Chapter 5

I don't get out of bed the next day.

Or the day after that.

Or the one after that.

I've missed a few days of school, but I can't find it in me to care.

I doubt anyone's even noticed my absence.

I learn that my parents have contacted a lawyer, and Cato has been arrested and detained in the county jail since the day after I came home. Because I'm only seventeen, they have kept my name out of the reports on his arrest. But it won't take people long to put two and two together.

Soon, everyone will know what happened.

I lay awake at night, too afraid to go to sleep because of the nightmares that have been plaguing me since I came home.

In them, I can feel his body holding me down. I can feel his hand around my wrists. I can feel the sweat dripping off his forehead onto mine. I can smell his cologne, a smell that I was always fond of.

Until now.

I wake up crying, drenched in sweat.

I don't know what's worse, being in the nightmare and not being able to wake up, or waking up and realizing it wasn't a nightmare, but that it actually happened.

It's my fault anyways I tell myself. I let him do it. Maybe I wanted it…

I stop eating.

My mom comes in every morning, asking if I want any breakfast. I don't answer her. She does the same thing for lunch and dinner. I give her no response. She's taken time off work so she can be here with me, and I want to tell her it's not use.

I'm not worth it.

I feel as if someone has cut my tongue out, and even if I wanted to respond to her, I wouldn't be able to. It's a good thing though, because the last thing I want to do is talk to anyone.

Maybe if I lay here long enough, move as little as possible, don't eat anything, and stop talking, everyone will just forget about me I think to myself.

Maybe one day I will just fade into dust, never to be seen again. It would be for the best, really. Everyone would move on with their lives and I would be nothing anymore.

That sounds wonderful.

Unfortunately, this lovely scenario I have concocted in my mind never happens, because by the third day, while my mother is napping peacefully, I can hear her skinny legs stomping down the hall, ready to barge into my room. We never do lock our front door, now might be a good time to start.

Even though I know she's coming, I still flinch when she opens the door.

"Katniss, what the hell, man? I've been calling and texting you for four days now, don't you think it's about time you pick up your goddamn phone? I mean I know you're busy with work, but fuck, a sign to let me know you're alive would have been nice." I hear Johanna yell at me accusingly.

"It died." I give her softly, never looking away from the wall.

"Uhm, yeah brainless, and then you plug it into a magical little device called a charger and it comes back to life so you can let people know you're not dead. No one knew where you were, we though something bad had happened!"

I almost laugh at her choice of words.

But I don't. I don't even look at her. More like I can't, because if I do she'll sense something is wrong and I don't want her to know.

I just want to be left alone.

"Katniss?" she asks a little calmer, stepping closer to my bed. I don't think she's seen my bruised face yet.

She's just about to reach out and touch my shoulder when I hear my mom call to her from the hallway.

"Johanna, can I talk to you for a minute?" she says softly, but with a stern edge to her voice. I can feel Jo's hesitancy, the tension in the air growing thick.

"Uhm, yeah." She responds, giving me one last look over her shoulder before closing the door halfway behind her.

Finally I think. Maybe she'll just go away.

I hear them walk down the hall, my mother trying to get her as far away from my room as possible so I can't hear what she's about to tell my best friend.

I hear it anyway.

"WHAT?" Jo shouts, unbelievingly. I can only imagine my mother's face. Jo can be a little intimidating when she gets mad.

I stop listening to their conversation, but a few minutes later I hear my door creak open.

"Katniss?" she asks me, and I can hear the tears in her voice.

Johanna Mason never cries.

She walks over to my bed and kneels down in front of me, her face inches away from mine.

I still don't look at her.

I stare at the wall behind her head, because I know as soon as I make eye contact, she'll know.

She'll know what he did to me, and how it was my fault.

She'll know everything I don't want her to.

"Katniss?" she asks again, this time her voice cracking a little. I can see fresh tears coming down her face using my peripheral vision.

Don't look at her, don't look at her, don't look at her…

"Katniss, look at me!" she demands in, what's for her, a soothing voice. My eyes flick down to meet hers and the sight of my strong, independent, no-bullshitting best friend in tears breaks my heart.

She looks into my eyes, trying to see if it's still me. If I'm still the same person she's known for almost twelve years.

I couldn't tell her if I am that person. I don't know anymore.

I can tell she doesn't know what to say. And I can see her hesitancy on whether to reach out and touch me.

This is Johanna I tell myself. Not him.

You have to let her know you're okay with her being here.

I gently reach out and wipe some of the tears off of her face with my thumb, silently trying to tell her not to cry for me. She reaches her hand up to touch mine, holding them both against her cheek.

We sit there staring at each other, silent tears streaming down our faces. I can tell she wants to comfort me, but just can't find the words.

I can see her eyes take in my greasy hair, dirty face, and unwashed clothes. And then she finally thinks of something to say.

"Katniss, I love you, but you fucking smell."

This brings a smile to my face bigger than I've been able to manage in the past week, and a soft chuckle out of me. It's the most noise I've made in days.

"Come on," she says, "get up. If you don't take a bath in the next few minutes I might pass out from toxic gas poisoning."

I let her slowly pull me out of bed and walk me to the bathroom, but make no move to undress myself. She takes the hint and starts doing it for me. I would normally rather not be naked in front of my best friend, but at this point I don't care. I know she won't hurt me.

She's not him I have to remind myself.

Once she fully undresses me, she goes to the bathtub and plugs the drain, turning the water to the hottest it will go. She helps me step into the tub, and I grab the edges, helping myself sit down into the water gently.

I hug my knees to my chest, the burning water warming my cold flesh. Once the tub is full and she's added some soap, Jo turns the water off and rolls up her pant legs. She gets behind me, sitting on the edge of the tub, sticking her feet in the water, and starts shampooing and conditioning my hair.

The head massage she's giving me (about as gentle as Johanna can give one) does feel really good. It feels like she's trying to scrub the demons out of my head.

Yeah, good luck with that.

When she's done she drains the tub and has me stand so she can turn the showerhead back on and rinses my hair and the soap off my body. She then takes my robe hanging on a hook by the shower and shoves my arms into it, as well as taking a towel and wrapping my hair in it to dry.

We walk slowly back to my room and I sit on the edge of the bed while she rummages thorough my drawers, picking out a t-shirt, sweatpants and underwear for me.

She takes the towel off my head and sits behind me on the bed, running a brush through my hair. She parts it three ways and starts weaving the signature braid I always wear down my back. I taught her how to do this in second grade, even though her hair was always too short to be able to braid.

When she's done, she just sits there, breathing lightly. Very gently, as if testing to see how I react, she puts a hand on each of my shoulders, and then wraps them lightly around my front. Her grip tightens as she leans her head on my back, and I can feel the silent sobs breaking free from her. I want to hug her back, but I can't bring myself to do it.

It feels like I don't have energy to show any more emotion.

"I'm sorry, Kat." I hear her crackling voice whisper through tears. "I'm so, so sorry."

"Don't be." I tell her softly. "It was my fault anywa-"

"What?" she cuts me off, sounding shocked.

"It was my fault." I say again. "I should have just done it with him instead of trying to fight it-"

"Katniss," she says in a serious voice, "How can you say that? How can you say you deserved this?"

"Because I did." I reply. "I did. I wasn't being a good girlfriend the way I should have been. He was so good to me and I never fully reciprocated it. I was too selfish to recognize he had needs too-"

"Oh that is such fucking bullshit and you know it, Katniss!" She cuts me off.

I look at her stunned.

"Of course he has need. Everyone has needs! But you just jerk it off and move on. You don't brutally attack and beat someone you've convinced you care about them. He had no right trying to force you into doing anything you didn't want to do, and he sure as fuck didn't have the right to take it from you anyways. I don't care what you think or try and tell yourself, this is his fault, not yours!"

I look down at the bed taking in what she's saying

Maybe she's right I tell myself.

No no, that's ridiculous. I could have fought him off. I could have stopped him, but I chose not to.

I let this happen.

I know she can sense my doubt, so she goes on.

"None of this was, is, or will ever be your fault. It will always be his fault, until the day he croaks and arrives at whatever level of Hell he's going to."

I look up at her and see the seriousness in her eyes. I know she's wrong, but I don't say anything. I'll just keep it to myself because if I don't I'll never hear the end of it.

I just nod my head and make her think she's convinced me otherwise.

I can feel a migraine coming on, and all I really want to do is sleep. But I don't want Jo to go, it's somewhat comforting having her here.

Almost as if she's reading my mind, she says soothingly, "Do you want me to stay for a while? I understand if you don't, but if you want to talk about it, I'll be here for you."

I shake my head, "No, I don't really want to talk about it. But if your parents don't mind, it would be nice if you could stay. Just for a little bit."

She smiles at this. "Oh please, they don't even know where the hell I am half the time, not they would care anyways. Of course I'll stay."

I give her a thankful smile, before my head starts to get worse. I rub my temples, trying to alleviate some of the pain.

Jo notices and says, "Do you want me to get you anything? Some food and an ibuprofen might help your head."

I really don't want to eat anything, but I take her offer anyways.

"Sure." I say.

She gets up to leave and says "Okay. Be right back."

Once she's gone, I think about the events of the day. I really hope Jo doesn't tell anyone else about what happened.

I'll have to make her promise she won't.

This thought brings me back to something she said earlier.

"I've been calling and texting you for four days. No one knew where you were, we though something bad had happened!"

At this I stand up and go to my desk, taking my phone out of my purse and plugging it into the charger near my bed. I wait for it to light up, and when it does I notice I have in fact missed quite a few texts and calls, mostly Johanna.

I press the Voicemail button and put the phone to my ear.

Johanna: "Hey Kat, you'll never believe what just happened-" *skip*

Gale: "Hey Catnip. Finn, Annie and I are going to the movies if you wanna come-" *skip*

Johanna: "Kat, where are you? Why aren't you answering any of my texts. Call me back-" *skip*

Johanna: "Alright, now I'm getting mad. I'm coming over to your house and I expect an explanation as to why you're avoiding me-" *skip*

Delly: "Hey Kat, it's me! I just wanted to let you know that next weekend my family is having a picnic at my house, and everyone is invited. My mom is bugging me to get a definitive number of people so she knows how much food to buy. I'd love it if you would come! I know my cousin really wants to see everyone again! He's graduating high school a semester early and moving down here this winter so he can start at PU with us in the fall. You remember Peeta, right?-"

I don't hear the rest of her message.

That can't be right I ask myself. He's coming back here?

Of course I remember him I think.

How could I ever forget Peeta Mellark?

I hope you guys like it! Please leave a review, they seriously make my day! As always you can find me on here or my tumblr ;)

P.S. Who is excited for the new Catching Fire trailer tomorrow at ComicCon? I can't WAIT!