Chapter Three
"I do not see that we are very much farther in our research," Monique said, leaning against the desk where Nick sat busily typing at his computer. "Why did you not question the man further?"
"And raise his suspicions?" Nick asked. "You know better than that."
Monique shrugged. "An old man's suspicions about a fungus are hardly consequential."
"But he might know more then he lets on. Besides, I got all I needed from him. The sample we secured is Laetiporus sulphureus, a wild parasitic mushroom that lives off dead and dying trees. Their common name is sulphur polypore, due to its bright orange or yellow color and its many visible pores. They're edible if cooked, with certain medicinal qualities as well."
"Fascinating." Monique did not look the least bit fascinated.
Nick went on, ignoring her. "But this is apparently some kind of mutation. Obviously, a typical ploypore doesn't grow this quickly, nor can it live off wallpaper, and it rarely causes severe allergic reactions when eaten." A picture popped up on the computer screen. Nick sat back triumphantly and motioned for Monique to have a look. She turned around, resting her hands on the desk to peer past his shoulder.
"Here's the processing plant he was talking about," Nick explained. "It's where they process and package vegetables before shipping them off to the grocery store."
"Another example of American idiocy," Monique muttered. "An entire factory devoted to wrapping plastic around produce."
Nick cast her an annoyed look. "I didn't invent the idea. The point is, part of the process involves cleaning and making sure the food is fit to eat. Now look at this." He clicked a link on the bottom of the page, which took him to a related site.
"'Irradiation'?" Monique read the word at the top of the screen.
"That's it," Nick said. "A relatively new process, said to eliminate potentially hazardous particles from the food we eat. Expose the produce to a harmless amount of radiation, thereby, supposedly, rendering it clean."
"I see. Expose edibles to toxic radioactivity to remove the dirt. How ingenious."
"I didn't invent this idea, either," Nick retorted. "In fact, I can't believe we're actually doing this. It makes no sense to me. I think it's insane to expose the food we eat to something as volatile and unknown as radiation." He indicated their specimen, still sitting in its Styrofoam prison, now surrounded by Nick's science equipment. "This sample contains trace amounts of radiation, but higher than the safety level recommended for the irradiation process. Sulphur polypore isn't usually mass-processed for grocery stores, since it's a wild mushroom and difficult to identify and harvest. My guess is that somebody decided to do a bit of experimentation with the irradiation process, and this mushroom was the unfortunate subject—conveniently growing in the woods beside the plant."
Monique drew back, realization dawning on her face. "We have little idea what a 'safe' amount of radiation actually is," she said. "And should they cross this thin line…"
Nick nodded. "You guessed it. Randy's freak mushroom is the result. The radiation must have enhanced its ability to feed off of nutrient-poor substances, like the seller's garden wall or Randy's wallpaper. Seeing the danger in keeping the thing results of their experiment, the plant managers—responsible citizens that they are—cleverly dumped the reject into the woods in hopes no one would notice."
Monique crossed her arm with a dark expression on her face. Before she could utter another derogatory comment about Nick's homeland, the scientist quickly picked up his phone and dialed Mendel's number.
Mendel was halfway down the tight-cornered stairs to the lower deck when his phone rang. Yanking it out of his pocket, he answered it. "Hello?"
"Mendel, it's Nick. Where are you guys now?"
"Uhh…" Mendel listened to the roiling waves outside. "In the middle of the ocean right next to a giant mutant mushroom?"
"Since when did this become a giant mutant mushroom?" Nick asked.
"Since, I don't know, since we found it!" Mendel said.
"Mendel, hand me off to Elsie. I need to tell her something about the mutant."
Mendel was a little resentful that Nick couldn't tell him anything about the mutant, but he supposed it was probably fortunate, as Elsie was the one going after it. Besides, he had to go save that barge driver. Silently rebuking Elsie for always forgetting her own phone, he ran back upstairs and found her loading her research kit into her pack. Randy, sitting in the driver's seat, was easing the Seeker closer to the mushroom on the barge.
"It's Nick," Mendel started. Hardly were the words out of his mouth than the phone was out of his hand and against Elsie's ear.
"Nicky, what did you find?" Elsie asked.
Mendel flinched as he always did when Elsie said "Nicky," and decided this would be a good time to leave.
"It's been what?" Elsie rubbed her temples. "Why did I not guess? Well, at least we know what caused it."
"Tell him about the tentacles," Randy yelled.
"They're not tentacles, Randy, they're mycelia," Elsie said. "Fungal roots."
"But those things are microscopic!" Randy said.
Elsie rolled her eyes. "This isn't exactly your typical specimen," she shot back. "Now be quiet, I'm talking to Nick."
"So it's grown then, has it?" Nick said from the other end of the line.
"Yup. Based on what you said just now, I'm betting that, in addition to enhancing its feeding ability, the irradiation also accelerated the mushroom's natural growth, causing it to get this big in no time at all. That also explains the color change; sulphur polypores turn grey with age."
"Just like people," Randy mused. Elsie drew a finger across her throat, glowering at him.
"Is it sentient?" Nick's voice was tight with apprehension.
Elsie glanced out the window at the huge fungus perched on the barge. At first glance, it looked as if it had a mind of its own; its long mycelia fluttered in the wind where they stuck out of the heap, and the wind caused the barge to rock as if the mushroom itself were moving and pulsing. And it was certainly growing at an alarming rate; already it was almost twice as large as it had been when they'd found it. But Elsie guessed the mutant had no consciousness—it didn't react when a group of seagulls flew around it, attempting to peck off pieces for lunch. Nor did it seem to mind being continually splashed by the waves.
"I don't think so," she said. "But sentient or not, that thing is absorbing organic matter like nobody's business. If the barge it's on bumps into the shore, there's no telling how big it will get, and how much it will eat when it lodges itself on land."
"What's your plan, then?" Nick asked.
"Well, I was going to take samples, but I see now that's not really necessary. We know the nature of the beast; now we gotta figure out how to kill it."
"Anyone for some roasted mushroom?" Randy asked. "If we got a barbecue big enough—"
"Very funny," Elsie snapped back. "In case you haven't noticed, that thing's being soaked in ocean spray."
"No, really," Randy said. "Just get the G-Man to blow on it."
"Well…"
"What did Randy say?" Nick asked, voice ringing with urgency.
"He just suggested we get Godzilla to breathe fire on the mushroom," Elsie relayed. "But I'm not sure how we're going to do that. The thing isn't active; he won't perceive it as a threat."
"Then maybe we should attract him with something he does," Randy said, leaning far back in his chair with his arms behind his head.
"If you have an idea, just spit it out!" Elsie cried.
Randy winked.
Mendel rowed as quickly as he could towards the man clutching desperately at his chunk of wood. Seeing Mendel come closer, the man dropped his vessel and began swimming over to the rowboat. Mendel helped him climb in and patted his back as he spat out a few mouthfuls of seawater.
"I have no idea what happened," the poor man whimpered. "I was just sailing along when suddenly I noticed this—THING on my barge!"
"Don't worry, we're going to get rid of it," Mendel assured him. I hope, he added silently. "I'm a scientist. Dr. Mendel Craven," he introduced himself.
"Steve." The barge driver started twisting the hem of his shirt to wring the water out. "Thanks for saving me."
"No problem." Mendel picked up the oars and began rowing again, thinking about how stupid it was that one would have to say "Thank you for not being a jerk and leaving me to die out here," and that Mendel would reply with, of all things, "No problem," because not only was that a stupid thing to say, it was also very wrong.
This was a problem. This was a very big problem.
He watched the mushroom perched on the barge with its mycelia digging into the heaps and heaps of municipal waste. Mendel hated the fact that garbage was thrown into the ocean, and wondered briefly if perhaps this was not a good thing. If it liked to eat trash, why not let it utilize that as a resource, rather than simply dumping it? The mass of that mushroom could probably feed all of New York.
On the other hand, if Elsie was right and the thing was toxic, eating it probably wasn't a very good idea. Plus, he remembered well the last time someone had tried to introduce a decomposer to the garbage cycle.
He rowed up to the side of the Seeker, tying the rowboat back onto the pulley. He began to hoist them back up and was surprised how quickly his elbows gave out, sending them splashing back down and leaving his palms red and burning.
"Ouch!" he yelled.
"Need a hand?" Randy shouted from above.
"Yeah, thanks a lot," Mendel said. "If we all pull together it will make it much easier."
"You say that in such an accusatory tone," Randy said.
"Because I figured you just sat there watching me the first time around," Mendel shot back.
With Randy and Steve's help they pulled the rowboat back up. Joining Elsie in the cabin, they gave Steve a towel and a chair in the corner where he could sit shivering in fright without getting in the way, then discussed the latest on the mutant mushroom.
"I think it will work," Mendel said, sitting at the helm once again. "But how are we going to get Godzilla to aim at the mushroom? It's not harming anyone; he won't perceive it as a threat."
"That's exactly what I said," Elsie said with a sigh. "You're not going to like the next part."
"Well, you see, Crave-Man," Randy said, "all we have to do is lure the big guy over to Fungus Humongous with something. You know, bait. Something that Godzilla would use his atomic breath on. Like Nigel."
Mendel's nods, in response to Randy's preliminary statements, jerked to a stop when Mendel did a double take.
"No!" he shouted, jumping to his feet. "We're not sacrificing my robot to Godzilla's fury!"
"Come on, doc," Randy said. "He's been through worse. I'm sure you'll be able to fix him up in no time. A smart guy like you—"
"You're not going to flatter me into doing this," Mendel snapped. "Besides," he added suddenly, a smirk revealing itself on his face, "Nigel isn't here. I left him at the base."
Elsie and Randy exchanged surprised glances. "You never leave Nigel behind," Randy said.
"I did this time. Just to be safe." Mendel crossed his arms. "So there. New plan. Let's have it."
"Who's Nigel?" Steve spoke up.
"What's Nigel," Elsie corrected. "He's a robot Mendel invented."
"A highly sophisticated piece of complex machinery," Mendel elaborated. "Not something you can just through away at Randy's whim."
"Yellow and black, four wheels, little round head with one eye-thing?" Steve asked, leaning closer.
"Why, yes," Mendel said, turning to him in confusion. "Have you heard of him?"
"I thought he looked familiar!" Steve snapped his fingers. "No worries, people. He's here after all. I saw him below deck when we were loading up the boat."
He beamed at them, obviously thinking he'd done them some great favor. And if you went by Elsie and Randy's delighted cries as they plunged down the stairs, he actually had. Mendel turned away with a sigh and a slight whimper, mentally going through the list of what he would do to rebuild Nigel once again.
He should have left Steve to fend for himself in the ocean.