Chapter 8

"Well, from what you tell me, it sounds like you experienced a panic attack." Cinna tells me. I'm sitting in his office four days after the incident at Delly's picnic, relaying to him what happened. The days following the picnic were horrible, I got maybe ten hours of sleep total and my weight had plummeted even more.

My mother had started noticing how skinny I was becoming, and last night she had accidently interrupted one of my purging sessions in the bathroom. She was so distraught, but surprisingly not that mad at me, as far as I could see. She sat me down to talk about why I refused to eat anything, and when I declined to answer her she made an emergency appointment with Cinna the next day.

She told me "You have enough on your plate right now, we don't need to add eating disorder to the list." So that's how I ended up here, sitting in his office for well over our allotted hour.

"This is a side effect people who have been through something traumatic commonly experience, so don't feel like you're strange for having had this reaction. Do you know exactly what set it off?"

I shake my head. "No. I was feeling okay until my old classmate arrived, and I couldn't even get out two words before I started feeling like I couldn't breathe."

"Do you think it is because he shares a similar physical appearance to Cato?" he asks me.

"No, I don't think so. They really look nothing alike, and Peeta is not nearly as big as him." I answer softly. Cinna has slowly been getting me to open up about my relationship with Cato, even to the point where he got me to talk about what happened that night for about ten minutes before I started crying and our session was done for the day. Ever since then, he never asks about it too much, but just enough for those memories to sometimes resurface.

"So tell me more about this Peeta fellow," he says, "You said you knew him a long time ago, right?"

"Yeah," I reply, "We went to school together kindergarten through second grade before his family moved away. We were never friends, and one of the only times I spoke to him I accused him of making fun of me and yelled in his face."

"But now he's back in town? And he plans on going to college here in the fall?"\

"Yeah." I reply. I really don't want to talk about Peeta right now, but it seems like Cinna is giving me no choice.

"And how do you feel about that?" he asks me.

"I don't know," I shrug, "It's kind of awkward, I guess. I mean I haven't seen him in such a long time and when he left we really weren't on the best of terms. But I guess I have no choice but to be around him because his cousin Delly is one of my best friends."

"Ah, I see." Cinna says. "And do you think that despite what happened when you two were younger, could you see yourself becoming friends with Peeta?"

I freeze.

Friends? With Peeta? I highly doubt it.

"Probably not." I laugh softly. "Why would he want to be friends with me? All I've ever done is been mean to him in the short amount of time I've known him."

"I don't know," he says, "You'd be surprised at what others remember about people they used to know. You may only remember the times you were short with him, but maybe he remembers you in a different light. Did he seem angry at you when he said hello?"

"No," I say lowly, "He was nice to me for the five seconds I saw him. He didn't seem bitter."

"Well Katniss, if I were you I would try and talk to him. He seems like a nice person, and one can never have too many friends." I nod and he continues. "Good. On the subject of the panic attack you seem to have had at the party, I would like to put you on a low dose of Prozac, which should help with some of the anxiety you feel."

"Wait, you didn't say anything about putting me on medication…" I counter in an angry voice.

"Well I haven't seen any reason to have you on anything until now." he says. "Don't worry, this type of drug has a very low risk of mild side effects and will help you deal with stressful situations. You can take it and see how you feel, and if you still don't feel better we can try something else, okay?"

"Fine." I relent under my breath, upset he thinks a pill will fix me.

"And another thing I need to talk to you about it your weight loss. Your mother informed me of you current eating habits, and I want to tell you that not eating and purging up anything in your stomach will only end in tragedy. I have seen so many girls go down that dangerous path, and I would hate to see you follow in their footsteps.

Bulimia is a deadly disease, even though you may not think so, and the only way you are going to get better is if you put effort into consuming the nutrients your body needs. They will help you feel better physically and mentally, even if you may experience some discomfort in eating. That is why I am giving you and your parents a copy of a meal plan I would like you to start, as well as a prescription for some nutrient shakes I want you to start drinking in the morning and at night to help you gain some weight back. Because they are liquid they might feel easier on your stomach, but I still want you to try and follow your meal plan."

I nod and he hands me both prescriptions and the meal plan and walks me out to where my mom is in the waiting room.

"You're going to get through this Katniss." He says. "But you have to work for it and have some hope. Just remember, hope is the only thing stronger than fear."

He smiles at me and I smile back, tired and ready to go home. He leans down and whispers in my ear, "And try to become friends with Peeta. Having new people in our lives can sometimes be the key to helping us with our problems."

I nod and begin to walk out to the car with my mom. We go to the store to drop off my prescriptions and head back home.

A few days later the weekend finally comes and I wish I could be more excited about it. My parents and I have our first appointment with a lawyer today to talk about what the process will be in defending myself against Cato in court. I don't even want to think about having to go to court and face not only him, but also a room full of people trying to send him away to jail.

Especially over something I could have prevented.

I'm in my room getting ready when my mom comes in to bring me my nutrition shake Cinna prescribed. She sets it down on my nightstand and sits down on my bed. I give her an eye roll in the mirror, dreading having to drink that dirt-flavored "vanilla" shake.

"Ugh, do I really have to drink that? It tastes like garbage." I complain.

"Yes you do, Katniss. Your body needs the nutrients and it will give you more energy. And besides, they've been working. I can already tell in the past few days you've been taking them what a difference they're making." I roll my eyes at her again and go to grab the shake, plugging my nose and chugging it down as fast as I can.

"Blech." I run to the bathroom and brush my teeth immediately, trying to get the horrid taste out of my mouth. When I return she is waiting to walk me to the car to go to our appointment.

She probably thinks I'm going to try and throw the shake up.

I choose not to, because my punishment would probably be along the lines of having to drink even more shakes, and I would rather just not take the risk. I think she's right though, since I started taking the shakes, I've gained a couple pounds and can feel my appetite returning, even though it still feels like food just sits in my stomach. And also my digestion has gotten a little better, so I guess the shakes were a good call.

I follow her down the hallway and out of the house, sitting in the backseat of the car. Prim is with Rue today, as my parents didn't really want to have to take her to meet the lawyer. It's for the best; I really don't want my little sister to know everything in detail that happened that night, something I am absolutely dreading about having to tell a room full of people. My dad backs out of the driveway and I lean my head against the window, feeling the fatigue pull on my eyelids.

The Prozac Cinna put me on has been helping somewhat with my anxiety, and I feel less nervous than I did a few days ago, but an unfortunate side effect is that I think it's making me really tired. On the flip side, however, because I'm so tired it's helping me sleep at night, and in turn I don't have as many nightmares, so that's a plus. I just wish I didn't have to take medication and drink disgusting shakes to feel normal. I would give anything to just be able to go back to the way I used to be, before that night.

I am just starting to drift off when I feel my dad park the car, signaling we have arrived at the lawyer's office. We walk into the building, and tell the receptionist we have an appointment. She tells us the lawyer will be out in a few minutes, so the three of us stand awkwardly in the room until he arrives.

As soon as he turns the corner, I question whether this was a good idea at all. He's fairly tall, but has a medium-sized beer belly with greasy, stringy grey hair. It also looks like he doesn't own a razor, because he has quite the scruff and severe five o'clock shadow. He reaches out his hand to me and I can smell liquor on his breath.

"Hi, you must be Katniss, Lillian, and Scott. It's a pleasure to meet you. My name is Mr. Abernathy, but you can call me Haymitch." He shakes each of our hands and motions us to follow him back to his office. We file in one by one and each take a seat in front of a big wooden desk. He takes a seat behind it and begins.

"Well, I think we all know why you three are here, and firstly I would like to say that I am very sorry about what happened to you Katniss, it's disgusting and I hope to be able to help you in any way I can." I give small nod in thanks and he continues.

"Because you are only seventeen, the state will represent you against Mr. Cato Billings, so your name can be left out of the news reports. You can choose to come to the trial, unless the defense calls you as a witness, which is highly possible, and you will have to testify. But I hope to help the DA put together a strong enough prosecution so it doesn't come to that. Do you have any questions for me?"

I nod, and in a small voice ask him, "What exactly is he being charged with?"

He looks down at the file in front of him and reads off a list: "Sexual assault and battery; Rape of a minor; Assault in the first degree; Domestic Abuse; and underage drinking. According to your reports prior to today, I did not think it wise to add Sodomy or Kidnapping to the charges, as one did not happen and the other would be almost impossible to prove, considering it would be your word against his."

I nod again, and he turns to my parents. He discusses with them for the next hour about all the proceedings that will happen leading up to court, as well as the court date next month. At the end of our meeting, he turns back to me and says, "I promise you I'm going to do everything in my power to put the man who did this to you away for a very long time. I think we have a strong case and I've been able to convict people of similar crimes with less evidence before. You're in good hands, Ms. Everdeen, try not to lose any sleep over this situation."

Easy for him to say I think to myself.

We shake hands and my parents and I begin out trek back to the car to go home. My mom puts an arm around my shoulders and affectionately pats my arm, earning a weak smile out of me. All I want to do right now is go home and sleep, and not think about Cato, or Haymitch, or courts. I pray they won't call me to testify, I don't think I would be strong enough to handle it. The ride back to the house is silent, and when we get home I drag myself to my room, crawl into my pajamas and burrow under the covers.

I feel someone shaking my shoulder, and when I open my eyes I see my mom, inches away from my face. I look at the clock and see it's around seven, so she's probably waking me up to come eat dinner.

"Hi baby," she says, "You have a visitor."

I look at her with shock on my face.

Who could it be?

Johanna? No, if she were here she would just come to my room on her own.

Who the hell is here and why do they want to see me?

"Who is it?" I ask her, sleep making my voice groggy. She steps aside, allowing me to see who's standing in the threshold of my room.

Finnick.

Fuck.

I give her a nod in assurance, and she begins to make her way out of my room.

"Dinner is almost ready honey, come out when you're ready. Finnick, would you like to stay for dinner?"

"Oh, no thank you Mrs. E, I promised Annie I would meet her at the diner later. But thanks for the invite." He replies, easily turning on the charm he is so well known for. My mother gives him a smile before leaving the room, letting the door stay open just a crack.

Finnick turns back to me and gives me a small smile. I sit up and smile back. "Hey Finn, what's up?" I say as smoothly as I can, trying to hide the fact that I'm scared about why he's here.

Does he know something?

"Hey Kat, I just wanted to come by and see how you were. You didn't seem like yourself at the picnic the other day."

"Oh yeah, sorry about snapping at you like that. I wasn't really feeling well and just wanted to get home." I say, trying to brush off the incident nonchalantly. He makes a move to come sit on the end of my bed, and I lean back just a little bit, but try not to let him see.

This is ridiculous I think.

This is Finnick. Goofy, wanna-be sex god Finnick who wouldn't hurt a fly.

I feel better at my reasoning and embrace his presence a little more, waiting expectantly for him to continue the conversation. "Are you sure?" he presses, "You know if something's bothering you, you can tell me, right?"

Oh, he definitely knows something.

"Yeah, I'm sure. I'm fine, just tired."

"Okay, good. Hey, do you know where Cato is? I have something to ask him and he hasn't been answering any calls or texts."

I freeze at the name. I stare at Finnick like a deer caught in the headlights. I try to compose myself when I answer in a shaky voice, "Um, I'm not sure, I haven't talked to him in a few days. I've been busy."

I can tell he doesn't buy it. Before I can say anything else, he reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls something out.

A newspaper.

He unfolds it and there, on the front page in the bottom left corner reads the headline:

Local Youth Taken Into Custody After Accusation of Sexual Assault.

Leave it to Finnick to actually read the fucking newspaper I seethe.

I refuse to look up at him. I can feel the panic rising in my chest, and tears start to prick my eyes.

"Katniss?" he asks softly. I still can't look at him. This can't ben happening right now.

"Katniss, do you know anything about this?"

I take a deep breath, "I-" I squeak out, but can't finish my sentence.

He knows. He figured it out.

"Did he do this to you?" he whispers. And that's when I break down.

The tears just start coming and I can't do anything to hold them back. I can feel my chest heaving harder than it has in days and my cheeks feel like they're on fire. This is so embarrassing. I feel Finnick pull me into a hug and I don't have it in me to try and fight him off. I'm done fighting.

We sit there for a few minutes before he releases me and puts a finger under my chin, lifting my head so I'll look at him. I'm surprised to see that his eyes are red and shiny, a telling sign of unshed tears.

"I'm so sorry Katniss." He says slowly.

"Did Johanna tell you?" I ask him through my tears, dreading he will say yes.

"Actually no, I didn't even know that she knew. I could tell something was bothering you, but I couldn't put my finger on it until I saw you at the party, and then it hit me like a truck."

"Do you think the others figured it out too?" I ask in a panicked voice.

He shakes his head, "I don't think so. If they did no one said anything. And they can't see the signs like I can."

I look at him confused. What is he talking about?

He gives me a hesitant look, and takes a deep, shaky breath before continuing.

"Listen, I'm going to tell you something no one outside my family knows. Not even Annie. I'll tell her when the time is right, just not now."

"What is it?" I ask, still confused.

He continues, "The reason I figured out what happened to you is because I've had something similar happen to me. When I was eight years old, I became really close to my Uncle Chris. I thought he was the coolest guy, and we did everything together. He was the one who encouraged me to join the swim team at school, and he introduced me to a ton of awesome movies and music. I really looked up to him, and would go over to his house almost every weekend to hang out when my parents worked.

One weekend, though, something happened. He put on a movie and got me some popcorn, and about half way through the movie he started unzipping my pants and touching me. I got freaked out, and asked him what he was doing. He told me what he was doing was okay and normal, and that it would make me feel really good. Because I trusted him, I didn't make him stop. I trusted him enough to do that to me, and in time he convinced me to do it back to him.

He told me I was making him happy, and things got progressively more intense between us. Because I was so young at the beginning, he had convinced me there was nothing wrong with what we were doing. But as the years went by and I started hanging out with friends and going to school, I realized something was wrong. All the other kids didn't seem to be doing what I was doing, and if they were they were doing it with kids their own age, not their grown male uncles. This lasted until I was thirteen, and I finally told my parents what had been happening.

Long story short, he was arrested and there was a trial and a ton of shit went down. He ended up getting a life sentence, and my parents stood by me through the whole thing. The rest of the family, however, blamed me and my parents for getting precious Uncle Chris sent to jail, saying that I was lying about what happened and that it was my entire fault. They started harassing my parents and I, until my parents decided enough was enough and moved us out here when I was sixteen, when I met all of you guys."

I sit there stunned.

Absolutely fucking sunned.

I cannot believe the story I just heard.

"Oh, Finnick. I had no idea. I don't even know what to say…" I rest my hand on top of his, my mouth hanging open. He gives me a small smile and pats my hand.

"You don't need to say anything," he tells me, "It's part of my past, but isn't the person I am today. I have you guys to thank for that."

I'm still crying at this point, but even harder now that I know exactly what my friend has been through. I would have never guesses the golden funny boy with a big heart came from such a fucked up background.

"How did you get past it?" I ask before I have a chance to stop myself.

He shrugs. "I spent a lot of time talking to therapists, which helped. And I was put on a lot of medication, which I'm finally off thank god. I threw myself into swimming and tried to become the best athlete I could be. I hated myself for a ong time, though. I really did believe it was my fault, and that I should have done something to stop it. I was wrong, though. It took some time, but I came to the conclusion that what happened wasn't my fault, and that I was the victim. My family really helped me through it Katniss, which is why I know you'll be able to get through what happened to you."

"And swimming didn't remind you of him? Of what he did?"

He thinks for a few seconds and responds, "No, it used to. But I loved it too much to give it up. I knew that he was the one who originally encouraged me to do it, but he wasn't my driving force. I fell in love with it and felt like if I stopped then I was letting him win. That it was just one more thing he would take away from me."

We're both silent for a few minutes before he speaks up again. "But you want to know what helped the most? The thing that literally saved my life?" I nod.

"Moving here and becoming friends with all of you guys. I was so against leaving my old home, and resented my parents for forcing me. The first summer I spent here before school started was the most miserable of my life. But when I met you, and Annie, and Delly, and Madge, and Gale, I finally felt like I was worth it. You guys showed me so much unconditional love form the very beginning that I finally felt like life was worth living. Honestly, if it weren't for you guys becoming my friends, I probably wouldn't be here today."

I'm still crying, but this time I pull him into the hug. He leans his chin on my shoulder and says in my ear, "You're going to get through this Kat. I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but I promise you will. You'll come through it a stronger person, and you'll go on to live a happy, fulfilled life with someone who loves you. You just gotta fight for it."

I pull back and look at him when he puts a hand on my wet cheek and say, "Promise me, you'll fight for it."

I nod and close my eyes. "I promise."

He's right I think. I have to fight for it. It won't be easy, but I'll get there.

"Good," he says, "Well, I should leave you to go enjoy dinner with your family. Just know that if you ever want to talk, I will always be there for you. Don't hesitate to reach out."

He's almost at the door when he turns around with a big, shit-eating grin on his face.

"Oh, by the way. Blondie asked about you after you ran away from him. I didn't tell him anything I suspected of course, but he seemed genuinely concerned for you. From what I hear, you two didn't have the best relationship back in the day."

"No, we didn't. I screamed at him in Kindergarten and that was the last time we interacted." I say with a small laugh.

"Well, I'm no expert," he continues, "But if I had to bet money on it, I'd say big-ol blue sparkly eyes has a thing for you, Ms. Everdeen. And don't even try to deny the way you were drooling over him when he walked up, we all saw it."

"I was NOT drooling!" I say accusingly.

"Oh please, you have the hots for him and you know it. If I were you, I would jump on that pony and take it for a ride. You might be surprised at what you find. Something good will come out this shitty situation Katniss, and it could be what you least expect. Mark my words…"

And with that he trails off, giving me a wink and walking his tanned bod out the door.

I just shake my head after him, laughing softly, praying to God he's right.

Hey guys, thanks for reading! I hope you like it and please feel free to leave a review, I love them and they make my day!