Chapter 12

(2 weeks later)

I am so ready to get out of this hospital it's not even funny.

The past few weeks have been anything but fun, and if I have to write about my feelings one more time I'm going to lose my mind.

As much as I want to convince myself it didn't, the hospital has actually helped me in the weeks I've been here. I mean, they helped me against my own will, but I'm feeling a little better nonetheless. After the first few sessions with my assigned psychiatrist went horribly, the hospital realized it was going nowhere and did something I was not expecting.

Apparently they had talked to my mom, and she told them how well I had responded to Cinna when I first started seeing him, and she thought it might help if he came to see me. And, surprisingly, he did. I was so relieved when it was him who walked through the door, and not the bitchy shrink I was used to. He had given me a big hug, telling me how happy he was that I was okay, and that he was going to help me get through this ordeal.

I was very hesitant at first to accept his help: I didn't want to be cured. But after talking with him for five minutes, I realized how happy I was to see him again, despite the fact I didn't want any help.

After our first meeting, the hospital set it up so that he could be my permanent psychiatrist for the rest of my stay, and that when I was ready to go home, I would continue extensive outpatient therapy with him.

He made me talk about what happened the night of the bonfire, and how I had felt that night. He made me tell him the reasoning behind why I tried to kill myself. I had told him the main reason was that, now that everyone had found out what happened, I didn't feel like trying to defend myself. I told him I was so sick of fighting against everyone else; I had just wanted it to end. I had felt like no one wanted me around, knowing that I was sending someone to jail for a crime they think he didn't commit.

And most of all, I tell him I did it because of how alone I felt. I felt like no one would ever love me again after what I did, and those who did love me would change their minds. I told him I just wanted to be free. Free of everything tying me to a life I didn't want anymore. Free of the pain and embarrassment.

He took it all in, everything I told him, and then he went to work trying to debunk all of these doubts I had about myself. It took a while, and I still don't believe half of what he said, but he told me that nothing I was thinking that night at the lake was real. He told me my family and friends are all on my side; that they know the truth and they would always love me.

I still doubted this on the day I had received Peeta's flowers and note, and when Cinna came to visit the first time he asked me with a smile, "Do you think someone who didn't care about you would go through all this trouble, just to let you know he was thinking about you?" I had given him a small smile and said "I guess not."

We talked about my dad, which is still an extremely sore subject for me. I had told him why I hated my dad and what he did, and he asked me what I would have done if I were him.

"If you saw one of your children who you loved, dying in the middle of a lake, what would you have done?" I think about this and come to the conclusion I would have acted in the same way my dad did.

I am still angry with him, and have not seen him since that first day in the hospital, but I guess I could understand where he was coming from.

Cinna also reaffirmed me that I wasn't lying about what Cato did to me: Cato had hurt me, and it wasn't my fault, even though Clove tried to tell everyone it was. Cinna had tried to show me that I had a life worth living for, and that trying to take my own life didn't make me an evil person. I still don't fully agree with him, but it did feel good to hear someone say that after all the shit that went down.

I try not to think about ending my life again, I'm trying to accept that I need to be alive, not only for myself, but for everyone who loves me. I still have moments of weakness, where I tell myself it would be easier to just end it and wash my hands of the pain. But through my sessions with Cinna, I have realized that, even though it's hard, having a happy life is worth fighting for, and that's what I'm going to try to do.

Hopefully.

Today is my last day in the hospital, and I get to go home tomorrow.

The doctors have worked with Cinna, and they have all come to the conclusion I am not longer a threat to myself, but I still need to monitored at all times. I am to be discharged into the care of my family, and will be required to attend outpatient sessions with Cinna four times a week. They warn me that if I miss even one session, I will be ordered to check back into the hospital, against my will.

I guess it won't be too bad, at least I get to go home.

I am just finishing my disgusting, tasteless lunch when one of the nurses comes in to tell me something.

"Katniss, there is a young man here to see you. Would you like me to let him in?"

Ugh, who wants to see me? Can't they just wait? I'm almost out of here.

I relent, telling her "Sure." She leaves the room to go get this young man. I assume it's Finnick, he's written me a few letters in the past couple weeks, some of them very nice, and a few that were typically Finnick.

None of them made me feel the way Peeta's did, though.

If I'm being honest with myself, I actually do miss my friends. It's still embarrassing to think that they know what I did and that I've been in the psych ward for three weeks, but I still miss seeing them. I even miss my mom and Prim. The only person I am dreading seeing is my dad. I don't think I'll ever get over how he betrayed me, no matter how hard Cinna tries to convince me otherwise.

I'm deep in thought when I hear a soft knock on the door. I turn to see the one person I wasn't expecting: Peeta.

He gives me a small smile, his blue eyes sparkling.

"Hey." He says in a raspy voice.

I am shocked to see him here; I didn't think he would actually want to visit me. "Hey." I say as I smile back at him.

He walks into the room slowly, trying to gauge how I'm going to react to his presence. He's the first visitor I've allowed to come to my room, and even though I thought it would make me feel awkward, it doesn't. He comes to stand by my bed, and gestures to the chair next to it. "Mind if I sit?"

I shake my head and say, "No, go ahead."

He sits down and doesn't say anything for a few moments. "Did you get my flowers?" He asks in a small voice.

I smile and say, "Yes I did, they were beautiful. And the note as well, it uh… really helped a lot."

"Good, I'm glad." He's silent again and I don't know what to say. We sit there for a minute or so before he speaks.

"How are you feeling?" I can tell he's grasping at straws, so I try to give him the benefit of the doubt.

"Better than I did a few weeks ago, that's for sure." I say with a chuckle. He doesn't laugh back, and I feel like that was a little insensitive. I try to correct it by continuing, "I mean, I do feel better. I'm still struggling with some things, but I think I'm getting there. One day at a time, ya know?"

He nods and his lips lift up into a small smile. His eyes are downcast as we sit in silence yet again, and it's starting to unnerve me.

"Peeta?" He doesn't look at me, his eyes still down to the ground.

Why is he being so weird? He's usually so good with words.

"Peeta?" I ask again softly. His eyes finally meet mine and I see that they a red-rimmed with unshed tears. The sight takes me back and I don't believe what I'm seeing.

Is he crying?

"Peeta, what's wrong?" I ask him, concerned.

"I- I just…." He chokes out, the tears threatening to spill over. I move closer to the edge of the bed and put a hand on his shoulder, looking at him expectantly.

I see the first tear roll down his cheek when he finally says in a choked up voice, "I'm really glad you're okay, Katniss." And with that he stands quickly and sits on the edge of the bed, wrapping me in a tight bear hug.

He startles me a little bit at first, but when I feel him wrap his arms around my shoulders and tuck his face into my neck, I feel enormous comfort. I feel more comfort in this moment than I ever have since the night Cato attacked me. It feels like he is trying to pour every emotion he has into this hug, and I can't help but reciprocate it.

I wrap my arms around his midsection, feeling his body shake with silent sobs. I can feel my t-shirt getting damp with his tears, but I don't care. I'm really glad he's here.

"I'm so glad you're okay." He says again, this time muffled against my shoulder.

"Me too." I say back without thinking.

What the fuck? Why did I say that? That's not how I felt a half an hour ago.

I was anything but thankful to be alive.

We sit there for another minute holding each other, before he pulls back and sits down in the chair again. He sees the shock still evident on my face, and instantly starts apologizing.

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to scare you, I shouldn't have done that! I-"

"Peeta!" I shout playfully at him, trying to get him to shut up. He stops and I smile at him.

"You didn't scare me. I just wasn't expecting it, is all." He calms down a little bit and wipes the tears away from his face. All I can do is smile at him and think how sweet he looks right now. I may not know Peeta very well, but I can tell he's sensitive, and I think that is a very redeeming quality.

"So, how is everyone out there? Anything change?" I say, trying to lighten up the mood in the room. He shakes his head, "No, not much. Everyone really misses you, Finnick and Johanna especially. They're driving everyone crazy."

I laugh, thinking about how in character his statement is. "Oh, and I thought you would like to know that almost everyone on the beach that night was furious with Clove after you left."

My eyes shoot up to my hairline at this statement. He sees my expression and continues.

"Yeah, they all told her she didn't know what the fuck she was talking about and that she has a big mouth. I mean, there were a few people who sided with her, but they were all her friends I think. Most people thought that was a really fucked up thing for her to do."

I want to cry at his statement.

I had no idea the others felt this way: I was convinced everyone would hate me after what she said, that they would all blame me for Cato going to jail.

Like he can read my mind, Peeta says, "No one blames you Katniss. Not for any of it. Nothing that happened to you was your fault, please believe me." The desperation in his voice when he says this is my undoing.

I look down at my lap and begin to sob silently.

What if he's lying?

What if everyone does hate me, and he's just saying this to make me feel better?

No.

He's telling the truth.

Will the day ever come when I stop doubting things Peeta Mellark says?

He sees the tears land on my shirt and tucks his finger under my chin, bringing my head up to look at him.

"Hey," he says softly. "Don't cry. It's okay. A lot of people out there love you Katniss, you just haven't let yourself see it." I stare into his bright blue eyes as he wipes the tears away from my cheeks with his thumb. He gives me a small smile and caresses my cheek tenderly.

"So," he says, changing the subject, "You ready to get out of here? This place is kind of depressing." His statement makes me laugh out loud, and I let out a groan as my head falls back against the mattress.

"Ugggghhh, you have no idea. I hate this place. The food is horrible."

He laughs, and says, "I bet. Are you excited to see your family?"

I nod, "Yeah, I really miss my mom and Prim."

"What about your dad?" My face instantly falls at this question, and he sees it.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I probably shouldn't have asked that." He says apologetically.

"No no," I say hurriedly, "It's fine. I, uh, love my dad; I'm just… having trouble getting over his involvement in what happened. I'll get there though, one day."

Okay, so I told Peeta a little white lie. The truth is I am still very much infuriated with my father and am dreading having to be in the same room as him. But Peeta doesn't need to worry about that.

He smiles again softly, "Good." We fall into silence again, and I think back to the letter Peeta sent me with the flowers. "Peeta, can I ask you a question?"

"Yeah, anything!" he says happily.

"Why do you want to take me out on a date so bad? Haven't I given you enough reason to get as far away from me as possible?"

I see the panicked look instantly cloud his handsome face; I don't think he wasn't expecting me to ask him this so bluntly. I can see the gears in his head turning as he formulates his answer.

"I, um- I just, uh…" I smile at his nervousness, thinking it's actually quite cute. He clears his throat as he speaks again.

"Because you're a nice, caring person. I know you'll deny it and say you aren't, and even though you yelled at me when we were little, I've never had anything but admiration for you." I look at him, no expression on my face.

He goes on, "I just knew that when I came back here, I wanted to try to get to know you better, as a friend and maybe more. You've just always fascinated me Katniss. You're not like other girls. You're better." When I don't answer, he takes it the wrong way and starts to panic.

"But please, don't feel pressured to go on a date with me. I completely understand if you don't want to, trust me, it won't hurt my feelings. I'm more than happy just being your friend. I should have known not to ask you, so soon after everything that happened. And I just assumed you would want to go out with me, which is stupid. God, I'm an idiot! I-"

He stops rambling and looks at me, shocked to see that I'm laughing hysterically.

I can't stop myself, and eventually he starts chuckling along with me.

"What's so funny?" He says playfully.

Once I calm down I answer him, and say, "You're really cute when you get nervous and start rambling."

"I'm sorry." He apologizes, a defeated look on his face. He stays that way, but a few seconds later a playful look crosses his face.

"Wait, did I hear that right? Did Katniss Everdeen just call me cute?"

"Maybe…" I trail off, giving him a sarcastically seductive look. He laughs and I try to put his mind at ease.

"Yes, Peeta. I'll go on a date with you. Don't worry about it, I'm really glad you asked." And what I say is the truth. I'm happy to go on a date with Peeta. He's sweet and caring, and I feel really comfortable with him. He grins from ear to ear, and I grin back at him.

"So, you'll allow it?"

"I'll allow it." I say with a wink.

A few minutes later the nurse comes into to tell him that visiting hours are over, and when I look outside I look outside to see the sky is dark.

Peeta's been here all afternoon.

"Okay." He responds to her, a defeated expression on his face. I can tell he wants to stay longer, and if I'm being honest with myself, I want him to stay too.

He stands and looks down at me with adoration, and slowly leans in to give me another hug. I hug him back and rest my head on his shoulder as he whispers in my ear.

"I'll see you soon, Katniss." He pulls back and starts to walk out the door. When he's in the threshold, he turns around to throw me another smile, waving at me. I smile and wave back, and he walks out of sight.

I crawl into bed that night and barely sleep.

My brain will not let me stop thinking about Peeta. And, after everything that has happened, it's really nice to able to focus my mind on something else.

Like wondering where Peeta is going to take me for our date.

I've never been this giddy about a boy, not even when Cato and I first started dating. There's just something about Peeta that makes me trust him unconditionally, and that scares me a little.

It makes me feel like I'm setting myself up for disaster.

But it also makes me excited. Excited to start a new chapter in my life, with someone new.

What have I gotten myself into?

I'm going to be honest, this is the first chapter of this story I haven't been completely satisfied with. I sort of wanted to just flash forward her time in the hospital so I could get on to other matters in the story, but I want to make it very clear that she is still struggling emotionally, despite becoming closer to Peeta. She's better, but still not completely okay. I hope that comes across in a way that makes sense, and if it doesn't I apologize.

Either way, please PM/review, I'm dying to know what you guys are thinking! Especially about this chapter. Stay tuned, more to come... ;)