Hello again, everyone (…anyone?) Here's Chapter One, as our hero begins his crazy journey through this not-so-magical world of Disney
Chapter One
"Shane Barrera, Mr. Jafar will you see now."
I groggily opened my eyes, feeling as though I had just survived riding a merry-go-round in a tornado. Upside down. Where the hell was I?
I was sitting on a bench in the hallway outside of an administrative office, in an apparent high school. I was dressed the same, I felt the same, and I had my backpack still. But this was a place I had never been.
Painted on the yellow walls were things like "Disney High School" and "Go Lions!" The mascot looked a hell of a lot like full-grown Simba, pouncing upon a shrimpy dork wearing football pads (and different, drabber school colors.)
"Shane Barrera?" said the pleasantly plump gray-haired lady at the desk. "Mr. Jafar is ready for you."
Wait a second. I recognized that voice. It sounded like syrup and honey and sugar cookies.
"Mrs. Potts?" I shouted suddenly, a little too loud.
"Uh, yes?" she asked, eying me as though I had escaped from the zoo.
"You're not a teapot," I observed. "You're a person."
"Thank you for noticing," she said, one eyebrow slowly rising. I saw one hand twitch, as though she were internally debating whether to grab the phone and call for security.
"I'm a little excited," I said, trying to cover. "It's my first day."
"It's everyone's first day, dear."
"Well, I mean, at this school. How old am I? Oh yeah, 18. I'm 18. Do I look 18 to you? I haven't seen a mirror yet."
She stared at me for a good four or five awkward seconds before saying, "I think it's best if we don't keep Mr. Jafar waiting."
"Right," I said. "Sorry."
"It's just in there," she said, pointing to a red door.
I walked stiffly over to the door, feeling it better that I didn't make any sudden movements that might result in her pulling a shotgun out from under the desk or something. Though this little hallway and office seemed normal, I couldn't be sure this wasn't some world where secretaries weren't trained in firearms and hand to hand combat.
'I'd destroy you, Potts,' I thought, looking back at her for a second with squinty eyes. 'If it came down to it, I'd take you down without a second thought.'
Thinking the words 'take you down' in reference to a female immediately sprung forth to my shamefully dirty mind the obvious double entendre, and I wondered with a panic, 'Oh God, she's not one of the targets, right? Please, God, don't let her be one of the targets.'
Could God even hear me in this realm? DID GOD EVEN EXIST?
"The door is unlocked…" Mrs. Potts said, still staring at me.
Apparently I had been standing there in front of the door having this internal debate for a socially unacceptable amount of time, and Mrs. Potts had noticed.
"Thank you," I said, trying to recover. "You have a lovely singing voice. Also, I loved 'Murder, She Wrote.'"
She just stared at me as though I had kicked her dog and I hastily opened the door and stepped inside.
Damn. I would have to do better at flying under the radar if I was to avoid being sent to the loony bin. I was going to need to be suave.
"Sit down," said a rather slithery voice.
Sitting at a big black desk was none other than Jafar from 'Aladdin,' dressed in an ugly suit. He was tall, dark, and not at all handsome, with a spider-thin build and big ugly eyes. He had a scraggly goatee and a half-bald head. I noticed with amusement that he had a red parrot perched up in a cage in the back corner.
"Iago!" I exclaimed. "My man! How's it going?"
The bird didn't react, not even a little, and Jafar looked strangely at me.
"How do you know my bird's name?"
Uh-oh.
"Uh, you said it just now."
"No I didn't."
"Yes you did."
"No, I didn't."
"Hmm," I said. "Well, Iago's a pretty common parrot name, so…"
"That is not true whatsoever."
"Pretty much every parrot I've ever come across has been named Iago," I said, trying to sound as truthful as possible (and failing miserably.)
Jafar narrowed his eyes. "Sit down."
I did so. He opened up a file and examined it silently for a few seconds while I looked around. There was a big hourglass sitting in the side of the room, which made me chuckle to myself. Jafar stopped reading and looked up at me suspiciously. I quickly shut the hell up and he gradually went back to reading my file.
"So, Mr. Barrera, it says here that you are a senior transfer from Shit-Stain High School located in the city of Bum-Fuck, USA."
"It does not say that."
"I am looking at your transcripts right in front of me."
"That goddamn Cheshire Cat," I growled.
"Mr. Barrera, you are exceedingly odd, do you know that?" Jafar asked me, sitting back in his seat and clasping his hands together. He examined me as though he was a giant snake and I was a tiny, chubby little mouse named Gus-Gus or something else equally stupid and adorable.
"I…have been told that, yes," I said, also sitting back in my seat and folding my hands. He narrowed his eyes again.
"You're not going to stir up trouble at my school, are you?" he asked. "I've been a guidance counselor for a long time and I have a keen sense of sensing trouble. And you, boy…you rub me the wrong way."
"Would you say I rub you like a…magic lamp?" I asked. (I'm sorry. I just couldn't help myself. Could you, in my shoes? Well, there's a reason the Cat sent me and not you, so nyah.)
"Do I look like I have much of a sense of humor?" Jafar snarled.
"No, sir, I can honestly say you don't."
"Then kindly abstain from making any more jokes in my presence, if you know what's good for you."
"I'm sorry, I just wasn't expecting any villains to be here," I said. "I was caught a little off guard."
"What?"
Oops.
"Nothing," I quickly said. "Nothing."
Looking as if he wanted nothing more than to wring my neck, Jafar slid a piece of paper out to me. I took it and glanced down at it.
"What we have printed here is your class schedule. Everything should be relatively easy to find. There is five minutes between every class; do not be late. Lunch is after fourth period. There are six periods in a given school day." He was quiet for a moment before saying in a low voice, "We have a reputation here at Disney High for academic excellence. We do not tolerate truancy or misbehavior of any kind. I sincerely hope for your sake that you do not find that out the hard way. Or we will be seeing each other again."
I stood up, feeling his black eyes bore into me.
"I truly hope that doesn't happen, sir," I said. Jafar didn't seem convinced.
"Mrs. Potts will direct you to the door. First period begins in twenty-five minutes."
It was out of the frying pan and into the anthropomorphic talking oven.
Chapter 2 will be up soon! All reviews are welcome and appreciated (including flames, if you feel so inclined haha) Thanks for reading!