was home, she was spending time with Gus or Justin. Which was a problem since Brian was doing his best to avoid Justin all together. Brian knew he had to tell her tonight. She was leaving for New York tomorrow and there was no way he could be alone with Justin without talking to Lindsay first.
Brian planned to have a family dinner for Lindsay's farewell and then ask Justin to put Gus to bed so they could have a private chat. His plan was complicated by Lindsay's invitation to include Melanie in their dinner. As Lindsay finished up cooking, chatting with Melanie about the plans for New York; Brian went upstairs to check on Gus. Brian passed Justin's room and noticed that Justin was throwing things into his duffle bag from his closet.
"Going somewhere?" he asked casually.
Justin shot him a nasty look, "Like you give a shit!" he snarled.
Brian placed his hand on Justin's shoulder, an innocent touch but charged with emotion. Justin quickly removed his hand. "What's the matter with you?" Brian asked.
"Nothing, I'm going to Babylon tonight with Emmett and Ted." He answered coldly, "I'll stay with Emmett tonight it will be late before I get home."
"You can't go to Babylon! You're underage."
Justin smirked, 'I told you Brian, I'm blond and I have a…."
"yeah, yeah….a great ass" Brian finished "that still doesn't make you 21".
"Well it will get me in the door and whatever else I need" he offered a snarky smile. Brian hadn't so much as spoken to him since his offer. He was tired of waiting on what may never happen. He was gay and wanted to experience all that meant.
Brian looked gutted. "Please don't" he whispered.
"Don't what Brian? Don't fuck? I'm at my sexual peak, I gave you a chance and you blew me off. If you're not sure…if you don't want me…then I'll find someone who does"
"Justin please" he pulled him close by his waist using all his strength to hold back the floodgates, "I need one more day, please, I just need to talk to Lindsay" he begged him.
Justin took one look at Brian's eyes and understood the intensity of their mutual lust. Those lips were so kissable, he craved him. He felt desperate for him and the desperation needed to end right now. He closed the gap between them and parted Brian's lips with his tongue, a rush of warmth flowed through his entire body as he crushed his mouth to Brian's for the first time. It took Justin only a second to feel Brian initial hesitation dissolve. When he felt Brian's hand lift the hem of his shirt feeling the naked skin on his back; he knew. In one intentional touch Brian's true desire was confessed. Justin fought the urge to push further and faster than the situation allowed.
One small voice at the entry of the room shook Brian back to reality. Justin fell back on the bed after Brian issued a forceful shove upon hearing Gus call "Daddy".
"Gus" Brian squatted to his son so they were on eye level, "Hi Sonny Boy. I was just coming to find you for dinner."
"Mommy sent me to get you and Justin" he said still looking a little confused by what he had witnessed.
Justin and Brian exchanged a nervous glance as they followed Gus down the stairs to the table to join Melanie and Lindsay.
"Is Justin my uncle?" Gus asked to his parents as they sipped wine and ate in uncomfortable silence.
Lindsay smiled at her son, "No honey, Justin's a friend"
"Is Melanie my Uncle?" he asked again.
Lindsay looked at Brian to see if he understood where Gus's questions were coming from but saw nothing except a mirror of her own perplexed expression. "No Melanie is a friend too, Gus honey, why are you asking?"
"Well Daddy kisses Uncle Mikey and when I tried to kiss my friend at school and the teacher got me in bad trouble you told me that sometimes boys kiss boys but only like Uncle Mikey and Daddy" Gus explained.
Lindsay shifted uncomfortably in her chair and Brian made every attempt to avoid eye contact but before either of them could stop him he finished his six year old conclusion, "So I thought if Daddy kisses Justin and Mommy kisses Melanie, maybe they are my uncles too"
Brian and Lindsay both closed their eyes a little dizzy at processing the enormous impact Gus's flawed logic had for their lives. Lindsay started crying and Brian looked at the pain in his wife's eyes and the look of confusion on his son's face. He took a slow deep breath and walked next to his son's chair and tried to explain, "Gussy, you know mommy and daddy love you so much right?"
Gus nodded while Brian continued grabbing Lindsay's hand as he spoke and giving it a squeeze, "Grown-ups kiss on the lips when they want to show the other person that they really care about them. Usually that means a boy and girl, but sometimes it can be two boys or two girls. I care about mommy and Uncle Mikey so I kiss them both on the lips. The reason your teacher was upset when you kissed your friend is sometimes people don't understand when two boys and two girls care about each other so much that they want to kiss but just because they might not understand it, that doesn't make it wrong"
"But you care about Justin enough to kiss him on the lips?" Gus asked.
Brian nodded looking at Justin as he did. With Brian's confession, Lindsay stood up from the table and politely excused herself with a whisper seeking the refuge of her bedroom.
Melanie and Justin sat dumbfounded at what had just happened as Brian followed Lindsay to their bedroom. Had Brian just come out to his wife?
Brian knocked gently on the door before he entered, "Lindsay, are you okay?"
He sat next to her on their bed and pulled the pillow she was using to cover her face down gently, "I'm sorry" she whispered.
"Sorry is bullshit…" he said feeling the tears start to well up inside "…but me too. I really didn't know until Justin, I swear, I never would have proposed if I knew. I wouldn't have done that to you. I love you too much."
Lindsay wrapped her arms around Brian and felt him pull her close and use his free hand to stroke her hair, "So you're what bisexual, gay?"
Brian shrugged, "I don't really know, gay, I guess. Nothing's happened yet. It was just the one kiss but I've never felt like this. I've never, you know, wanted someone so much."
"So I'm the reason you're so miserable? Why you hate your life?" her speech broken by sniffles and tears.
"God no! Lindsay, look I love you and Gus. You both make my life so much better. I'm miserable because of me because I don't know what I am or what I'm doing. I'm just lost but when I'm with Justin, I just feel like maybe there's hope, you know, I just feel less lost"
"Do you love him?" Lindsay asked sincerely.
He sighed unwilling to make that leap "I don't know. It's just about the potential to feel something more. What about you? Melanie?"
Lindsay shook her head, "Nothing's happened between us. Gus saw her kiss me once, that's all there is. I love you so much but after the hospital when you told me you hated your life I just knew I needed to detach. She was there for me and she says she loves me in ways that you don't."
"In ways that I can't" he corrected. "I wish I could love you like you need to be loved. You gave me such a beautiful son. I want you to be happy."
"I want us to be happy" Lindsay corrected "so what now? We can't exactly afford two household and a divorce."
"I don't know Lindsay. We could sell the house? We should be able to get enough from the sale to buy two smaller places" Brian suggested.
She nodded, "and until then?"
"Do you want me to move out?" he asked sensing her desire was just that.
She shook her head, "It might be awkward with Justin living here with just me and Gus. You stay; Gus and I will stay with my parents when we get back from New York."
Brian shook his head, "I don't want Gus to leave his house. This will be confusing enough for him as it is. Why don't we both just stay until we can sell? Michael's leaving soon, Justin can live at Emmett's if that will make it more comfortable for you."
Lindsay nodded in agreement; her son's well-being was worth dealing with the uncomfortableness of the situation.
He hugged her again and they lay silently for a time holding each other saying good-bye to what was before they decided they should check on Gus.
They walked hand and hand down the stairs to see Justin coloring with Gus at the table, "Where's Melanie?" Lindsay asked.
"She said that she would see you at the airport in the morning" Justin relayed the message with embarrassment. "Lindsay, I'm really sorry, you know, for my part in this. I feel horrible."
Lindsay dismissed Justin's apology with a shake of her head, "I know. We all bear some of the blame" she looked at Brian as she spoke for his permission to say what needed to be said, "…but Brian and I need to do what's best for Gus. We've decided to sell the house so we can afford to live apart but in the meantime when I get back from New York, it would be easier if you were to live somewhere else. Brian is going to call Emmett and see about you staying there."
Justin nodded, his guilt bleeding through his pained expression. "I understand, I'm really sorry" he said as he stood up to leave them alone.
"Justin, I don't blame you. It's not your fault. The whole situation, it's just, well it's fucked up is what it is! Brian and I just need some time with Gus alone to do what needs to be done." She patted his arm as she spoke trying to convey just how sorry she was at kicking him out. She looked at Justin's angelic face as he stared intensely at Brian and felt the magnitude of the pull between for the first time. It truly was other-worldly.
Seeing Brian's benevolent expression as he gazed at Justin; Lindsay understood why Justin had named his painting "The Face of God". She just had no idea how much her life would change because of it.