Chapter 15

The ride back to my house is mostly silent.

After Peeta's confession about his leg, we had walked back to the care quietly, and what had been a fun, light evening had turned awkward and tension-filled. The worst part is that he basically told me he doesn't think I'm fucked up, which is just a bold-faced lie.

He was just saying that to be nice, there's no way he would actually think that.

He pulls up to my house and turns off the ignition. We both sit there, waiting for the other to say something.

He takes a deep breath and says, "I had a really good time with you tonight. I'm sorry I ruined it with such a gruesome story. I would take it back if I could."

I finally look up at him to see hurt and apology written all over his face. His blue eyes are shining, and he looks like someone just told him there is no Santa Clause.

"Oh Peeta, you didn't ruin the night" I say consolingly. "I had a great time too. That was the most fun I've had in a long time." He gives me a small smile, but I can tell he doesn't believe what I say. I just wish I could take that hurt look off his face.

Before I can stop myself, I blurt out, "Do you want to do it again? You know, go on another date?"

I can tell I've taken him by surprise, and after a few seconds he sputters out, "Ar-are you sure? You really don't have to do this Katniss, I'm happy just being your friend. You don't have to overlook the fact th-"

"Overlook the fact that you're an amazing, kind person?" I cut him off before he can say something demeaning about himself. "Or the fact that after everything that's happened, you've still stuck around long enough to become my friend?"

He is silent, a blank expression on his face. I lower my voice a little and in a calmer, soothing tone say, "I really care about you, Peeta. And what happened to you doesn't change who you are, or how I feel about you."

He looks down at his lap and is quiet. He's acting like he's never been told any of this before.

Surely someone has tried to help him move past what happened with his leg, how could they not?

"Are you sure?" he asks in a childlike voice. I can see the unshed tears in his eyes, and it looks like it's taking everything in him to hold them back.

I gently lay my hand on his cheek, and reply softly, "I've never been so sure of anything in my life." And with that I lean in and give him a tight hug, and rest my forehead on his shoulder. It isn't long before I feel him wrap his arms around me, squeezing just as hard.

I can feel the shake in his arms, and with one last squeeze, I pull away and look at his face. The water in his eyes is gone, and all I see are crystal clear pools of blue. I smirk and turn to open the car door.

"I'll call you." I say playfully before I get out make my way up to my house.

When I get to the front door, I turn and wave back to him. I can see him wave at me through the window, and it's not until I'm inside the house that I hear him drive away.

I don't see Peeta for the next few days.

We talk on the phone all the time, asking each other how our day was and just discussing random stuff. I still haven't figured out where I want to take him for our next date, as I told him that it's my turn to ask him out.

Peeta makes me feel so comfortable, not only with him but also with myself. Sure, those negative thoughts are still there, but I've noticed that when I'm talking to him, I just sort of start to forget everything bad in my life and focus on us. He makes me feel like I matter, and although I've always had that feeling from my friends, Peeta makes me feel it in a different way that I can't explain.

I know I shouldn't be getting to attached to him, it's only a matter of time until he wakes up and realizes he doesn't want to be with someone who is as fucked up as me.

Because that is all I will ever be. I will always be the girl who was normal until she tried to commit suicide over a rape she could have prevented.

I've arrived early for my appointment with Cinna today, eager to tell him about these new feelings. He listens attentively when I tell him about dinner, and the walk along the boardwalk, and how funny and sweet Peeta is. I even tell him about what happened to Peeta's leg, and although I feel kind of bad about it, I know Cinna will keep it a secret.

"See, I told you that some good would come out of befriending Peeta. Because of what happened to him, I'm sure he understands some of what you're going through, and it's always good to have someone to lean on. Are you going to see him again?" Cinna asks me.

"Yeah, I told him this time I would be the one planning our date, but I haven't decided where to take him yet…"

I trail off and Cinna says, "Well, I'm sure you'll think of something." He quiets for a moment before giving me a serious look.

"Katniss, I know you trust Peeta, but please promise me you'll be careful. Trust me when I say this: don't rush your relationship. And don't be pressured into doing anything you aren't ready to do. From what you've told me, Peeta seems like he is very respectful and has a good head on his shoulders, but if something makes you uncomfortable, you need to tell him and not let yourself get put into a vulnerable position."

I take in his insinuation and nod my head. I know he's right, but I know Peeta would never do anything to hurt me. He knows what it's like to be hurt, and I know he would never want to inflict any type of pain on anyone else.

"Well, not to bring the mood down, but we should probably talk about the trial coming up at the end of the week."

Fuck.

I've been trying not to think about Cato's trial at all. I just want to push it out of my mind, but every day that passes makes my chest tighten with dread, something even being with Peeta can't fix.

"Yeah, I know." I say, almost a whisper to myself.

"Do you think you'll go?" he asks me.

I close my eyes and think about it. I don't want to go. I really, really don't want to go.

I don't want to hear lawyers talking about what happened that night. I don't want doctors to tell everyone in the room about the state I was in when I brought myself to the hospital. I don't want to look up and see his face, a face that still gives me violent nightmares.

When I don't answer, Cinna continues, "Well as you know you're lawyer Mr. Abernathy has asked me to come testify on your behalf, and of course I will do anything I can to help you. But I want you to think about coming to the trial. It could give you the closure you need to put this part of your life behind you and move on. Just promise me you'll think about it?"

I nod, "Yeah, okay. I'll think about it." He leans over and pats my knee.

"Good. But don't stress yourself out about it. Just focus on school, and having a good time with your friends. And Peeta." He says as he winks.

Friday rolls around and I still haven't made up my mind if I am going to the trial tomorrow or not. Haymitch is pretty positive they won't call me as a witness, but there is still a chance I might have to go up and testify.

In fact I wouldn't be surprised if Cato does make his attorney call me up. He's ruined my life so far; why not make me rehash it in front of a whole courtroom.

I get home from school and fling myself down on the bed, staring up at the ceiling.

I'm lost in thought when I head my phone buzz. I pull it out of my pocket and instantly smile when I see a text from Peeta.

Peeta Mellark: So, is saying you're going to ask me out and then not talking to me your way of letting me down gently, or…..

I chuckle at his text and reply.

Katniss Everdeen: Maybe…..

Katniss Everdeen: No, the truth is I've been trying to think of a place to go. It was only after I insisted I make the plans that I remembered I can't plan for shit haha

Peeta Mellark: haha it's okay. You know, if you really can't think of anything, I have a few ideas up my sleeve… and it could give you time to think of something to do the next time we go out.

I let out a huff at his suggestion, but eventually relent when I decide he is the better plan-maker of the two of us.

Katniss Everdeen: Fine, fine. But wherever we go I'm paying for both of us. I'm not letting you get out of it so easy, Mellark.

Peeta Mellark: Whatever you say, Your Highness :P I'll pick you up at 7.

Katniss Everdeen: Okay :P

By the time it's seven o-clock, it's already gotten dark outside and the temperature has dropped significantly. I'm sitting in the passenger seat of Peeta's truck, trying to get him to spill where we're going.

"Oh come on, just tell me!"

"And ruin the surprise? I don't think so." He replies in a cheeky tone.

I huff in mock frustration, and he looks over at me and smiles. His smile is so captivating; I can't help but smile back.

We drive for about another fifteen minutes, and I am confused when he turns off the highway onto a dirt path leading into the foliage. I don't know where he's going, and I think he sees the confusion on my face.

"Don't worry, I promise I'm not trying to be creepy. This is just the best way to get there."

I smile, but I can feel the anxiety creeping into my chest. I trust Peeta completely, and know he would never hurt me, but driving into the dark isolation, away from the town, is starting to make me nervous. I feel like if something were to happen, I would be stuck in the middle of nowhere.

I'm just about to suggest something else we could do, perhaps a little closer to civilization, when I see a clearing up ahead. We drive through it, and almost instantly all the tension leaves my body.

I see a massive meadow in front of me; it has to be at least ten acres big. Lush trees surround it, and I can tell the grass is thick and healthy. There's a good-size lake on the far side of the clearing, and Peeta is headed straight for it. When we get close to it, he puts the truck in reverse and backs up the bed of it to face the lake.

He parks, and smiles when he sees the happiness on my face. This place really is beautiful, and I wonder why I've never come here before. And how does Peeta know about it?

He hops out of the car, and I do the same and meet him at the back of the truck. He opens the bed, and I notice a picnic basked tucked away in the corner, along with a big, thin blanket and a lantern. He hops up into the truck, grabbing the blanket and laying it neatly over the dirty floor. He grabs the lantern and flicks the switch, turning on the light bulb inside.

The light it gives off is soothing, but bright enough for me to see everything inside the bed of the truck.

"Well, come on!" He laughs, and comes over to me to help me up. I grab his arm and hoist myself into the truck, and we settle down in the middle, the lantern between us.

He grabs the picnic basket and opens it up, and I can smell all the delicious food all the way from over here. He begins pulling things out, and they all look amazing.

There are containers of some sort of creamy-looking pasta, a salad that looks light and crunchy, sodas, water, and something I haven't seen since his family moved away when we were little.

Peeta's brought cheese buns.

I am instantly taken back to when I was a tiny kid, and Prim was just a baby. On the last day of every month, my father would come home from work with two cheese buns from the Mellark Bakery, one for me and one for him. We didn't have much money at the time, so splurges like this were very rare, but I could always count on him to bring me a cheese bun at the end of the month.

I would get so excited, and he would bring them out on the back patio with us, and he and I would sit down on the porch steps and savor them.

My father would make me tell him what the best part of the month was for me, and also what I hoped would happen the next month. Every month I would tell him that that day, sitting on the porch eating cheese buns with him, was my favorite day. He would laugh and kiss my forehead, and I felt like the happiest girl in the world.

Of course, as soon as the Mellark's left Panem, our tradition went away.

My father tried to make new traditions for us to do, but I was getting older, and it was never the same, anyways.

I feel a sudden surge of sadness course through me, and I can feel tears prick the back of my eyes. I am so lost in through, I don't hear Peeta saying calling my name.

"Katniss?"

I look up and see worry all over his face. I smile and choke back the tears.

"Huh? What?"

"Are you alright? You just kinda zoned out for a second."

"Oh yeah, I'm fine." I smile and he looks relieved.

"Cheese bun?" He holds out the container, and I take one. When I bring it to my lips, I am transported ten years into the past. They taste exactly how I remember, maybe even better. The bun is golden on the outside, but soft and gooey with cheese on the inside.

I let out an embarrassing moan as the taste invades all my senses, and I hear Peeta chuckle across from me. "That good, huh?"

"You have no idea." I say. "I haven't had these since you moved. My dad and I used to eat them together."

"Well, now that I'm back, I plan to keep you fully stocked. Cheese buns 24/7."

"I can't argue with that."

He laughs, and we dig into the rest of the meal. It is delicious of course, and really relaxing. It's so quiet out here, except for the sound of crickets and nature. The air feels so fresh, and I am really glad I made Peeta choose what we did tonight. We eat in silence, throwing in the occasional comment here and there. I like being with Peeta, because I don't feel like I have to keep up the conversation. I just enjoy having his presence, and he seems to enjoy mine.

When we finish dinner, he pulls out dessert, which consists of delicious, soft sugar cookies with intricately piped frosting on top, not doubt done by Peeta. I sink my teeth into one and revel in its sweet taste. I look up to see Peeta staring at me, and I feel self-conscious until I recognize the look on his face. I've seen it before, but not this obvious.

Peeta's looking at me with what I've come to understand is adoration.

His eyes are sparkling and a soft, tender smile plays across his lips. I don't understand why he would ever adore me; I'm nothing but an ugly fuck-up. I don't think I will ever understand Peeta, and whatever our friendship is turning into can't be good.

He deserves someone better than me; someone who will treat him as kindly and caring as he treats them. And I'm just not that girl.

"What?" I say after I catch him staring.

"Nothing." He says softly, still smiling.

I brush it off and say, "Thanks for dinner, it was delicious."

"No problem, thanks for coming with me."

"Of course. It's beautiful out here." He nods and is quiet again.

"So, why did you bring me all the way out here, in the middle of nowhere?"

He chuckles and replies, "Because it's really peaceful. And it's the perfect place to see the fireworks."

"Fireworks?" I ask, confused. "What fireworks?"

He smiles and tilts his ear up to sky, pretending to listen to something carefully. I'm confused as to what he's talking about when all of the sudden there is a bright flash of light in the sky, and a loud boom as a firework goes off overhead. It's in the distance, but I can see it perfectly over the tops of the trees in the clearing.

"Those fireworks." He says.

Another one goes off, and it's only then that I remember tonight was the start of football season at school, and every year at the first home game, they shoot off fireworks.

I look back to Peeta, and he's giving me a brilliant smile, the color of the fireworks reflecting off his blue eyes as he looks up to watch them.

I suddenly feel the urge to cry, and I don't know why.

Maybe it's because I'm really nervous about the trial tomorrow. Maybe it's because Peeta is so thoughtful and sweet. Maybe it's because his cheese buns remind me of what I lost with my dad. Maybe it's because he brought me all the way out here for a night of beautiful fireworks. Maybe it's because he takes such pleasure in little things, like cooking and seeing bright lights pop in the sky.

Maybe it's because I really like him, and I can't think of a way to convince him he deserves so much better than me.

Maybe it's because when I think about this, it makes me not want to let him go.

Maybe it's because I think I'm starting to fall for him, and it's scaring me more than anything that's happened in the past six months.

He looks away from the sky and back to my face, seeing the tears on my face I wasn't even aware of until now. His smile is replaced with a look of concern, and he stands up and makes his way over to me. He sits down and slowly pulls me into his arms, leaning against the back of the truck.

"Shhhhh, shhh. Katniss, it's okay. Shhh, I'm sorry."

I grab onto his sleeves and tuck my face into the collar of his shirt. The fireworks are still going off overhead, and their beauty just reminds me of what I'll never be.

I'll never be beautiful or amazing. I'll never be full of life or colorful.

I'll just always be me, a broken, disgusting person who no one will ever love again.

Not Peeta, not my friends, not my parents. I'll be alone the rest of my life and I know it's what I deserve, but the thought still scares me.

Peeta pulls me closer and gently starts to rock me in his arms.

"It's okay, Katniss. Let it out. You're okay. You're safe."

I continue to cry while he holds me, and even though my mind is plagued with malicious thoughts, it's so incredibly nice to be held and comforted. I didn't know I was missing this kind of comfort until Peeta came back into my life.

I don't know how long we sit there, but eventually I pull away after the fireworks have ended and look at Peeta. He has a soft frown on his face, and his eyes carry a certain sadness. He cups my face in his large hands, and wipes the tears away with the pads of his thumbs.

I look into his eyes and at his handsome face, taking it all in. I wouldn't want to be anywhere else in the world, rather than right here with him, in the bed of his truck.

In a soft voice through my tears, I whisper, "Thank you, Peeta. Thank you for coming back. Thank you for being my friend."

His frown fades and he looks down and gives me a sad, mournful smile. He whispers back, "No need to thank me. I should be the one thanking you. I've wanted to be you friend for so long, Katniss. Thank you for giving me the chance."

Our faces are inches away, and I can feel his hot breathe on my face. I look into his bright blue eyes, and am positive I see my reflection in them. I don't know why, but he obviously sees me differently than I see myself. I know I should question it, but in this moment I can't bring myself to care, because being with him has made me happier than I can ever remember being.

He's still cradling my head as he looks down at me, and before I even know what I'm doing, I can feel our faces getting closer and closer. I touch my lips against his as light as I dare, and I can hear his sharp intake of breathe as I do. My whole body is tingling and it feels like a jolt when our lips meet.

I press my lips against his a little harder, and as I lay my hand on his chest, I can feel his heart beating erratically against it. The action makes me smile, and I move my face even closer to his, completely sealing our mouths together.

After a few seconds, I slowly begin to open my mouth, and I feel Peeta reciprocate the action. We do it a few more times before I feel his tongue lightly caress my lower lip.

His action brings back memories of kissing Cato like this, and for a moment I tense up in panic. But then I remember this is Peeta.

Peeta, who would never hurt me. Who has only done good in the time I've known him. Who has a heart the size of a mountain. I wonder briefly if I will ever be able to kiss, or do anything else, with anyone ever again without my mind wandering back to Cato, but right now I push it out and focus on where I am.

With Peeta.

He traces my tongue again, and this time I slowly touch my tongue to his. He tastes like sugar and cinnamon, and I'm beginning to think the stuff is in his DNA. He opens his mouth a little wider, and kisses me a little more forcefully this time. I kiss him back with just as much vigor, and completely lose myself in the sensation.

This is the most tender, caring kiss I've ever had, and I want to burn it into my memory.

We keep this pace for a few minutes before I reluctantly pull back and look at him. He looks worried, like he's done something wrong, so to ease his tension I give him my sweetest smile.

I place my hand on the side of his face and kiss his cheek softly, before leaning my head against his chest and wrapping my arms around his torso. The thumping of his heart under my ear sends shivers down my body, and I think it's my favorite sound.

He wraps his arms around me and gently kisses the top of my head before resting his head against mine. We don't say anything as we sit there, listening to the chirps of the crickets and the gentle slosh of the water.

I feel my eyes drooping shut, and decide to close them, just for a minute.

I must have fallen asleep for a while, because when I wake up, it's pitch black outside and our lantern has almost burned out.

I also notice I finally had a period of sleep, however long it was, where I didn't have any nightmares.

I life my head and can faintly make out Peeta's face. His head is tilted back, and he's looking up at the stars in the sky, a peaceful look on his face.

He sees me staring and looks down at me, cupping my cheek.

"You about ready to go back?" He whispers.

"Yeah, I should probably get home. Unfortunately." I say back sadly.

He kisses my nose lightly before standing up and jumping out of the truck, down to the ground. He turns around and helps me down, and I head to the passenger seat while he secures everything in the trunk so it won't fly away.

Not long after, we are heading out of the meadow and back towards my house. Peeta leans over and takes my hand in one of his, squeezing it gently. I squeeze back and smile at him, wishing we could have stayed out here all night.

The car ride is too short as he pulls up to my house, killing the engine. We sit there, looking at each other, waiting for the other person to say something.

When I can tell he's just content looking at me, I smile and say, "Thank you. I had an amazing time tonight."

"So did I. We'll have to do it again sometime."

"Yeah, but I'm picking what we do." This makes him laughs as he nods, knowing he's going to be the one coming up with the plans.

"Well, bye." I say softly as I make a move to open the door.

"Katniss, wait." I turn back around to look at him, and I see his face has taken on a much sadder tone.

"Uhm, I just wanted to let you know I'm always here for you. If you ever need me to come over, or just want to talk, you can always call me, no matter what time of day."

I nod, and it looks like he has more to say.

Taking a deep breath, he continues, "I know the trial is tomorrow, and I would understand if you don't want to see me again after that. I know you've been through hell, and the last thing I want to do is make you feel pressured to do something you don't want to do or aren't ready for. I meant it when I said I'm more than happy just being your friend."

"Oh, Peeta…" I begin. I don't know what to say. How can he think after tonight I still don't want to be with him? I know getting into a relationship so soon after what happened is dangerous, but I trust Peeta with my life, and that risk is worth it to me.

"You're not pressuring me. You're the kindest person I know, and I have never felt anything but ease when you're around. And tomorrow isn't going to change anything. After tomorrow, I'm starting a new chapter in my life, and I want you in it more than anything."

He smiles lovingly at me, and as reassurance I lean in to kiss him again. His lips are so smooth, and I have to force myself to pull back after a few moments. While the kiss is more than nice, I lean in and wrap my arms around him in a bear hug. He must understand, because he does the same thing as I feel his strong arms enclose around me.

I have never felt safer than I feel in Peeta's arms, and I hope that is a luxury that never goes away.

I finally let him go, and look at him one last time before I open the door and exit the car. I go up the walkway to my house and turn back one last time to wave. I enter the house and close the door, hearing his truck pull away.

I make my way down the hall to my room, passing my parents open door on the way.

I see my dad is asleep, and my mom is next to him reading a book with her dim tableside lamp.

"Hey, how'd it go?" she whispers.

I smile as I say, "It was great. We had a lot of fun."

I can see relief mixed with joy flash across her face, and she replies, "Good, I'm glad. Have you decided what you want to do about tomorrow?"

My mood instantly falters as I think about what awaits the new day. I think it over for a minute before answering. "Yeah, I think I want to go."

She gives me an understanding nod, before saying, "Okay, then we'll go. But if we're going, you should get to bed soon because we have to get up early."

"Okay." I make a move to leave, but think better of it and walk quietly into the room, and give her a good night hug. She kisses me on the side of the head, and I walk back out and down the hall to my room.

I shut my door and put on a baggy t-shirt and sweatpants, and crawl into bed. The weight of the comforter gives me the same feeling of being wrapped in Peeta's arms, warm and safe.

I shut my eyes and am out before I can even register how tired I am.

"Oh yeah baby, I know you want it. Just enjoy it, it'll feel good. Just remember I love you…"

I jolt up wish a strangled cry, sitting upright and thrashing in my bed. I can feel my shirt sticking to my back from sweat, and my eyes frantically search the room for danger. I recognize where I am, and take a deep breath to calm myself down.

It was just a dream, it was just a dream I chant to myself.

Once I can breathe again, I lie back down and stare up at the ceiling. The fact that my mind replays what Cato did to me that night when I sleep makes sleep very unappealing, and of course after having a nice night with Peeta, I would have one of the worst nightmares since the attack.

Peeta.

I look over at my phone on the nightstand and see that its 3:45 in the morning. I know I shouldn't, but right now I desperately want to hear the sound of his voice.

I pick up my phone and dial Peeta's number, and put it to my ear as it rings. The ringing is hypnotic and I'm falling asleep again when I hear him pick up in a raspy voice.

"Hello? Katniss?" He says, and I smile when I think about how cute he sounds when he wakes up from sleep.

"Hey."

"What's the matter? Are you okay?" He asks, somewhat panicked.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I just wanted to hear your voice."

I wait for him to make fun of me for this, but am surprised when he doesn't.

"Oh. Well, it's nice to hear yours too. Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah, I'm sure. I just had a nightmare, that's all."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I wish there was something I could do to help. Do you want me to come over there?"

"No, you don't have to. I know you're tired, and my family is asleep." I reply.

"Okay. Do you want me to stay on the phone with you until you fall asleep?" He offers.

"Yeah, I think I'd like that." I say softly.

"Okay." I can hear the smile in his voice, and I put my head down on the pillow and wedge my phone under my ear.

I whisper "Goodnight Peeta."

"Goodnight Katniss." I hear him whisper back. I close my eyes, and let the sound of his breathing lull me back to sleep.

When I wake up, sunlight is streaming through my window, and when I look at the clock next to my bed I see it's almost 7:30 in the morning. I figure I may as well get up now, and I'm sitting up when I feel something cold and hard under my cheek. I see my phone and remember the events of last night. I pick it up and hit the home button, and am surprised to see the call time is at two hours and forty-five minutes, and still running.

I put the phone to my ear and say, "Hello? Peeta?"

The only response I hear is the sound of his light snoring on the other end of the line. He must have fallen asleep shortly after me last night and forgot to hang up.

I sit there for a minute and listen to it, wishing he were here with me right now. I eventually press the end button on my phone, terminating the call. I pull up my text box and shoot him a quick message.

Katniss Everdeen: Thanks for staying up with me; you didn't have to do that. It means a lot. See you soon.

I set my phone down and head to the bathroom to relieve myself. When I get back, I'm greeted with a new message.

Peeta Mellark: Katniss, if this is ever going to work you have to stop thanking me for things I am more than happy to do. You text or call me any time you want, I'll always be there for you. Be strong today, I'll see you soon.

Hello all! I want to apologize profusely for the lateness of this chapter. *hangs head in shame* I was being lazy about it and put off writing it for a long time, but now that it's done I feel really relieved. Again, I am VERY sorry about the delay and I will try to make the next update much sooner. Hope everyone is having a great week!

PLEASE REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW! I will love you forever if you leave something for me! 3