Hi everyone, your reviews are so great! They fill us with motivation to write more. Now, as we promised you, some serious (and less serious) bed-talk between Booth and Brennan - an extra long chapter just for you. We hope you enjoy!
Chapter 23
Booth had his eyes closed and was relaxed. After a few minutes, Elena's breathing deepened and he knew she was fast asleep. "Come on," he whispered. "We don't want to wake her up."
Gently, Brennan got out from underneath Elena and covered her with the soft duvet. She pressed a feather-light kiss to her daughter's forehead and rose. "Should we leave the door open?" she asked Booth.
"It can't hurt," Booth agreed. Leaving the door open, they walked into their own bedroom. "I don't know about you, but I'm exhausted," Booth said as he slipped underneath the duvet.
"What about pyjamas?" Brennan suggested as she opened her suitcase and found her nightgown. He acted very silly sometimes; she found it amusing.
"Too tired," he grumbled. "Besides, I'm wearing jeans and a T-shirt." He unbuttoned his jeans, kicked them off and kicked them to the floor next to the bed. "There. Better now?" he smiled.
She shook her head at him, but couldn't suppress a smile. "You're terrible. I'm going to brush my teeth and change like a normal person. I'll be right back."
She disappeared and Booth grumbled, but got out of bed again. He put his pyjamas on and waited for her to exit the bathroom, so he could go in and quickly brush his teeth.
She was in bed before he was, and wondered what this was going to be like. No sex, that was a rule. A hard rule. She really, really couldn't sleep with him again. Not now. Apparently, she thought to herself, she was convinced she was as attracted to him as she had been then, when she went from ice to fire in his arms. If he'd give her an opportunity, she'd probably use it - she could absolutely not trust herself - so there needed to be fixed rules.
A few minutes later, Booth entered the bedroom again and turned the lights off before slipping into bed with her.
She lay there facing him in the dark. She picked up on his scent, which was calming and familiar. She wanted to be closer to him, but couldn't let herself.
He couldn't tell why he was expecting it, but he'd thought that she would stick to his side like glue, so when she stayed on the other side of the bed, Booth spoke softly, "Everything okay, Temperance?"
She couldn't answer that question. "Are you?" she asked him instead.
"Not completely," Booth scooted closer to her and wrapped her up in his embrace, "But I'm getting there."
She instantly relaxed as he wrapped his arms around her. She snuggled up against him. "Thanks for being so patient," she told him.
"You don't have to thank me, darling. I know things aren't easy for you."
"I know it's not easy for you, either." She was glad she could finally be this close to him.
"Shh, let's not talk about it right now." Booth pressed his lips to her neck. "I just want to enjoy being close to you."
A shiver ran down Brennan's spine as his lips made contact with her skin. It hadn't been a coincidence. After four years apart, he could still make her feel ridiculously good.
"Are you cold?" Booth tucked the duvet in around her as he pressed his body against hers, making sure she was warm.
"No, I'm not," Brennan whispered, "On the contrary." She felt her body react to his, but this time, so much was on the line. She had to keep herself together. "I like this."
"Me, too," Booth agreed. "Temperance... may I kiss you?"
It was the second time he asked for permission, and this time, there was nowhere to run. "Yes," she said softly, because she'd longed for him to kiss her.
Booth leaned in and as their bodies brushed against each other, Booth kissed her softly. He teased her lips apart and slipped his tongue past them, deepening their kiss.
Again, from that moment, she was helpless. Her arms went around his back as he leaned slightly over her, and she pressed her body against his. She'd never had sex with anyone else, and she was glad, because she couldn't imagine another man having this effect on her. Her passion roared and she actively kissed him back.
Booth could feel that things were heating up and after a few passionate, hot kisses, he cooled it down again by pressing soft kisses over her cheek, jaw, neck and shoulders.
She'd wanted him to touch her, feel her, but as he slowed down and she regained conscious thought, Brennan realised that this time, he was sticking to her rules. No sex. She held his head close to her, her fingers wound in his short hair. Her chest was rising and falling slightly faster than normal.
"Shh," Booth whispered as he rubbed her back. "Nothing will happen without your permission. I know we aren't ready for that yet and this time I want to take things slow." Booth leaned back and propped himself up on his elbow, his head resting in his palm. With the other hand he reached for her and brushed her hair behind her ears. "How are you feeling, darling? I know this isn't easy for you. You're not at home, you don't have Angela, Russ or your father around you and even our little girl isn't here right now. So, how are you feeling?"
"I'm... adjusting," she told him honestly. "I feel like I'm having to give up a lot of control, especially over Elena, but I like the direction it's going. So I'm doing my best to be relaxed about everything."
"You know, about earlier, when you asked me if I was mad? I have to admit, that I was a bit upset with you. Because, sometimes it seems as if you forget that it's my baby girl, too. I know," Booth gently used his finger to lift her chin up, "I know you have a lot to forgive me for, but I am her father, Bren. I'm not some kind of monster who wants to take her away from you."
"Booth, I don't think you're a monster," she assured him. "And I also don't blame you for your absence. I understand the circumstances. But I was on my own for four years, and to be able to do that and not wallow in self-pity, I had to push aside the possibility that you'd suddenly be there. Elena was mine and mine alone. She didn't have a father for four years. I had to live like that, because I didn't know if you'd ever come back. Russ has always let me make my own decisions where Elena's concerned, he would always back me up. It is hard for me to change my mindset, that maybe I don't get to decide everything for her anymore. That gets a bit overwhelming sometimes."
Booth was listening to her. "But you know that I want what's best for her, right? When I suggest that she goes to school or that she sleeps on her own. Or when I insist that a four-year-old should not be doing the dishes, but should be playing with her dolls. Or when I give you a hard time about the fact that she doesn't have a fixed bedtime, you do know that I do that for her, right?" Booth was very concerned that she may think that he was pursuing some kind of hidden agenda, when he only had everybody's best interest at heart.
"I do, and I have to learn how to share her with you. I don't think you'd ever do something to hurt her," Brennan said softly and stroked his cheek with her fingertips.
Booth was quiet for a very long time and eventually, he scooted closer to her, resting his head on her chest. "Sometimes, I don't know how to tell you about the things that you are doing that I don't agree with. I'm just learning this as we go along. I just think - no, I know that it is important that a child knows that they are loved and protected, but they have to have a chance to learn and grow and learn how to fend for themselves."
Brennan was listening, too. "As long as we can talk about it first and you don't demand that anything changes right away, you can tell me about everything you don't agree with. I'll admit, it will take me some time to accept that you have a say, too, but I also promise you I'll listen to you." She held him to her chest as he held her, and it felt natural. She appreciated that he wasn't afraid to be vulnerable in her presence.
"There are two things that you have to know about me that I haven't told you yet," Booth spoke softly. "And these are important, difficult things to talk about, but it's important that you know." Booth drew random figures over her nightgown, the soft fabric the only thing between the tips of his fingers and the soft skin of her belly. "You might not want a relationship with me anymore if you know, so I'm kind of taking a huge risk here, but..." he swallowed and forced his body to relax the best it could. "I trust you."
She felt cautiousness, but at the same time, couldn't imagine that he'd done something horrible like murdering another person. "I'm listening," she told him, "You can tell me."
"When my brother and I were respectively 6 and 10 years old, my dad lost his job. Mom had to provide for all four of us and she barely made enough money to keep us afloat. At first, things were still going just fine. My dad did everything he could to try and find a new job, but he didn't. His frustration and anger over the situation drove him to drink." Booth was quiet, weighing his words, trying to find the right way to explain it to her. "He was a very mean drunk, Temperance."
Brennan realised what he was saying. Her dad had been fairy dependent on alcohol, as well, but he had never been abusive towards her. "He was aggressive?" she asked him.
"Yes. Especially towards my mom. Eventually, she left, around my twelfth birthday. That's when I started taking the brunt of it, but unlike my mom, I had nowhere to go. Plus, if I left, who would make sure Jared was safe?"
She held him a little bit tighter. "Couldn't you tell anyone? Like Hank? Did anyone know what was going on?"
"Temperance, my dad was a big man. Bigger than me even and I mean now. I was a scrawny kid when I was twelve. My dad drank all of our money and after mom left, food wasn't readily available. He became very good at coming up with ways and stories to prevent anyone from coming over. He - he told me it was my fault that Mom left and that if I would tell anyone he would leave, too, and nobody would want us. So no, I couldn't tell anyone."
"That's horrible, Booth." She could hardly believe what he was telling her. How could he and Jared have become such nice, good people with a father like that? They didn't make a strange or traumatised impression at all. "For how long did it continue?"
"Until I was fifteen," he whispered softly. Now that he was older and he had all of his ducks in a row, Booth found it hard to believe that he had lived like that for nearly five years, but it was the truth.
"How did you get out of that situation?" Brennan had an idea it had something to do with Hank.
"One night, Pops came over. He hadn't seen us in almost two years by then. He called every day and our dad would force us to talk to him, lie to him..." Booth sighed, still disgusted by the charade they had been forced to carry out. "Anyway, one day, he called when my dad wasn't at home. Jared answered the phone. You should know that the night before, Jared hadn't slept through dad's daily - 'routine' and he had overheard everything. He'd been scared and he had wet the bed. Our dad found out and he hit him with his belt. The buckle." Booth's jaw clenched at the memory. "Not the leather end." For a moment, he couldn't continue. That day could be viewed as the best day of his life and the worst. It still hurt to think about it.
"Oh, god." Brennan pulled him closer and put her cheek on his head.
"Jared has a pretty nasty scar on his shoulder. You'll never see him without his shirt. Not even when he goes swimming on the hottest day of the year. Anyway. Where was I? Right, Pops called and Jared answered. The little guy was in pain and deeply upset, so when..." Booth swallowed, but didn't succeed in pushing his tears back. "When he heard Pops' warm, concerned voice, he started crying. I found him, crying on the phone and I took it. I told Pops to please come over and get us and that's when he – our dad – came home. He was drunk, so thankfully, I managed to hide Jared in the corner of the room, behind the couch, but there wasn't enough time to hide myself. He was so furious when he heard the doorbell ring. By the time Pops finally came rushing in through the back door, I was on the floor as he kicked me. To this day, I don't know how I survived that."
"I'm glad you did," Brennan managed to speak past the lump in her throat. She kissed his head. "And I'm really grateful for Hank."
"Me, too." Booth took a deep breath and continued. "That was the first thing I need to tell you. There is one more thing. We lived with Pops for three years. When I turned eighteen, I started looking for a job and I found one, as a bouncer in a night club. They had strippers, unlicensed liquor, gambling, a pool hall. One night - I'd just got paid - the boss invited me to play poker with them. I agreed. I won that night. Big. And the night after that. But then the third night, I lost it all. So I had to play more to win the money back. One thing led to another and by the time I was nineteen, I had a very severe gambling addiction. Eventually, Pops found out and he set me straight." That night was carved into his memory. He'd never forget the look in his grandfather's eyes. He'd been afraid that his Pops would get furious with him, but the only emotion that he had been able to find in his surrogate father's eyes was disappointment. It was a sight he'd sworn he would never see again.
"You never gambled again? Do you feel that you want to, sometimes?" She felt grateful that he was telling her all this. It would bring them closer.
"No, I never gambled again and - except for one occasion - I never really considered it again. That time I came close, very close, but Pops managed to pull me back. Don't get me wrong, it's something that is always buzzing in the back of my mind and it probably always will. But I have it under control."
"Well, now that I know, I can also help you with that. Thanks for telling me," she said and pressed a kiss to his temple.
"That's it?" Booth sat up a little and turned the night light on, so he could see her. He was confused. Surely, she'd have more to say about his behaviour than that?
"What do you mean?" she asked, afraid she'd said the wrong thing.
"Well, aren't you... I mean... You still," he swallowed. "You still want me in your life? Elena's life?"
"Of course I do. These things... they don't mean you're a bad person, Booth. I never would have guessed if you hadn't told me."
Booth lay back down, his hand gently resting over her tummy. "I'm happy you're here. That I found you. Both of you."
"I'm happy you came to look for me," Brennan said as she placed her hand over his. "You know, if anything, it explains your protectiveness, which I'm glad you have." After a short moment, she realised, "You never saw me pregnant. Where your hand is right now, that's where Elena liked to kick."
Unexpectedly, her words triggered a wave of sadness and guilt, the evidence welling up in his eyes.
She couldn't see his face in the dark, but she sensed he'd become emotional. "I have pictures, if you want to see them. They're at my dad's apartment. He constantly shows them to his female friends who come over," Brennan chuckled.
Booth centred himself enough to speak and replied. "I'd like to see those. Was she very active?" On instinct, his thumb started to gently caress her tummy, the way he would have done if he would have been given the privilege to experience the pregnancy with her.
"Hugely. She bruised my ribs several times while she was in there. Luckily, she usually slept when I did. Because she was burning so much energy, I was eating throughout the day. At some point I was afraid I was having twins."
"Has she ever asked for a brother or a sister?" Booth wanted to know.
"No. But then, she hadn't had a lot of actual contact with other children, until she met Emma and Hayley, so I don't think she knows exactly what it means to have siblings. And of course, I thought she'd never have them because of our situation, so I didn't mention it to her."
"Our situation? Are you saying it never occurred to you to try and find someone else?" It hadn't occurred to him, but he'd been a lost cause. He was in love.
"Frankly, no. Angela talked about finding me someone, but I never took her up on her offer."
"Even though that makes me sad as well, part of me is happy that you waited for me, like I waited for you. You know, it was Pops who made me realise I wouldn't be happy until I had turned every last stone, looking for you."
"He really fixes people, doesn't he?" Brennan smiled.
"He does. He's the kindest, most caring, loving person I've ever met. I love him so much. That's why I didn't come back. He needed me and you ran out on me that morning, so... I am sorry though that I didn't make an effort sooner."
"You don't have to apologise to me, Booth. I understand why you did what you did. I'd have done the same. And I did run out on you, that's true. I was panicking that morning, because I never imagined I'd do what we did. Though even then I knew I had every intention of coming back to you. I thought there was time, but I was wrong. If I'd stayed, we would at least have known each other's name, and we'd have kept in touch."
"Well, even God can't change the past. Let's focus on our future. As a family. Earlier you talked about telling Elena that I'm her father. I agree that she has to know, but... I don't want to tell her untill we've figured out if we are going to be a traditional family or a modern one." He phrased his question carefully, not wanting to say the words 'broken home', but his intent was clear.
"What do you mean by traditional or modern?" she asked him. "I do want us to be in a relationship, if that's what you mean."
"I mean... What I want to know is, whether or not you can picture yourself living in a house - much like the one you share with Russ - only you'd share it with me, Elena and maybe even a brother or sister for her?"
A smile appeared on Brennan's face. "Yes, I could picture that."
His smile matched hers. "A traditional family it is..."
"Is that what you preferred?" she asked him.
He chuckled and instantly felt better. "Yes, silly." He started tickling her. "That is exactly what I prefer."
She shrieked. "Booth, what are you - Stop it!" She finally managed to grab his wrists and push them away. She was laughing, though.
"Oooh, is someone ticklish?" He tried again, but her grip was too tight. "That is very, very, very useful knowledge, isn't it?"
"I'll kick your butt. I happen to know how," Brennan warned him. "Ange and I took self-defence classes for female students. A lot of them."
"Maybe," Booth leaned in closer, "I like a challenge."
"You'll regret it," she said, "I have one word for you: balls."
Booth's face contorted at the mere idea and he pulled his hands back. "Got it."
Brennan laughed. "Don't worry, it would be nothing compared to giving birth, I assure you."
"I don't doubt that, but if you give birth, there is a beautiful, wonderful little baby girl at the end of the road. If you... uhm... hurt the boys, there might not be a sibling for our little princess."
"There will be as many as you want, if you take care of the giving birth part. I'll do the pregnancy, but you give birth. It seriously, seriously hurts."
Booth frowned. "You could've opted for an epidural. I take it you didn't?"
"I would have taken a hammer to the head, but there was no time. Russ nearly fainted."
"Next time we'll make sure that you can have an epidural," Booth smiled at her. "And there is always adoption. Or foster care, we could be foster parents, too."
"I think we need to make sure we have enough income, first," Brennan kept him grounded.
"Yes. I agree, but you have your diploma now, right? I mean, you can get a job, now." Suddenly Booth realised he had never asked. "What will it say on your diploma?"
"Temperance Brennan, Master of Science, Physical Anthropology," she told him proudly.
"Oh wow." Booth wiggled his eyebrows. "Does that mean I have to call you master from now on?" His expression changed into a frown. "Never, never mind that, that sounded much better in my head. What does that mean, though? Physical Anthropology?"
She chuckled. "It means I'm good at looking at bones, basically. I can deduct things from them."
"Bones? As in dead people? Rather you than me. What kind of jobs can you get in that area of expertise?"
"Very special ones. For instance, if you're really good, you might get a position at the Jeffersonian Institution in Washington DC. They work on the oldest, rarest sets of remains. Many end up in the museum. Publishing papers will never be a problem if you work there. It's my dream job, but I didn't finish top of my class, so my chances are slim."
"So? You never know. Write a paper. Gather some experience. And then, when you feel you're ready, apply for a job there."
"Maybe," she said. "For now, I can be a research assistant at my university. My professor said he'd take me over the one who was top of our class. It doesn't pay a lot, but at least I can work part-time there, for Elena."
"I think you should do that. Have you thought about sending her to school?" Booth asked her carefully.
"She's willing to try it, so... I guess we should. I'd rather just keep her with me, though, I have to tell you that," she said honestly.
"I know that, but, in whose best interest would that be? Nobody's. Not hers, but darling, not yours either." He looked into her eyes as his hand warmed her skin through her nightgown.
"I know I'm extremely attached to her. She's my daughter, though. I made her, I gave birth to her, I breast-fed her. Switching to a bottle was the hardest thing. And then, leaving her behind with my dad when I went to school, was even harder. I know it will be okay in the end, but I'm already dreading the day I'll have to wave goodbye to her when she's in class." Brennan choked up and fell quiet. After a moment, she wiped at the tears that escaped her eyes.
"Okay, okay," Booth wrapped her up in his embrace and pulled the duvet tightly around them. "What would happen if you drop her off at the classroom?"
"I'll cry, for sure," she laughed mirthlessly. "And if she cries, I can't leave her there."
"I think that if she cries, you should give her a chance to find out for herself that school isn't so bad."
"Isn't it? What if the other kids are mean to her? She's very sensitive. She picks up on everything."
"Okay. Let's take a look at the alternative. What will happen if you home-school her, all the way through high school?"
"I won't have to leave her anywhere," Brennan answered his question.
"And what if she wants to go to college? She's a smart cookie. Let's say she'd want to be a journalist, just for argument's sake, what would happen then?"
"She'd go to college. By that time, she'd be much more independent."
"Would she? What makes you think that?"
"Because she'll grow up. She'll be doing many things by herself."
"Like what? Doing the dishes? Keeping herself busy? She does that right now. What about her social skills? Because in the end, that is what she needs to be able to become an independent woman. How will she develop those?"
"We could go to home-schooling camps for children." Brennan sighed. "Booth, look - I'm not saying I won't allow her to go to a regular school, I'm just saying it would be hard because I don't want to leave her."
"And that is the point I'm trying to make. I want you to understand that your need to not send her to school has very little to nothing to do with Elena. I'm just afraid that if she would go to college, without having properly developed her social skills, she will be too vulnerable. I want her to be able to fend for herself." Booth kissed Brennan's forehead. "I get that she's your little girl, but darling - she's not so little anymore."
"She's only four years old, though," Brennan still protested. "But like I said, we can try. Half-days."
"Yes, half-days are perfect. And we'll see how it goes." Booth kissed her cheek. "It's getting late. We should get some sleep."
"Just not too many changes at once," Brennan added, then agreed it was late. She was still tired from the period during and before finals.
"Not too many changes at once," he agreed and turned off the light. Booth closed his eyes and held her to him. Finally, this was exactly where he wanted and needed to be.
Brennan closed her eyes, too, and breathed in his scent. This was nice. There would be many discussions, but in the end, it was about giving Elena all the opportunities they could, so that she could decide for herself whether she wanted to take them or not. Just like that first night together, Booth and Brennan fell asleep in each other's arms. The next morning, though, there would be no running away. They'd stay and make the most of the special connection between them.
Again, no fairy-tale, but they're making it work. Feel free to look forward to next chapter, where Elena will find out who her daddy is... We really love your comments and hope you'll leave some more!