Here's another chapter. Again a little longer, hope that's ok with you. Thanks for the great reviews again. You guys are awesome.
Enjoy!
Bonnie' s POV
I've never before in my life felt the way I've been feeling ever since I realized I am pregnant again. It was both sadness and happiness but beyond all fear, such deep fear that made my hands freeze and I started dropping and breaking plates more than usually. I was happy, another little kid was going to be part of our lives. And I was scared- how are we going to raise him or her? How am I going to tell Damon? How will we be able to live in this small house? What about Stefan? He was ruined enough already I couldn't make him work even more than he was now just because there is another child on the way?
I was terrified and Damon could see it, but he decided I was just more tired than usually. I didn't know how to put it and I was scared of his reaction. What if he doesn't want another one? I knew he used to say that he loves kids and wants at least three of four but that was before we realized how hard it was to actually raise one.
I had to tell him though. I couldn't keep living like that. I was going insane already. I felt like maybe Stefan knew by now because he looked at me with such understanding and at the same time very supporting. He caught my trembling hands and continued cleaning the dishes the other night when I made a total mess in the kitchen. After that he put his hand on my shoulder and said that it was going to be ok. All that made me wonder if he suspected it or if he was just too kind to me, trying to compensate for last week when he almost wasn't home.
My husband came home around eight this evening. Stefan was still working until ten thirty so we had the time to ourselves. I set the table and he first started telling me how his day passed but he noticed I wasn't listening nor was I eating my meal.
"Bonnie, will you finally tell me what's going on? You're starting to freak me out." he caught my hand and made me look at him once he realized I was indeed very worried "What is wrong?"
"Damon…I have to…admit something." I was afraid to speak out loud. My words were silent and I avoided looking in his direction.
"Ok, so tell me." but I hesitated and stayed silent. I couldn't make myself spill the words and I felt tears streaming down my face. Why was I crying? This is the best thing that can happen to someone.
"You are scaring me. Are ok? Are you sick or something?" he was very worried by that time.
"I am pregnant, Damon."
Silence. The kitchen became the silent field in the middle of which we stood confused and uncertain. We were in this moment where the thought of what was actually happening was sinking in both our minds and we were wondering what to say. Finally he spoke.
"You're pregnant? You're carrying a child?"
"Yes, Damon."
"Are you sure?" I could sense happiness in his voice.
"Absolutely." I nodded to reassure him "I went to the doctor last Friday."
Then he stood up and first hugged me, then leaned down and kissed me slowly, like with this one single gesture he was saying how much he loves me.
"I am the happiest man alive!" he almost yelled and I wanted to scold him but there was a more important question in my head.
"You're happy?"
"Why wouldn't I be? I'm about to become a father for the second time. This is the best thing that can happen." he felt something was still wrong and asked me "Aren't you?"
"I am" I sighed and finally smiled "I was just worried how will you take it."
"You thought I wouldn't want it?" he was hurt "Are you out of your mind?"
"It's not about that, Damon. We have to think how are we going to support two kids now."
"It's going to be ok. I'll take extra shifts at the factory. Stefan is going to graduate and he'll keep on working too. We'll manage."
I smiled again and let the tears flow. This time they were from joy.
"I love you, Damon."
"I love you even more" he said and then leaned down and spoke to my stomach "And I love you too buddy."
James was watching us from afar in his bed a little worried and when we finally paid attention to him he smiled. Damon went and took him in his arms.
"You hear, James. You're going have a brother."
"Hey…what if it's a girl?" I crossed my arms trying to sound angry
"No, it's going to be a boy. I have a feeling." he said and then came closer to me with our son in his hands and kissed me on the forehead.
"You just found out how can you have a feeling. You're such an ass sometimes, Damon." I spilled out hoping he wouldn't take that seriously. He just reminded me of the reckless teenager he once was so much when he was happy.
"You'll see I'm right. And plus don't worry we have plenty of time to make that girl you've always wished for." he winked and I slapped him playfully on the shoulder. James decided that this is some kind of play and also slapped his father on the chest with his little palm.
"That's right, James. You tell your father to get back to earth." my baby boy smiled, completely satisfied by the fact that he has done something good for his mother.
"We have to tell Stefan." he added, now completely serious.
"Yeah. And maybe it's time you stopped being so harsh on him, Damon."
"What? When was I harsh with him? We talked last week."
"No, you talked and said you don't care what he does from now on." he furrowed his eyebrows and looked away. He knew I was right and he hated it. "He's feeling guilty and he's in pain, Damon. You have to be there for him, not to criticize him. Above all he's younger- he has the right to get late two or three times but he doesn't deserve your cold attitude."
"I'm tired of trying to convince him what is right for him." he sighed, both regret and anger evident in his voice.
"He's family and we shall never give up no matter how hard he's trying to make us do it. He thinks he is a burden and now when we tell him I am pregnant he'll feel even more needless."
"I wasn't planning on giving up on him. I was just teaching him a lesson." he moved to the edge of the kitchen and left James back in his bed without giving him time to protest.
"I know." I embraced his strong arms and kissed him on the cheek. "But it's time you stopped because I can't watch you like that anymore." he was still uptight ad clearly didn't want to continue the subject so he turned around and our lips collided as if the world would end if he didn't have me only to himself. Then he lift me up and put me on the kitchen plot.
"Damon, no" I let out when I was able to finally catch my breath "James"
"What about him?" he let out while he continued going down, kissing my neck. His hands were gently moving up from my hops to my back, lifting up my shirt.
"He's awake!"
"Ugh" he let me go very disappointed "I miss you!" he sounded so sad.
"When I put him to bed, ok?" I assured him and made him go finish his dinner. I was still worried-those things don't just disappear, but I felt a little more safer now that he knew, I felt like somehow..we could do it. And I let myself feel happy. I let myself enjoy life.
Stefan's POV
Love is such a strange thing. It brings you to life and then it leaves you desperate. In the beginning I wish I've known how much love shall destroy me but then I realized that it wasn't going to change anything- I would still choose to go through everything I have been. Well maybe everything except for the moment I held Anna's cold hand in the hospital and kissed her goodbye forever. But I think that maybe even that has it's sad and lovely side. I got to show her how much I love her even when she was no longer here.
The thing that's ripping me apart was the fact that I never got the chance to say goodbye to her when she was still breathing. The last words we spoke to each other were "Wait for me, I'm coming." to which I responded "Don't rush, I am here." And indeed I was, but she never came to me.
I like to think that now the roles are reversed and maybe she is waiting for me somewhere and often, in times of complete insanity or pain I whisper silently to myself that I am coming to her but she says don't rush and something always pulls me back to reality.
Anna.
That was all I could think of on my way home. I loved Anna. I kept loving her, every day, every minute. She was gone but I felt her everywhere with me, I swear I could sense her sometimes when the sun shined through the small window in my room or when I was staring at the sky. She is gone, but she is here, in my heart. And, God, how much I love her!
It hurts me and it makes me sad. And the only thing I've ever wanted after she died was to feel her gentle touch again, to press my lips against her, to carry her to her bed when she falls asleep after studying for hours. I craved for love.
I knew I would never see her again. Not in this life, not here, not now. I was a hopeless lost boy on his way home. What was home when she wasn't there? What was future when she was gone? What was life when she couldn't love me?
I still did though. And I couldn't just toss that away because another girl kissed me. I loved her and I played an important part in her death. The guilt was killing me inside out. I couldn't love another, not now..probably not ever. I didn't want to. She was mine and I was hers and even in death that promise remained the same and definitely not to be broken.
I was so angry with myself. What was I thinking? Why was I misleading another girl like that? Elena didn't deserve that- she just lost her parents and I pushed her away without even explaining her what was going on.
Why was I such a terrible person? What was wrong with me?
I finally got home and hurried to get inside. I wanted to toss and ruin things and I knew where to go. Damon and Bonnie were nowhere to be seen so I crossed the living room and the kitchen with my fastest pace and then got out in the backyard. My instruments as well as a few laths were tossed in one of the corners. I've started building a new bed for James but now it seemed so ugly for me. The whole frame was somehow too simple and still not polished. I took it and tossed it on the ground then started ruining it with my healthy leg. The tears were clouding my sight and I couldn't really see what I was doing. I heard a noise from inside and I was sure my brother would be out in a minute, not that this was somehow relevant right now.
I didn't want to think, I only wanted to ruin so as just to be sure that I'm done destroying absolutely everything I've made in my life. I needed to confirm that with something visible because obviously people's feelings weren't enough of a guilt to hold inside me- I needed a touchable proof.
I remembered that I've left the little axe I used near the fence and turned around to take it. A few minutes later wood splinters were flying to the ground.
"Stefan!" my brother's voice both angry and worried echoed behind my back.
I didn't respond but continued destroying whatever piece of wood I could see in front of me.
He caught my hand.
"Stefan, what is going on?"
"Leave me!" I spilled out through my teeth but he wringed out the axe from my hands before I could continue my reckless actions.
"Stefan" now his tone was sad and somehow pitiful. He saw the tears in my eyes. "Come on, stop it."
I could see Bonnie wrapped in her robe standing scared on the backdoor with her hands across her chest, trying to make herself feel warmer.
"Leave me the hell alone" I pushed him and almost lost my balance for a moment "You don't give a damn about anything anymore and you made yourself pretty clear."
He was hurt but I didn't care right now. I surpassed him and made my way to the house, slowly, desperately.
I wish I have died that night they decided to beat the shit out of me. I wish I have died.
Bonnie' s POV
Last night Stefan really scared us a lot. Not because he ruined what he has been building up for a month already, but because he was in an emotional pain and we had no idea what this all was about. I haven't seen him that sad for a long time and his bursting out reminded Damon of the days after Anna died when he would just turn his room upside down and even hurt himself in the process.
Damon felt helpless, it was obvious that Stefan doesn't want to talk to him right now. I'm not sure he wanted to speak with anyone. The only person he was probably still communicating with was Peter Fell. At the end of the week me and Damon were supposed to go visit my parents in New York and now we felt like maybe we shouldn't leave him alone.
The night after the big fiasco he came home and went straight to his room. Lately he was even skipping dinner. Damon headed to his room but I stopped him and said I would try to talk to him. Once I entered I saw him writing in one of his notebooks with his maths student's book next to him. He looked up and I smiled, trying to make him comfortable but he seemed ashamed and unwilling to talk.
"Hey, Stefan." I sat at the edge of the bed, he was still avoiding my look and remained silent. I caught his hand and he stopped writing. "You want to tell me what's going on?" I asked a little cautious, afraid that he might start yelling or just push me away but he simply shook his head. "I don't want you to shut us down. I want to help you."
"I know" he finally mumbled silently and I hugged him caressing his back gently. He seemed so sad to me that night but above all…desperate. Like he was trying to find a way out of something, but he just couldn't see it. When I let him go I smiled and caught his hands. A confession needed to be made.
"I have to tell you something"
"I know, Bonnie" he smiled and his grip tightened. "I know."
"How?" I was surprised. I mean I suspected it but I wasn't sure. For the first time this evening he smiled, but shook his head, making it pretty clear he won't tell me.
"I'm very happy for you. I really am even though I might not be showing it. I'll really love that kid too, no matter what." at this point my eyes were full of tears but I got myself together, trying to look strong. "And I know that you're worried to leave me alone, but I promise that I'll behave" he gave me a reassuring look. "I'll keep myself out of troubles."
"Good." I ruffled his hair playfully, trying to make him smile and stood up "Whenever you decide you want to talk, I'll be here, you know that, right?"
"I do." he let a deep sigh out and I left him alone, with his thoughts and a math homework he was dealing with a lot more easier and faster than with the stuff happening in his life.
Stefan's POV
I avoided Elena till the rest of the week and buried myself with as much work as I could. I felt so bad, so guilty and there was nothing that would make me feel better and no matter how hard Peter tried to cheer me up his efforts were a total waste. It took him a few days to finally make me spill out what happened and being such a wonderful friend that he is, he just tapped me on the shoulder, came out with me after work and we drank the best scotch his father had in his enormous house.
I wanted to forget about everything. About Elena, about Anna, about the guilt that filled my whole human being. I wanted also to hide the pain I felt, because the truth is that ever since that unfortunate fall in my house I've been feeling worse than before and no matter how hard I was trying to hide it, Peter managed to see it and that was another reason why he was glad about us going to Atlanta this weekend. He thought that would fix things and I trying to be realistic as usual, smiled at him and wanted to share his joy from the fact that we were going to watch a real NBA game, but deep inside I felt only disappointment in no other but myself.
Damon, Bonnie and James left on Friday afternoon while I was still at work. The night before my sister-in-law gave me strict instruction what to eat, when to eat it and of course not to forget my pills. She blabbed a long lists of stuff I was supposed to remember, but of course I couldn't. My brother was still somehow distant after my bursting out in the night Elena kissed me and I wasn't doing anything to really change it because I was beyond messed up in so many ways right now. The air in my room was filled with bitterness, guilt and regrets and even the fall sun outside that try to make its way to my room wasn't able to change that.
Peter said that I was extremely lucky after he found out Damon won't be here in the weekend. That way it wasn't necessary for me to lie to him. I just thought that I am doing it even now because not telling something is also a lie- actually one of the worst kind of lies. But somehow I tried to push that in the back of my mind because honestly I didn't want my brother to find out about that trip. I was almost certain of what this doctor was going to tell me and there was no need to put more salt to the wound. Damon had enough worries already.
On Friday evening, after I got home I just fell asleep. I haven't felt so tired in weeks and I slept for fifteen hours until Peter's knock on the door woke me up. I have overslept and he started scolding me that we would miss the appointment if I didn't hurry. At least I have packed my bag the previous day because he was indeed a pain in the ass when he was overly excited.
My friend saw this trip as an adventure he didn't have to take alone and in order to support him I even started joking in the car. Then we fought a bit about the greatest players and basketball teams until we finally came to the subject which both left us completely desperate-girls. I swear this guy could talk about Caroline Forbes so much sometimes it makes you want to just go to her house and beg her to be with him already. But I knew things doesn't work that way. Reality is called reality for a reason and fairytales are the dreams my buddy liked to live in, even though he never completely shared them. I knew he craved for her attention and that made me sad.
Once we finally got to the hospital they said we have to wait a few minutes in the lobby. I was clearly very nervous and Peter was trying to cheer me up.
"It's gonna be fine" he put his hand on my shoulder and I only nodded trying to reassure both him and me
"I know." I sighed "Thanks for being here."
"Of course." he cleared his throat, trying to sound as confident as he could.
After that he changed the subject and we started talking sports and how cool everything was going to be tonight. I could see he desperately wanted to take my mind off everything that was going on around us. I have told him that I despised hospitals and they make me very uncomfortable. I guess he could see that only by the look on my face but as we started talking and arguing about which player has the best techniques I seemed to have pulled myself together again and my hand's slight tremble has disappeared. Honestly, I wasn't really scared, I was just tired from seeing the same stuff every time and that made me nervous. I think he understood that and tried to make it disappear . Before we could continue our debate a young nurse approached us and we both stood up suddenly. For a moment I lost my balance again and he caught my elbow to make sure I wouldn't fall.
"Are you Mr. Salvatore?" she asked with a smile on her face.
"Yeah." I confirmed unwillingly
"Come on, the doctor is waiting for you." Peter let go of me and as I was about to took off with her she turned towards him as if she has forgotten to say something "You're his relative?"
"I'm his cousin" he said it so confident as if it was true and I tried to hold myself together and not laugh but it was hard. He, however remained completely emotionless.
"The doctor will come later to fill you in, ok?"
"Thanks a lot." she smiled and we walked slowly to the end of the corridor. She started asking me thing about my medical history and I responded trying to sound as polite as I could. I didn't want to be here. I couldn't see a point but above all my mind was somewhere else. I was rethinking what has happened between me and Elena.
Peter's POV
When I met Stefan Salvatore I never thought he would become my best friend. I was surprised by myself that I let someone so into my life. He changed it more or less and helped me be a better man. Now all I wanted was to do the same for him. We've both been through many shits in our life- he even more than me. The grief and loss consumed him and sometimes even blinded his judgment. That is why I offered him to talk to Elena, but he remained strongly against it. We argued a lot on the subject and at the end I told him that I don't want him to repeat the same mistakes I did with Caroline, but he just said that Elena better stay away from him because he only brings trouble, sadness and pain to other people and she didn't need that right now. I really wasn't a fan of Elena Gilbert and I was surprised by my own behavior that night when we argued, but I guess I've let my eyes and feelings get in the way of what my mind was telling me. I could feel something between them. I sensed it that day I went to see him after he has fallen and was still sick. I saw it in his sad emerald green eyes. There was something he felt towards that girl and I'm pretty sure even he hasn't realized it still. That wasn't really important though, the good thing is that I managed to catch it and I wanted to do something about it. He liked her and even though he was desperately trying to deny it I knew it was true. He was trying to make this feelings sink, that's why he looked so bad this last week. Stefan was suffocating the love in himself, burying it deep down, not letting himself feel. I wouldn't let him do that because he was my friend and that meant something to me. I have decided that if he doesn't want to talk to Elena than I should at least try and explain her shortly that they need each other's help. I could see that the real reason behind all her actions lately was no other than Stefan and I honestly liked that. If he could influence her to do better than I am all happy for her. But it isn't only about that. He needed help now- he was lost, he was confused, he had no idea what was going to happen with him from now on and maybe she could do something to change that. I don't think that ever after this girl died there was someone for him in this kind of way. I think he is still lonely and sad and because that consumes him so much, it might as well turn to be the thing that kills him.
This examination took longer that I have expected and it got me worried. After two hours have passed the nurse came and said that the doctor took him upstairs to to make him an x-ray and that they shall be done soon. Something here seemed wrong to me and I was afraid Stefan might turn out to be right in the end and that there was no point in our coming here in the first place.
I started walking up and down the corridor, almost getting crazy until I heard his phone buzzing. He has left all his stuff with me, including the work jacket he wore in which he obviously kept his cell. I saw that it was his brother but there was no way I would pick up. After the fifth missed call they send him a text saying- You're probably working. Call me when you can because Bonnie is making a fuss that you're not responding. I sighed relieved- at least they would stop trying to get in touch with him now. As I was about to go and grab myself a fourth cup of coffee the doctor came out of the corridor and approached me. He seemed to be in his forties with a very tired and what seemed like a confused look he greeted me and we sat down.
"So ..I'm sorry but the news aren't really very good." he scratched the back of his head trying to find the right words.
"Is he ok?" there it was-the pit in my stomach.
"Honestly he is in a lot of pain and I'm quite amused by the fact that he can walk without falling. He said that he undergo an infection about a week ago?"
"Yeah, that's right."
"Well I can tell you that it won't be his last one. It would be good if he agrees to a surgery because his condition won't prove from now on without it. "
"Will it help him?"
"Well it won't take all of his pain away. I mean after all he wouldn't be able to walk normally ever again, no matter what, but at least it will stop that and he wouldn't have to keep this ability to have such high threshold for pain."
I nodded understandingly.
"He says he doesn't want to be cut open again, however." I looked at him not at all surprised and he read that in my look. "Maybe you can change that."
"He's pretty stubborn. But I'll do what I can."
"Well, do it as fast as you can, that is my advice."
"Can I see him now?"
"Yeah, he's waiting for you in the room. I gave him some strong drugs so he's a little dizzy but he shall be ok in an hour."
I thanked him and he took me to the door. Once I got in I saw Stefan lying on a bed with his hand covering his eyes. As he heard the door open he looked at me and tried to smile, not very successfully in my opinion, but still I considered it to be a try. He sat still slowly and I joined him on the bed while he tried putting his plaid shirt on.
We didn't really talk-there was nothing to say. He hated if someone pitied him or tried to console him or anything else like that so I helped him anyway I could and supported him while we walked to the car. We left slowly and feeling defeated. He fell asleep in the car on our way to the game and after that seemed to be better.
We enjoyed watching live basketball very much. I actually think for a moment he forgot all his troubles and just let himself be consumed by the game. For the first time in months I also let myself be happy even if it was for an hour or two. We discussed the whole game until midnight in the hotel room which was supposed to be reserved for my father and drank whatever we could find in the mini bar. It was a fun evening and even though we never got to the most painful subjects we didn't felt awkward or uncomfortable. We were ourselves.
But that was a delusional kind of happiness and I knew it. It was a sweet delirium neither of us wanted to escape because it was so much better than our actual life. For one night we got to let the steam off, forget about the girls and the work and the teams and the assholes in school. But that was it. In the morning when we headed back the same weight that's being pressuring us for months returned and we silently let it consume us.
When we parked in front of his house I saw him hesitate about something and I knew what he wanted to tell me. He didn't want his brother or anyone else under any circumstances to know what happened and I was ok with this. After all I was his friend and I would do anything to help him but I should also respect his decisions. I had to try and convince him in doing what was best for him but I needed time because Stefan was beyond stubborn.
I also needed another person- Elena. And that is why I went straight to her house once I left him.
It took me a while to actually convince myself to go and knock on the door- not because I was afraid of Elena Gilbert, but because I saw Caroline's Forbes car parked outside and I wasn't really up to seeing her or even talking to her right now. I guess that they were studying or something like that. I remember Stefan mentioning it last week.
I got off the car and lit a cigarette with my back turned towards the house and on the other side of the car so that they wouldn't see me. First I walked up and down just thinking and trying to make myself relax. I kept reminding myself that this wasn't about me but about Stefan and I owed him one ever since he helped me get in the team. And continued helping me actually because our coach sucked- big time.
I threw my cigarette, having smoked only half of it on the ground and headed to the door. I shouldn't really be re-thinking that. I should just talk. Once I knocked I took my new Atlanta hawks hat off. I bought Stefan and me the same one so we can brag in school about that. He was strongly against me paying for that too but eventually I left him no choice, because I told him he wouldn't even get into the gym if he doesn't at least once take something I gave him which resulted in him cursing whatever he could see for about fifteen minutes.
My thoughts were interrupted by Caroline opening the door and immediately trying to close it back with her eyebrows furrowed, but I put my hand on it and stopped her.
"Look, Caroline. I need to talk to Elena..please" in that moment the Gilbert girl herself appeared behind my favorite blond an looked at me very surprised.
"Peter. What are you doing here?"
"He's looking for someone to kick his ass is what he's doing." replied Caroline with her typical sass but I remained serious though. I couldn't deal with her stubbornness now, because there were more important stuff to be discussed.
"Elena can I have a word in private." I looked at her trying to sound as sincere as I could and implying that it was a serious subject otherwise I wouldn't be here. "Just a few minutes I promise."
"If this is about you buddy kissing her and then leaving her in the middle of nowhere then you should really-"
"No, Care. Let me talk to him" I sighed a little bit relieved. She has understood me. For now.
"What?" now Caroline was pissed off but Elena cut her off with just one look and send her back to the kitchen. Then she walked outside and we sat on the big comfortable white chairs they had on their porch. I took out another cigarette just to wait until the silence isn't so uncomfortable anymore.
"So…what is this all about?" she seemed to lack sleep, there were big circles under her eyes and she seemed beyond tired to me. Her hair was all over the place and she wasn't wearing any make-up. Two weeks ago I would never even imagine seeing Elena Gilbert like that.
"More like..who it is about." I smiled and avoided her look. I didn't like facing disastrous sadness. I had enough of it in my life.
"So Caroline was right. You want to talk about Stefan."
I nodded and finally light up the cigarette. As I was about to start talking she prevented me by letting a deep sight out. I noticed that her hands were squeezing the chair's handle with her hands. Was she confused? Nervous?
"Look, Elena. I know what happened…obviously since I am here" I smiled and tried to comfort her."I know you're probably very mad at him for that he disappeared like that and never explained anything to you."
"If he loves another girl that is ok with me Peter" I swear I could see tears in her eyes. She felt rejected.
I laughed nervously and thought how easy it would be if it was like that.
"It's not about that. Look…he probably never told you what happened up in Chicago and it's really not my place to do that. I, myself, don't know the whole story because he really doesn't talk about it, but I can tell you that-I know you've been through hell these last few months but he has been to an even bigger one and I'm not completely sure he ever went out. He probably acted all cool and wise and being happy with his life around you but he isn't. He just continues walking in that shit and carrying it all with himself."
"Peter I" she started but I interrupted her
"Wait..let me just say what's on my mind." she nodded and even smiled understandingly for a moment. I guess she could see it was hard for me to that. Especially when I have in mind Caroline was somewhere inside and only the thought of her turned me upside down. "I know he maybe..helped you somehow. I'm actually sure because he did help me, but believe me now is time I want to do something for him. I don't like seeing him lost and confused and I believe you can change that about him because just by talking about you his whole face lights up. I am not sure of his feelings nor do I have any idea what are yours but I know he could use a friend. And I feel like maybe you need each other. So I believe it will be a shame to just destroy that by a kiss you both clearly feel confused about."
"Peter, I really am not mad about that" she stated silently, calmly. That very much left me surprised. I thought she was pissed off "I am just..confused, you know? And I even felt bad after it because I realized that it was rush and stupid and I have no idea what came over me. But this week..it was hard without being able to talk to someone. I mean yeah..Caroline she's awesome but..it's just"
"Different with Stefan." I finished her thought just because I sometimes felt like her "He feels very bad for what he did to you. He lets his guilt consume him and that's why he hasn't really made any attempts to talk to you. Maybe you will." I sighed and put the cigarette down and stood up. She didn't expect me to leave so soon judging by the look on her face but I couldn't stay any longer. I was beyond tired for driving that much today and I needed to sleep. "If you want..you can fix it." I smiled at her and took off slowly getting down the stairs.
"Peter!" she called me with a desperate voice and I turned around.
"There is another girl, isn't there?" now she has stood up too and leaned on the wooden post as if she couldn't really support herself.
"More like…there was another girl. She is gone now." I responded vaguely. I wasn't sure I could say it out loud. Pain has this power once it settles up in your throat that it makes you suffocate.
"You mean she is dead?" the words left me unprepared but I tried to get myself together for one last time today.
"She is." I said slowly, barely audible, avoiding her look. But then I decided that this is the behavior of a coward so a looked up and faced her teary eyes- She is.
Then I left her without saying goodbye. Was there a need for that really?
Stefan's POV
This time the factory really send us to another city to work for three days. Damon was really very angry about it but there wasn't anything I could do. I honestly preferred it because I wouldn't have to go to school and face Elena's avoiding look. I felt really uncomfortable and nervous when I had to walk the hallways cause I felt that when I see her for the millionth time today I will only meet the brown emptiness of her eyes and that hurt me. I never wanted that kiss to happen, even though I admit it made feel good which also explained the enormous amount of guilt burning me from inside out.
Which is why I buried myself with as much work as I could so that I wouldn't have to think about her and about what the doctor said. I was sure Peter would try to corrupt me into doing this surgery but I sure as hell didn't have such plans.
Damon and Bonnie were happier lately which only made me smile. I really was trying to stay out of their way and not bother them because I knew they needed their time to re-think everything and decide how they are going to deal with the whole situation. Though there wasn't anything to deal with actually- we would just have to work more and harder. That was never a problem for me.
I started building another bed for James in the backyard and when I came back home on Wednesday I ate as fast as I could and went outside to finish at least the base construction. When I was at home I didn't need to rush things like at work. I get to look over the main parts and decide how to make them one whole. I usually put my whole heart into stuff I did for myself or the family.
"You've been working whole day, won't you get a rest?" I heard my brother's voice from behind. We didn't really talk lately. I congratulated him on the baby and we hugged but that was it. We never went deeper. I guess I just wanted to prove him right- I was his stubborn disappointing little brother.
"I just want to finish that." I said but never turned my look to him. I felt him sitting on the ground near me and I started questioning myself what this all was about."Is there something wrong?"
"Why would there be?" he was the confused one now "Can't I just sit next to my brother while he ..constructs something?"
"It's a new bed for James. I'll later make a smaller one for the little guy."
"Ah" he smiled widely "So you think it's gonna be a boy too?"
I shook my head.
"It doesn't really matter." I sighed and left the hammer down.
"You're right..it doesn't. Though I would love to see a boy. It will be just like you and me when we were little."
"Oh, you mean James will kick his ass all over this yard while Bonnie is not watching?" I smiled for the first time this evening.
"I never kicked your ass! I only..kicked you..sometimes…when we played football." he said trying to prevent himself from laughing too.
"So you can win and brag about it in front of dad, you asshole!" he caught my neck with his arm and brushed up my hair to annoy me just like when we were little and I tried hard to get away from him. After he stopped teasing me we calmed ourselves down and stared at the sky for a few minutes like when we were kids and dreamt big as if there wasn't anything in this world to stop us. "I am very happy for you, Damon." I said sincerely, avoiding his look as if I had done something wrong. Maybe it was like that because I still hasn't told him that I plan on moving back to Chicago once the school year was over.
"Thank you, brother." he nodded and I felt his look over me so I faced the sincere joy in his blue eyes. The same as James's. I could still see the reckless kid he was when we were little somewhere there. Though it was mixed with tiredness and ..even compassion. Something he didn't really show all the time. He liked to hide his feelings just like me. I guess our father thought us that. And he was a rough and cold man. I didn't want to be like him. Never in my life.
In a few minutes Bonnie called us back because she believed it was too cold to stay outside. I went to finish the homework they have given us in the days I was away and noticed my brother's approving look.
I still wasn't sure how I would be able to find the right words to tell him my intentions.
A little before he went to bed he put his hand on my shoulder and squeezed it gently.
"I am proud of you brother." the words were barely audible but they made my whole world. He ruffled my hair and left me alone in the small stinking like overcooked chicken kitchen. After my mother and father died, after Anna left this earth, after there wasn't a single soul out there to give a damn about me anymore I was only left with my brother. He was my family now. His family was my family. And me trying to be good enough for them was a task I failed so many times and one that I would probably never succeed in completing. But knowing that at least he is satisfied with what I was doing lessen my guilt and made me breath easily.
It made the weigh a bit lighter.
Peter's POV
I had my first big game this Friday and I was pretty much relieved that Stefan would be home by then because our coach was beyond unbearable and definitely part of the majority of complete idiots still walking on earth. To that category I also added the rest of the team.
As we were dressing up in the changing room I didn't really feel nervous. I felt..good, excited. I wanted to go out there and crush there guys. In the breaks I was going to consult myself with Stefan. He was always observing everything carefully and made good suggestions. Just in case I put his old t-shirt under my new jersey. No one could really conclude it was a basketball t-shirt with another school's name on it because my new one hid the letters. It's blue color didn't really match my bright red jersey but I liked the combination of the two colors. And I thought that a little more luck wouldn't be useless. I had the number seven on my back- the same as Stefan's one. And even though my name was on there too I removed it. Basically because I still considered it to be a team sport. And because I hated my father's name. It brought many extra weight with it. Weight I had no intentions of carrying, not now, not ever in my life as I has pointed out with my behavior towards father for the last 17 years.
When we were all ready the coach started giving us instructions but I wasn't really paying attention to his words. I was brought back to my conversation with Elena. Something kept bugging me. She seemed convinced when we talked, I did indeed explain her that the situation is beyond disastrous and still..when she saw him yesterday she didn't approach him. I could still feel the guilt he was feeling. It has almost become a part of his scent-that's how sad it was. Maybe I was wrong. Or maybe Caroline unconvinced her. Whatever the reason was I had lost hope that she'll talk to him. He on the other hand was another pain in the ass I still didn't have the guts to deal with right now. I have no idea how to convince someone who's clearly willing to feel pain instead of ending it. This was kind of awful masochism. Then again I don't think I'm very different having in mind how much I drank lately.
As we finally went out on the court my first thought was to see where he's sitting. I found him easily on the third roll with his green work jacket and his ruffled hair looking extremely serious and already paying attention to the other team, trying to decide who among them were the most dangerous. He found my look and nodded me confidently as if he was saying "Don't worry, you got this"
And I really did. We won the game with me scoring most points. As we finished I didn't join my team mates even though they were cheering me up and trying to carry me up. I wait until the whole gym gets empty and Stefan joined me with his slow limping pace.
"Good job, Fell."
"It was all you. Thanks for pointing me out that douche was trying to trip me in the third quarter."
He smiled finally satisfaction evident on his face.
"You're welcome."
"Now let's get drunk." I said and tried to surpass him but he put his hand on my shoulder and gave me a serious look
"Maybe you should go celebrate with the team, Peter. Make some friends."
"I have a friend and he's right next to me. Let's not mention that he's the only reason we won tonight."
He shook his head, obviously a bit angry with my answer.
"You're giving me too much credit. But if that's how you've decided then.."
"I'm not going out with those idiots even if someone's giving me money."
We laughed out loud. It felt great to do something like that. The only time I felt alive was when I was playing. There was something sweet in that rush to be first and score as much as you can that lift me up and made me forget what I loser I really was. I wanted to be good, no..great at least in that one thing that made sense in my whole life.
He waited until I changed and we went outside still happily discussing the game and even my flaws. The whole backyard was empty or at least that's what we thought until we made a turn to the parking lot and faced a bunch of red and white football jackets in the middle of which was Tyler Lockwood. We exchanged understanding glances- he has figured it out. It has took him quite some time. Or maybe he was just waiting for the right moment and ..obviously recruiting his gorilla buddies.
"Ah..Fell and Salvatore." he started with a satisfied smirk "What a nice evening, don't you think?"
Stefan put his bag down and started seriously
"We all know why's this all about, Lockwood. We beat up your ass and now you're pissed off."
"Oh is that right?" he seemed a little pissed off already.
"Yeah." this time I answered and noticed him giving a nod to someone obviously behind us.
In a minute I felt someone pushing me hard to the ground and the small stones from the sidewalk bruising my cheek. I felt someone's foot on my back but tried to turn around only to see Stefan in the same position as me with such a angry but at the same time apologizing look at his face. He hated fights and I knew why. This was like going through hell all over again but he didn't seem scared. He seemed to be already in peace with what was about to happen.
An awfully sad and even terrifying kind of peace.
Those were my last sensible thoughts. Then it all went blurry.