Chapter V: Stag Night
A/N: This story was inspired by "The Thin White Sleuth…" by Pika-la-Cynique of Girls Next Door fame.
Transcript by Ariane DeVere aka Callie Sullivan.
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Jareth looked over at his nephew, who was lounging in Sarah's chair. "As you can see, no case. No Sarah. Nothing to do. You can just leave."
"That's not what Mum says," Dante said. He made a cup of espresso appear in his hand before taking a sip.
"Your Mother is not all knowing," Jareth said.
"She knows a lot," Dante said, "Including when you have diabolical plans."
"She should know. She taught me," Jareth said.
"Mum? Honestly?"
"Your Father is protective but not proactive." Jareth rolled his neck. "What do you want?"
"Nothing. Just wanted to see what this secret case is."
"As you can see, nothing is happening," Jareth said.
"Except in that blond noggin of yours. Come on. What is it?"
"If Sarah doesn't know, no one else has to know. Go tell your Mother that."
"She does worry," Dante said, "We all do. Even Sarah thinks you are a bit off and she married you, a sure sign of insanity."
Jareth gave a forced grin. "Goodbye, Dante."
Jareth's nephew shrugged. "Another day then, uncle."
Dante was gone. Jareth heard John and Sherlock stumble into the hallway downstairs. He went to investigate. Sherlock and John were lying on the bottom stairs leading to 221B, obviously drunk.
"And that is why I don't drink anymore," Jareth sighed.
Mrs. Hudson came out of 221A. "What are you doing back? I thought you were going to be out late."
Sherlock was slurring. "Ah, Hudders. What time is it?"
Mrs. Hudson glanced at her watch. "You've only been out two hours."
John and Sherlock tried to stand but fell back down, causing Jareth to laugh. The goblin went down to help them up. Sherlock seemed to be drunker, so he received Jareth's support as they went up the stairs.
"You should of come," Sherlock said, "Like old times."
"You forget, Sherlock, I was addicted to alcohol long before I was introduced to drugs. We may worry about you shooting up, but I have to worry about bottoms up," Jareth said.
John giggled. "He said bottom."
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Sherlock and John then tried to play a game of Rizla. John had a thin white piece of paper that said "Madonna" on his head while Sherlock had his own name on his head. Jareth declined to play as he was trying to decide how to get Sherlock and John to drink water so their hangovers would not be as awful. It was one of the worst Rizla games Jareth has seen. John even touched Sherlock's knee at one point. I should not have bet against Mrs. Hudson.
Sherlock said, "So I am human, I'm not as tall as people think I am... I'm nice-ish... clever, important to some people, but I tend to rub them up the wrong way." He laughed. "Got it."
"Go on, then," John said.
"I'm you, aren't I?" Sherlock said with glee.
Mrs. Hudson knocked at the door. "Ooh-ooh!"
"Thank the powers that be," Jareth said. He saw a young woman wearing a nurse's outfit with a cardigan over it standing with Mrs. Hudson.
"Client!" Mrs. Hudson said.
John and Sherlock gave a friendly, "Hello."
"Ma'am, I am Jareth King." Jareth shook the woman's hand before motioning to his friends. "This is my fellow detective, Sherlock Holmes and his partner, Dr. John Watson."
"Tessa," the nurse said.
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Sherlock and John stumbled over to the sofa while Tessa and Jareth sat in front of them on dining chairs. Tessa was hesitant in her story like many clients. It also did not help that Sherlock and John looked like they were going to fall asleep at any moment.
"I don't... a lot... I mean, I don't... date all that much... and he seemed... nice, you know?" Tessa said. "We seemed to automatically connect. We had one night – dinner, such interesting conversation. It was... lovely. To be honest, I'd love to have gone further... but I thought, 'No, this is special. Let's take it slowly, exchange numbers.' He said he'd get in touch and then..." She looked down at her hands as she tried not to cry. "Maybe he wasn't quite as keen as I was... but I just thought... at least he'd call to say that we were finished."
Tessa wiped a tear from her eye. Sherlock looked upset and seemed to sympathize… and then was confused that he was feeling sympathy.
The client took a deep breath. "I went round there, to his flat. No trace of him. Mr. King...I honestly think I had dinner... with a ghost."
Jareth said nothing. This woman is insane. Ghost aren't real. A banshee, maybe, but a ghost? Please.
"Fascinating!" Sherlock said, "John! Wake up! Apologies about my... you know... thing."
Jareth gaped at Sherlock. I have seen him high and act more sensible.
Tessa spoke again. "I checked with the landlord, and the man who lived there died. Heart attack. And there we are, having dinner one week on." She gave a print out to Sherlock. "And I found this thing online, sort of chat room thing for girls who think they're dating men from the spirit world."
Sherlock said, "Don't worry. I'll find him in ten minutes. What's your dog's name?"
Jareth grabbed Sherlock by his arm and dragged the drunk man into the kitchen. "What the bloody hell are you thinking?"
"It's fascinating," Sherlock said. He wobbled. "Not really a ghost, but acts like a ghost."
"Sherlock, there is a very simple explanation for this," Jareth said.
"AND I'M GOING TO SOLVE IT!" Sherlock said. He stumbled back over to John to wake him up. "John! Wake up! We're meant to... The game's…" He waved his hand. "...something."
John thought very hard for the answer. "On?"
"Yeah, that. That!" Sherlock said.
Jareth began turning off the lights in 221B. "Ma'am, all credit goes to me and all blame goes to the tall one."
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I have made a terrible mistake.
John was leaning against a pillar in the middle of the flat belonging to the dead man. Sherlock was stumbling around the room as he investigated various parts of the apartment. Tessa and the landlord looked at Sherlock's attempts at deduction warily. Jareth wanted to look away, but he had to make sure Sherlock did not crack his head open.
"See anything?" Tessa asked, "Any clues, Mr. Holmes?"
Sherlock thought for a moment before smiling. "I'm just going whip this out." He spun around struggled to pull out of his pocket his pouch of equipment. He shook off his coat and dropped it to the floor. After retrieving his magnifier, Sherlock tossed the pouch over his shoulder. He dropped to his knees on the white rug to investigate the carpet.
"You all right?" Tessa asked.
John said, "Yeah. He's clueing."
"What?" Tessa said.
"He's... He's clueing for looks," John said.
Jareth pinched the bridge of his nose. "He is looking for clues you moron."
Sherlock fell asleep on the carpet during the course of the conversation.
"I'm calling the police," the landlord said.
Tessa said, "Oh, no..."
The landlord hauled Sherlock up to his knees. Sherlock protested. The landlord took a few steps back. John looked ready to throw a punch (though he was physically incapable of it).
Tessa explained, "These are famous detectives. Jareth King and Sherlock Holmes and their partner, John Hamish Watson."
Sherlock huffed. "What do you think you're doing? Don't compromise the integrity of the..." He then vomited.
"Crime scene!" John added.
"Yeah, that," Sherlock said.
Jareth sunk to the floor and covered his face. I have been shot, stabbed, punched, kicked, electrocuted, whipped, beaten, drowned, suffocated, and yet I lived until this very moment. Death by embarrassment. This is the story of how I died.
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Jareth had the rest of the night to think after they had been arrested. Sherlock had fallen asleep on the only bench in the cell. John had dozed in a sitting position against the wall.
Sarah will murder me. She'll be happy that I am safe, but she'll murder me.
Early that morning, after the sun had entered the cell, they were bailed out. John was struggling to wake-up when Lestrade strolled into the cell.
"Wakey-wakey!" Lestrade said cheerfully.
"Oh my god. Greg. Is that Greg?" John said.
"Get up. I'm going to put the lot of you in a taxi. Managed to square things with the desk sergeant," Greg said as John tried to stand up. "What a couple of lightweights! You couldn't even make it to closing time!"
John said quietly, "Can you whisper?"
Lestrade then yelled in John's ear, "NOT REALLY!"
Sherlock sat up and gasped. He looked around in confusion.
"You are safe, Sherlock," Jareth said as he began to stand up, "No one is going to hurt you."
Sherlock nodded as he rubbed his eyes. He left the cell.
"How long am I to remain here?" Jareth asked.
"Oh, yeah. The wife," Greg said as he smiled, "Sarah says that you are to return to 221B immediately as you were in no way intoxicated during the events. However, you are going to get your arse kicked. Well, that last one was paraphrased. There was a bit more cursing in the original message."
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Sherlock went on about how the case would have been brilliant, but John finally got him to shut up for a few minutes. The men were dropped off at 221 Baker Street. John went to see if Mrs. Hudson had something for a hangover. Sherlock went down to 221C to do some research on the ghost boyfriend. Jareth slowly made his way up to 221B.
Sarah was sitting in Jareth's chair. She had her left leg thrown casually over the arm of the chair while she rested her hands on her stomach. "Close the door."
Jareth did and went to stand before Sarah. "May I speak?"
"Not yet," Sarah said, "Jareth, if you wanted to go out on the stag night, I am sure Sherlock and John would have found something non-alcoholic to do."
"Do you really think I would do something like that?" Jareth said.
"Yes," Sarah said, "I am not done. So shush."
Jareth grinned.
Sarah stood up. "You will wipe that grin off your face or I will take it off for you."
"I missed this," Jareth said.
"Are you saying you like me wanting to scream at you until your eardrums burst?" Sarah said.
"I miss you being defiant. You have been so serene, particularly since the baby. I thought that part had died out in you. As soon as you think I understand you, you go and do something like you are doing now."
Sarah grabbed Jareth by his shirt collar and pulled him close to her face, millimeters from her lips. "Jareth Miller, I am not a mystery to solve. I am a person. I am a person who loves her husband so much it hurts. I am angry at you for not caring about what you have spent years building just because you want to hang out with your buddies. You may be king in a few months, but right now you are a detective. You have not had a client dissatisfied with your work in the entire time I have known you. Pissed at you? Certainly, but not because of the quality of your work. You. Have. Failed. A. Client. You. Arrogant. Ass."
Jareth held Sarah's wrists. "I am aware."
"What are you going to do about it?" Sarah said.
"I will solve the client's case in a timely fashion," Jareth said.
"What else?" Sarah said.
"Sarah, please."
"Jareth."
He sighed. "I will apologize to the client."
"Good. That is what you need to do. Later." Sarah kissed him. "You have to apologize to me first."
"I may enjoy that as much as you," Jareth said.
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Jareth stroked Sarah's hair as she fell asleep next to him. "I am sorry that I scared you," Jareth said.
"Hmmm. Don't do something stupid without telling me first. I may make it less stupid."
"You certainly are the sane one of this operation," Jareth said.
Sarah smiled slightly as her breathing became more even. Jareth pulled her closer and kissed the top of her head. "My Sarah."
Jareth thought over the stress Sarah had been going through over the past few months. There was getting married, being married, training for her duties as queen, taking care of Sherlock, helping Mary and John, her friendship with Molly, the cases, her family, his family, working full time, and the baby. She seemed to handle it all with grace. He knew, however, that the added stress of helping Titania would break her.
Yes, he had guessed that Sarah's secret patient was Titania. It was the only person he could think of that could order for a human nurse and who could so irritate Joanna. Sarah may have been firm on her stance of client privacy, but Jareth was not. The sooner Titania's child was born, the sooner Sarah would be better.
I would hate to hear what poison Titania is telling Sarah. Joanna had better be reassuring my wife or I will set all of her fountains on fire.
Jareth moved and kissed Sarah's stomach. "Mommy works too hard, so let her sleep for a little while, son. No nausea for at least an hour."
He left Sarah to sleep. He dressed just in his trousers and a dressing gown before going downstairs to see the other detective. Sherlock was surrounded by laptops as he typed to various women who had dated the mysterious "Mayfly Man" (as Sherlock had dubbed the ghost boyfriend as he lived for only a day).
Jareth saw that Tessa was among the women being interviewed. He typed, "Hello. I am sorry for overestimating my partners' abilities last night. - Jareth".
Tessa replied, "No worries. He seems to be doing the job now."
Jareth stepped away from the computers and almost hit John in the face as he stretched. "Sorry," Jareth said.
"It's fine. You and Sarah alright then?" John asked.
"Everything is wonderful," Jareth said.
"No. No! NO!" Sherlock said as the women he was interviewing signed off of chat at the same time.
"Enjoy the wedding," Tessa said.
"Did you ask your bra size? I asked that in relation to a case to Sarah before we were together, and she slapped me," Jareth said.
"I asked if they had a secret and they all answered 'no' far too quickly," Sherlock said, "Why? Why would he date all of those women and not return their calls?"
"You're missing the obvious, mate," John said.
Sherlock turned to John. "Am I?"
"He's a man," John said.
Holmes began closing the laptops. "But why would he change his identity?"
"Maybe he's married," John said.
Sherlock stood up. "Oh."
Jareth smiled and patted John on the back. "I knew I liked you."
"You knew?" Sherlock said.
"I knew almost as soon as Tessa told us her story," Jareth said, "It's common enough. Always important to do a background check before dating someone to make sure they are not married. You may end up being chased around the Unseelie Court by an irate husband with an ax as he tries to remove… organs you are rather fond of."
"Speaking from experience?" John said.
"Even if I was, Sarah would already know… because my nephew is a brat and loves telling those sorts of stories."
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It was the night before John and Mary's wedding when Christiana appeared in a cloud of gold glitter in 221B. Jareth was on the couch with Sarah.
"What's wrong?" Jareth said.
"Titania has given birth. It's a girl," Christiana said, "The next few weeks are going to be critical in how we will be dealing with Titania. Please, try to keep to low profile cases."
"We have been doing that for the past few months. I am sure we will keep it up," Sarah said.
For now…
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A/N: I think the drunk scene is hilarious, but I based Jareth's experience on my own. It really is very awkward when a bunch of people are drunk and you are not.