Since I still have some free time these days and I want to post as much as I can before the second semester has started, here's another chapter. This one might leave you a bit on...edge. I hope you enjoy it. Thank you again for the kind reviews, they keep me going.
Let me know what you think of this one. ((:
Stefan's POV
In the next two weeks I understood two things about Peter Fell-one was that he often got very very drunk, collapsed at certain unknown to the mankind places and if he was sane enough he called me to find him and get him home. Four times he was so bad that it scared me. I was trying to help him, talk to him in those moments but he either blabbed non senses or he was brutally realistic-both of which made me feel desperate. When we first met I had no idea he had such a problem. I didn't know why he was doing that. I was afraid to say out loud the reasons I believed he was doing it for-that he wanted to forget about the fact that his mother didn't give a damn about him anymore or that his father was barely home-and when he was they fought and he managed to get himself in an even worse condition.
When I was going out with him in the weekends I prevented him from getting wasted. Moreover I pushed him to do other stuff. We would go out to this basketball court in my neighborhood where nobody knew him and I would help him get his game straight. I wanted to find him a purpose in life so I was desperately trying to make him participate in the try outs for the high school basketball team, which, as it turned out, was more than tragic in the last few years. He was very stubborn when it came to this matter because, just like me, he hated attention. He wasn't craving for prizes or recognition from full of hormones teenagers who believed they own the world. He resented them.
The second thing I learned about Peter Fell those two weeks was that he never appreciated his own efforts. He would do good, he would score or run faster, he would succeed in understanding a certain new tactic I've told him but he would never let himself be happy about it even when I was encouraging him to admit that he has made it.
He hated that- it was something inside him that always prevented him from fully enjoying anything he has worked his ass for. When he made a good score he never smiled, he just turned around and ran to catch the ball. He didn't like when someone was trying to control him either, that's why we often yelled at each other until I finally made him see that he's doing it wrong. That's another reason why he didn't want to join the team.
"I don't want some shithole of a coach to tell me how I should put the ball in the fucking basket " Oh yeah..another thing-he cursed a lot too.
"But you let me tell you how to do stuff, I can't see what's the problem with the coach?"
"You are you. The coach is..another thing."
"Wow, Peter I just love your logic sometimes." I would say and he would threw the ball at me trying to give it back but I knew he was just joking around. I simply sighed, happy that he's not drunk
He was stubborn beyond borders but so was I and that's the real reason why he listened to me and why he called me when he had no idea what was going on around him- he knew I wouldn't leave him, because I understood his stubbornness and even if I judged it almost all the time I knew the real reason for all his actions. I never showed him sympathy or mercy when I found him like this- I would either calmly take care and take him home or I would scold him that he should stop running his life like that- either way, he wouldn't stop drinking and I wouldn't stop coming to find him.
Because of all that combined with work, watching James and getting my butt to school I was already failing three classes, which was actually very optimistic considering Peter was failing almost everything. I haven't given in a single assignment even the one we had to write for the history class. I couldn't decide whether the problem was that I didn't have time or that I didn't want to find time. Besides the conversation Damon and me had a while ago I still couldn't help but fail to find the meaning of all this. It wasn't that I didn't want to make my brother proud. It was just something in me that pushed me back every time I was trying to find a reason why I should do a certain homework. I knew this week we had a parent's meeting but the good thing was that Damon was about to be send to Atlanta along with some other workers from the factory for six days, which meant he wouldn't be able to attend it, and I was more than relieved about that fact.
He was about to head there tonight and I was really trying to walk faster so I can get on the bus and catch him before he goes but the truth is my knee was giving me a hard time lately. Once I came back to the factory from the Gilbert porch fix Daniel was treating me beyond worse. I had to unload the trucks with the materials and it was hell for me. It took me enormous amount of self concentration and stubbornness to keep going even when all I wanted to do was sit in one single place and not move at all. The evenings were worse though- I often woke up from the pain and stayed like that for at least two hours.
Thank God Damon was too buried in his own work that he didn't notice something was wrong. Him and Bonnie managed to spend some times together this weekend because I kicked them out of the house and promised them I'll take care of James. Honestly- I did it more for myself and the kid than for them. There were always certain moments in the month when they would both go crazy that there isn't enough time for them to spend together. In those unfortunate days Bonnie would be extremely anxious and my brother would curse everything he sees in front of him which resulted in me and James getting scolded more than usually. They couldn't stay apart for long- for everything to work well at home, they needed to spend time together. Otherwise I might as well set fire to the house myself. I often admired their love because it was both passionate and beyond destructive. I never envied them though- because Anna and me- we once had something like that.
When I finally got home Bonnie opened the door with a sad expression on her face.
"I missed him?"
"You did." she let a small sight out "I'm sorry, Stefan." But I was the one to feel sorry, because I wanted to tell him bye and just show him that he can trust me to be the man in the house until he comes back. I was greatly disappointed in myself once again and when Bonnie tried to make me come to the kitchen and eat I declined her offer by saying I was tired. Which was the truth- I wanted to simply lie down and rest some.
When I finally hit the bed I couldn't sleep right away. I don't know how but my thoughts let me to Elena Gilbert. I never expected her to come to me after I gave her the address. Ok, maybe I had some hopes, but I still couldn't deny the fact that there was this feeling of failure inside me not only when it came to her but to Peter and my brother too.
I couldn't really help neither of them.
She has left the cheerleading squad and she has been skipping more classes than me and Peter combined- and that was saying a lot. There were some rumors her and Tyler broke up but even if they were true or not that still couldn't prevent this jerk from making up with random girls in the boy's toilet. I actually felt like I've done more bad than good. I've felt like I've mislead her.
I tossed and turned for half an hour but I finally got up and went to the kitchen where Bonnie was putting James to bed. We talked a little until the doorbell interrupted my thoughts and she went to open because she was waiting for Emma to come by. When she came back alone however and with a surprised but somehow a bit satisfied look on her face I gave her a confused look.
"There's a girl outside looking for you."
"What?" Elena. That was my first thought. And I wasn't wrong. I approached the door slowly limping. She has denied coming inside and she was definitely avoiding my look. She seemed..shy. Something I never thought I'll see Elena Gilbert feeling.
"Hey." I started trying to sound cheerful.
"Hey. I'm sorry for coming." she mumbled as silently as she could. Elena was dressed in old skinny jeans and a big grey sweater under which I could see a red t-shirt. Her long beautiful brown hair wasn't in the usual high pony tail but was streaming down her skinny shoulders. There was no make- up on her face and that made her eyes seem sincerely sad.
"I am not." I answered "Come on. Let's go for a walk." She nodded and waited while I put my trainers on.
I took her to the basketball court me and Peter have been going to this past few weeks. There were no people during that time of the evening. We sat on the wooden benches beside and for a moment stood in silence. I decided that it was just going to be like before when we used to sit on the porch stairs but she decided to disturb the silence.
"I'm confused." she let it out as a statement. I could feel how much she had thought before saying the words out loud because when she finally did they left there hanging for a moment, waiting for me to respond properly.
"You don't know what to do anymore." I also let out a statement and not a question. I knew better than to ask her how she is or why she's feeling like that.
"No, I don't."
"Ok" I leaned back on the bench prepared to hear her out "So what bothers you then? Say it out loud."
"I.." she stuttered
"Look, Elena. I don't really know you but if you want me to somehow help you have to start talking about it. Otherwise we can keep staying in silence and smoking our cigarettes all night long and I wouldn't mind, but I don't see how that's doing you any good."
She let a deep sight out and even though it was so dark and the only light was the one coming from the street lamp I managed to catch the fact that she closed her eyes. She was thinking.
"I miss them" she finally let out "I miss them every day, every minute and I can't stop thinking about them. I don't think I know how to do things anymore. How to get up, go to school, how to keep on-"
"Living" I finished the sentence for her and noticed that she has put her hand on the edge of the bench, holding the piece of wood with all her strength as if her life depended on it "Here's a truth I've learned in my life. And no I'm not going give you some sob story or try to rub in my life experience" I added because I felt her tense "You'll never stop missing them, Elena. You'll carry this weight with you every day for the rest of your life. And I know that it's depressing, hell I know it seems like it's setting you some borders you'll never be able to cross but it's not like that. For you to learn how to keep on going you need to figure a way to balance that weight inside you. You need to find other things that make that weight lift up every once in a while or otherwise it will eat you up inside."
"What do you suggest?"
"Write it out." I simply said. "Take a notebook or whatever and just write it all out. Everything that crosses your mind. It doesn't have to be necessarily about your parents. Then-don't reread it. Just leave it like that, close it, hide it somewhere if you're so afraid someone might find it out. If you decide you'll write again the next day-skip a page and continue on the next one." she kept staring at some point in front her but after a few minutes she nodded.
We stayed there for maybe ten more minutes and she decided that it was time to go. As I stood up I felt the sharp pain in my knee again and for a moment lost my balance so I grabbed the back of the bench with my face clenching. She noticed it and asked if I was ok with a confused and maybe a little concerned look.
I nodded and she patiently waited for my pain to pass away. Once it did we took off slowly to the place where she has parked her car.
"Are you sure you"
"I'm fine." I interrupted her a bit abruptly but then tried to give her a reassuring smile. She opened the door and I waited for her to get in but instead she turned around. I saw her struggling with words until I finally understood what she was trying to say.
"It's ok, Elena. You are welcome."
Elena's POV
I have no idea how I ended up at the Salvatore house. I just couldn't keep on going like that. I felt trapped and helpless. Like there was no air in the room- I felt myself suffocating.
I'm not exactly sure what was happening between me and that boy. Why did I felt safe around him? I barely knew him. In school I acted as if I don't know him, but I often caught myself staring at him and Peter Fell while they smoked in the backyard.
I felt he had this deep sadness in him-maybe that's what drew me in the first place. He was in this place beyond despair and he carried something so big inside him that I wondered what did happen to him? Was it worse than what happened to me?
I was afraid to ask him. Moreover-I wasn't sure he wanted to discuss it in the first place.
When I got to this house I realized how different his life must be from mine. There were tossed shoes with holes on them in front of the door and I could hear a baby's cry from the inside. Once he finally appeared he was dressed in a simple white shabby t-shirt and faded jeans which were too big for him. He seemed tired but he smiled, trying to make me feel comfortable when in reality I was beyond confused. Once we finally walked away from the house however and he took me to something which looked like a basketball court I felt the tension in my shoulders lift up. I felt safe.
I really didn't know how to put my words to express what was going on inside me. In the beginning he probably thought we were going to stay silent. Somehow I got the impression that he thinks I hate him or that he drew me away somehow and that is why I didn't talk. But it wasn't that…I was just too screwed up for my own good.
When I finally tried to say what was going on in my head he helped me express myself. We talked a little and even if I wasn't willing to admit it he gave me something I haven't had in months-hope. Hope, that maybe things will get better.
I caught him staring at the sky and the first stars that have appeared and was about to ask him if he finds it beautiful but then I realized it will probably sound cheesy or cliché and I didn't want our…relationship to be like this. Up until now whenever I was in his company it felt real. But not this reality that shook my whole body, made me tremble and deprived me from my sleep. No, it was like..reality in another, safer world, where I never felt the fear of losing someone.
Was I attracted to him? Yes, I didn't want to admit it to myself but he looked good. He seemed to has lost some weight from the first time I met him in school but his hands were still so big and strong that even watching at them made you feel safer. In the moments before I fell asleep I wondered what it would feel like to be hugged by him but I never let the thought of that sink in. I couldn't be with someone right now. I was too broken and he didn't seem to be doing perfect either no matter how tough he was trying to play in front of me. I liked that though-he wasn't trying to hide from me. He had his problems and if you look at him carefully you can see him carrying it around with himself everywhere he went.
I didn't feel like talking anymore. He gave me something to think about, a way in which I could express whatever was going on inside me. I don't know why I should do what he suggested but I felt that it was a good advice and it might help me.
I was the one to stood up first this time but he didn't throw me a surprised or disappointed look. He smiled and stood up after me but for a moment I saw him losing his balance. The thought that he must be in a lot of pain all the time he was walking hit me right now for the first time and I even felt a little guilty for making him get out tonight. He must've been working all day long and instead of taking a break I probably dragged him out of his bed.
My pride however didn't allow me to apologize and I only asked if he feels ok to which he somehow abruptly answer that everything was fine. When we got to my car and we said our goodbyes I waited until I saw him getting inside. He wasn't aware that I was watching his slow and bended walk from the car.
Stefan's POV
I have finally fallen asleep in a little after midnight. First the pain made me turn left and right for a few hours and then I heard James waking up in Bonnie' s room, crying out so loud that I was about to get up and check what was wrong just when he finally seemed to have calmed down. Daniel was beyond harsh on me today by making me unload three trucks and my whole body hurt, not to mention the fact that the medications didn't seem to be helping me at all. I was beyond irritated by people who thought they own this world so when my phone started buzzing I let a deep annoyed sigh out and looked up only to see Peter's name on the screen. Damn…he was probably drunk again.
"Peter" I suddenly forgot my irritation. It was replaced with worry.
"Stefaaaaan, my own personal coach." his voice was had this happy tinge when he was drunk
"Where are you, Peter. I'll come get you." he didn't need to tell me something's wrong. I could figure it only by the sound of his voice.
"I am…" he seemed confused by my question and then when he couldn't comprehend a reasonable answer he decided it was easier to change the subject "Hey Stefan you know what? My father told me I am complete and total loser tonight."
"Peter." I sighed. I swear I could see him trying hard to prevent the tears from streaming down his face. He was about to break down "Please just tell me where you are."
"No, no, you don't understand, pal." he laughed out but I felt the sadness in his voice "I am a looooser."
"You are not a loser, Peter. Do you hear me?"
"No, but I am. My father told me so. And we shall always listen to our parents, isn't that right, Stefan?"
"Your father is an asshole with his pride up in the sky and I've told you numerous times not to pay attention to his words." it was really hard to convince him into something when he was sober, let alone when he was drunk. "Now will you finally tell me where you are?"
"Why do you care so much? Haven't you understood that by now, Stefan. No one in this fucking life gives a damn about us. "
"That's not true. I give a damn about you, Peter. "
"No…" I imagined him shaking his head
"Listen to me, you asshole." I was beginning to get angry and in the same time I was trying to suppress the suffocating sadness climbing up my throat. "You are my friend. Do you listen to me, Peter?" for a moment he stayed silent. Maybe he was starting to sober up or maybe not, but he was listening me. He was trying to let my words sink in. "You are my friend." I repeated.
"Yeah?" he asked unbelievably.
"Yeah." I sighed relieved " Now tell me where you are and I'll come."
With Peter it was hard not to break down when you see him drunk. It was as if he was wounded somewhere when in reality he wasn't. His hair was beyond messy because he had this habit of drawing his fingers through it. He usually got pale but he didn't puke that much which was a relieve for me. I silently thanked God that he wasn't heavy either because with me limping it made everything harder. Since I couldn't really drive a car because my leg was screwed up I had to walk as fast as I could, get a cab from the edge of our neighborhood, drive downtown to get him-which took some time and then take him home. Which as someone might guess cost a lot of my cigarette money. But I didn't really care about that. I admit I felt very worried until I finally found him and see that he's ok. I was afraid that one night I might be late and something will happen to him.
He was usually either very calm when he was drunk or he was talking a lot, being brutally honest by the mistakes he has made in his life. I swear that by now I knew which size were Caroline Forbes's dresses from his constant drunk blabbing about her. The situation was beyond comic, but also sad at the same time.
He was very stubborn tonight and didn't want me to get him home. He said he doesn't want to see his father because they'll just get into another fight and I actually agreed with him so I decided to bring him home. Bonnie would probably kill me in the morning but I couldn't leave him, not like that.
So I told him to shut his mouth up once we got inside and led him to my room. He practically tossed himself on my bed and I went to sleep on the couch we had in the kitchen. This time I didn't need to think of something so I could doze off. The sad reality was the best sleeping pill on earth.
Damon's POV
When I finally came home after those disastrous six days I decided that I should take my wife out for dinner since I have missed her so damn much. We called Stefan and told him that James will be at Emma this evening so he wouldn't have to take care of him. Bonnie said he looked tired lately and all I wanted to do when I see him is thank him for being there for my family when I was away but right now I needed to spend a romantic evening with my wife, kiss her all I want and feel better for the world was sometimes a very hard place.
She looked incredible in the dress I bought her from Atlanta and I felt beyond lucky for having her. We didn't often went out because we couldn't afford spending money on such things as fancy dishes in fancy restaurants but I actually got some cash for working in Atlanta this week and I was willing to spend them in the name of seeing my wife's happy and careless smile. She needed that as much as I did-taking care of a baby wasn't an easy thing to do. Above that she had to cook for us both, wash and iron our clothes and eventually-when there was the opportunity for that-to go work with Emma. She didn't had it easier than me and Stefan. There were big circles under her eyes tonight because James was very pesky last evening and didn't want to sleep but with a few glasses of wine and me joking around about whatever I could think of her whole face expression changed and light up a little bit.
After dinner we took a walk in the town center and I bought her ice cream, just like when we first met. I wanted to act like I was a teenager again-to bring her back t joy of feeling careless and free. To give her a minute of the world where we would recklessly make-up in her front porch until her father came out and kick me out of his property. I wanted to show her how deeply in love I am with her still and how I'm never ever going to stop loving her. Without her I was lost. All those moments after my mother's death and everything that went down with Stefan after Anna's passing – I just don't know what I would've done without her.
Around midnight she persuaded me to go home because James couldn't stay that long at Emma's. Even though I didn't want the evening to end she was right-and moreover I was missing my son and wanted to hug him tight. He was, however, asleep when we took him and I carried him in my arms feeling completely and utterly happy only from the regular beating of his heart pressed next to mine. James made our world complete and happier. He was also a reason for my brother to stay near us. I knew Stefan loved him beyond borders- he would give his life for my son.
Once we entered the house I waited for Bonnie to take off her high heels and get James so she can put him to bed. Somehow when I did that I always woke him up, but when she was doing it-he wouldn't move even an inch. I handed him over slowly and leaned down to take off my own shoes, which by the way were completely new. I have also bough new trainers for Stefan and I couldn't wait to give them to him so as to see a smile on his face as well.
"Damon" her concerned voice made me turn around abruptly "Something's wrong." she nodded towards the fallen chair that we've put between our door and Stefan's door and where we would toss whatever we could think of-mostly our work clothes. It has fallen down.
"Stefan" that was my only thought.