Justin added the last few articles of clothing to his bag before forcefully pushing an extra pair of tennis shoes inside that stretched the canvas material close to a breaking point. He carefully inched the zipper closed praying the bag wouldn't tear under the strain. He glanced at the clock, it was nearly four in the afternoon, and his mother would be here any minute to take him to the airport.

It had only been two short weeks since Thanksgiving but so much had changed. His mother seemed less uncomfortable with his "lifestyle" as she preferred to call it. Debbie was getting her involved in PFLAG and for a suburban white woman raised in the church; Jennifer was making impressive strides towards true acceptance. She had asked Justin to live with her and his sister in their condo but his mother could only afford a two bedroom and Justin had no desire to give up what little privacy being at Deb's afforded him. After discussing it at length, Justin and Debbie convinced Jennifer that he was fine where he was.

Justin was anxious to get to New York. He was looking forward to the art show, to seeing the Columbia campus and mainly to having a distraction. He had spoken to Brian only once since Thanksgiving. The weekend after, Justin had finally gotten up the nerve to ask Brian to dinner for a proper date. After stammering for few minutes, Brian finally rejected him claiming he was too busy getting moved into his new place and starting his company. It was believable enough except Justin had seen Brian at Babylon with Michael that same weekend. He tried to get close enough to call him on his bullshit but before he could navigate the crowd; Brian had acquired a companion and was dragging him by the belt into the back room. It was the first time Justin has witnessed Brian with another man and it ripped him in two.

On the way to the airport he made small talk with his mother. Justin was only half-listening as she filled him in on the class she was taking in order to get her real estate license. A song playing on the radio captured his thoughts and images of Brian flashed through his brain as he listened to the lyrics.

love I get so lost, sometimes
days pass and this emptiness fills my heart
when I want to run away
I drive off in my car
but whichever way I go
I come back to the place you are

all my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes
I see the light and the heat
in your eyes
oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light
the heat I see in your eyes

love, I don't like to see so much pain
so much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away
I get so tired of working so hard for our survival
I look to the time with you to keep me awake and alive

and all my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

The song hadn't quite ended when Jennifer pulled up to the terminal. Justin grabbed his bag, kissed his mother good-bye and headed to his gate. The lyrics kept passing through his brain, "I get so tired of working so hard for our survival". Justin sighed heavily and put his headphones on; he needed a new song to replace the haunting lyrics. He settled on Moby and was bobbing his head and mouthing the lyrics when he felt a shadow standing over him.

"Justin" Brian said smiling down, "What are you doing here?"

"Me?" Justin asked incredulously, "I'm going to New York for my art show. What are you doing here?"

"Oh right, I forgot that was this week" he admitted, "I'm going to New York too. There's an old client I want to convince to come with me to my new company. Do you mind if I sit down?"

Justin moved his bag off the empty seat and gave an awkward smile as Brian sat next to him. "So how is the business going, do you have a name yet?"

"Not yet" Brian admitted, "It has to be creative but nothing has come to me so far. I don't want to just use my name but it needs to be personal"

Justin nodded, "I'm sure you'll come up with something brilliant"

Brian smiled at the flattery and it made him miss his young lover's attention even more, "So you have any evening plans, maybe we can get together and hang out tonight when your show is done?"

Brian knew his invite to hang out may be perceived as a thinly veiled date but he was hoping Justin might be free. Ever since Thanksgiving, Brian had done his very best at following Mikey's advice. He made valiant efforts to avoid falling for the ravishing young man. It had nearly killed him to refuse his dinner invitation. Brian had made evenings at Babylon part of his resistance campaign and in just a few nights of trial and error discovered just how easy it was to pick up a temporary distraction. Still he missed Justin, not just as a lover but as a person. He had still not encountered anyone who made him feel completely at ease in his own skin as Justin had.

Justin considered Brian's offer and wanted so badly to accept it no matter what it entailed. His desire for Brian was all-consuming. But all this constant wavering between hot and cold, it felt like a recipe for repeated heartbreak. It just shouldn't be this difficult, Justin thought. The song he heard earlier ran through his mind as he considered his response.

but whichever way I go; I come back to the place you are

Justin didn't want that future. He didn't want constant angst of star-crossed lovers and a constant unearthly pull towards a man who didn't want him back. He wanted a boyfriend who was proud to be gay and proud to be with him. He didn't want someone who didn't know what he wanted, wasn't sure Justin was the one, wasn't sure he even believed in love.

"Brian" Justin finally answered realizing his thoughts had caused an uncomfortable pause and Brian was looking around nervously, "what exactly do you mean by hang out?"

"Huh?" Brian responded confused "I don't know…find a bar or a club, get a few drinks, talk"

"No I mean do you want to hang out as in go on a date? Or hang out as in get a few drinks and fuck? Or hang out as in two single friends on a night on the town?"

Brian wrung his hands nervously as he tried to ignore that part of his brain was screaming option B, option B!

"Shit Justin, I don't know. Why are you making this so difficult? Can't we just get a few drinks and see what happens?"

"No thanks" Justin said and sat back in his chair replacing his headphones dismissively.

"What?" Brian asked dismayed, "Why?"

"I told you before, I don't want casual and I don't want there to be confusion. If you want to fuck, then you have to be willing to date me. It doesn't have to be exclusive, at least not at first, but I'm not interested in being someone's fuck buddy or dirty little secret."

Brian was flabbergasted, "I never thought of you as a dirty little secret"

"Well you sure as hell aren't interested in hanging out with me at home so why are you so interested now that we will be in New York?"

"Fine, never mind" Brian answered with a shrug.

Justin was contemplating making up some reason to move but the boarding announcement saved him and he didn't have to. Brian boarded first and was thankful that he was toward the front of the plane, once Justin passed him to take his seat near the back, there was no reason to have to face him again.

Justin spent the flight reminding himself that he was doing the right thing, no matter how excruciatingly painful it was to reject the man he wanted so much. Justin believed Brian had to work through his hang-ups about being openly gay, about their age difference, about being in love with a man, hell even about being happy before anything real could happen between them. Then it would be their time and it was only time.

Brian sat sulking in the front row of the plane. He hadn't considered Justin might reject his offer to spend time together. He didn't understand why Justin had a need to label it, why not just enjoy whatever was to happen before Justin started his real future in New York. As soon as the short plane trip ended, Brian rushed out to catch a cab and head to his hotel. He checked the address on his palm and noticed a message from Justin sent right after the plane landed. The subject line just said company name and the message read:

How bout Kinnetik? -J

Brian mulled the name over for less than a minute before deciding that he loved it. He shot Justin a reply message and a second invitation thinking perhaps the message was a request for a do-over.

Thanks it's perfect. You should let me buy you a drink as a thank you. If you change your mind about hanging out, I'm staying at the Ritz-Carlton Central Park.-B

Justin checked his phone as he weaved his way to the subway line. He couldn't help but smile about Brian's message. He wasn't quite there but maybe with a little nudge he could finally admit it was a date.

Glad you like it. It's free of charge. If you get your head out of your ass and decide you want to take me out on the town, I'm staying at the Courtyard, near campus.

Brian read the actual message as well as the one in between the lines. There would be no killing time before college with this man; he was all-in or all-out. Brian's spirit was crushed with the line that Justin had drawn knowing full well it was a line that Brian wouldn't permit himself to cross.

Justin spent the next day busier than he could have imagined. He met with Dr. Snyder and Mariah early in the morning and toured the space where the show was to be held. His stomach fluttered with excitement as he took in his three works that were framed for the show. In addition to Brian's portrait, he had done one of Debbie giving some soup at the diner to a homeless trans-gendered woman that he called "Guardian Angel" and then his sketch of Gus playing at Thanksgiving, which he called, "the Child Magi". It took him the longest to come up with the title for Gus's sketch but Magi was a name for the three wise men and he thought Gus had been pretty wise throughout this whole ordeal, maybe wiser than all the adults in his life. Justin swelled with pride at the early feedback from the show organizers as well as the other artists who had been milling about tending to last-minute details.

"What do you want to charge for them?" Mariah asked, "We need to price them before the show"

Justin cringed, having no way to value what his art was worth, 'What do you recommend?"

"Well for Angel and Magi, we should maybe ask for $100 each if you plan to donate the money or slightly less if you don't. People will always pay a bit more for charity pieces. But for Face of God, considering the attention it's garnered, I'd say higher, maybe even $500."

Justin gasped, "I don't really want to sell Face of God, it's too important to me"

Mariah shook her head, "Well, all the pieces have to be priced. If you don't want to sell it just ask for something unreasonable and say you're not donating the proceeds to charity. That will make sure it doesn't sell" she advised.

Justin nodded in understanding, "How about $2500, would that work?"

Mariah laughed, "Let's do $3000 just to be safe" she added the price to the card and returned them to the curator of the show. "Now let's show you the campus Mr. Taylor"

Brian left his business meeting on a high. His confidence bolstered with the new company name Justin provided and a new suit he bought for the meeting. He managed to meet with three former Vanguard clients and secured new commitments from all of them for Kinnetik. The day was off to a great start. As he hailed a cab, he checked his watch debating on his destination. He instructed the cab driver to take him back to the hotel.

Brian changed his clothes into jeans and a black shirt and flipped through one of the weekly rags called Get Out he had picked up from the sidewalk stand. He perused through several possible places to pick up a distraction for tonight and settled on a club called Therapy near his hotel. He was going to need plenty of sex therapy to stay away from Justin.

Justin's feet ached from walking the Columbia campus and sight-seeing all day but he felt a surge of adrenaline as they reentered the gallery space. He felt incredibly privileged to be shown so much personal attention. He imagined it was on a level similar to that an all-star athlete would receive. He had just managed to change before making it back to the opening of the show. The crowd was mostly students and faculty and Justin felt a little out-of-place. He glanced at his phone nervously several times always hoping to see a text message from Brian and being disappointed by the "no messages" sign.

Brian anxiously watched television in his suite. He sighed at the painfully slow passing of time and fiddled with his laptop surfing the net for nothing in particular. He checked his emails- nothing from Justin. He checked his phone-no message. He checked his email again. He clicked on a link for a gay "dating" site which Brian deduced was just an electronic version of the backroom only you couldn't be sure if the picture was recent or even of the actual person you were talking to. After his third time checking his phone to no avail, he couldn't resist.

Hope the show is going well- B

Justin felt chills go up his spine as his phone buzzed in his pocket. He took the phone out and held his breath as he flipped open the lid an clicked the OK button to open the message. He let the breath out slowly considering a response.

Nice crowd but still kind of lonely- J

Brian took a look at the message. "Kind of lonely", now what the fuck did that mean? If Justin was a girl it would mean get your ass over here. Brian had no idea what it meant from Justin. He typed and deleted a few versions of the response before deciding straight-forward was the best.

Do you want me to come?-B

Justin laughed a little to himself still thinking Brian was quite adorably clueless. The door was wide open with that message. He could play it serious and just tell him to come to the show or flirty and take it to a whole new conversation. Justin decided to have a little fun and see what Brian did with it.

I always want you to come : )

Brian laughed out loud at Justin's double entendre and imagined his bright grin staring at his phone as he sent it. God how he missed that smile. Despite his better judgment, Brian grabbed his phone, wallet and hotel key and headed to the lobby on his way for a little sunshine.

As he approached the gallery door, Brian's head caught up with him and he managed to regain self-control. He found Justin easily in the crowd and tucked himself behind groups of people trying to stay out his way. He marveled at Justin's confidence as various people approached him about his works. It was the same level of confidence Brian used to have in college; it was the same confidence he had finally found again with the client meetings earlier. Brian closed his eyes envisioning all that Justin could become if he didn't get in his way. He was interrupted by an older man tapping him on the shoulder.

"Well I'd know that face anywhere, you must be God" the man laughed heartily.

"Um, Excuse me?" Brian choked out.

"Young Mr. Taylor's inspiration… You must be Lindsay's ex-husband. I recognized you from your portrait. It's quite remarkable, don't you think? I'm James Snyder. I used to be Justin's teacher."

Brian nodded in recognition, "of course. Hello" he offered shaking the man's hand a noticing a large brown mark on his wrist.

James withdrew his hand quickly pulling his sleeve down, "You'll forgive my unfortunate beauty mark. Kaposi's sarcoma, one of the many horrifying aspects of this god-forsaken disease"

Brian tried hard to temper the overwhelming pity he felt for the man, "I'm sorry" he offered sincerely.

James nodded in recognition, "Justin doesn't know I have progressed to full-blown AIDS. Please don't tell him"

Brian nodded again, "I just came to see his work, and he doesn't know I'm here".

"I just hope when I do get to meet God, he does looks like you" James teased trying to lighten up the conversation.

Brian smiled, unsure of what to say.

"It's clear young Mr. Taylor has fallen quite hard for you and…." James stated, "You'll forgive the bluntness but it's one of the liberties of being a dying man….I can tell you feel the same".

Brian looked at James in dismay, "I care about him" was all Brian would admit to this relative stranger.

"I see" James smirked, "Care, do you? By the looks you keep sneaking at him, I would say you do more than care about him."

Brian shrugged, "It's complicated. I don't want him to sacrifice anything for me. I gave up a lot when I fell in love and it almost killed me."

James looked at Brian with a blank stare, "So if I am to understand. You love him and he loves you? But you won't admit it because you think by loving you, he would be sacrificing himself?"

Brian nodded slowly.

"Well that's about the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. When love is involved, no sacrifice is too great. Besides an artist needs his muse" James warned sternly gesturing to a sullen Justin drowning his sorrows at the bar. James left Brian to his consternation.

Justin started to get nervous when Brian didn't text back. The crowd was thinning out; it was almost nine by now, over forty-five minutes since his last text with Brian. Justin imagined he had pushed Brian too far and the man had gone cold again. He grabbed another drink from the bar and downed it quickly before anyone noticed he was drinking. Just as he set the glass down, Mariah made a beeline for him.

"It sold!" she muttered excitedly "Oh my! It's just incredible"

Justin looked bewildered, "Which one?"

"Face of God of course, I mean, they all sold but $3000! Justin, that was the highest priced piece in the show!" she explained.

"But I didn't want to sell it" Justin worried.

Mariah laughed, "Justin, it's $3000. Draw another one for Christ's sake"

Justin stood there feeling a little giddy from the drinks and the good news. Mariah pushed an envelope into his hand with the check for his work and flitted off to congratulate the other artists.

Brian let James words marinate in his head until he noticed Justin was packing up to leave. He crossed the hard-wood floor and tapped his shoulder.

"Hey" he said.

Justin spun around, smiling at the sexy voice, "Hey, you came after all?"

"Not yet" Brian teased, "but I'm hoping to soon"

Justin stifled a laugh, "Are you now? Well does this mean you've gotten your head out of your ass finally?"

Brian winced a little; he went right for the jugular with this dating thing. "Justin, tell me something"

Justin nodded.

"If we start to…um, date….and you get into Columbia. Then what? I don't want you to give up what I did."

"Jesus Brian, do you always over think things this much. I'm not suggesting we march down the aisle this Christmas in a couple of matching Vera Wang's and unless I really missed something in health class, I don't think we're at risk for any unexpected babies. Can we not just acknowledge that we have feeling for each other and be together? I'm eighteen. That's all I'm looking for. If and when we need to cross the New York Bridge, we will."

Brian's face lit up brightly and Justin blushed. "Okay" he said.

"Okay what?" Justin asked.

"Let's do it" Brian said.

"Say it" Justin laughed.

"Will you..go..out..with..me" Brian said slowly.

"Yes, but can we fuck first?" Justin laughed.

"I thought you'd never ask….." Brian smiled, kissing him passionately and pulling him out the door.

A/N "In Your Eyes" is the brilliant song by Peter Gabriel.