Since I left you all on edge in the last chapter I decided I could spent some hours writing instead of sleeping. Thank you so much for reading this story and giving me your thoughts on it. Here you have more dialogue since it was just necessary for the characters to say out loud certain things, but also some Stefan thoughts at the end so I hope you enjoy it. Let me know what you think of this one. ((:

Stefan's POV

"Stefan?"

I looked around myself and realized I was in that big park near out neighborhood in Chicago. The sun was shining and I could hear child's voices. It seemed like another kind of reality. It seemed…too calm. Too happy. I looked at myself and realized I was dressed in the blue jacket of my previous high school team with a big M on the right sleeve. I felt different..somehow stronger, healthier. There wasn't the usual pain I felt when I was standing straight so I looked down and realized my leg was perfectly fine, the foot wasn't crooked. That was strange. How was I ok? That could never happen. I noticed I was wearing this brown plaid shirt Anna gave me as a present for me seventeenth birthday and as I tried to fix the top button noticed how soft my hands were.

This definitely wasn't reality. Then I remembered someone calling me so I turned around and as I did my heart stopped.

"Anna?" she was there, right in front of me. Dressed in her skinny old jeans and red summer t-shirt with some cartoon character on it. Her wavy brown hair carefully combed and gathered in a neat ponytail. She was smiling from ear to ear but I didn't dare even move, because I was afraid she will disappear. "What is going on? Where am I? Am I dead?"

"No, you just collapsed after the fight. They'll probably wake you up soon." she approached me slowly and for a minute she was so close I felt our noses touch. I leaned down to kiss her on the cheek and she took my hand in hers.

"Stefan, always the gentleman." she smiled again and leaned on my shoulder. I could hold her in my arms forever. But this here wasn't forever…this wasn't even reality..this wasn't life. Then what was it?

"Am I dreaming?" I still couldn't hide my confusion.

"Something like that. But you wished to see me very much so that's why I'm here."

"But I am healthy now. I feel good." she turned around and nodded towards the surroundings.

"Do you remember that day? It was a little after we started dating." I was suddenly brought back a long time ago when we used to go outside on the Sunday afternoons and enjoy our walks and talk about everything that was going on with our lives. I was so in love with her. It was such a powerful and strong feeling. Maybe that is why I was feeling like that. Maybe it didn't have anything to do with physical strength. Maybe it was all just one particular feeling.

"I do. It was before we started working so much."

She nodded and lead me to the nearest bench where we just sat and she hugged herself in me again. It felt so good to be next to her. Surprisingly she was warm and her pressing her little body next to mine somehow made me feel even better. I kissed her on the forehead and slowly let her ponytail down.

"You know I love you with your hair down." I whispered in her ear and she let a small giggle out. Just as if she was a child- she was always so innocent, so naïve, so willing to help everyone. That is something she thought me how to do and I carried it with myself as a gift from her.

"Stefan?" her voice was serious now

"Yeah?"

"I like Peter. I think he's a good friend."I smiled and closed my eyes while still holding her so tight. I was afraid I'll lose her. I was afraid time will prevent me from having her in my arms."I like Elena too." that however made me let her go and face her deep blue eyes. I couldn't understand her. She saw me struggling and put her hand on my face to calm me down "I am just saying is all. You have to keep on going."

"I don't want to keep on going" my voice was stern, cold. She just shook her head and stood up a little so she can kiss me, this time on the lips. It felt amazing, it felt like I was back in time, happy again. It felt like love and passion. It felt like life, but before I could respond her properly she tore herself away from me, looked me in the eyes and whispered "I love you. Now close your eyes." and before I could even think why was she asking me to do this in the first place I listened to what she was saying and suddenly her hands felt colder and sharp pain appeared from my right side.

I opened my eyes, or at least tried to. Somehow I couldn't make my right eyelid move up. I saw a young woman dressed in white trying to put me down on what seemed to be a bed. I didn't really realize I was trying to get away from her. I was pushing myself up.

"Calm down, please." she was almost yelling, but I don't think I was letting her words sink in. I looked around and saw Peter lying on the bed next to me. There was a big bandage on his head and he was holding his right arm so close to his side as if it hurt him. He looked at me and I stopped moving. The nurse pushed me down and once she realized I won't be a problem anymore she went outside, probably looking for the doctor.

"Stefan" Peter's hoarse voice was barely audible "Calm down, you stubborn asshole."

I felt my whole right sight of the face swollen. My ribs also hurt and I bended on the side that felt somehow healthier. I felt my whole leg numb and as I looked down I noticed a bandage on my right foot. Suddenly I remembered one of Tyler's bodyguards stepping on it with his big foot and another one who hit me in the knee, which explained the sharp pain there too. At least this guys knew who they were dealing with and where our weak spots were.

"What happened?"

"I don't know…I woke up a while ago." he spoke slowly as if every work demanded enormous amount of strength. "My arm hurts." he added as if he was just about to start crying.

"I'm gonna kill that..stupid..Lockwood…idiot" I couldn't really pronounce the worlds right because my mouth was also swollen. I tried to sit straight again no matter how much pain that brought.

"Not before I do it first." he said and pressed his hand even closer to him while letting an angry grunt out. "Jesus, you really are not listening to what people tell you."

There was another thought on my mind right now which prevented me from being reasonable in this moment

"Damon will kill me. He will..just kill me." in that minute however the door opened and the nurse came back with the doctor, both very frustrated from seeing me barely sitting up.

"What on earth do you think you are doing?" he let out angrily and they pushed me back on the bed without me being able to protest.

"I have to go home" I said, but closed my eyes because my head started spinning too much. Before I could do anything else I felt the nurse injecting something in my arm . I looked around again only to see Peter's devastated face and I started dozing off again. The voices fused somewhere above me and I lost control of my body. Of the present.

Elena's POV

It wouldn't be Caroline if she didn't decide to wake me up in eight on a Saturday morning. I loved my best friends but her understandings of people's needs sometimes was seriously questionable. Last weekend she called me in seven to update me on our study plan because I was way behind the material. I guess I should be happy that at least now was an hour later.

I didn't respond immediately and left the phone buzzing until I guess she finally gave up. But I was already awake and as usually in the past week and a half my first thought was about Stefan. Unconsciously I would touch my lips and close my eyes, trying to remember how sweet it all was and how gentle and genuine his whole posture was.

I felt so scared. Scared to love someone. That's why I pushed my thoughts about him away. That's why I didn't go and talk to him on Thursday when he finally appeared back on school. I was afraid. I was a coward and my soul felt so small, so insignificant. Later on I realized that maybe the reason why I was so frightened was because I was afraid to lose another person I love. I didn't want to give my heart away to something that will disappear, because up until now everything proved to be a dust in the wind, to be able to become invisible and to cause nothing but pain. I didn't crave for nothingness, I craved for love. But there were different concepts of love and I don't think I even came close to the real definition of it by now. I often wondered if Stefan has. I guess he did, if he is in so much pain and if sadness is so evident in his look. I was curious to know if he could ever love someone like this again or if those things come only once in a lifetime. My father once told me that you never forget your first big love so I guess Stefan wouldn't do it either. Was there a reason for him to do that? Yeah, the girl was dead but that didn't mean a thing because he was here and his feelings could as well be stronger now when she's gone even if he can't see her every day. That thing inside him that was killing him is probably not at all sadness or despair- it's just love. Like the love I felt for my parents- that was persistently destroying me from the inside out too. I wanted to show them again how much I loved them, I wanted to feel their love as well. When that started missing my life took a whole new direction.

My thoughts were again interrupted by the phone buzz. Jesus..this girl was persistent.

"What is it Caroline?" I asked, annoyance evident in my sleepy voice.

She however seemed very upset.

"Elena…I have to tell you something I just found out."

"Care, what's going on?" suddenly my annoyance was replaced with concern. She did indeed sound scared..if not terrified. "Are you ok?"

"It's not me…" she made a dramatic pause obviously wondering whether to spill it out or not already. Or maybe she was searching for the right words. "Tyler Lockwood and his buddies beat up Stefan and Peter last night."

"What?" I suddenly stood sit. "What do you mean he beat them up?"

"There was a game yesterday and they were the last one to leave. Apparently he was waiting for them. It was all planned."

For a moment I went silent and cursed in my mind. Confusion and worry overcame me and I stood up trying to get to the wardrobe and find my clothes.

"I have to go see him Are they in the hospital?"

"No, I don't think so. Maybe they came back home." she didn't seem very certain but I decided not to think too much about it.

"Do you know how are they? Anything at all?"

"No. No idea" her voice still seemed very scared to me. "Elena, you can't go."

"You don't understand. This is all my fault. They started this in the first place because of me. I have to go see him, I lost too much time." now I was blabbing without actually giving it too much thought.

She sighed and obviously gave up on arguing with me and in a few minutes after I was sure I got everything she already knew, we hang up. It took me a while to get ready and I didn't even consider the fact that it was 9 in the morning and he could be as well still asleep. I wanted to see him no matter what. I was so worried my hands even started trembling but as I got in the car I tried calming myself down. There was no need in going there if I was in this condition. He wasn't suppose to see me like this. On the way there, even though the radio was on, I couldn't even make sense of one song. My mind was spinning from questions, conclusions and angry curses towards this idiot Tyler. I knew this would happen, why on earth weren't they more careful? Stefan wasn't in perfect health to begin with so what happens once he gets beaten up by those stupid gorillas in the football team? I was afraid again, but this time not because I was scared to talk to him but because I didn't want to see him like this. I didn't want him to feel pain because of me. Peter told me last week that guilt overcame Stefan but now the same was happening to me and indeed it was a powerful feeling. The same I felt after my parents died.

Once I parked in front of their house I walked slowly from the car to the door because I was still trying to calm myself down. I'm sure I probably looked like a ghost but tried to console myself for the millionth time this morning and knocked on the door. It took them a while to open me and I was worried that they weren't even there and Caroline was all wrong about them not being in the hospital anymore but after a few minutes which to me felt like a month his sister-in-law opened the door with the baby in her hands. She seemed very surprised to see me. Either she was expecting someone else or she knew something was wrong between me and Stefan. I doubt, however, that he would tell anyone besides Peter.

"Hello, Mrs. Salvatore." she tried smiling and looking polite but I could see the dark circles under her eyes- she probably hasn't slept at all.

"Elena, right?"

"Yeah." suddenly I felt confused and shy so for a moment I looked down at my black converses trying to gather some courage. "Can I please see Stefan?"

She sighed, obviously not very pleased with my demands, but she gave it a second thought and opened the door wider.

"Just a few minutes, ok?" I stepped in and she led me to his room while giving me a sign that she'll open first because she's not sure if he's still awake or if he has fallen asleep. As she opened the door I realized how afraid I am again but I tried to get myself together and look as calm as I could. She stepped in and I followed behind her. I've never before been in his room, only in their kitchen. It was very small, with his bed in the right side and a wardrobe against it as well as a few chairs on which he obviously kept most of his clothes. There weren't any posters on the walls, only variety of books on the floor and a few on his bed cupboard where a reading lamp was used as a hanger because his red Atlanta hawks cap was put on it.

Once I finally stopped my look at him I felt my hands trembling again so I intertwined them together nervously behind my back. The right part of his face was bruised and he couldn't open both his eyes once he realized there was presence in his room. As he met my gaze he seemed beyond surprised and confused.

"Hey, Stefan." she turned towards him "You have a guest." he started moving obviously trying to raise himself a bit and sit but as he started doing so he grunted and put his left hand on his right side."Don't!" she scolded him. "You'll get up when your brother comes home."

"Okay" was the only thing he said, barely audible and with a hoarse voice. There was again this sadness I could sense mixed with confusion and misunderstanding. He couldn't get what I was doing here.

She left us alone and closed the door behind her. For a few minutes we stood like this just staring at each other until he finally decided to speak up.

"Am I dreaming..by any chance?" he wasn't joking. I'm not sure he was making a difference between reality and sleep right now, he seemed so tired to me, barely standing awake. I laughed and he tried smiling as well.

"You are not."

"You can…come closer you know. I don't bite." he spoke so slowly as if every word caused him pain and demanded strength he didn't have right now. In my opinion he shouldn't have left the hospital, he looked so pale and just..crushed in every sense. I sat at the edge of the bed trying not to take any of his space, but close enough to him at the same time. He closed his eyes for a moment again, apparently trying to undergo some kind of pain and I looked away because I couldn't bear seeing him like this. I was on the verge of letting my tears go already.

"I am so sorry" I spilled out silently as if I was afraid to say it out loud when I should be probably screaming it at him since it was all my fault.

"Why are you apologizing?" he opened his eyes again obviously confused. "You did nothing wrong."

"If it wasn't for me now you and Peter would-"

"No" he said sternly and caught my hand which very much surprised me. He made me look at him "This could never be your fault, you hear me?" there was this determination in his eyes. He was so stubborn to make me believe it and for a moment I almost did. Just to make him calm down I nodded and he leaned back on the pillows supporting his back.

For a minute we stood again in silence, both lost in our thoughts which he decided to interrupt.

"So..I'm guessing if you're here Peter talked to you?"

"He did…but it took me too much time to realize that I should've come earlier to you." he seemed again surprised by my words and wanted to interrupt me but I prevented him from doing so "Stefan..I am indeed sorry for that kiss."

"You shouldn't be. But you need to know that I'm just..too broken for a relationship right now."

"Stefan"

"No..wait. I have to tell you." I nodded and waited patiently while still holding his hand. It was so cold that it almost made me shiver so I put my other one on top of his just to make him feel better, to calm him down, because he seemed very nervous "The truth is that you are an amazing girl and what I did to you wasn't right. I should've explained myself but being the coward I am I just..just couldn't bring myself to talk about that..about everything that happened, because it's just too overwhelming and it leaves me sad and broken and in despair and I'm not trying to hide that. I am broken, Elena and that is one of the reasons I don't want to misguide you in any way. You have been in too much pain a girl your age should ever be and watching you feel even worse because I stepped away made me realize how selfish I am. I never meant to hurt you but the funny thing is that I liked it and that both made me happy and guilty and I'm still wondering how it can even be this way. You are kind and you have a beautiful soul no matter how hard you're trying to hide it and cover it with all the wrong words for all the wrong reasons. I saw that in you from the moment we met. And that is the reason why I don't want to admit to myself that I could have any feelings for you, because I'm not sure how ready I am to start something. I kept repeating myself those days that there is no logic in all our actions, that they are in vain, they are lacking sense but love and falling in love have nothing to do with that and that's why it all hurts so much. It leaves us confused, you know?" by that time I was really trying to keep myself from crying. He spoke so sincerely and with so much pain that I just wanted to take it all away from him

"Look Stefan.." I took a deep breath "I like talking to you. I like spending time with you and I don't want to make you uncomfortable in any way. I am afraid to get close to someone just because I feel that I'll-"

"Lose them." he finished my thoughts and we stared at each other for a moment. We both knew that feeling and it scared us.

"I want us to keep whatever relationship we have right now and I just.. I missed talking to you so much this week. I never before realized what I would do if I lose it, you know? It was just for a short period of time but it meant the world to me." I shrugged with a small smile on my lips realizing how ridiculous and cliché my words sounded. "I don't want to rush into anything too. I just want to keep on seeing you."

"Good. I definitely want that too." he let a sigh out as well and tried to raise up again, not very successfully so I tightened my grip and tried to help him but he started coughing so I handed him the glass of water standing on the cupboard and waited until it all passed away.

"I'm sorry. I'm not very..presentable today." he let go of my hand and put it back on his ribs trying to suppress the pain.

"What did the doctors tell you?"

"Don't think about that, I'm fine" he tried to decline the answer because he hated talking about himself which also explained why I didn't knew that much about him in the first place and Peter had to tell me what the actual reason behind him leaving me that night was. But I was also stubborn so I didn't just left the subject away.

"Ugh-uh, friends tell each other everything." I said persistently "Come on."

"I'm really fine. Just two broken ribs, a big bruise on my knee that might cause some future problems and one of the gorillas stepping over my foot which explains why it looks so swollen. But Peter is worse, they had to make him a few stitches and his shoulder was twisted so he wouldn't be able to play for a couple of weeks probably..which as you might guess made him very angry."

"And you say that's fine? Are you out of your mind?" now that explained why he seemed so broken this time not from the inside and I wasn't sure which was better in that moment.

"Please don't make a fuss about it. My brother is already just too mad at me."

"Besides the fact that you got into a fight is there another reason he should be?" I felt there was more to it by the way he spoke the last words. Too much disappointment in himself evident in his voice.

"It's not the first time, you know? How do you think I got this fancy way of walking?" he said with his calmest voice if it wasn't a problem at all.

"You were beaten?" that was news. I thought he got into some kind of accident so I never asked him because it would feel too awkward.

"Yeah. Last year actually. So you could say I've been far worse, believe it or not."

"So he's angry it happened again?"

"He is.-he nodded sadly" Because when I finally woke up I promised him it will never happen again. And now it did and I scared him to death again…so he's pretty much beyond pissed off as you might guess.

"He'll stop being angry once you get better, you'll see."

"Let's hope you're right." he tried smiling again and tossed the blanket off trying to sit next to me. I really didn't think he should move up at all but I helped him even though after a few minutes he leaned back on the wall because he needed something to support him. He was dressed in a shabby old shirt with too long sleeves that covered most of his palms under which there was a white t-shirt. Just now I noticed the bandage on his bare foot but hurried to look away just so I wouldn't make him feel uncomfortable. "Does it hurt you?"

"No, I'm fine." he let out clearly still tired from moving, even if it was so little. He was breathing heavily.

"You keep repeating it too much but you know I don't believe you."

"Well you and Peter should make some kind of club together because you just seem to be too confident that you know how I really feel." he said sarcastically.

"No, we're just not blind like other people" I stated and he looked at me this time seriously and appreciatively. Before we could continue talking the door opened and an older man with dark short hair and deep blue eyes came in. I guessed this was his brother. He had this angry look but underneath I could sense he was just too worried. Once he saw Stefan sitting like this I felt he wanted to start scolding him but maybe because I was there he decided he shouldn't. He was dressed in work clothes and on his right sleeve I show the abbreviation of the Thomas Fell car company so I concluded he must be working there. He avoided my look as if I wasn't in the room at all and turned towards Stefan.

"You need to eat" his voice was definitely cold. Stefan was right, he seemed beyond pissed off. "I'll help you get to the kitchen."

"Just a few more minutes, brother" let out Stefan desperately to keep my company. Or he really didn't want to deal with him right now. I decided it was time for me to go so I stood up

"It's ok, Stefan. I better go anyway." he seemed unhappy when I said that but tried to hide it from me with one of his light sincere smiles.

"Thanks for coming."

"Get better." I left the room as fast as I could because I could feel the tension in it.

Stefan's POV

I didn't even have time to think about Elena's coming once my brother started helping me stay straight. It was just too painful and blurred my mind. Damon was beyond angry with me, he was like a ticking bomb ready to explode any minute. Last night when he came to the hospital, he was just so scared, I saw it in his eyes. Just like last time when they didn't even let him see me. The first thing he did was to hug me and after he realized I was conscious enough he let his anger show and started scolding me but I didn't oppose him in any way. He had every right to get mad and even yell. I didn't make it easy for him and I made him a promise- another one I failed keeping.

His grip was so tight that it made my ribs hurt but I didn't tell him anything because I didn't want him to think he caused me pain but every two steps I would make him stop and it made him angry. Not because I couldn't walk but because of the reason I wasn't able to do it.

"Damon" I let out somewhere in the middle of the hallway "I can't." I put my hand on the right side again and he threw me a worried look.

"Yes, you do" I heard Bonnie 's voice from the kitchen door with James in her hands. He looked at me curiously, he couldn't get what was wrong "Come on. James is waiting for you." she then turned to her son and started talking to him "James, call your uncle to come here" she showed him how to move his hand as if he was trying to urge me to keep on going but the kid couldn't twist his hand like that so he just started waving and smiled up at me. I tried returning him with the same and took another stop while they kept trying to cheer me up. When we both finally made it to the door I kissed James on the forehead and his little hands stretched to me. He wanted to play again.

"Not now, son" said Damon "Maybe once your uncle stops trying to get himself killed he'll be able to hold you."

"Damon!" Bonnie scolded him but he just grunted annoyed and at the same time relieved that I managed not to fall on the way to the dinner table. I wasn't at all up to eating and as we sat down I only took slow bites of the meal because my thoughts rushed back to Elena. She did indeed surprise me very much today. I thought things between us has screwed up in that unfortunate night but maybe Peter used his best charm this time. I had no idea what he told her but I'm sure he wouldn't go into details just because he didn't have such. I was usually very vague when it came to this matter. Speaking about Peter I was sincerely hoping he wasn't trying to suppress his pain with alcohol right now because that would bring him even more troubles. Since his father was out of the country they called his aunt and cousin from Charleston. As far as I knew they were very decent and were probably the only people that cared about him so I was happy he wasn't alone. I wouldn't bear the thought of him being left in this enormous house by himself and with the alcohol stock they had in the basement, which was starting to disappear too fast especially in the last few months.

I felt so bad that he wouldn't be able to play again soon. I know how much it meant to him and how devastating this time would be so I was preparing myself from now to be there for him when he starts training again.

"Stefan?" I turned around suddenly when my brother interrupted my thoughts. I realized they were already done and Bonnie was taking the dishes to the sink. Did I really lose myself so much that I missed what was going on around me? "Do you might enlightening me what happened last night?"

For a moment I remained silent. I knew he would ask me that question but I wouldn't even dare start explaining him. It was too complicate to begin with.

"We just…got into a quarrel with some guys." I answered vaguely.

"Oh, so when will be the next time I should expect a call from the hospital?" his voice was sarcastically cold. "Next week maybe? If you could walk by then than I'm sure you'll be up to late night fights with unknown people who enjoy crushing your ribs."

"Damon" I said also seriously now trying to tell him that he shouldn't go there. Bonnie was already throwing us scared glances. She could sense the fight.

"Don't Damon me for god's sake" he hit the table with his fist and my glass almost jumped. "What the hell is going on with you? Do you want to kill yourself or something?"

"I don't. It was just a misunderstanding."

"So was the last one but as far as I can remember it left you unconscious for a whole week not to mention-"

"What? Crippled? That's what you want to say, don't you?" this time I raised my voice.

"I can't put up with your stubbornness anymore, Stefan! You have to stop doing this."

"Well you won't have to do it for much longer" I said and tried standing up which I almost failed but I caught the edge of the table and kept myself straight.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" he was confused. He didn't expect me saying that.

"It means that I'm going back to Chicago once I graduate."

"No" this time Bonnie turned up abruptly towards me with a dry plate in her hand clearly frustrated and with a very determined look

"I am. I have decided it. And I even made Dylan start looking for a job."

"You are not going anywhere. Not like this, you need someone there for you." he wasn't angry anymore, he was worried that I sounded so confident.

"Well guess what? I am eighteen so you have no say in it anymore." I suddenly felt the pain in my ribs coming back so I let a deep sigh out and tried getting myself together but I felt myself losing ground. Damon was there to catch me before I could fall and put me back on the chair. For a moment I leaned back and closed my eyes. The kitchen was terrifyingly silent. "Coming here was a mistake for me."

"Stefan you're not going up there alone." Bonnie intervened again "This is a big distance. I promised your mother that I would keep an eye on you"

"Well she's dead now." there was such bitterness in my voice "You have your own kids to worry about. I'm not so sure my mother took that into consideration."

"Stefan, it's not about that! You can't just leave." she kept insisting and sat back on the table still with the plate in her hands.

"I have made my decisions and it's time you start accepting them. I am not a little kid anymore!"

"But you act like one" Damon raised his angry voice again "Just look at yourself. How do you want me to let you go and pretend you'll all be fine?"

"Because I will be." I was starting to get annoyed but beyond all tired. This was too much for me right now and I regretted starting it.

Damon kept shaking his head seriously.

"I am not gonna let you do this."

I didn't answer him anymore, I just didn't have the strength to and he saw it. After a few minutes has passed I tried standing up and going on my own but I couldn't. He wanted me to go back to my room but I just didn't shook my head telling him that it won't happen and instead he put me on this small kitchen bed Bonnie used to sleep in when James used to wake up sometimes in the night. I could see how angry my brother was. Those news came to him as a complete surprise-I knew his hopes and dreams for the future-he didn't want us to part. I knew he would hate it as much as I would but I needed to do it, more for myself than for anyone else. I really still believed that coming here was a mistake, even though I met some nice people. I just didn't feel right and I have convinced myself that it wouldn't work like this. Or maybe all I needed was to leave them alone, to let them be, because it would mean they wouldn't have to wear such big weight on their shoulders. I was a constant problem so I was better on my own and they just wouldn't be able to make me change my mind.

My brother left us alone, still very angry, but he obviously decided there was no need to keep fighting right now since I'm not sure how concentrated I was in the first place and he could see it.

I have almost fallen asleep when Bonnie came back with a blanket and put it over me. I expected her to leave but she sat next to me and I tried to keep myself awake for a few more minutes. It was still afternoon but to me it seemed like evening- it was so dark and cloudy outside and the weather completely coincided with my inner mood. I wanted to look away from her but decided that it was too cowardly so I faced her deep brown sad eyes. She wasn't angry anymore, just desperate. I didn't let her begin first though.

"I need to do this, Bonnie." my voice was so hoarse I couldn't even recognize it.

She caught my hand and looked for quite some time somewhere upfront her in which time I closed my eyes again and started dozing off. She leaned down and kissed me on the forehead like my mother used to do when I was little

"Sleep tight." she said and left me alone. I opened my eyes again and stared at the window for a few moments. I remembered my dream with Anna. It was just so beautiful. I wish life would be that simple, just like when it was then. The only thing I needed to do was love someone else and that somehow was enough. There was no work, no Daniel, no other girls, no sad friends. My heart was full of joy and I couldn't compare the person I was to the person I am now. We were two different people. And even though now it was somehow way much harder I still couldn't deny that there were moments I was glad I was alive. I had to find them and remember them good, so when I decided, I could just go back and smile and say to myself that even in the worst there was something good that kept me on going. And indeed there was- work brought me satisfaction and it complete me as a person, my sad and lonely friend made me laugh and stood beside me in no matter what I decided and the girl…the girl brought this sophisticated spring wind with herself that changed things upside down. That wind confused my soul and tested me. Could I endure it? Would I dare even try? I didn't even consider asking myself if there was a point in it, because I didn't want to find sense in everything. If I did it would leave me even more desperate. I didn't need sense when feelings were concerned, I only craved for time and patience.

We all fall down, sometimes more than once, sometimes more than ten or twenty times. We lose ourselves and question all around us. That makes us hate more, it helps the evil inside us grow. Other times it urges us to go on edges and make unnecessary decisions. It takes courage to face your demons, to be prepared to go down that road, but since I haven't even gotten out of it I couldn't really make any assumptions to where it will all lead me if it ever goes worse. What happens then? How do you fall out of love? Could someone tell me that? How do you leave your loved ones buried somewhere in the ground under you? How do you teach yourself to feel right again? And do you ever succeed? And most importantly-where it all ends? Does those darkness and despair have expiration day? And if it doesn't how do I fight it?

My thoughts started losing their initial order and I felt cold so I tugged myself with the blanket and held it tight with my hand. I don't know why but it gave me the feeling that Elena and me were holding hands again.

It felt warm- just like her.