"OK, what the FUCK just happened."
Harry last remembered reaching Privet Drive at the start of summer.
So there were wards.
THEN HOW THE HELL DID HE END UP ON VOLDERMORT'S BACK GIGGLING AND GOING "GIDDY UP HORSEY?!"
He could see the headlines: Boy Who Lived Vanquishes the Dark Lord by Breaking Dark Lord's Spine When Playing Together.
Wait. He was on Voldemort. (Not in any way that you could be thinking of)
Then he screamed. And memories came flooding back.
"Fuck me sideways against a polar bear." No wait. Tutus. "AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGHHH!"
"Fuck my life! What is going on? I bet it's your fault, you shitty Dark Lord, couldn't kill me when I was a baby so cursed me to insanity. Well screw you." Harry's shrieks were bordering on hysteria, and he promptly fell off Voldemort.
"You snake nosed bastard! I could've had a normal life, drinking butterbeer, having parents, and NOT having to be friends with a red-head! Do you know how emotional they are?! Freakin' bipolar, I tell you." Harry had gone from tugging on the Dark Lord's robes to poking his chest with a finger.
Red eyes widened. 'Shit, did I just discover another side of his personality? First polar bears, now this. I wanna retire.'
Meanwhile, the rest of the wizarding world felt more tense than ever. What devious plan did He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named-Unless-By-Dumbledore-Or-The-Boy-Who-Lived-And-Prehaps-The-Minister have prepared?