It's not time yet.
Kim tried to tell herself that it couldn't be morning even as she tried to ignore the incessant beeping of the alarm. She kept her eyes closed, hoping if she did, she would not have to face what the morning would bring.
Her effort was futile. As she lay, curled on her side, eyes closed, and trying to pretend the light was not beginning to stream through the curtains of the bedroom, she felt the same mix of fear, pain, and resignation that had filled her the day before. It was as if reality suddenly returned, destroying the short-lived fantasy that she and Shane had created to escape the real world for their last night together.
The night had been glorious. They had made love in front of the fire downstairs before retreating to the bedroom where they had let their passion and love control them. Over and over, Shane had taken her to the heights of pleasure and sent her soaring beyond even those heights. It was if that passion was a way of fighting off the fear and pain that they both felt, but needed to keep at bay for one, last desperate night. Neither of them had wanted it to end for that would mean facing reality once more. So they had made love, then Shane had held her as they curled together and fantasized about some happy future, and then they made love again. Finally, not long before the alarm sounded, when they had both been totally spent, Kim had fallen asleep, her head resting against Shane's chest. The sound of his beating heart drummed rhythmically and lulled her into an exhausted slumber.
The alarm continued to beep, so Kim gave up trying to ignore it. Groaning, she opened her eyes and reached over to turn it off. That was when she realized that she was alone in the bed.
She scanned the room, but there was no sign of Shane. There were no sounds coming from the bathroom either and, as she raised her head, she saw that the bathroom door was open and the light was off.
With a sigh, Kim forced herself to get out of bed. She figured Shane was downstairs, probably trying to make some last-minute financial plans or other arrangements for her and the children. On the one hand, she loved that he was so protective of them, but, on the other, she hated that he could not accept that she would be able to handle things in his absence.
Pulling a robe on, she exited the bedroom and started for the stairs, but stopped when she heard sounds coming from the nursery. She moved closer to the door and was about to go inside when she heard Shane's voice. He was speaking in a halting manner, almost choking on his words.
"- you'll understand. When I get out. . . when I come home, I'll make it up to you, sweetheart, I promise."
Kim's chest tightened as she heard the pain in Shane's voice.
"I wish. . . ." There was a long pause. "Just know that Daddy loves you, and he didn't want to leave you . . . I'd do anything for it to be different, and I promise that I'll never leave you again. . . . Can you remember that, Jeannie? Can you. . . ." His voice broke and Kim could tell Shane was weeping as he choked out, "Can you remember that I love you and that I'll be back and I'll never ever leave you again?"
Tears were streaming down Kim's face as she cautiously poked her head around the edge of the door. She felt like she was intruding on something private and knew Shane would be embarrassed that anyone - even Kim - had seen him so emotionally open.
Shane had his back to the door. To Kim's surprise, he was standing with Jeannie in his arms and rocking back and forth. There was not a lot of light in the room, just what was seeping through the curtains, but it looked to Kim like Jeannie's head was resting against his shoulder. Kim could not tell if the little girl was asleep.
"That's right, Jeannie," Shane whispered just before he kissed the little girl on the top of her head. "Remember that Daddy loves you." He continued to rock her and murmur soft words that Kim could no longer hear.
Kim stepped back so that, if Shane turned, he would not see her eavesdropping. She backed down the hallway, called out his name, and waited for a response.
It took a moment - Kim pictured Shane hastily trying to compose himself - before he called out that he was in the nursery. She walked slowly down the hall to give him a little more time before she entered and feigned surprise at the sight of Shane holding Jeannie in his arms. He looked at her a little guiltily.
"I won't tell Marcus," she said lightly, referring to the restrictions the doctor still imposed on Shane lifting anything.
Shane sighed. "I figured this one time wouldn't do any real harm." He looked down at Jeannie. "I was sitting in bed and it hit me that I've never actually carried her since we found out. . . since I've known she's my little girl."
"She'll still be a little girl in two years," Kim assured him, but Shane shook his head.
"It won't be the same. She'll be three," he countered. Then, in a much lower voice, he added, "She won't even know me."
Kim walked forward until she was beside him. Now close, she could see that Jeannie was awake and had just been nestling calmly in her father's arms. Smiling softly, Kim reached out and stroked their daughter's hair. Jeannie raised her head and broke into a big wide-eyed grin at the sight of her mother. She squirmed sidelong and reached her arms out to Kim. With obvious reluctance, Shane let Kim take their daughter from him.
"Jeannie will know you, Shane," Kim said. "Every day you are gone, I'll remind her that you love her and that we'll all be together when you come home." As Jeannie stopped fussing and settled her head against Kim's shoulder, Kim forced herself to smile. "And like you said, she'll be three when you come home. When she's older, she'll barely have any memories of a time before her daddy was around, so you'll have plenty of time to be part of her life and show her how much you love her."
Kim wanted her words to give Shane the reassurance he needed and she was glad to see him nod. He turned away, put his hands on the rail of Jeannie's crib, and took a deep breath.
"I guess the alarm must have woken you?" he asked as he looked back around at her. When Kim nodded, he gave a half-hearted smile. "Shakespeare would have you arguing that we only heard a nightingale, not a lark, but I guess he never considered alarm clocks."
"We'll have plenty of nights and mornings together." Still holding Jeannie against her, Kim reached out with her hand and brushed his cheek. "The rest of our lives, Shane. You need to remember that. . . . As hard as this is for all of us, we're going to come out of it together and our love will be even stronger." She watched as Shane closed his eyes and leaned into her touch. "I don't want you to worry about us, even though I know it's pretty pointless to ask you not to. You wouldn't be the man I love if you didn't, but we'll be fine."
She started to pull her hand back, but Shane opened his eyes and took her hand in his. He seemed to study her hand for a moment before he spoke. "I know and I don't want you to think I doubt you. You are the strongest woman I've ever known, and I know the children are in good hands." He let go of her hand and added, "Maybe it's just easier to think about what needs to be done than dwelling on leaving you and the children."
Kim chose not to mention what she had witnessed between Shane and Jeannie earlier and how she knew that he was dwelling on leaving them. Instead, she tried to give him something to hold onto.
"When you think about me and the children, I don't want you to think about what might be wrong," she said. "I want you to think about taking the children riding across the grounds of Donovan Manor. Think about Eve's wedding, and the grand reception we'll host in the ballroom. That's why you're doing this - so you can see your children grow up and be part of their lives."
Shane nodded a little.
"And I want you to remember last night," Kim continued, carefully choosing her words because Jeannie was still in her arms. "When you feel alone, I want you to think about how it felt to be together, just us, and how we will be together again. I know when I was in jail, that was enough to get me through the worst of times. Can you do that, Shane?"
There was a long pause. "I can," he finally said and looked at her, his eyes shining with love and something else - appreciation, perhaps. Or admiration, she realized, as he said, "You really are an amazing person, Kimberly. How did I get so lucky to have you in my life?"
Kim leaned over and kissed his cheek. "I think we have a mutual admiration society going." When she pulled away, she said what she knew neither of them wanted to say. "You probably should get ready. It's almost time."
Shane chuckled slightly. "I guess I should figure out the proper attire for going to jail. Any thoughts?"
"I'm sure you'll do just fine," Kim said. "Why don't you go on and I'll get Jeannie dressed."
Shane gave Kim and then the little girl each a kiss before he left the room. Once he was gone, Kim closed her eyes and forced herself not to cry. She did not want Shane to hear. He needed her to be strong today. There would be time enough for tears during the next two years.
Taking a deep breath, Kim looked down at Jeannie, who was staring back up at her with her big green eyes. "Come on, sweetie," Kim said, nearly choking on each word. "Let's get you ready so you can say goodbye to Daddy."