SQ: I hope everyone's having a lovely holiday season. I, for one, cannot wait for December 25. Thanks so much to my dedicated followers! I hope you enjoy this chapter.
Note: Concerning the arhaie love reference, it is not mentioned anywhere on the Teen Titans show. I created it purely for my own enjoyment.
[Chapter 8: Starfire's Response]
Raven's breathing seemed to grow more painful with every step she took. What the hell was she doing? She rubbed her arms to stop the trembling. Every fiber in her being screamed to turn back. She almost listened but her power crashed in waves with each beat of her heart and forced her to go on. The walk from her room to Star's seemed to take forever, longer than forever if there ever was such a degree. Raven's legs felt like rubber. They barely held her weight. This couldn't be how someone was supposed to feel when confronting their emotions. This couldn't be how someone would feel when confessing their love. No one would ever do it.
What if Starfire truly didn't understand? What if she was repulsed by the idea? Darkness seemed to press in on her, the shadows calling her to their depths. To hide from her rattled state. To hide from it all.
But Raven kept walking. Her logical brain throttled her with facts. If she didn't tell Starfire, her power would harm someone else. If she didn't tell Starfire, Star might feel left out of the group when she found out. If she didn't tell Starfire, Raven might be overcome with emotions she couldn't handle.
If she didn't tell Starfire, Raven would never know how Star felt in return.
What if Star liked her back?
A glimmer of blue light shone in the darkness. Holiday lights. A smile curled her lips upward. Starfire had put them up weeks in advance, as usual. Earth holidays captivated her. Raven reached Starfire's door, the blue glow brightening her hand as she lifted to knock on the hard surface.
Raven dropped her fist as a new, more terrifying thought hit her. What if Star did understand, wasn't repulsed, and yet still rejected her? Rejection by a friend, and fellow Titan, might be more than Raven could bear. She took a step back. The awkwardness alone would cause her to leave. And then where would she go? Raven knew relationships were hard… but a relationship with a fellow Teen Titan might be the end of everything. What if telling Starfire would destroy the group forever?
Raven turned away, shifting her gaze to the shadows. The warm glow silhouetted her form on the hallway. But it wasn't about them.
This was about her and Starfire. No one else.
Swiveling on the ball of her socked foot, Raven lifted her hand. So much lay in wait on the other side of this door. A possible romance. Raven's future. Starfire. Raven's power surged through her shoulder, down her arm, and pooled in her fingertips, a steady violet swirling across her palm. She had to tell Starfire. Raven knocked twice. The sharp sound reverberated through the quiet hallway.
She waited. Her power thrummed in her ears. Her heart thudded against her chest. Clenching her hands by her sides, Raven tried to calm her rapid breaths.
Why hadn't Star answered?
Raven inched closer to the dark wood. Her muscles tensed. Her entire reason for being narrowed on that door, everything else disappeared. She knocked again. Waited. Nothing.
"Starfire?" Raven called out in a soft voice.
A hand plopped on Raven's shoulder, startling her. Raven jerked away, the world snapped back into focus. Darkness. Shadows. Dark wood. Blue lights. Starfire.
Starfire stood, bathed in the azure light of her own twinkle lights. She tilted her head. "Did you wish to speak to me about something, Raven?"
Where the hell did she come from? Raven struggled to find her voice hiding the depths of her tightening throat. "Yes. For a minute. If you have time."
But not here. Not here. Not in the hallway. Not someplace so public.
Starfire's grin almost melted Raven's resolve. She was just about to suggest the hallway when Starfire tugged at her hand, pulling her to the stairs. "Of course I have time! Please, follow me to the roof. I was enjoying some stargazing earlier. It would be the perfect place for a discussion."
Raven allowed herself to be dragged upstairs and outside. It gave her a few precious moments to figure out what she would say. Starfire, I like you sounded too blunt. I have to tell you something sounded too serious. Thoughts swirled through Raven's mind. Cool moist air on her skin brought her back to her senses. Starfire lingered in front of her, staring with such intensity Raven's breath caught. Starfire's emerald eyes pierced through her, spearing her soul and her thoughts at once.
Raven motioned to sit down. Starfire knelt at once, spreading her hands wide as she leaned back on her palms and surveyed the sky. Raven settled down beside her and, to steal more time than anything else, she glanced up as well. The stars, on a backdrop of darkness, went on forever. Constellations formed in Raven's mind as she recalled the few she knew.
She pointed skyward. "That cluster of stars is called Andromeda."
Starfire twisted to look behind her, following the path of Raven's finger. "Andromeda? I have not heard of such a figure."
"It's named for the Greek myth of a woman named Andromeda. She was this princess sacrificed to a monster for the sins of her parents." Unwillingly, Raven had stumbled into the perfect opening for her confession.
"That doesn't sound like a pleasant myth." Starfire wrinkled her nose.
Raven laughed. "Well, it gets better. Andromeda was rescued by Perseus, a passing hero. The myth goes on to say he fell in love with her. How her beauty captivated him. He made this deal with her parents that if he killed the monster, he would get to marry her. They agreed. He slayed the monster and she was freed. They got married and, according to the mythology, lived a long and happy life together."
Starfire stared at Raven with wide eyes. "How do you know so much about this myth?"
This could be it. She should tell Starfire how she felt right now. Right now. Now. Damn it, now! Raven's throat tightened. Finally, she shrugged. "I read."
Starfire looked away again, gazing at the constellation. Raven glared at her knees, pulling her legs underneath her. It had been the perfect opportunity to tell Starfire how she felt. She couldn't. Wouldn't. Even after her power hummed through her body, warming her, giving her strength, her voice still gave out. Her heart began to pound again. Raven breathed inward but when she exhaled no words formed on her tongue. Why was this so damn difficult? Even through the warm night air, her arms trembled. She crossed them, but a tendril of her power leaked from her fingertips and pulled toward Starfire. She yanked her dark cloak around her, shielding Starfire from the power. The tendril disappeared. Raven sighed. How did anyone get around to talking about anything important?
But then, Starfire turned to her and said, "I would be so lucky to have someone love me like that. A man willing to slay a monster for me."
Raven's stomach plummeted. A man? What about women? Perhaps she didn't need to be so freaked out at all, so damn emotional. Pure curiosity drove Raven to say her next words. "There are many different kinds of love."
Starfire, seeming to sense the importance of Raven's statement, nodded. As she spoke, she ticked the types off on her fingers. "True. There is friendship love. Brotherly love. Passionate love–"
Raven interrupted. "Yes, but there are other kinds of love, too. Other types of love. Other lovers."
Nerves tied her tongue, rambled her speech. What was she saying? This wasn't how it was supposed to go. A bead of sweat traced a path down Raven's back. Afraid Starfire would notice her shaking legs, Raven pushed her cloak over them, too.
Starfire tilted her head to the left. She pulled her legs up and wrapped her arms around them. "What do you mean other lovers?"
There was no getting around it. No stopping this conversation. Yes, Raven could divert it to other topics. Yes, Raven could ramble on about something else.
But she didn't want to. For the first time in a very long time, Raven wanted to talk about her feelings. Her voice came out shaky at first. "Well, there's the love between a man and a woman, of course."
At Starfire's nod, Raven continued, voice stronger now. "And there's also the love between a man and a man."
"Those men are considered gay, yes?" Starfire trilled.
Raven jerked her head down. One short nod. Her heart beat so hard she was afraid it might burst. The weight of her emotions shoved her down, curling her shoulders. Her lips turned down. "And there's the love between two women."
"They're considered lesbians." Starfire twisted her fingers together on her knees. She narrowed her eyes. "Are you feeling well, Raven? You are pale, even for your skin tone."
"I'm fine." A lie. But Starfire could probably see right through it anyway. Unable to contain it any longer, Raven barreled on. "I have something to tell you, Star."
"Yes?" Starfire leaned closer.
So close. They were so close Raven could reach out and pull Starfire in for a kiss. A warmth spread through Raven's body at that thought, her power stretched to every inch of her skin. Tingling. Prickling. Wanting to be released. Needing more. Clawing against its cage. All sound disappeared under the unsteady beating of her heart. The only concern of hers was Starfire's reaction. That's all that mattered in the world right now.
"I wanted to tell you." Raven stopped, breathed. Then tried again. "I wanted to tell you how much I liked you."
What if she didn't understand?
Uncertainty gripped Raven, held her rooted to the spot, drove her to clarify even further. She spoke to her knees, the ground, her cloak, the sky, eyes searching for something but unable to find it. "And not a friend like or a sisterly like. A passionate like."
Finally her gaze landed on Starfire. Those emerald green eyes captivated her, held her, settled her. Raven reached out and grasped one of Starfire's hand. "I'm a lesbian, Star, and I've fallen for you."
Silence. Gripping, terrifying, horrible damn silence. Raven let go, drew back.
Starfire's shocked expression melted away into a soft smile. "We have a name for this feeling on my homeworld, too. It's called the arhaie love. It has pulled me towards you for some time now." A blush darkened her cheeks. "I am happy to be your Andromeda." She pulled Raven in for a hug. "I am also happy there are no monsters in your world."
Face full of Starfire's vibrant red hair, Raven grinned. The berry soap Starfire had used permeated Raven's senses. She hadn't been rejected. The green-skinned alien readily accepted her and, if Raven interpreted Starfire's words correctly, actually liked her back! She couldn't be happier. But her powers jerked within her, pressed upon her bones, muscles, skin, as if needing to explode. Raven's joy faded a little.
"Don't rule out the monsters just yet, Star," she whispered.
Starfire squeezed harder in response.
SQ: Let me know what you think! Happy holidays!